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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take on this responsibility

250 replies

sayerville · 30/12/2015 19:35

I have 2 elderly neighbours lower down the road. The lady is having a hip op in 2 weeks. A few months ago my DH mentioned her DH could come up for tea, now she has taken this on board and wants me to meet with her to discuss what will happen. She thinks I will be having him every day for an evening meal and taking him to visit her. She said I don't want to press you but what days are you visiting me? I said I was unsure as I'd be working and could he get a taxi to visit her, she said it was expensive....even though she gets Att allowance as he has dementia. I work 4 full days so don't mind say 3 nights a week but some I work late and don't get in until 6.15pm and I'm knackered. Having lost my Mum earlier this year I feel a bit drained as she also had dementia and I'm finding this all a bit OTT. Also she is talking about me doing her shopping when she is out of hospital so I can see this being long term....am I being mean spirited?

OP posts:
Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:27

thanks expat xx
I need lessons in being assertive, can you phone her for me!

OP posts:
RideEmCowgirl · 30/12/2015 21:27

Meals 3 times a week! I think even that is too much but if you are happy with that then so be it.

Have you spoken to your DH about it yet?

IamTheWhoreofBabylon · 30/12/2015 21:28

Be wary of taking anything other than a one off meal on
Tell her you only meant for him to come once. A hospital visit may be useful. You could speak to the care manager and make it clear you are not in a position to offer support
Otherwise she may say that you will support on discharge. Where I work we would always check this out but hospitals are bursting at the seams and if they can discharge without involving SS they may just do so
Be tough

Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:28

I have asked him to see/call her he won't but he'll speak with her if she calls, except he never answers the damn phone! Big of him huh!

OP posts:
MidnightVelvetthe4th · 30/12/2015 21:29

I know you're dreading that conversation as you have been conditioned by society to be a good girl and to never say no as it makes you ungrateful and selfish and to put your needs last. But fuck it! You do not have to justify to her or us why you dont want to do it, the fact that you dont is enough!

Get it out of the way on her doorstep and you will feel so much better!

IamTheWhoreofBabylon · 30/12/2015 21:30

We discourage families to take on such a regular commitment unless they really insist
It grows and grows and the carer gets burnt out and resentful

RideEmCowgirl · 30/12/2015 21:30

Well! I think your "D"H is a complete and utter arsehole. How DARE he put this on you. I would refuse to do any of it but then I am not a complete and utter mug.

RideEmCowgirl · 30/12/2015 21:32

Phone her and hand him the phone. Anything he agrees to HE can sort out. Fucking twat.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 21:32

I'd be more than happy to ring her. And no to hospital visits if you find them emotional. Bereavement is a big strain, don't underestimate its impact on you. You are not being mean, this person is trying to take advantage of you to provide a very big responsibility which is not yours and which you find emotionally tiring. That is not on. Just keep remembering that and get angry.

Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:32

and I am

OP posts:
Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:33

a mug that is...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 21:35

I was once a huge mug. Then my ex took me for a ride and cost me about £10k and a house. And I learned my lesson. You can, too.

Footle · 30/12/2015 21:35

The hospital will be very focused on getting this lady home, and if they have the slightest inkling that "our lovely neighbours have said they'll look after us", you are going to be doing a great many things you don't want to do.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 21:36

What Footle says, too. Nip it in the bud.

QueryQuery · 30/12/2015 21:37

I agree, you have to say no. If you don't you will not only find yourself looking after him, but also her when she is discharged. A full recovery might take weeks, or even months.

Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:37

No I won't, I'll just not answer the phone, she doesn't have my mobile either
expat I'm sorry about that, that's a very very hard knock.

OP posts:
MidnightVelvetthe4th · 30/12/2015 21:37

No! No you are not a mug! You are being railroaded into something you don't want to do and you can stop it at any time. The fault is not yours and you have nothing to feel bad about! Smile

MidnightVelvetthe4th · 30/12/2015 21:38

I was a mug with my ex too, when you deal with it you get more assertive Smile

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 21:40

You do indeed, Midnight. Smile

SecretBondGirl · 30/12/2015 21:40

I like to think I'm a good neighbour and would try to help out in these circumstances but that does not mean taking on the caring role. I would:
I) cook an extra meal in the evenings and take it round to neighbour also to check he's ok
Ii) get his shopping whilst I was doing mine
Iii)arrange for local taxi firm to pick up and bring back neighbour at set time each day so he can visit dw in hospital

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2015 21:40

I just know she will say she was expecting x and now what will she do

Simple ...

You: "why not contact (insert name of agency suggested before)"
Her: "Oooo nooo, he won't have that / they're so expensive" etc
You: "Oh dear, that's a shame, I hope you manage to work something out"
Her: "But I thought you were going to ... I expected ..." etc
You: "I'm afraid that won't work for us"

And repeat Smile

Oh, and if you (understandably) don't want to visit her in hospital, perhaps ring them instead? Better than them getting the impression you'll be doing it all, surely?

MidnightVelvetthe4th · 30/12/2015 21:42

expat Smile

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2015 21:44

Op the neighbour is being extremely cheeky and asking you to do what close family would do which is not acceptable, even your mum would not expect that of you. You sound too nice, I wonder why the nephews are 'too busy' Hmm. They are not offering any payment, are expecting it for free! There are options, but that would involve them putting their hand in their pocket.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2015 21:45

Exactly puzzled, op woman up!

SecretBondGirl · 30/12/2015 21:49

If she's having a hip op she'll have very limited mobility for at least a month and will need help with basic household tasks when she returns home. She's needs to organise a daily help for when she's discharged from hospital. No way are you going to be able to support them both when she comes home.