Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take on this responsibility

250 replies

sayerville · 30/12/2015 19:35

I have 2 elderly neighbours lower down the road. The lady is having a hip op in 2 weeks. A few months ago my DH mentioned her DH could come up for tea, now she has taken this on board and wants me to meet with her to discuss what will happen. She thinks I will be having him every day for an evening meal and taking him to visit her. She said I don't want to press you but what days are you visiting me? I said I was unsure as I'd be working and could he get a taxi to visit her, she said it was expensive....even though she gets Att allowance as he has dementia. I work 4 full days so don't mind say 3 nights a week but some I work late and don't get in until 6.15pm and I'm knackered. Having lost my Mum earlier this year I feel a bit drained as she also had dementia and I'm finding this all a bit OTT. Also she is talking about me doing her shopping when she is out of hospital so I can see this being long term....am I being mean spirited?

OP posts:
AnthonyBlanche · 30/12/2015 20:07

If your neighbour has dementia bad enough that his wife is his carer, I would think the best solution would be for him to go into some sort of respite care. From experience with one of my own relatives, he may struggle to look after himself when left alone. Could you suggest respite care as an option to her?

Andylion · 30/12/2015 20:08

OP, you haven't replied to question about your DH's involvement in this, other than volunteering you, what is doing to help?

scarlets · 30/12/2015 20:08

I agree with he idea of DH (given that he was the one who offered!) taking a plate over a few nights a week. Specify which nights.

Say you'll do their shopping once a week on a specific day (ie don't be "on call" whenever they want a loaf of bread).

It's good to help older people but they're not your responsibility ultimately. Where on earth are their relatives? Absent until the second Will is read, it seems.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/12/2015 20:10

Did your Dh actually say that he could come for the evening regularly, or just once/twice?
You need to make it clear. I'm sorry but three evenings a week cooking for an entertaining a neighbour is a big commitment and not one you should feel guilted into doing. If he can't manage at home without her then adult social care needs to be stepping in and providing care.

mix56 · 30/12/2015 20:10

They don't have any family ? they have refused meals on wheels ?
Get OH involved. he can do the hospital run.

AnthonyBlanche · 30/12/2015 20:10

Sorry, crossposted with you. I feel for you, it is a difficult situation. If you can bring yourself to, the best thing might be to say that you can only have him round one. IHT and that she will,need to organise carers for the rest of the time.

frumpet · 30/12/2015 20:11

I wouldn't feel bad at all , you didn't make the initial offer of help did you ? You are clearly a lovely kind and caring person who would help if you had the time and energy to do so , but you do not .

Is there any way of contacting their relatives to make it clear how little help you are actually capable of doing , just in case she has reassured them that you are doing it all ?

Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 20:11

I am hoping he will be helping me cook and keep him company, he is out 2 nights and I don't want to be left to socialise alone which is why I think the days I will suggest will suit me.
He will probably be persuaded to take him on a hospital visit too, but from past experience she didn't offer to pay for parking let alone petrol money so I really feel he could get a taxi in the day without involving us in this as they are not without the money

OP posts:
roundandroundthehouses · 30/12/2015 20:11

The plans you're making include making up excuses, and it looks like she is very practised in getting round them - 'it doesn't matter about the time', etc. You'll end up making wilder and wilder excuses until you're having to pretend that your leg has fallen off.

I know it's hard just to say: 'No - I can do x and y, and THAT IS ALL', because it feels rude if you're used to pleasing people. Believe me, I know. But she isn't worried about being rude to you, is she? Subtract thirty years from her age, and imagine a neighbour in her 40s/50s making all these assumptions about you. I hope to Christ you wouldn't buy it then. You (I should say 'we', as I look after my elderly Mum) have spent years and years putting an elderly person first, and you are exhausted, but possibly still in that 'mode'. As a PP has said, you now need to draw a line with yourself first, and then with her. It is not your responsibility.

This is the side of things that is glossed over in John Lewis adverts.

AnthonyBlanche · 30/12/2015 20:12

Typos! iPad has a mind of its own this evening. I meant only have him round once. No idea where IHT came from.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2015 20:13

From experience I'd suggest that offering a reason for not being able to do such-and-such is unlikely to work; as with the "it doesn't matter what time his meal is" they'll just find a way round it. Given such unreasonable (and frankly very rude) demands, and that various solutions you've offered have been rejected out of hand, you might just have to revert to the MN favourite of "I'm afraid that doesn't work for me"

Having him for tea occasionally or doing a bit of shopping while you're buying your own is fine, but when that leads to the next demand ... well, see above Wink

Same applies to complaints about paying for anything; the answer to that is "oh dear" and change the subject

Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 20:14

They have no DC but nephews who are she said 'away'and she wouldn't want to rely on them - but I feel miffed she is relying on us.
I feel that she thinks as I now don't have any other caring commitments I can turn my attention to them but I have had enough TBH

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 30/12/2015 20:15

I feel your pain, not wanting to seem uncaring but there are many, many red flags here for me. Anyone making these sort of assumptions about what level of help you will provide... I'd suggest starting from the basis that you have your own family to care for. These do not sound like a deserving case, rather people reluctant to pay for services they can press a busy neighbour to do for them. Can you see how you are being pulled into a web, ever more tightly.

Dont. Just dont.

Work out a few ideas of what to say when you are pressed, otherwise, do that brilliant vague English thing we do so well. And pleeease don't commit to providing meals several times a week. Before you know it they will be running you ragged and will never have anything good to say about you. I know i sound harsh, but trust me on this one.

If you really want to do some good in the world, find someone less able to subtly ask for what they want and less able to pay for what they need, and do them a kindness.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 20:16

'I think I will say that I am working all week and he can come Mon, Wed and Fri and I go shopping on Saturday so I can fetch things for her then. That's as far as I think I would like to go and I don't think that's unreasonable as I will have to cook something perhaps I wouldn't normally.'

WTAF?! Your husband volunteered for this so he goes and sorts it out. Why are you taking this on at all? They have help, plenty of it, they just want to use you for free. And why are YOU cooking at all. Your DH invited him, HE fucking cooks and puts up with it.

You say, 'Sorry for the miscommunication. DH blurts out things sometimes without thinking. We are not available to help at all due to our increased work commitments. YOU need to make other arrangements.'

People like this rely on mugs who don't want to be rude, so they can be rude and take advantage.

And yes, they may well have give teh hospital your details.

Nip this in the bud NOW.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 20:18

And yy, no fucking excuses. She just steamrolls right over those. Cut that shit out right now.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2015 20:20

Elderly or not, that is very cheeky, would not be sucked into that! So they get disability benefits which should be used for his meal, not because they are too tight to pay, and expect free food at yours. You could pop in a few times a week to see how he is and take him a meal, but that is it. Really it is up to the relatives to sort out care for them or SS. You have to be clear and really do not allow yourself to be a doormat,

DanaBarrett · 30/12/2015 20:20

My Granda used to enjoy his delivery from Wiltshire farm foods. Kind of a posher meals on wheels type service. They just needed microwaving, and he generally managed ok. He could phone up for delivery too, any chance that sort of thing is an option?

Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 20:20

expat gosh that is harsh! I am taking it on as I feel sorry for them and have know them for a long time, I just need to be assertive about it especially as she is pressing me for a 'meeting' to discuss it all, how do I get out of that one?

OP posts:
amarmai · 30/12/2015 20:21

def step back. Ask for family info and call them with the clear answer that you cannot do their work. Repeat this to the neighbours and if your h wants to do more , he can take a plate dinner and stay long enuf to bring the plate back. Be firm or you will be trapped . Do not have him in your house.

ImperialBlether · 30/12/2015 20:21

Wouldn't he be eligible for some kind of meals on wheels, at least while she's in hospital? My ex FIL had that, though I don't know whether he had to pay for it. It's ridiculous that you should be asked to commit to such a lot of responsibility, particularly as you are working full time.

FinallyHere · 30/12/2015 20:22

People like this rely on mugs who don't want to be rude, so they can be rude and take advantage.

^ this. Thats what i meant to say.

Don't let her drive a wedge between you and DH, either. Did he really offer ( in which case its up to him) or did he mutter something and she is making these rude demands because she just routinely tries to take advantage....

Sorry, I want to shout now. The sooner you bow out, the easier it will be. Do you really want to let yourself in for ever increasing demands. Or say 'that would have been lovely'. If that isn't enough, go with 'but I'm afraid it is just not possible'.

Look regretful and do nothing. Commit to nothing. Do nothing.

roundandroundthehouses · 30/12/2015 20:23

I'd go to the meeting - the sooner the better. Go with your DH - who got you into this to begin with - and together set out to her exactly what you will and won't do. Being friendly and neighbourly is to be commended, but it needs to be on your terms, especially given your previous circumstances.

CPtart · 30/12/2015 20:25

Don't get involved. At all. This will only escalate as the months and years pass and they have increasing needs. Seen it all before. The old "don't want to pay" ffs. PIL used to trawl the neighbours begging for lifts when FIL was temporarily out of action driving. They had plenty of money for taxis. I will never understand the elderly who save for their old age and when it comes will not part with a penny.
This is a slippery slope. Many people have breakdowns sorting out elderly relatives let alone neighbours.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 20:25

'expat gosh that is harsh!'

I'm harsh but this cheeky user isn't? She's pressing for a meeting to bamboozle you into offering free care you are not in a position to offer to a demanding person who needs professional care and I'm harsh? LOL.

How do you get out of it? By telling her, 'I'm sorry for the miscommunication, but we are not able to offer any care for your husband. You will have to make other arrangements.'

To any reply she makes you repeat, 'There's been a misunderstanding. We can't offer any care.'

And you don't make arrangements or do leg work for them. She has hte means and the mind power to do this herself.

And she's a pisstaker.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2015 20:26

I am sorry op, I know that they are elderly, but they sound like total users, relying on you being too polite to say anything. You need to be extremely clear on what you can and can't do, and if you want payment for taking him to hospital occassionally,food etc, or telling her that you will not be able to take him to hospital. Draw up a list of number like SS, etc that she could call for that kind of help.