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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what incorrect or useless advice gets repeatedly doled out here?

587 replies

ComposHatComesBack · 30/12/2015 06:40

Aside from the ubiquitous 'book a spa day and leave him to deal with the kids.' There are a few old chestnuts that get rolled out regularly despite them being useless or counterproductive.

Every time there's a thread on mislabeled goods, someone will come on to the thread, absolutely adamant that the shop have to sell at that mis-labelled price.

On debates about baby on board stickers, there will be people who will be adamant that they are recommended by or useful to the emergency services. As if a team of highly trained rescue team is going to think 'sod it, I can't see a garish daddy's little princess sticker, let's not bother checking in the back'.

Those are just mostly annoying, but I sometimes worry about poorly-informed blowhards merrily typing in bad advice without thinking of the consequences. The stock response to landlords dragging their feat over repairs: 'get a tradesperson in to do the work and then send the bill/get them to send the bill to the landlord'

  • Yeah because once you've explained that, no you don't actually own the house and you won't be actually paying them for the work or the materials, but instead will be forwarding the bill to a landlord who's shown no inclination to fix the problem so far, so in all likelihood they'll never see a penny, you'll have tradespeople fighting like rats in a sack to take on the job.

Even more daft and dangerous is the advice to 'withhold the rent and use the money to fix the problem' which puts some poor sod at risk of eviction.

And more than once, i've seen posters with mortgage arrears or negative equity being told to ' hand back the keys to the mortgage provider and walk away' as if thebank or building society are then going to think 'yeah fair dos' forget about the mortgage debt.'

I hope to God no one has taken this useless and at times dangerous advice at face value!

OP posts:
Sanchar · 30/12/2015 08:34

The tenancy ones make me scream at the screen too!

The LL cannot just walk into your house after 24h notice!!!!!

The amount of people allowing themselves to be walked over by letting agents and landlords out of fear of being evicted makes me sad and utterly enraged in equal proportions.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/12/2015 08:35

If your husband is an hour late home he must be having an affair

HackerFucker22 · 30/12/2015 08:38

Poster asks question about nursery (for example my son's has a dry policy and he wasn't dry just before he was due to start). I reckon you get 2 replies before someone says "change nursery" [or consider a childminder]. Yeah because people can really chop and change just like that.

I had my nursery lined up for a year. It was logistically the best nursery in terms or proximity to home and work. It is attached to school I want DC to go to and when I posted it was a few weeks before start date. So no I couldn't and didn't want to change my childcare options at the 11th hour.

HortonWho · 30/12/2015 08:41

Ooo, yes the magical nurseries where you can just rock up in the morning unannounced stating your emergency and they will charge you an hourly/daily rate. Ours had waiting lists and two month written notice, if we wanted to add/drop a day. Subject to availability.

Pipistrella · 30/12/2015 08:41

The one about sponging down your child with cool water if they have a fever

and I disagree with Geneva about comforting children to sleep for as long as they need. I think that's very good advice actually.

I wish the tenancy/access thing was as doable in real life as it is supposed to be. I was always terrified of being chucked out and so I always paid my agency fee every year, let the landlord come round whenever he liked, and put up with so much shit just for the joy of living in a damp flat...we had no choice though. Most people in our situation don't.

Thankfully we don't rent any more.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 30/12/2015 08:42

The 'just leave', 'just chuck him out', 'quit your job immediately' brigade get my goat as the advice is so unrealistic in most cases. Anything that requires a huge life change is not likely to be able to be actioned straight away, things have to be put in place first, finances might dictate it can't happen for months or years!! It's as though we all have a second home somewhere we can just move into on a whim once we've blown apart our less than perfect relationship.

MorrisZapp · 30/12/2015 08:48

Posters mostly just want to help though. There have been countless threads complaining about the advice given to skint people, yet rarely do we hear what the correct advice actually is.

BalloonSlayer · 30/12/2015 08:48

My fave is always (already mentioned in the OP) the advice to leave a man, who is a shite, lazy, neglectful and uncaring parent, with the children for the weekend in the fond certainty that he will have an epiphany and will slap himself on the forehead and grovel at her feet when she gets home saying "I never knew how much you do, Darling!" and become a changed man forever more, instead of her returning to a trashed house, pissed beds and hungry, dirty kids who are traumatised because he's told them she's left them, and he goes straight to the pub without talking to her leaving her to clear up, and now has the metaphorial stick of "At least I never walked out on my kids" to beat her with for ever more.

Aside from that it's when posters ask desperately what they can do to get their baby to sleep somewhere other than on them as they can't put them down and are going crazy. I try to reply with ideas like, a fleece blanket isn't cold when you put them in the moses basket like a sheet is, you could swaddle them, you could put a hot water bottle in the basket to warm it before you put the baby in etc. But 99% of the other responses are "get a sling." THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE'S ASKING!!! SHE'S ASKING HOW SHE CAN PUT THE BABY DOWN NOT HOW SHE CAN CARRY IT AROUND WITH HER FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Also a bit Hmm about some of the "red flag" advice. When I met DH he did a couple of things that I told him I wasn't happy with, he stopped doing them and we have been happily married for quite a few years. He's a wonderful husband. If I had had MN then I think I might have just binned him. And I expect I had quite a few red flags of my own flapping around too but, as we all know, I am perfect.

Pipistrella · 30/12/2015 08:50

Yes...I was told to move house once, a long time ago, on the back of some crappy tenancy/LL related issue and I got flamed for refusing to do so.

The fact was, my children were settled in school, I had no support apart from my parents who lived not far away, and we couldn't afford to rent anywhere else, because our flat was the cheapest I'd seen anywhere in town for many years, and there weren't many places that would accept us on housing benefit even if we could afford the rent. Which mostly we couldn't.

It was literally a case of accepting what was happening, or being homeless. Complaining would have had the same effect. We would have been homeless.

I guess in that situation there wasn't much anyone could advise me to do so it was probably a bit frustrating for people.

PunkrockerGirl · 30/12/2015 08:51

Counselling is the answer to everything.
No it isn't, it really really isn't.

hazeyjane · 30/12/2015 08:53

Advice to put Anything on a burn

'They all get there in the end....'

LineyReborn · 30/12/2015 08:53

BalloonSlayer I imagine if I posted about some of OH's foibles I'd be advised to have him exterminated.

Ledkr · 30/12/2015 08:54

My current pet hate.
Stand up to your abuser. Tell him you will not be putting up with his violence any more and will call the police!
If someone treated me that way Id need medical attention fri laughing so much, or they'd need it from me.
My personal favourite "knock the twat out"
Yes because violent bastards are terrified of their victims and the police aren't they, and their entrenched behsviour can be altered in a heartbeat.
No understanding whatsiever of the deep rooted psychological effects of abuse and the high risk a victim places thenselves in when they "stand up to their abuser"

Rant over. For now

GayByrne · 30/12/2015 08:54

The legal stuff winds me up the most. Along with 'leave the bastard' - as if it's ever so black or white...

Common law wife, statutory rape, victim choosing whether to press charges...sigh. I could go on (in my former life was a solicitor, now char lady to three tiny dictators I have managed to create myself).

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 08:55

My solicitor gave me a free half hour which actually turned into two and a half hours of free time which neither of us were expecting.

Good for them, but it doesn't meant that people should assume that every solicitor will do that. Most firms who offer a free half hour obviously do it as a marketing strategy, i.e. to pull you in to instructing them formally, and no solicitor with any sense will give conclusive advice within half an hour because it simply isn't possible without getting all the facts and seeing all the relevant documents.

hazeyjane · 30/12/2015 08:55

Oh and......chickenpox is only contagious before the spots come out

And.....people with suppressed immunity should stay out of public places if they want to avoid things like chicken pox

Takeparacetamolandstopmoaning · 30/12/2015 08:55

I find myself quite stressed by the "call the police inmeditately" brigade. I've seen a few posts where the OP is really in a poor state and gets nothing but "call the police immediately, it's a crime" for 3 pages then increasing frustration with them that they haven't done what they've been told, with no further advice. Not even a solitary hug :(

Also responding "it's a crime" to anything that might not techically be legal even when it's very very low
Level or a civil matter. It's a crime seems to be an answer in itself, not advice.
I don't think posters realise sometimes that anyone can do something illegal. All you have to is weigh up the risk of getting caught and possible punishment if you do. You may well decide it's still worth it.

People saying something is immoral without realising the point of morals are they're different for everyone.

I have a theory: compared to a lot of forums I've been on MN can be quite simplistic with advice. With the whole "call the police" "it's a crime" brigade I don't think they have anything else to say. A couple of key phrases and nothing else in the tank Xmas Shock

Perfectlypurple · 30/12/2015 08:56

I agree with the 101 rubbish that is always on here - I answer 101 and 999 calls. We are overwhelmed. With regard to domestic abuse situations - we want you to call, even if an offence hasn't been committed, we will record that as a non crime and do a risk assessment with you. Often when anofficer is doing the risk assessment other things will come to light. You will be referred to a domestic abuse service where you can get help and support.

Other stuff - like, my neighbour looked at me funny, i have fallen out with a friend/neighbour -what if they scratch my car etc. Logging it does not make it true, it is not evidence. If an offence happens it will be investigated. Of course there are exceptions. If kids are hanging outside your house every night, kicking the ball against your wall then that could be considered anti social behaviour and the local officers/pcsos can help.

The trouble is with giving 101 advice to get it 'logged' is that people will ignore he 101 advice as it is always trotted out. And on occasions where police are needed they may not be called.

LineyReborn · 30/12/2015 08:57

GayByrne, yes, I always cringe a bit when I see the 'press charges' phrase used.

Takeparacetamolandstopmoaning · 30/12/2015 08:59

Yy balloon slayer. I have asked a need of times how I can teach my baby to self settle & get in her own room and the only advice is to co-sleep. Well Dur, but that's obviously exactly what i don't want to do

Sanchar · 30/12/2015 08:59

That's what makes me so mad, pipistrella!

We live rurally so good rentals in our market town are few and far between. The things my friends have to put up with because they don't want to risk eviction and having to move to another town or the nearest city and uprooting settled kids is unbelievable!

The sooner we have secured tenancys the better.

So so soooooo glad we are own our home now. Now, don't get me started on the "I don't understand why the UK is obsessed with homeownership" people😤

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/12/2015 09:00

My solicitor gave me a free half hour which actually turned into two and a half hours of free time which neither of us were expecting.

The family lawyers I have worked with wouldn't do that under any circumstance so yes, you were lucky!

x2boys · 30/12/2015 09:00

mental health advice too can be schocking [i was an RMN For years]the idea that the crisis team can sort everything out and get somebody admitted to hospital if necessary this would be great if mental health services were not so dammned stretched at present i once saw a persone who was having a depressive episode of her mood disorder advised that she didnt need her mood stabilisers fortunatley a psychiatrist jumped in just before i did.

unlucky83 · 30/12/2015 09:02

I think some of it depends on your circumstances etc. To cut a long story short but I had a crap landlady (disorganised mainly but also lazy and a tiny bit mad) and we used to just deduct (or just threaten to for big jobs) the cost of repairs from the rent successfully for years...but if you were with an agency/a professional landlord with a proper contract in place etc I wouldn't recommend it...
And call logging with police - I had a long standing problem with a neighbour from hell and that was one of things I was told to do if he did certain things (and for others keep a personal log) -but the logs were sent to the community officer in charge of my case who was building up an harassment case -so a bit different I guess.
But the 'just consider yourself lucky' brigade -makes me want to scream, don't think it helps anyone and they shouldn't post...
I was once complaining about DP -he had done something stupid and a bit crazy to entertain himself and the DCs but had left 'us' (he told me he didn't know what to do about it) with a big problem to sort out - and someone posted 'just be grateful your DP wants to spend time with his DC, mine never spends time with his' ...so I should be grateful I have a massive headache because DP deigned to spend 10 mins playing with the DCs...right ok ....

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 09:04

You can't sue for negligence which has caused you injury unless you can show financial loss like loss of earnings. Yes you can, it is absolutely standard to claim for general damages, i.e. damages for pain, inconvenience etc.

And, on that tack, the general perception that it is somehow immoral to sue for negligence anyway - you always get someone spouting bollocks about "accidents happen, get over it". Yes, accidents do happen, but if some idiot causes me or mine serious injuries because they do something stupid then why the hell should I just suck it up? Apart from anything else, that's why they pay insurance premiums.