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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shaken and freaked out. Future rapist for sure

255 replies

Chitterchatter1 · 30/12/2015 12:03

I went to visit a family friend who has recently lost her father. She lives in another town, so I drove and slept there.
We spent the evening drinking and reminiscing about her father. Her half brother was there with a friend. A very familial atmosphere. Lots of chatter. At leaving time the friend offered to walk us home. On arrival it got weird . It started with him insisting to come in. We politely declined. He got aggressive started talking all sexual and vulgar and tried to push his way into the house. We were pleading screaming for him to leave. He got his leg into the house, and his arm around the door and was jammed there, with both of us pushing the door closed. He must have been in agony bot refused to leave. It was scary. If we had been weaker, or alone he could have got in. He is a young man 20 ish. This lasted for about 10 minutes. My friend does not want to call the police . Her dad just died and I guess she has dynamics to consider. I think this man is a future rapist and deserves to be arrested.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/12/2015 21:46

FlowersErTutMirLeid

You have pretty much nailed it - I feel so uncomfortable reading this thread and some of the awful stories shared

Poor poor OP - get some sleep pet

BeyondJinglebells · 30/12/2015 21:59

I just want to say, while you are both utterly, utterly not responsible for his actions and it is up to you whether you report. Not reporting doesnt make it go away. It can be 10 years down the line and every time you see somene has been prosecuted for rape in your area, you will check to see if it is them

wonkylampshade · 30/12/2015 22:01

It's awful to read about the experiences of so many of you Flowers.

Op please report this bastard, don't let him get away with what he tried to do to you.

venusinscorpio · 30/12/2015 22:02

Seriously, would people stop laying a guilt trip or obligation on the OP? She hasn't done anything wrong! She is not responsible for this man's present or future actions in any way whatsoever. Whether or not she reports is up to her, and in the vast majority of cases it doesn't go anywhere. I'm a rape survivor who 15 years ago didn't report. I couldn't go through with it, I left it too long to give any physical evidence (ie I didn't go straight to the police station - was in denial) and I didn't think anyone would believe me. You can have a go at me instead of her.

Pannacott · 30/12/2015 23:18

What you might like to do is speak to the police anonymously, and ask what your options are. I think there is an option for reporting an allegation, which is not then investigated. So the police would have the allegation on record but not tell him about it. Then if he is arrested again in the future, they might respond more encouragingly to a future victim than if there were no previous allegations. So you could help future victims but your friend could avoid repercussions if she is scared. Not quite ideal but still somewhat helpful. Good luck to you both.

Original poster
Chitterchatter1 · 30/12/2015 23:25

my friend has made it clear that to her I would be making a bad situation worse. She categorically does not want the police involved. It turns out that her step brother is involved in low level drug dealing and does not want the police at his door.. It feels like by reporting I would being harm to her already shattered family.
Tbh I ha been really enjoying my holiday with kids and family, I went for a drive to see a friend in need and suddenly I'm involved in this seedy dirty story. I think she is so wrong in allowing him to do this. But I'm not the one stuck in s small town, where this person will be unavoidable. How her step brother earns his money is unfortunate and the whole thing is making me really uncomfortable. I don't want to be involved. I know I am. My friend has always been vulnerable and has suffered mental health issues, not settled in life and right now I'm angry at her. She wants to say that he had a bad turn on the alcohol and leave it at that. im just so eternally grateful I get to walk away. I really feel for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chitterchatter1 · 30/12/2015 23:28

Panacott thanks that really does sound like the best thing I could do

OP posts:
Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 23:32

Reporting this wouldn't put her stepbrother at risk unless the friend is also involved in the drug dealing business. And, to be honest, if he is then she really shouldn't be protecting him at the cost of her own safety.

How could you be making it worse if the alternative that this man now sees her as an easy target and will almost certainly do it again when she is on her own? Can you actually walk away knowing that she is at such appalling risk?

Bunbaker · 30/12/2015 23:39

I'm sorry, but I don't see an end to your friend's problems if she lets this monster get away with it. He is her brother's friend and knows where she lives. I still think that for her own safety she or you need to talk to the police.

HairForNow · 30/12/2015 23:43

They wouldn't even call at her brothers house, unless she lives with him, and she can opt to go to the station if needed. And surely if he thinks police are coming he can clean ups they're not going to be thinking "drug dealer" unless the house stinks/is wrapped in tinfoil etc.

I would be really really worried for your friend that by not reporting it she is in more danger from him, he will think he can get away with it as she'll be too scared and he'll see she's scared when he next goes round. But if he knows he's reported,then he won't go near her as if anything happens to her he'll know he's the first person the police will call on.

OPs friend, if you're still reading this, so very sorry this is triggering, please let the OP deal with this for you, you don't have to speak to the police if you don't want to, let her do it. It will make you safer

penguinsarecool · 30/12/2015 23:45

Definitely i would report him.

Pannacott · 30/12/2015 23:48

Oh good, I'm glad that's helpful. It's a shame your friend is in a vulnerable situation and can't be more helpful currently, but that's the way it is. For what it's worth, the Police probably won't be interested in the drug dealing in this situation. You could ask them about it anonymously as well "a friend of a friend" etc. They will understand what you are asking and tell you how they would normally handle these things. What a horrible situation for you, and her.

YouSayWhaaat · 31/12/2015 00:04

If in a few months time you hear that he had raped and/or killed someone, how will you cope? Let me be very clear, I will NOT have been your fault, you will not be to blame, he will, BUT you seem like a very lovely person and a wonderful friend and I suspect you will carry on yourself. I would not wish that weight on anyone. The right thing to do in life is very seldom the easiest.

YouSayWhaaat · 31/12/2015 00:08

Sorry typos
'It' will not have been your fault
I suspect you will carry 'it' on yourself

UnGoogleable · 31/12/2015 00:12

I think OPs friend has made it very clear that she doesn't want to take it further. I think OP is right to respect that - her friend is going through a hard enough time at the moment.

If in a few months time you hear that he had raped and/or killed someone, how will you cope - Unless you think that by reporting this incident, the police are going to arrest this man (they won't) and put him in prison for life immediately (they won't) then reporting him will do absolutely nothing to prevent him from raping or killing someone in a few months time.

The only good that can come of reporting him is that it will be on his record, so that if he does it again, the police might be more likely to suspect him or believe allegations.

Reporting him is highly unlikely to stop him from doing it again. So please stop making OP feel guilty for something that is entirely out of her control.

OP, I'm so sorry this shitbag has ruined your Christmas holidays. Flowers for you and your friend.

Original poster
Chitterchatter1 · 31/12/2015 00:16

The friend lives with the step brother. I only found that out at some point this afternoon. I don't think officially, but he is always there. Yuck yuck yuck. I'm going to to report this. I don't want to have him charged . I'm ok. but this WILL go on his file. I was sat with my 19 year old niece this afternoon. No way am I going to not have this recorded. Vile vile sub human. I think I will feel better once I've done it.

OP posts:
Dipankrispaneven · 31/12/2015 00:17

OP has a right to respect her friend's wish not to report it herself. But that shouldn't impact on OP's right to report the unpleasant attack she suffered, and friend shouldn't expect it.

Dipankrispaneven · 31/12/2015 00:20

I know this isn't the right time to deal with the drug dealing, but at some point in the near future I hope your friend will cut herself off from that or tell her stepbrother it has to stop because she can't continue to put herself at risk to protect him. On any interpretation, dealing in drugs is the pits and her stepbrother is putting himself in an incredibly risky situation.

FlatOnTheHill · 31/12/2015 00:20

Bloody hell. Second thread in two days about a weirdo.
You must call police. If this person not dealt with then he could get right out of hand and seriously hurt someone.
Dont think about it, do it. Call the police.

venusinscorpio · 31/12/2015 00:23

Let me be very clear, YouSay, you are guilt tripping and victim blaming the OP and you need to stop it. It's her decision whether to report based on her circumstances and how she feels, not yours. You are contributing to making her feel more awful over something horrible which happened to her which isn't in any way her fault.

venusinscorpio · 31/12/2015 00:30

Chitterchatter, I'm so glad you are doing what you feel is right and reporting what happened, even if you don't want anything to come of it in your case. I think it's a very difficult position for you to be in, and I feel for you. It's possible your friend might eventually want to report it too, when she's processed it properly.

amarmai · 31/12/2015 00:37

the only way you can help your friend is to report.

oneowlgirl · 31/12/2015 00:37

Well done Op - hope it goes ok (or at least as well as can be expected).

FlatOnTheHill · 31/12/2015 00:37

For all of those saying the OP should not feel bad for not reporting and that any future crimes are not her fault are correct. They are not her fault. But if she does report this, which she should do. She could be preventing others from being attacked or even killed. She has a duty to herself and to others to report this bastard.

venusinscorpio · 31/12/2015 00:46

She does not have a duty to do anything at all. She didn't ask or expect this to happen. It is her decision how she deals with a traumatic event, not anyone else's. By saying it is her duty, you basically are saying it's her fault if he rapes someone else. Stop blaming the victim.