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Original poster

To not want to take on this responsibility

250 replies

sayerville · 30/12/2015 19:35

I have 2 elderly neighbours lower down the road. The lady is having a hip op in 2 weeks. A few months ago my DH mentioned her DH could come up for tea, now she has taken this on board and wants me to meet with her to discuss what will happen. She thinks I will be having him every day for an evening meal and taking him to visit her. She said I don't want to press you but what days are you visiting me? I said I was unsure as I'd be working and could he get a taxi to visit her, she said it was expensive....even though she gets Att allowance as he has dementia. I work 4 full days so don't mind say 3 nights a week but some I work late and don't get in until 6.15pm and I'm knackered. Having lost my Mum earlier this year I feel a bit drained as she also had dementia and I'm finding this all a bit OTT. Also she is talking about me doing her shopping when she is out of hospital so I can see this being long term....am I being mean spirited?

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 30/12/2015 20:49

'Oh, which night can he come over for his tea then?'
'I have no idea, depends on which night my husband is cooking'

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 20:49

'I do kind of feel sorry for them , '

And they are getting it. She has been given attendance allowance to buy in the care he needs. She doesn't want to do that, she wants the OP and her DH to provide all that. At their own expense and the time and expense that belongs to their family. Nothing to feel sorry for here.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 30/12/2015 20:51

oh goodness sounds like my mum. sympathies. I am often trying to stop her relying on the neighbours for things she can manage herself.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 20:52

'I would take a portion of dinner round each night, stay for 10min then leave. Very little extra work, he gets fed, job done.'

Except it isn't 'very little extra work'. She has to cook something he will eat, she's knackered after working, she's emotionally drained after losing her mother who had dementia, and he'll rope her into staying and doing more and more.

Time and money that belongs to her and her family.

BabyGanoush · 30/12/2015 20:52

Don't give more than you are prepared (able to) give

You are not responsible for them

It sounds like they are trying to use you, it's a huge ask

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2015 20:53

I do wonder what your husband volunteered for? It's a bit jump form he can come for dinner now and again to let's draw up times for care, dinner, shopping

Not necessarily, griphook. IME such folk can be pretty skilled at taking a simple offer and building a lot of expectations on it - an idea supported by the neighbour's rejection of OP's suggestions of help elsewhere

AddToBasket · 30/12/2015 20:54

OP, don't go to the meeting. Call her at a time convenient to you and say that you think there has been misunderstanding. You are not able to provide the support that you would like to be. Unfortunately other things have come up and you will still be able to collect shopping on X day, but that's it.

Be so, so careful. There is no end date to this support. Once she comes home they will continue to rely on you. It could get very stressful and take time away from your own family.

Viviennemary · 30/12/2015 20:54

I think you're offering to do quite a lot already. But make sure you aren't sending mixed messages of no trouble at all. Just do as others have said. Say you can do tea on xy days and shopping on z. Most elderly people don't like to ask. And just say your DH didn't realise your other commitments. After work meetings and so on.

Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 20:57

I initially thought i was being mean not providing for all the week she is away but now I don't feel so bad apart from I have to front up to her, well she can take it or leave it, I have a feeling she'll take it.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 20:59

She is the one who is mean. STOP enabling her. Make her pay for it if you offer anything at all. This is time and money that could be going towards your family, she's taking it off your kids. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Lucked · 30/12/2015 20:59

It is probably be best in the long run if he has to muddle through on his own for a couple of days. Next time they are in a crisis they will be older and his dementia may have advanced so it has to be clear you can't be at their beck and call.

I would be proactive and knock on their door and catch them somewhat unprepared for your new brisk and decisive manner. Also you are Bly going to get worked up about it so get it over with.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2015 21:05

Another thought - are you planning to visit her in hospital?

If so, it might be worth arranging a quiet word with the ward sister, just to mention the situation re care needs on discharge. They won't discuss much with you as you're not next of kin, but it could head off the awful alternative of her telling them everything's in hand and that you'll be doing it all

Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:10

Perhaps I should say that my family DC are at uni so I should have the time but unfortunately last thing I feel like doing most days after work is entertaining!
I really don't want to visit the hosp, I have had a bellyfull of those visits and these days they can give the phone to the patient even though she was pressing me tonight when I would be going, I just don't want to. I think it was more of when am I taking her DH though I did state he could get a taxi in the day for about £9 each way she then corrected me to say it was £11 last time she went.

OP posts:
Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:12

I think I am winding myself up about how cheeky I think she is being and the fact I have to have that talk with her. I just know she will say she was expecting x and now what will she do...

OP posts:
Potatoface2 · 30/12/2015 21:14

i definately agree with the above....having a word with the hospital as otherwise when she is discharged you will be expected to run around after both of them. At their age she should be able to get a Welcome home package ..discuss with the lead nurse well before discharge and tell them that they cant rely on you as the staff may believe that you are willing and able to do it

Headofthehive55 · 30/12/2015 21:15

I like expats there has been a misunderstanding, Im afraid we just have too much on to help apart from....

Smile. Look regretful.

Seriously I work in an area in hospital with sometimes elderly people who need extra care after discharge. If they tell you they have ever so helpful neighbours, the hospital won't do anything.

Pethaps the Red Cross? They do a befriending service...and shopping?

You could say oh I don't think I will be able to get you any shopping so perhaps the Red Cross?

Otherwise they will ask all the time. My uncle does this to all his neighbours. He drives but not to the hospital for outpatient appointments as it costs too much to park the car! And his ever so Kind neighbour will take him!

Headofthehive55 · 30/12/2015 21:17

And don't forget sometimes operations don't go well, and she could be in for weeks....

Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:17

My own mother would not have asked me to do this...I have to remember that but obviously that's different as I would have done anything for her, here there's a strange expectation

OP posts:
Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:18

headof Jeez yeah I did think of that but dismissed it I can't face that one...

OP posts:
Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:20

Or maybe it will be cancelled and it it's snowing - which it could be that could make things more problematic?

OP posts:
Original poster
sayerville · 30/12/2015 21:24

Anyhow, thank you all for your input, helpful in that at least I know I am not being unreasonable, I will maybe report back later when I have had the conversation with her which I am not looking forward to but I have my not so DH to thank for the situation....

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 21:24

I think I am winding myself up about how cheeky I think she is being and the fact I have to have that talk with her. I just know she will say she was expecting x and now what will she do...

Then practise now. Do NOT offer runs to the hospital. Just 'Sorry for the misunderstanding. We are not in a position to offer assistance. We have far too much on just now. You will need to make other arrangements.'

'What will I do?'

'You will need to take up some of the help you've been offered - daycare. And call the social worker. And arrange taxi transport for his visits' (please do not do that to yourself emotionally).

'But that costs/is expensive.'

'It's unfortunate, but nothing in life is free. And we are not in a position to provide assistance.'

'But your husband said,'

'He offered to have him over for one meal. Not regular care. I'm really sorry for the miscommunication, but we are not able to provide assistance.'

She has the mind power to get her hands on monies - attendance allowance, council tax benefit, she can sort this out.

It really has to be nipped in the bud now.

I would ring her so she can't pin you down in person.

She's got a helluva cheek.

As for the hospital, if they ring you, set them straight.

Headofthehive55 · 30/12/2015 21:26

If he gets disability allowance then it means he needs care.

She is going into hospital means no one is providing that care. I suspect it is unsafe and I think it would be best if you ring social services and let them know.

rookiemere · 30/12/2015 21:26

It might be helpful to have some of the ideas written down i.e. Red Cross, Age Concern, meals on wheels, local care agency telephone number, that way when she says that she can't afford the taxi fare, or her DH couldn't get to the shops on his own, you aren't just walking away, you're giving them the tools to sort it out for themselves.

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 21:27

And your husband needs to learn to keep his trap shut.

You don't need this stress. You've lost your mum, you've had to deal with caring, you did your part. Flowers

Cut yourself a huge break here. You are working and you need time to decompress.

You are not mean, this person is a major user.

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