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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to take on this responsibility

250 replies

sayerville · 30/12/2015 19:35

I have 2 elderly neighbours lower down the road. The lady is having a hip op in 2 weeks. A few months ago my DH mentioned her DH could come up for tea, now she has taken this on board and wants me to meet with her to discuss what will happen. She thinks I will be having him every day for an evening meal and taking him to visit her. She said I don't want to press you but what days are you visiting me? I said I was unsure as I'd be working and could he get a taxi to visit her, she said it was expensive....even though she gets Att allowance as he has dementia. I work 4 full days so don't mind say 3 nights a week but some I work late and don't get in until 6.15pm and I'm knackered. Having lost my Mum earlier this year I feel a bit drained as she also had dementia and I'm finding this all a bit OTT. Also she is talking about me doing her shopping when she is out of hospital so I can see this being long term....am I being mean spirited?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 20:27

No, no meeting. No 'chats'. No 'sit down with her' because people like this always use this to take advantage. You give them an inch and they take a mile.

Original poster

sayerville · 30/12/2015 20:28

She managed to apply for AA and free C Tax so I am sure if she wanted she could organise the day care I gave her the details for. She is now saying 'oh, he won't have any of that'
I know she'll be annoyed but I have to stick with what I am prepared to do it's their problem not mine

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2015 20:28

My elderly Aunt 85 cares for her very ill ds (MS) wheelchair, incontinent etc, and noway does she pull stunts like that. She has help from SS in the way of carers coming into her, and she takes the taxi to do her shopping and has occassional respite. They are to tight to pay, and want to freeload of your kindness.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 20:28

You do nothing. No drawing up a list. No leg work or detail work. This gal has been offered help and support on a platter. She turns it down to use you.

MidnightVelvetthe4th · 30/12/2015 20:31

You say that work are increasing your hours, you are still dealing with the death of your mother (I'm sorry for your loss) and unfortunately dh made the offer without talking to you and you're not in a place to be able to help them at the moment.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 30/12/2015 20:31

sayerville you're just going to have to bite the bullet, decide exactly what you will and won't do (3 times a week sounds a lot to me, if your DH offered that her DH could come for dinner once!!!)

I think you've going to have to say gently but very, very firmly there has been an misunderstanding about how much you offered to help. You can offer x, x, and x (be definite) but beyond that you have a family and commitments. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

You might have to stand strong in the face of puppy eyes and 'oh but what will we do' and attempts at silk-covered bulldozery. Remain pleasant, don't get drawn into conversation and stick to your guns.

Frankly it sounds to me like they do need help but that they are trying to suck you in. They HAVE family. They can go through the official channels for help. They can get carers. They're trying to put it all on you and it's not on. Just keep saying what specifically you are prepared to help with and don't be drawn in deeper than you want to be.

RB68 · 30/12/2015 20:31

You could tell her that she could do "online" shopping over the phone - I know sainsburies will allow you to do that ie phone up give them the list they input it you pay over phone and then they deliver.

If he has dementia he can't really be in a Taxi on his own or really at home- they should eb getting someone to come in

Oh and where is DH in all these discussions....

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2015 20:31

I totally agree, you have to be firm, tell her your dh was very mistaken that you cannot and are not able to provide any care. Give them an inch, they will take a mile. Her dh won't have that, well I think its that they don't want to pay for it. If there is no other option, he is going to have to have whatever is available, even going to respite if he cannot manage safely alone. I meant draw up a list of agencies and pop it through her letterbox.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 20:31

'She is now saying 'oh, he won't have any of that''

'Oh, that's a pity. I hope you work something out.' She doesn't want to pay for the daycare. She wants you to do it for free. So you offer nothing.

'We cannot offer any help.'

Every time they use your time, that's time you could be spending with your kids. They don't care if they rip off time and money from your kids, and not out of necessity, but because they are tight. You start seeing it like this, the way it is, and it will burn you up enough to just stop being their doormat.

Leelu6 · 30/12/2015 20:32

otherwise, do that brilliant vague English thing we do so well.

What's that then, Finally?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2015 20:32

He will probably be persuaded to take him on a hospital visit too, but from past experience she didn't offer to pay for parking let alone petrol money

That one's perfectly simple - he explains that he didn't bring money, so oh dear, what a shame, they won't be able to park and visit after all. I guarantee it wouldn't happen twice!!

And why respond to suggestions for "a meeting" and encourage her to make a big issue of it? Simply tell her in passing that he can come for a very quick tea on whatever day and that you'll pick up a few bits for her if she provides a list and it works for your timetable. If she's rude enough to insist on more or tries emotional blackmail, just use "that won't work for me" and change the subject

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2015 20:34

I agree expat, its freeloading. There are options that they could use, but do not because they don't want to pay, and want op to do free transport and care. I am afraid it will have to be a big fat no, I am very busy at work and with family. Sorry contact those numbers I gave you.

Charlesroi · 30/12/2015 20:35

Re the meeting: be busy, very busy. You've got a lot on for the foreseeable future, so can't really spare the time for a meeting. Sorry, but that's how it goes.
Similarly, if cornered, you can't commit to dates and times for care or taxi duties because you are really busy. "You need to make plans for someone to come in at a regular time because we just can't"

HortonWho · 30/12/2015 20:36

Just be blunt back - we can't afford to take you to hospital for free, so we will need X amount for petrol. This is the meal plan for our next two weeks. Your husband is welcome to join us on days X and y. I can't cater to his preferences so if you think he won't like my food, put on a list ready made meal & leave me the money for it and I will serve him that when he comes over.

She will not be so keen once she realises she needs to pay.

Friendlystories · 30/12/2015 20:36

I know it's hard and would require a serious deep breath and girding of loins but I would have to front it out with her. Go over and clearly say, there seems to have been a misunderstanding, my DH offered a meal for your DH whilst you're in hospital and you seem to have misunderstood that to mean regular meals, lifts to the hospital and help with shopping. We're more than happy to chip in with a meal one night to break the monotony for your DH but that's all we're able to offer, we have a busy life as a family and I thought it was best to be clear so we're not at cross purposes. It needs to be made crystal clear that she has deliberately misinterpreted DH's kind offer and that you're not going to sleepwalk into becoming their carer or that's exactly what will happen. Offering a meal is more than many people would do for a neighbour and it's unfair and inappropriate to expect you to do any more.

bimbobaggins · 30/12/2015 20:38

Exactly what expat said. Not harshat all.

GoodtoBetter · 30/12/2015 20:39

Expat is right, this woman is totally taking the piss. You need to woman up.

VimFuego101 · 30/12/2015 20:40

I agree with expat - you need to draw very clear lines here as to what, if anything, you're able to do. And definitely do not drive them to the hospital for free or cook special meals for him!

GooseberryJam · 30/12/2015 20:41

I have elderly parents and last year my mother was unexpectedly in hospital for some months. My dad, who is 85, managed perfectly well to make himself breakfast, sandwich lunches and a microwaveable evening meal. This 'generation who can't cook' is quite an assumption. If this man held down a job, he can make a sandwich and work a microwave. Personally I'd say you can't do evening meals, but if you wanted to be nice - as you clearly do - you could offer to get a shop in for him weekly that would include a set of microwave meals (all supermarkets do 'traditional' meat and 2 veg ranges, these were what I got my dad) and stuff to make breakfast and lunches out of. Your DH could pop over to supervise if this man feels he'll have trouble with that. On that subject, I'd be telling your DH that since he got you into this, he can either do the required meal provision himself, or go over and explain there's been a misunderstanding. Which would he prefer?

Griphook · 30/12/2015 20:41

I do wonder what your husband volunteered for? It's a bit jump form he can come for dinner now and again to let's draw up times for care, dinner, shopping.... Can you get your dh to be clear. Does he feel guilty and run away with himself?

frumpet · 30/12/2015 20:43

I do kind of feel sorry for them , they are a generation promised the 'cradle to grave ' level of care which simply isn't forthcoming any more . I bet the nephews suggested respite or daycare and have been told it is all in hand .

Still not convinced that he is going to be safe while she is in hospital .

DoreenLethal · 30/12/2015 20:44

'Hi, my husband said he could come over for one tea, not every night! We are working and you need to speak to X to get this sorted. There is now way we could do that. Here, try this number'.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2015 20:46

Oh, that's a pity. I hope you work something out

An excellent, all-purpose phrase, expat - and definitely one for OP to remember

rookiemere · 30/12/2015 20:47

It doesn't sound exactly like a money issue. I suspect the DH should not be on his own and is in fact not capable of looking after himself and neither of them want to face up to this.

Don't let yourself get dragged into this. Agree you need to speak to them asap, in some ways a note would be better that makes it clear what you can and can't do, as if you go and talk to them you may end up taking on more than you want.

I wouldn't be offering 3 meals a week and a shop, do what your DH said you'd do originally - one meal a week. Send her a note, explain how busy you are, if you're feeling kind you could detail some of the services that are available for her, if you do it now they have enough time to sort out arrangements that don't involve you.

midnightlurker · 30/12/2015 20:48

I would take a portion of dinner round each night, stay for 10min then leave. Very little extra work, he gets fed, job done.

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