To not want to take on this responsibility

[sayerville]

I have 2 elderly neighbours lower down the road. The lady is having a hip op in 2 weeks. A few months ago my DH mentioned her DH could come up for tea, now she has taken this on board and wants me to meet with her to discuss what will happen. She thinks I will be having him every day for an evening meal and taking him to visit her. She said I don't want to press you but what days are you visiting me? I said I was unsure as I'd be working and could he get a taxi to visit her, she said it was expensive....even though she gets Att allowance as he has dementia. I work 4 full days so don't mind say 3 nights a week but some I work late and don't get in until 6.15pm and I'm knackered. Having lost my Mum earlier this year I feel a bit drained as she also had dementia and I'm finding this all a bit OTT. Also she is talking about me doing her shopping when she is out of hospital so I can see this being long term....am I being mean spirited?

To be honest it was so long ago when DH mentioned this to her that I think he has forgotten exactly what was said, but i do think her expectations are high..i am sure she'd pay for the shopping, I most definitely won't be doing washing, I think she mentioned she has support after the op its just the hospital time she's concerned about. Hopefully only a week...

What Coconutty said. Honestly op, I am a carer for my mil with dementia and no matter what I do she would always want me to do more. You really need to be upfront with her about it or you're going to land in it up to your neck!

You are doing a lovely thing caring for them in this way. Don't get bogged down in feeling bad about it. You sound like you care a lot more than other neighbours and their own family.

Could you also ask other neighbours and then tell them that so-and-so at no 10 will do x, y or z on Tuesday or Thursday. They obviously don't want to ask all the neighbours but don't mind excepting help. Perhaps help organising it is what they need more than having you on call every day.

Finally I would be really hesitate about getting in to why you can't help on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I would just say I can do this, this and this on these days but don't explain why you can't on other days. It opens up conversations which will end up in you being talked around in some way. Just say this is what I can do and no, I can't do that. Definitely don't lie, you'll just dig a hole and end up sneaking in and out your own house.

Well done. You are a fantastic and kind neighbour.

Both my parents died from dementia.... Both were just terrible experiences to have to go through, I know only too well what the caring is like. Fortunately, he is early stages and can do things for himself so it's unlikely i'd get pulled in for anything other than this situation in a couple of weeks, I'll make sure of it, believe me.

chilly that's good advice as I know i'd only get talked round, I think I already mentioned she said it was OK me working late and he'd wait for an evening meal!

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting you don't know what it's like. I speak as someone else who often volunteers to help others and is then finds it hard to say when enough is enough. You always feel guilty but you absolutely shouldn't. You're being very kind.

'Look, the old lady is trying to freeload off you and is emotionally blackmailing you. Be angry. Definitely do not meet if you are the type to cave to a wobbly lower lip. Do it by phone then avoid her like mad.

Can you be all innocent like "DH said what?! What a numpty! I am dealing with the death of my mother. I am barely in a state to take care of myself and DH never mind anyone else. I am sorry for the misunderstanding. We cannot take on that responsibility. "

Sadly, I'd say the only option now is to do nothing for them because they will always be looking for ways to play you for a mug.

I bet they have no intention of paying for the shopping you do. I also bet you'd be doing his washing within a week. What if the cleaner got "sick" and couldn't work. What about mowing the lawn?'

I am cutting and pasting this because you need to read RunRabbit's words AGAIN.

She's right. The only option now is to do nothing because she took a one-off, vague offer from ages ago and turned it into bamboozling you into taking on care for another person. NOT asking, but demanding it.

Remember that. She demanded it.

YOu really need to get angry about this and practice one or several of the options given here for saying 'NO' and then do it on the phone and avoid her like mad after.

No help because she's proven she will use the slightest ray of light in the stones to take down the whole fucking wall.

By asking round other neighbours and such, you are once again making this your responsibility, sayer. It is not and you do not need to feel at all guilty about that.

This person emotionally blackmails, bamboozles and bullies you. I think I know why the nephews and other neighbours are 'busy'.

'I think I already mentioned she said it was OK me working late and he'd wait for an evening meal!'

Keep remembering this!

chillycurtains, you're not helping ! OP doesn't actually want to do any of those things, so why should she ? She has not long finished caring for her own parents. Being browbeaten is not the same as helping because you want to.

expat speaks the truth - listen to her wise words! Good luck OP. Stay strong.

it may only be a week. But it most possibly will be longer than they suggest as all all sorts can go amiss.

I see many people who have been in hospital for planned ops that certainly took longer than expected.

Helena Dove, I know OP's husband agreed to this, not her - what I meant was that every time neighbour talks to her about this and she doesn't decline to help, she is 'agreeing' to help. She needs to clearly state that she is not going to help. Or if she is, be very clear about the extent e.g. "I won't be driving him to the hospital, it's too inconvenient / I'd prefer to have my evenings to myself" etc.

I agree. No organising rotas among neighbours (guess who will be the go-to when someone doesn't show up?), organising care, doing meals X days of the week, ferrying to hospital for visits or visiting yourself (because this will fuck with you emotionally), etc etc.

Your DH offered one vague meal. Ages ago. She has used this to emotionally blackmail you.

Does this not just fuck you off big time? NO regard or consideration for your life at all, your job, your time, your emotions, your money, whatever commitments you have, just demands, like you're there as a servant.

I think if she is thinking she will use you because you are free then you need to be telling her that it will cost you £10 each way plus parking plus a newspaper to read for each trip to the hospital (ie a bit more than a taxi!) so does she want to give you cash up front for a couple of trips (to be done at a mutually agreeable time rather than on demand) and then sort out the others as and when necessary.
Hopefully this will make your help a whole lot less attractive than the taxi company!
And if she says about not paying just give a brisk laugh, say that she's good with the straight face, you almost believed she meant it. But unless she can tell you where to get free petrol, car insurance and servicing then you can't afford to be spending hundreds of pounds a month being their personal chauffeur! Then go on to say that blimey next thing she'll be expecting you to feed her dh for free too... Hahaha... Oh. Wait. You were being serious? We invited your dh for a meal which of course I don't mind as a one off. But that's very different from expecting me to provide most of his evening meals!!

And if you do get caught inviting him then tell him up front that you're having curry and watching your favourite tv programme abc, which he is welcome to join you for, otherwise maybe a different night. And if he starts to criticise abc while you're trying to watch it, then just say you'll have to agree to disagree, but it's your tv treat, you are watching it and he can either watch quietly or go home (make dh take him!).

Sounds like it's a bit late to say 'why do we need a meeting to organise a single meal?' but would definitely be worth reminding the old woman of this and using all the stock phrases already mentioned to make sure you don't get caught up with more than the minimum - sounds like you have enough on your plate and could really do without any of this.

Go back and read your own posts, sayer. Really look at how they have treated you. Rude about meals you cook. Rude about programmes you watch on telly. Presuming you're there to fetch, cook and carry as they wish. For free. Rude about your schedule. Demands to meet up. Demands to do their shopping.

Honestly, it's quite appalling.

Social Services care of vulnerable adults. Contact them. They will try to make you help, or they will at least ask how much you can do. Say "nothing".

Do phone the hospital and make sure they know that there is no one to help her at home and that her dh has dementia.

There will probably be a Community taxi service local to you. Ours is called Trip. They have lots of retired people who taxi elderly and disabled people around at very low prices, to the shops, hospital, visits to friends, social clubs etc. Find your local one and give her their number.

Do not take anything on, nothing at all. You will find your 'duties' will expand beyond imagination and continue for a very long time.

In her head, the one meal offered has already expanded to a hot meal every day, company every day, shopping trips, hospital visits. You have to stop it now, or they'll turn you into a ft live in carer before you know it.

A lovely gesture by your generous dh, but you have to limit it hugely (or stop it completely) else it'll be a millstone.

It's sad, yes, that a kind but small offer has taken on such a large identity.

I'm reading this thread with my jaw on the floor
oP, you need to say no asap. Tbh I don't understand why you haven't already, I know your DH volunteered for stuff but he or you should have said that was a misunderstanding
Definitely don't get in charge of rotas
My parents are late 70s and have got themselves into this type of thing a few times
People's expectations often get higher
I think they've finally learned their lesson but not without going through a lot of hassle
Expat wasn't harsh, she was spot on.

Just say the offer was for one plated meal brought to his house, nothing more. If she says taxis are expensive, say so is your time and petrol, you cannot be his carer. If it's just a hip replacement, she won't be in long.
Maybe there's a reason their family won't want to help.

OP please listen to expat, you need to draw a very very clear line in the sand with this neighbour.

The most important thing is that you have the phrase 'no, I'm sorry I can't do that' fixed in your head and repeat it NO MATTER WHAT.

So when she tries to talk you round eg working late, so her dh can have dinner late - no sorry, I can't do that.
Why, you could just drop it in later - no sorry I can't do that

and so on.

Go and see her. Tell her there seems to be some miscommunication and you cannot offer care/food etc services for her dh. You can offer xxxx (and be very careful you don't over commit. One meal? maybe 2? That is plenty)

and use your sentence sorry, we cannot give hospital lifts. We cannot feed him every day etc etc .
Also be very clear - tell her that when she comes out and needs help, she needs to organise that, and not use you as one of the options, because you can't do that.

If Social Services do try to make you help ask them if they have any loss of earnings forms just in case. That might focus their minds.

Jesus what a cheek.

Just tell her no. You shouldn't have let her think you would do this really but you can still nip it in the bud.

Lot's and lot's of advice and opinions that all pretty much say the same thing which shows that you are NOT being selfish or uncaring in not wanting to get pulled into this.

OP - what are you going to do?

OP please take Expat's advice and say no to this woman. She is taking advantage of the fact that you don't want to be rude.

I speak from bitter and exhausting experience. My mother does this to me. She ruined Christmas for my kids by creating one of her dramas. I ended up out of the house at 7am and didn't get back until 8pm too late for anything.

No extra advice here OP but just wanted to add my voice to the masses - YANBU. I find it difficult to be assertive too but on this occasion you absolutely must - they are taking the piss, old or not.

If I could be sure it was for 1 week I would help. But only for 1 week. I would definitely get adult social services involved asap.

They can either cope and don't need the op to help. Or they can't and need more help than the op can offer.

I do think it is quite sad though that an elderly neighbour with health conditions can't be helped for a week while his wife is in hospital. Not the ops fault but rather the state of society. It used to be the norm that neighbours helped out the elderly and vulnerable. That someone would have organised for this man to be fed and have company. That his family would get involved.

I hope my family and neighbours help me out when I am old.

Sorry op don't mean to make you feel bad but it's just a sad situation.