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AIBU?

Shaken and freaked out. Future rapist for sure

255 replies

Chitterchatter1 · 30/12/2015 12:03

I went to visit a family friend who has recently lost her father. She lives in another town, so I drove and slept there.
We spent the evening drinking and reminiscing about her father. Her half brother was there with a friend. A very familial atmosphere. Lots of chatter. At leaving time the friend offered to walk us home. On arrival it got weird . It started with him insisting to come in. We politely declined. He got aggressive started talking all sexual and vulgar and tried to push his way into the house. We were pleading screaming for him to leave. He got his leg into the house, and his arm around the door and was jammed there, with both of us pushing the door closed. He must have been in agony bot refused to leave. It was scary. If we had been weaker, or alone he could have got in. He is a young man 20 ish. This lasted for about 10 minutes. My friend does not want to call the police . Her dad just died and I guess she has dynamics to consider. I think this man is a future rapist and deserves to be arrested.

OP posts:

Report

Chitterchatter1 · 30/12/2015 13:10

He will certainly have injuries to his leg. It will be black and blue and the door itself is damaged.
Earlier in the evening he had been talking about never having had a girlfriend.
There was a maternal energy to the conversation. I'm getting really angry, because in his dillusional head I think he took my king encouraging words as flirting.
Many thanks for helping me break this down. I am a fully grown adult but am finding my own feelings quite complex. It's like I'm looking for ways to minimise his actions and even blame myself for ...leading him on with my encouraging chat. I pity him also.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 30/12/2015 13:10

You need to pick up the phone, if only to protect some young woman who does get raped, as by then his DNA will be on a database and he can be caught quicker and save others from rape or even worse.

No point in having a police force if you aren't going to use them when they really are needed.

coconutpie · 30/12/2015 13:11

You need to report this to the police now. You were almost attacked. If the two of you weren't able to fend him off he could have raped and / or murdered you both. Your friend is grieving for the loss of her dad - she is not thinking straight right now. Otherwise she would want to report it. You need to take control of the situation and report it yourself AND inform the half brother what happened.

you must be so shaken up. What an absolute scumbag vile piece of shit he is. The next victim may not be so lucky.

PlaysWellWithOthers · 30/12/2015 13:12

^^ What Chaz said.... ye gods wotoodoo where do you get off blaming the OP for the future actions of this man?

TheFirstNoelHeadbands · 30/12/2015 13:12

Nobody is responsible for his actions, future or otherwise, but him.
There is no 'enabling'.

Are you going to report OP?

DoreenLethal · 30/12/2015 13:12

Stop trying to project reason onto it in the first place!

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 30/12/2015 13:13

Yeah all those rapists out there are the fault of women who haven't taken the time to risk a prejudiced justice system or teach men that rape is a bad thing...

OP ignore the more absurd advice here, but know that in your case you have 2 witnesses, a sustained violent attack and likely injuries on the attacker that will support your case. That should reassure your friend that you are doing the right thing - and I hope that you report it together.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/12/2015 13:13

man I would call the police! I know your friend does not have the energy- but it needs to go on the record

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 13:14

If you don't report it then you are inadvertently giving him the green light to behave like that. You become an enabler, it is as simple as that.

No, she doesn't. I absolutely agree that she should report it, but if she didn't it wouldn't make her in any way complicit in or enabling of any future crime he might commit. Only he is responsible for that.

OP, I suspect your friend will agree with calling the police once she has a chance to think about it. It would be helpful if she does, because obviously the evidence of two people is better. But if she still won't, don't let that stop you.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/12/2015 13:15

It's like I'm looking for ways to minimise his actions and even blame myself for ...leading him on with my encouraging chat. I pity him also

Oh sigh. OP been there and got the t shirt - its so fucked up isn't it

coconutpie · 30/12/2015 13:15

Please don't waste anymore time trying to understand why he did this. The reality is that he is a sadistic piece of shit. Call the police now - he will have the bruises, you have the evidence. Please please call the police.

DyslexicScientist · 30/12/2015 13:16

Call the police ASAP. Something happened even if he didn't get in.

Could your friend equip herself with something to fend him off as he knows where she lives. Maybe a home made kanye pepper spray?

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 30/12/2015 13:17

It's common for victims of assault (and this is actual assault btw and probably attempted rape) to try to find what they did wrong. It's because it gives us a way to avoid making the same "mistakes" again and makes us feel like we can be safer in the future.

Know that the thought process is very common, but it is still wrong. Besides which even if you had been flirting with the man, the part where he stepped back should have been as soon as you said "no" not after failing to break down a door. Bloody maniac.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2015 13:17

Don't pity him for one minute - he didn't pity either of you did he. Your friend is bereaved and yet he put her (and you) through an absolute nightmare at an emotionally vulnerable time.

Stop and think for a minute - would most men think that a women supporting and staying with a bereaved friend would be up for a quick shag just because she had spoken kindly to him during an evening.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2015 13:18

OP why would you not report?

MuttonWasAGoose · 30/12/2015 13:19

He will do this, or similar, again. If the victim has the bravery to go to the police, it would help her to be taken seriously if he already had something on his record regarding sexual assault.

Gileswithachainsaw · 30/12/2015 13:19

Don't blame yourself for "leading him on"

even if you had stripped off to your underwear and let him drink shots off your arse, you still had the right to stop it at any point and expect to be able to walk away.

no matter where he thought the chat was going yiu dint get any clearer than you shutting the door on him. so stop blaming yourself.

he may he young but he's still an adult and one who should know better.

i hope you can find the strength to report him.

Pipistrella · 30/12/2015 13:21

I am so sorry that this person behaved so badly towards you.

I would urge you to report it, ASAP, so that evidence can be obtained.

I don't think you are responsible if he does this again. Far from it. It's just that next time it could be different and it might be with a much younger or weaker woman, someone on her own perhaps. And I'd want to do everythign I could to try and prevent this from happening.

But I can see you're in a difficult position.

It's the 'right thing to do', IMO, even if it means the police want to speak to your friend as well. Perhaps there may have been other witnesses - neighbours? Perhaps they could assist?

I hope you feel better about it soon whatever you decide.

RealityCheque · 30/12/2015 13:24

Folk here on mn are far too quick to shout "call the police", but on this occasion you really should do.

As others have said, the damage to the door and to his leg will support your story. One point of order, however: you were not 'nearly attacked' as someone above stated. You were actually attacked.

Good luck.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/12/2015 13:28

If you don't report it then you are inadvertently giving him the green light to behave like that. You become an enabler, it is as simple as that

FUCK OFF WITH THE VICTIM BLAMING!!!!

sorry that's enraged me

yes all us bitches that don't report men we are scared off, what fucking enabling cunts we are hey?

PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 13:29

Sorry this happened to you Chitterchatter

I would say call the police, precisely because this is so clear cut. There were two of you, there is damage to the door and to his leg so there is physical evidence. That's pretty compelling.

Pipistrella · 30/12/2015 13:30

I didn't report something once - well, I did, but when it came to prosecution I backed off. I was scared of repercussions.

I can understand that.

Chitterchatter1 · 30/12/2015 13:30

The step brother has been told. He obviously is denying it, flapping about and acting confused as to why we would say these things. Creep.

OP posts:

loooopo · 30/12/2015 13:33

He may stalk you or your friend - and/or attack either of you at a later date.

He sound a bitter, nasty, deluded, sex starved, dangerous psycho.

This needs dealing with to avoid the above with you or someone else.

You are not over reacting. The police will decide the most appropriate action.

Please pick up the phone to the police - or even rape crisis if you need to talk it through. Please set yourself a deadline to dial the number. The advice here is unanimous - you are in shock so a bit paralysed.

Leelu6 · 30/12/2015 13:34

Stopfuckingshoutingatme - please take your own advice

Your obscenities to wootoodo are unwarranted.

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