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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to take on this responsibility

250 replies

sayerville · 30/12/2015 19:35

I have 2 elderly neighbours lower down the road. The lady is having a hip op in 2 weeks. A few months ago my DH mentioned her DH could come up for tea, now she has taken this on board and wants me to meet with her to discuss what will happen. She thinks I will be having him every day for an evening meal and taking him to visit her. She said I don't want to press you but what days are you visiting me? I said I was unsure as I'd be working and could he get a taxi to visit her, she said it was expensive....even though she gets Att allowance as he has dementia. I work 4 full days so don't mind say 3 nights a week but some I work late and don't get in until 6.15pm and I'm knackered. Having lost my Mum earlier this year I feel a bit drained as she also had dementia and I'm finding this all a bit OTT. Also she is talking about me doing her shopping when she is out of hospital so I can see this being long term....am I being mean spirited?

OP posts:
Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:50

I know she has a 'wonderful' cleaner so that's OK

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2015 21:52

I'll just not answer the phone, she doesn't have my mobile either

No, but they know where you live - what will you do if either of them appear at the door with yet another demand? You could of course send DH to sort it out, but frankly it doesn't sound as if he'd do much either

Much better, surely, to get it all sorted out now before any crisis arises?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2015 21:54

I wonder why the nephews are 'too busy'

The same thought occurred to me Wink

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 21:55

I'd ring her. Just get it done so it's not a black cloud hanging over your head.

She doesn't want to pay for care she can afford. She wants you to do it, at expense of your time, of your emotions and of your money.

That's just not on.

MidnightVelvetthe4th · 30/12/2015 21:56

Puzzled same here, although I'm starting to understand Wink

Footle · 30/12/2015 21:58

If you do want to do anything, wait until all possible services have been put in place by someone whose business it is. Then offer the odd meal or whatever, not on a regular basis.

Headofthehive55 · 30/12/2015 21:58

Don't forget there will be hospital visits to perhaps remove stitches, etc,

Where we are we expect injections to be given daily and i know we ask people to do it them themselves, or ask a neighbour....

IamTheWhoreofBabylon · 30/12/2015 21:59

I would ting and say you think she has misunderstood what you are able yo offer
That the offer was for tea with you once and you have other commitments
Be absolutely clear that you can offer nothing more
She will have to follow hip precautions for 12 weeks so will be limited in what she can do
Our area offers free care for 6 weeks so she may get similar
It's not your problem though is it

HelenaDove · 30/12/2015 22:00

Why did your DH volunteer you OP? Especially after the recent loss of your mum.

Have you had a promotion at work or a pay rise recently?

RaspberryOverloadingOnTurkey · 30/12/2015 22:03

It's entirely possible the OP's DH just got caught on the hop, as this neighbour does seem very practised at taking advantage, based on what the OP has described so far.

I've had past experience of people like this, so I wouldn't be assuming the OP's DH has any malicious motive, if that's what's being implied.

diddl · 30/12/2015 22:04

Sorry OP, but I'm just gobsmacked at your husband!

It is nice to be nice, but it's not nice to be taken advantage of.

If it would work it would be nice to cook a little extra of the evening meal & take it down once or twice.

Getting some shopping in would also be nice.

Equally popping in for half an hour to see how he is should also be appreciated.

But it does sound as if he shouldn't be alone.

MidnightVelvetthe4th · 30/12/2015 22:05

I'd assumed that the dh made the invitation for one meal only which is reasonable...then neighbour misunderstood

GigiB · 30/12/2015 22:05

expatinscotland i would do that too.

I think the issue is you've made an offer of help and she's trying to tie you in for the long term, which is what is making you uncomfortable? If you have just been through a traumatic experience you do need some time yourself.

Please tell the truth (for you and her). Perhaps say that there's been a misunderstanding, you are happy to help on an ad hoc basis, but are busy so she should make sure she makes arrangements for her husband and the shopping and that you will help when you can, but it will be when they are stuck rather than part of a planned weekly rota. This could very easily take over your life, there's being neighbourly but this sounds more like taking a second job with you being the primary carer.

nooka · 30/12/2015 22:05

If the dh has early onset dementia then getting involvement from services earlier rather than later is probably a very good idea for this couple. It may be that the wife going into hospital initiates them getting things into place, so your saying you can't help very much (and offering to feed someone three times a week is a massive amount of help!) may well be a good thing for them.

I'd try really hard to hold onto that thought when you speak to your neighbour. You are not saying you cannot do more because you are not a nice person, you clearly are a lovely person! You are saying you cannot do more because you can't and shouldn't do any more for them. There are services that they can use, and as time goes on they will almost certainly need them more so better to get the ball rolling now.

rabbitwoman · 30/12/2015 22:06

don't you find that sometimes people offer to do favours for other people because actually it makes them feel good to offer? for a split second, until they realise that actually, it is a big drain, a big obligation, that maybe it might even cost them? And then they um and ah about actually withdrawing their offer because they don't want to be rude, but eventually have no other choice and so do so maybe at the last minute, too late for something else to be arranged?

I have learnt this lesson - both as someone who has offered to help out a lot in the past and as someone who has been badly let down at the last minute by people i was relying on to do me a favour so it is actually kindest to be assertive and direct right from the start.

learn a few stock phrases to trot out if someone catches you unawares - that won't work out for me, i am very busy i am afraid, ect, and teach your husband too. But saying vague things like 'i don't know at the moment', 'i'll check and get back to you,' 'i'll have to see how things go,' - these aren't the same as saying 'no'!

Also, of course, it was very easy for your hubby to agree to help when it was YOU he was volunteering. And now he won't even answer the phone to her! If she phones, pass the phone to him. If she approaches you in the street, tell her she will need to talk to him. This is, i am afraid, a problem of his making and now he has to deal with it!

Good luck, you sound very kind...... x

ethelb · 30/12/2015 22:08

I agree with everyone suggesting pushing to get a proper plan in place. They may be struggling.
In the short term do they have a church or something similar where there can be a call out for people to help for the first week or so?

AddToBasket · 30/12/2015 22:25

I wouldn't get drawn in to helping arrange care. You can give her numbers to call but I'd write them down and I wouldn't have any conversations about how arrangements are or who's coming when.

I have a lovely friend who is very sweet but when she is anxious about something she marshals everyone to help her and do favours and is quite aggressive about it. She is oblivious to the fact that it is all one way or that other people might have stuff on. When she is not anxious she is pretty thoughtful and quite different.

It might be that this neighbour is trying to get stuff sorted in her head, is very anxious about her DH and has basically not got a grip. That doesn't mean she's a cheeky user. She's frightened and worried and you are a solution.

That's why it is so essential to be crystal clear. If she's anything like my friend, she can't really hear nuance.

Lynnm63 · 30/12/2015 22:30

I think three meals a week is a lot, once a week is nice if you can stand it as it gives a him a couple of hours of company. Id do one hospital visit and speak to the sister in charge and make sure it's written on her notes that you will not be offering care beyond one meal a week on her return home. If you can't bear hospitals then at least ring and let the ward clerk or sister know that you will not be their care plan.
You are too nice and she sounds practiced in taking advantage.

Pannacott · 30/12/2015 22:31

Honestly, I can't fathom why you would agree to do all these extra tasks which really inconvenience you and cost you time and money, when your neighbours have their own resources and could fund this themselves. Especially when they say that they "don't want to pay others", "don't want to inconvenience others". Can't you see that they just think that you are content to offer free labour? Nothing you have said conveys otherwise to them, so they can't really be blamed. They think you are happy to do it. And you aren't. So you need to tell them that you don't want to do it. For great resources on assertiveness, this is excellent

Pannacott · 30/12/2015 22:31

Sorry - excellent assertiveness resource www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

Coconutty · 30/12/2015 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 30/12/2015 22:42

I think the kindest thing to do for them would be to sit them down, explain that you've taken advice, and the only way they will get the support they need from care services is to have nobody available to help. The best way you(or your husband, as he volunteered) can support is to help organise regular carers.

HelenaDove · 30/12/2015 22:44

Pannocott the OP didnt agree to it Her DH offered her services.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/12/2015 22:44

Look, the old lady is trying to freeload off you and is emotionally blackmailing you. Be angry. Definitely do not meet if you are the type to cave to a wobbly lower lip. Do it by phone then avoid her like mad.

Can you be all innocent like "DH said what?! What a numpty! I am dealing with the death of my mother. I am barely in a state to take care of myself and DH never mind anyone else. I am sorry for the misunderstanding. We cannot take on that responsibility. "

Sadly, I'd say the only option now is to do nothing for them because they will always be looking for ways to play you for a mug.

I bet they have no intention of paying for the shopping you do. I also bet you'd be doing his washing within a week. What if the cleaner got "sick" and couldn't work. What about mowing the lawn?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/12/2015 22:47

Have you got a good assertive friend who would go round to see her with you? Someone with a bit of steel in their eyes and backbone? Someone who is never taken advantage of?

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