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AIBU?

Shaken and freaked out. Future rapist for sure

255 replies

Chitterchatter1 · 30/12/2015 12:03

I went to visit a family friend who has recently lost her father. She lives in another town, so I drove and slept there.
We spent the evening drinking and reminiscing about her father. Her half brother was there with a friend. A very familial atmosphere. Lots of chatter. At leaving time the friend offered to walk us home. On arrival it got weird . It started with him insisting to come in. We politely declined. He got aggressive started talking all sexual and vulgar and tried to push his way into the house. We were pleading screaming for him to leave. He got his leg into the house, and his arm around the door and was jammed there, with both of us pushing the door closed. He must have been in agony bot refused to leave. It was scary. If we had been weaker, or alone he could have got in. He is a young man 20 ish. This lasted for about 10 minutes. My friend does not want to call the police . Her dad just died and I guess she has dynamics to consider. I think this man is a future rapist and deserves to be arrested.

OP posts:

Report

midsummabreak · 30/12/2015 13:55

Breaking it down:
He has deep emotional problems and this resulted in him having a major problem accepting that you were simply not interested in inviting him in or spending any further time with him. He became angry that he wasn't invited in. He then made the call to use all his force to try to push his way in- clearly against you and your friend's will He changed to becoming suddenly verbally abusive & demeaning to you. You did not deserve this from this animal You have done nothing wrong Sorry OP this whole incident would have been very very frightening

CheesyWeez · 30/12/2015 13:56

Something similar happened to me, after I had been kind to a man. I felt sorry that he had obvious difficulty getting about and moved up so he could sit down. We shared a friendly word.
Next I knew he had his hand up my skirt. I was 16. I got off the bus and went straight into the police station in tears, they were brilliant, and he was caught later that day. He had lots of previous form for this kind of stuff.

Being kind to SOME men makes them think you're weak. The police will be interested in your report. Leave your friend out of it if you need to! good luck

Atomik · 30/12/2015 13:57

If you don't report it then you are inadvertently giving him the green light to behave like that. You become an enabler, it is as simple as that.

Have you ever had to do it ?

Having been through it, I don't have it in me to blame the women who were targeted by him before me. I blame him. And I blame societal attitudes that make reporting an attempted, or successful sexual assault to be absolutely nothing like reporting other crimes against the person or property.

I know he had never even come close to being reported before. The fucker was back in his original spot where he first started to follow me when after several hours of running like the clappers, reporting, interview and pointless gazing at mug shots the police decided to drive me back up there to see if I could spot him. But despite never having been reported before, he knew it wasn't OK, and he knew it was gravely wrong. Or he wouldn't have taken off like a bat out of hell when I lept in front of a speeding car to try and get away from him. He was just banking on the price women pay for being victimised being enough to make them want to avoid any more pain that day and keep them out of the police station. The victims didn't create and nurture that reality, so why should we beat them over the head for a status quo not of their making ?

It's a bit more complex than "well at least I'm not a dismal failure of a woman who enables wannbe rapists" when deciding to go to the police. God knows not going was the far more attractive option at the time. If I weren't a teacher, if it hadn't been at a time, in a place where my own young female students might find themselves alone, I don't know if I would have had the fire in my belly to fight back the huge desire to just go and curl up in a ball somewhere and shake.

OP I can't promise you a rose garden when reporting. At the time it might feel masochistic. But the effects of this having been done to you can linger. No necessarily in a debilitating fashion, but there all the same. Having reported has been a huge tool in helping myself feel less vulnerable and powerless in that regard. It might be delayed benefit, but at the same it was worth what it cost at the time. It still is. I might not be caperble of walking anywhere on my own like I used to, but at least when DH drives me past where it happened every day I don't think about the moment when my sense of personal security crumbled, I get to think about the little shit's face when the police and I turned up and the " shock and awe" tables got turned on him. Sorry if this is a bit garbled. The gist is... Things get better. Reporting can help in the getting better. But if you can't bring yourself to report, for the love of God don't let anybody give you the burden of being responsible for a sex attackers choices and behavoirs. Because you are not responsible for what he did to you, or what he does to anybody else.

midsummabreak · 30/12/2015 13:58

You have every right to report him to police

WicksEnd · 30/12/2015 13:59

You absolutely must report him. As somebody pointed out up thread, it Amy not be the first time, it probably won't be the last be if the police have a DNA sample it means in the future he can be identified.
He is dangerous and your friend is in an extremely vulnerable position now her step brother has told him what you've said.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/12/2015 14:00

Stopfuckingshoutingatme - please take your own advice hmm

fair nuff- that post made me saw red in so so many ways. Thanks for calling me on it in a non confrontational way

SpecialistSnowflake · 30/12/2015 14:03

Please call the police. It's not a he-said, she-said situation. He'll have bruising which will prove what you are saying. As you say, if there had only been one of you there that night it may have been worst case scenario stuff.

If the step brother doesn't doubt it, is it because there have been other incidents?

midsummabreak · 30/12/2015 14:07

Agree with Atomic- don't feel guilty either way- it is totally your call from here & I hope you can seek support from a rape crisis centre as this is serious shit to deal with on your own Atomic & chesszy & others- sorry you have been through hell too

UnDeuxTroisCatsSank · 30/12/2015 14:07

Shocking and frightening.

I hope you find the strength to involve the police. While harrowing now, I am sure in the long term you will get over this more quickly knowing you reported him, he is on police radar and you will know something has happened as a consequence. If you don't report, you will be left with a sense of unfinished aggression.

blankmind · 30/12/2015 14:08

Please, contact the Police.

venusinscorpio · 30/12/2015 14:10

Great post, Atomik. OP, none of this is your fault. Absolutely nothing. I know what it feels like to blame yourself, please don't.

Anaffaquine123 · 30/12/2015 14:11

Please call the Police or at the very least WA to help you work through your feelings.
Report before his bruises disappear.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 30/12/2015 14:15

How are you feeling, OP? I'm glad your friend has the support of her step brother - it's important that you can talk about it and be believed.

I never reported my assault but worse was having people believe there was a misunderstanding so I'm glad he is unequivocally on your side.

Lottapianos · 30/12/2015 14:15

Huge hug / hand hold (whatever you prefer) to Atomik and to OP and to anyone else who has experienced something like this. It should go without saying that you are in no way at fault here whatsoever, but sadly it doesn't so again - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Scumbags like this make me feel very medieval

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/12/2015 14:25

Please call the police if you haven't already, think about all the women he will encounter in the future. Do the world a favour and report it now.

NewACforThisPost · 30/12/2015 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkiptonLass2 · 30/12/2015 14:29

Thinking about this, I doubt this is the first thing he's done. Violent behaviour tends to start small and escalate- attempting to force your way into a property is not beginners stuff. How utterly terrifying for you.

Please report it, op. This guy is dangerous and needs to be brought to the attention of the authorities. He must not be allowed to get away with this

Skzr1214 · 30/12/2015 14:31

What a nightmare those ten minutes would have been for you two. But call the police essentially. He already is a rapist like others said here. If you don't do it, he might succeed with his next potential victim and that will be terrible. You nearly became his victims. Stop it from happening to others. And frankly, if your friend is considering some kind of "dynamics" before reporting, I would ditch her too if it comes o that. And still report. You don't need her permission and she must be under stress already so her judgments can't be trusted in this very serious matter.
Save others. He surely will do it again.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2015 14:35

Atomik and New

Pipbin · 30/12/2015 14:36

Please call the police.
This is one of those rare times when AIBU gives a unanimous response.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2015 14:36

New
You weren't a coward, you were a traumatised victim - two totally different things

MirandaGoshawk · 30/12/2015 14:47

As has been said upthread, even if you report him and nothing is done, and you don't want to take it further, if (God forbid) he does assault someone in the future, and he's questioned, and says it as consensual, then the fact that he has your report on his records will go in his victim's favour.

So report him please.

Doublebubblebubble · 30/12/2015 14:47

Op have you reported this to the police yet?? Please tell us that you have. He sounds INCREDIBLY dangerous now and there is evidence.

^^ this
This could go nasty and retaliatory very quickly.....he sounds deranged and could come back to attack, stalk or abuse either of you now or in the future

Please report him!!

Chitterchatter1 · 30/12/2015 15:07

I have just talked to my friend. She is scared to go to the police. She lives in a small town. She is scared he could come back. She will see him out at social events. I have asked her to read this thread. My dear friend was actually raped a few years ago and was severely traumatised. It was in Thailand and it was gruesome. She is incredibly upset, saying it has triggered awful thoughts and has begged me to let this lie. She is refusing to give me his sur name. I have asked her to read this thread.

OP posts:

WitchWay · 30/12/2015 15:11

your poor friend

she must report this

she will be protected - please try to convince her

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