Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

AIBU?

Shaken and freaked out. Future rapist for sure

255 replies

Chitterchatter1 · 30/12/2015 12:03

I went to visit a family friend who has recently lost her father. She lives in another town, so I drove and slept there.
We spent the evening drinking and reminiscing about her father. Her half brother was there with a friend. A very familial atmosphere. Lots of chatter. At leaving time the friend offered to walk us home. On arrival it got weird . It started with him insisting to come in. We politely declined. He got aggressive started talking all sexual and vulgar and tried to push his way into the house. We were pleading screaming for him to leave. He got his leg into the house, and his arm around the door and was jammed there, with both of us pushing the door closed. He must have been in agony bot refused to leave. It was scary. If we had been weaker, or alone he could have got in. He is a young man 20 ish. This lasted for about 10 minutes. My friend does not want to call the police . Her dad just died and I guess she has dynamics to consider. I think this man is a future rapist and deserves to be arrested.

OP posts:

Report

venusinscorpio · 31/12/2015 11:21

Yes Cwtch, you could still report him. A close friend of mine reported her rape 10 years later. The police did take it seriously, I was asked for a formal statement (I had moved into a shared student house with her just afterwards) about what she said to me about it at the time, which I gave. It didn't go to court but she got a huge sense of closure from it and a stress induced health problem she had had for years spontaneously cleared up after that. So it was worth it for her, they did arrest him (an ex of hers). I can understand that you may not wish to make an abusive man angry now that you've moved on. It is totally your decision.

Atomik · 31/12/2015 11:46

I wish people would stop accusing posters of victim blaming

Commenting to a female who has been attacked that her behavoirs contributed to her attack is victim blaming. Eg Yeah, but that skirt you had on !

Commenting to a female that she shares responsibility with her attacker for his future victims is victim blaming. Eg You enable him by not reporting. You have a duty to report him so others don't get hurt. How will you feel if you don't report him, he gets away with this and he rapes somebody else ?

There have been many posts that resemble that mindset. Yet few takers for the questions that ErTutMirLeid posed.

The OP has very little chance of taking this man off the street. His injuries will possibly corroborate an attempt on his part to force entry. But they won't prove the intent to sexually assault or rape. Becuase he was unsuccessful. Her reporting will however stand a reasonably good chance of marking his card. So if another woman has reported/goes on to report him for a crime where she states there was a sexual element, the police are more aware that he is one to watch in terms of accusations of sex crimes. It is likely that one day he will be successful, if hasn't been already, and the day that woman walks in the police station the OP can metaphorically hold her hand, by upping the odds that the police have no doubt she is telling the truth and he is a big fat lying perverted scrote.

Women are not stupid. They will never in huge numbers become motivated to get over a very real hump to report if what they are being sold is blatantly untrue. We know there is a low conviction rate for sex crimes. We see the pitiful sentences. We know that sentence given and time served don't look the same. We know that even by reporting and helping secure a conviction that future victims can merely be delayed for a few years, rather than taken off the table.

Women don't deserve to be emotionally beaten over the head with a responsibility that is not theirs. Not after what they have been through. Not when it is inaccurate.

What is more accurate, more sellable, is offering metaphorical hand holding as an objective of reporting. That by playing a part in creating a paper trail that plagues a scrote, you can sit next to the next victim in spirit and play a role in helping to lessen her fear of not being believed, or being told she is making a mountain out of a molehill. Becuase his form, that you helped create, suggests her version of events is more believable than his.

If we can dump the "don't report and you are enabling a rapist to create more victims !" hammer and replace it with a "if you feel able, you can position yourself to provide "I'm telling the truth" support and lessen the awfulness for future victims" choice ....we might get somewhere in terms of increasing reporting. The idea that something you do now, no matter how little it does to deal with what was done to you, can in the future alleviate some of a future victim's distress is more accurate, tangible and can feel do-able. In a way that "You have to report to get this monster off the streets !" does not.

At some point we have to pick. Do we want to continue with a stratagy that as long ago as the 80s some police people were saying did not work in terms of motivating women to report crimes against their person ? Or do we want to reframe the benefits of reporting, so that they better reflect the more likely outcomes/gains of reporting and propose them as a genuine choice....that perhaps more women would feel is worth making?

I'm not guaranteeing it, but if more women felt there was a tangible, achievable benefit of reporting, perhaps reporting (over time) would rise to levels never previously seen.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/12/2015 12:04

What a frightening thing to happen. I appreciate the whole event must have been very triggering for her but am sorry in addition, her stepbrother's activities make your friend reluctant to report his housemate.

That man certainly didn't care that she was his mate's stepsister or that you were a family friend.
He knows where your friend lives - that is what would make me phone the police.

venusinscorpio · 31/12/2015 12:12

Great post Atomik. You put it much better than I have but yes, exactly.

Chitterchatter1 · 31/12/2015 12:14

Yep. Just did it. I only flagged his name, but as some of you said at least it might help some poor girl in the future.

OP posts:

BeyondCBA · 31/12/2015 12:21

Well done chitterchatter

Gruntfuttock · 31/12/2015 12:27

What response did you get, OP?

Chitterchatter1 · 31/12/2015 12:32

To be honest it was anti climatic. Because of data protection, they can't tell me if he already is a rapist. They took his name asked a few questions...I made sure they promised not to inform him of my accusation. At least I feel a bit better about myself.

OP posts:

Atomik · 31/12/2015 12:42

Chitter

You may never hear of the woman/women who might one day may be grateful for what you did. But all the same you have done the nearest thing you can do to provide something of a female shoulder to lean on, in a time of crisis. It has the potential to counter any worries she/they that she/they will be perceived as hysterical, making a mountain out of a molehill, or not being entirely truthful. Which can be a massive boon in one of the more awful moments of life. So

Don't forget about you in this, Your sore muscles will get better soon. There is no hard and fast rule that says you will have an unavoidable, long, complicated emotional hangover from this. But it can take time to manage and come to terms with for some people, sometimes. Whatever tools and support you may need, depending on how you feel, know you deserve access to them.

Sometimes "he didn't actually get to hurt me that way, despite the evident intent, so really it's nothing" guilt/minimising can get in the way. It's worth being aware that it is not an uncommon stumbling block, just in case.

coconutpie · 31/12/2015 12:46

Well done OP, I'm so proud of you. At the end of the day, it was totally your decision whether to report that scumbag or not because he also attacked you, not just your friend. Big huge hugs for reporting it.

Chitterchatter1 · 31/12/2015 12:51

It's actually making me well up reading over all of your stories. I have felt supported, and had access to information sharing , your opinions have helped me form mine.

OP posts:

CwtchMeQuick · 31/12/2015 12:52

Chitter I'm so pleased you reported him.

Jingle and Venus I know I could still report him, and it's something I've thought a lot about. But I don't feel like I can. If I was alone I think I maybe would, but I have DS. We're safe now, we have no contact and he doesn't know where we are. But I also know if I made him angry he could find us, and I can't put my baby through that. It probably sounds irrational but I have made my peace with it, we've moved on and I can't go back there

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/12/2015 12:58

Cwtch
You sound entirely rational. You need to choose the course of action that gives you the greatest peace of mind and security. If the way to get that is to keep your head down and do nothing at all to attract his attention then that is the right thing to do.

wonkylampshade · 31/12/2015 13:06

Well done Chitter

P1nkP0ppy · 31/12/2015 13:11

Well done OP, hopefully you've prevented him doing it again.💐

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 31/12/2015 13:11

Very courageous Chitter. Love to you and indeed to anyone else who has suffered such a terrible endurance.

knobblyknee · 31/12/2015 13:14

Great post, Atomik

And well done Chitterchatter1

If you google his name, you might find some items from the local newspapers - they still report from the small courts...

venusinscorpio · 31/12/2015 13:18

Well done Chitter, it's a brave thing you did.

And Cwtch. Nothing irrational at all about wanting to protect yourself and your child from harm. Glad you have been able to move on.

SkiptonLass2 · 31/12/2015 13:21

atomik a very eloquent post.

Several years back I was approached and followed down s bike path by a man. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that if I hadn't turned around and screamed at him he'd have dragged me off that path. I'm not sure why he didn't, perhaps he just hadn't the nerve for a full on fight.

I did report it and the police took me very seriously, even though he'd not laid a finger on me. The female officer told me that a man of that description had approached several women who all looked like me (small, same colour hair) and they were building up a picture of someone who was escalating their behaviour and had a 'type.'

I absolutely agree that it wasn't my responsibility to report the incident. It also wasn't on me to fight him off - however you react under that situation, freezing or fighting it doesn't make you responsible- the responsibility is on the attached alone.

Like the op in her recent post though, I reported because it helped me deal with it. If he'd have really tried to drag me away he'd have succeeded - I'm not a strong person, but my going to the police helped me reframe it from a one sided frightening incident to me feeling like I'd fought back s bit.

HoHoHoandaBottleOfRum · 31/12/2015 13:57

Well done op. it will all be very discreet, but v imp to flag his name.

Gruntfuttock · 31/12/2015 14:42

P1nkP0ppy "Well done OP, hopefully you've prevented him doing it again."

Sorry, but if he doesn't know that the police have been contacted and they're not going to speak to him, how will it prevent him doing it again?

Pipistrella · 31/12/2015 16:39

I'm glad you have logged it. I'd like to think that I would have asked them to speak to him, and check his injuries and the damage to the door and press charges for attempted rape. But I don't know that I would in your circumstances - none of us can know that.

The danger is that he will think he has got away with it and will now up his game.

I wonder, if the police are aware of the allegation, if there is anything they can do off their own bat as it were - can they decide now that he's someone worth charging, whether or not you want to pursue it?

I dont really know how it works.

CwtchMeQuick · 31/12/2015 17:16

Thank you Chaz and Venus.

Personally I think Chitter did the right thing, the police will now be aware of him if they weren't already. And hopefully they'll keep a log on her friend's address so if this man was to try anything and the police were called, the call would be a priority.

oneowlgirl · 31/12/2015 17:24

Really well done Op. I'm amazed by the bravery shown on this thread - thank you all for sharing - your bravery in dealing with your various incidents in your own ways really is empowering to hear. Thank you.

Pannacott · 31/12/2015 20:23

Good for you Chitter.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.