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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to take on this responsibility

250 replies

sayerville · 30/12/2015 19:35

I have 2 elderly neighbours lower down the road. The lady is having a hip op in 2 weeks. A few months ago my DH mentioned her DH could come up for tea, now she has taken this on board and wants me to meet with her to discuss what will happen. She thinks I will be having him every day for an evening meal and taking him to visit her. She said I don't want to press you but what days are you visiting me? I said I was unsure as I'd be working and could he get a taxi to visit her, she said it was expensive....even though she gets Att allowance as he has dementia. I work 4 full days so don't mind say 3 nights a week but some I work late and don't get in until 6.15pm and I'm knackered. Having lost my Mum earlier this year I feel a bit drained as she also had dementia and I'm finding this all a bit OTT. Also she is talking about me doing her shopping when she is out of hospital so I can see this being long term....am I being mean spirited?

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/12/2015 17:21

You can make it perfectly pleasant, but clear that you will not take on the responsibilities she is trying to push your way

You're right in principle Rookiemere but I wouldn't necessarily assume that this will stay pleasant if the neighbour doesn't get exactly her own way. Like so many others I've seen this happen, and once the demands are resisted the "sweet little old lady" can very quickly be replaced by something less pleasant

Of course, if she does throw her toys out of the pram that could well solve the whole thing ...

rookiemere · 31/12/2015 17:34

Sadly I think you're right puzzled, it's true that this is unlikely to end pleasantly so it's worth flagging up at this point.

Florin · 31/12/2015 17:45

Do you know what kind of help she has got. I know someone who had a hip replacement and he needed 24 hour help for the first couple weeks. He needed help going to the loo, washing, all meals prepared etc. are they definitely ready for that? I echo what everyone else says and say you have too much on so can't commit to helping. Hope you feel better soon and you have a lovely birthday.

MissSusanStoHelit · 01/01/2016 13:58

Happy birthday, OP! Hope your chat went well, and that you're relaxing with a glass of bubbles!

TheMaddHugger · 01/01/2016 14:49

Happy Birthday OP. feel better soon (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

Original poster

sayerville · 01/01/2016 15:08

Thanks for your birthday wishes that's lovely xxxxx
Will update you later ;)

OP posts:

WitchWay · 01/01/2016 16:36

There's more??

Dontunderstand01 · 01/01/2016 16:52

If someone rocked up at my house for a free meal then criticised the food, the t.v. programmes and outstayed their welcome they wouldn't be let back in the house. Simple as that. You owe them nothing.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/01/2016 06:32

Echo what everyone else says here! I think a few well practiced phrases...

I think as well you need to consider your relationship with them? I assume these are not 'friends' in any proper sense?

I think its quite possible this woman is very practised at asking people for favours... Which then escalate... They are good at often quite subtly (or not so!) shifting the balance of responsibility on to others, and then making them feel guilty when they dont comply..

My favourite 'user' story.. Many moons ago a friend of a friend had a massively chaotic life... 4.kids,no dads on scene... Little money.. Well so she said bit still coyld afford weekends away with pals... She had pal as regular unpaid babysitter, for days at a time. Pal would often end up giving the kids money for school trips as user would have left no money for her in the house ..never repaid.. . This continued even after my pal left the area and was living 150 miles away... She would regularly take annual leave to look after user friends kids!! It was all one way

As you can guess i avoided user like the plague.

Out of the blue, User calls me.. She has a fabour to ask.. I could tell she was using her little girl's voice. . Could i go and stay at her house for 6 weeks, for no money, as She HAS to go on a work course.. I politely (not) decline. I barely know this woman and never met her kids..also they are NOT my responsibility etc efc.

She then rings me back several hours later... Saying its all sorted, she's spoken to her kids, and 'they are happy to come and stay with me and partner', (in our 1 bed flat!), so its all sorted and i wont have to stay at her house.

At which point words failed me..

She was on the phone for another 20 mins after saying that by my refusual it was stopping her progression at work....
She was absolutely priceless.

Needless to say when she moved out of area, she cut all contact with friend..
Presumably she was of no further use

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/01/2016 07:40

Ps also as other have said i would avoid attending any 'meeting' she asks for.. She will then perceive this as you being involved.... And willing to act as unpaid carers. Especially as she is so pushy!

I would be very inclined to use your chest infection as an excuse- to drop her a line... You don't want to spread your germs etc etx! eg..

Hi Neighbour,

Just so you know - as OH has said we're happy to see Fred one evening for his evening meal next week, while you are in hospital as a one off. He's welcome to join us as we eat curry on Thursdays.

We would also be happy to collect a few items of grocery for him whilst we do our own shopping.

We'll be going to supermarket on thursday night. If you can leave us money and a list with us by thurs morning, we will do this next thurs.

We hope you have social servixes linked in to help when you come out of hospital to help you in your recovery.

Good luck!

Best wishes,

That should be unequivocal!!

mcdog · 03/01/2016 08:03

Have you spoken to her yet??

rookiemere · 03/01/2016 12:01

Please can we have an update OP

Original poster

sayerville · 03/01/2016 19:34

Right! Update...
Pleased to say that DH talked to her, it seems she has had a rethink and we won't be needing to provide meals etc.
Basically my chest infection has put her off, I think any meeting would put her at risk so close to the op and she is afraid that they'd catch it I think and this is something they are both terrified of getting.
Anyhow DH said that we would check in on him to make sure he's OK whilst she is in hospital. He then said I kicked up a big fuss for nothing - I don't think so!

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 03/01/2016 19:38

He said that did he?

Right....i suggest you volunteer him for something without asking him first and then when he moans tell him hes kicking up a big fuss for nothing and remind him that you thought this was the way we are doing things now.

He is treating you like an appliance not a person with an opinion.

TendonQueen · 03/01/2016 19:48

Right, so remind your DH every night 'Are you going round to check on Mr On His Own now?' Be clear that he said you would check, so he is doing the checking. DO NOT do it. If he moans, tell him he's making a fuss about nothing.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2016 19:53

'He then said I kicked up a big fuss for nothing - I don't think so!'

WTAF?

He goes around volunteering YOU for stuff and then tells you something like this?

I'd have ripped him a new head.

'We' would check on him. He's still volunteering you for stuff you don't want to do.

So don't. Don't do a single fucking check. Remind your DH, every time, that he volunteered, not you.

BogusCatAndThePunk · 03/01/2016 20:24

Penny to a pound your 'D'H will be expected to do a lot more when the time comes and will expect you to help.

Friendlystories · 03/01/2016 20:30

Next time this happens OP, your DH volunteering you for something I mean, have a stock answer ready. 'DH said I'd do what?!!! Well I can't think how he would think I have time to do that on top of everything I have on atm, I can only assume he must have meant he would do it, you'd better speak to him about it'. Sounds like he will only stop putting you in these situations when there are consequences for him so you need to get into the habit of deflecting everything back onto him instead of you carrying the can for his 'kindness'. Glad it's come to nothing this time anyway and I agree with other posters, all checks on your neighbour should fall squarely on DH's shoulders.

Original poster

sayerville · 03/01/2016 20:32

I wasn't pleased at all....but happy that I don't have to worry in a week's time.
I got the impression that he thought I had over reacted. Fact was it was upsetting me.

OP posts:

Friendlystories · 03/01/2016 20:48

That's because you have the foresight to realise how this could have snowballed and that you would have been left holding the baby as it were. I wouldn't be above reminding your DH that you are still grieving, have been under tremendous stress caring for your mum and are in no fit state to take on caring for anyone else just now physically or emotionally.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2016 20:52

Oh good fantastic, op, dh can check up on him then!

expatinscotland · 03/01/2016 21:00

'I got the impression that he thought I had over reacted. Fact was it was upsetting me.'

I'd tell him then. And he does all the checking in. All of it.

knobblyknee · 03/01/2016 21:12

No you wont have to say that, be straight with her! Say you meant to offer some help, not all the help, and you can do it. They'll have to use the adult services available.
Dont feel bad, you cant do it. If you did, where would it end? She'll need physio after surgery.

You tried to do something nice for a neighbour, and they tried to take advantage.

knobblyknee · 03/01/2016 21:12

Aargh - you cant do it. Sorry, new keyboard...

HairForNow · 03/01/2016 21:42

Well done! Make sure he's the one to go round and do all the checking, and if more stuff creeps back, tell him its his responsibility and he's kickign up a fuss

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