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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he is sneaky

185 replies

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 16:19

Long background but will give the facts. Ds father is only allowed through the courts to have indirect contact only with him. Once a month email contact. I have just seen that ds father has added ds into an Internet group without my knowledge or permission. I'm a bit miffed that ds hasn't mentioned it to me! As sometimes he comes and shows me emails. I found out by chance when using his iPad to look at something. I'm not amused that ds father has done this. As what other sneaky things is he doing to get round the indirect monthly contact! I teach ds about Internet safety and to only have his family and school friends as contacts to keep himself safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leafitout · 30/12/2015 19:36

The papers were lodged yesterday. I'm surprised at the speed of their arrival. He has put that he wants the hearing asap!! There was a disscusion of the 91 (14) with my solicitor if he were to ever bring proceedings again. He has applied for an amendment to the contact order. Can anyone elaborate on his timing?

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2015 19:59

I think the timing issue is twofold. There's nothing worse than getting official papers when all you can do is fret about it because offices are closed, and he knows that and is probably enjoying knowing that you have gotten them and have to sit until Monday. It also shortens the time you have to do a thorough job in getting the information/advice you need. The first thing that needs to be done (IMO) is to formally ask for more time to respond and a delay to the hearing until you've gotten adequate legal advice.

I don't know about the UK legal system so I don't know exactly how the family court works there. Is there a form or something you can send in right away saying you need to seek legal advice and want the proceedings halted or delayed until you've gotten it? A phone number to call even to leave a message? I know you've indicated that your solicitor's office is closed until next week, but are the courts also closed?

I know MN has a legal board. Perhaps you could post the details there and ask if there's any way to respond and ask for a delay right away, before you see your solicitor?

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 20:00

He probably knows your solicitor's office is closed until next week. He is fully aware the timing will cause you maximum distress until you can speak to a professional.

kickassangel · 30/12/2015 22:14

It's him saying "Merry Fucking Christmas and a Happy New Year" to you. Not only are you unable to contact your solicitor, but it shits right over the festive period.

Don't engage. Put it in a drawer, label it as "for my solicitor to worry about" and spend as little time as possible thinking about it.

If it has arrived in less than 24 hours, he's spent extra money to get it posted so quickly - just to really make sure that it fucks with your brain as much as possible.

QueryQuery · 30/12/2015 22:49

You could scan the papers and email them to your solicitor with an explanation of the position. It won't get dealt with before they open, but at least you might feel as if you're doing something. If you don't have a scanner there are (free) iPad apps.

Please also speak to the police. Even if they can't take action at least tell them your concerns given his history.

Underwood15 · 30/12/2015 23:02

Your DS can speak to him IF HE WANTS to. The court would not stop him having further indirect contact if that's what your DS wants. Your child is 12 and what he wants with regards to his father is important.

AyeAmarok · 30/12/2015 23:10

Can you see from the court papers when they were filed? I wonder if he'd planned them to be there on Xmas eve to ruin Christmas?

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 23:16

Underwood you are wrong.

Underwood15 · 30/12/2015 23:45

Family law practitioner so what do I know Grin Wink

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 23:48

Is there a form or something you can send in right away saying you need to seek legal advice and want the proceedings halted or delayed until you've gotten it?

There is no need for this unless there is an imminent hearing, which is highly unlikely. I agree with those who say this should be shelved till Monday.

And I agree that Underwood is entirely wrong in saying the courts will inevitably bow to the wishes of a 12 year old.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 23:50

There is a non mol order in place and a court order which is very precise in what contact is permissible.

You might be a family law practitioner but you can't read threads properly.

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 23:50

Family law practitioner so what do I know

Good question, frankly. The courts are well aware that 12 year olds can sometimes make unwise decisions, and can be manipulated into unwise decisions, and therefore their wishes will never be the overriding factor.

Underwood15 · 30/12/2015 23:58

If your DS were to tell cafcass in the next interview that he wants to talk to his father a little more albeit indirectly, the court will grant it. Very straight forward. Smile like it or lump it I'm afraid.

AnyFucker · 31/12/2015 00:03

That would require a change to the existing stipulations.

I think this guy should carry on being a complete arse. Makes it less likely the family court will change anything at all. Bring it on.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 31/12/2015 05:49

But the wishes and feelings of the child in light of their age and understanding is only one of the factors the court will take into account.

Hissy · 31/12/2015 07:39

Has he not breached the non mol by serving papers to your address OP? He's not supposed to contact you directly or indirectly but can contact via your solicitor.

In any event, don't worry about any of this, he's the one shooting himself in the foot. He's signed ds up for something as a ruse to get around the contact order, he sends more than the allowed and now this.

Nothing can happen until 4th, and actually I think he's the one that will be in for a nasty surprise, not you.

You got this. The court got this. They know what he is, which is why they have put such stringent orders in place.

Some courts do take the wishes of 12 yr olds into account, but only in their own best interests.

I would say in this case they might not, given the disregard shown by the ex toward the existing arrangements

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2015 08:19

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said but I too think you should call the police.
If they do nothing then at least you have once again made them aware that you are feeling incredibly threatened.

Oh and I don't know where you are but isn't Monday a Bank Holiday? Don't suppose solicitor will be there until Tuesday Sad

Stay strong OP Flowers

rumbleinthrjungle · 31/12/2015 10:44

I would think this was fairly obviously not a case of a child desiring more contact with his father than a father working hard to manipulate the child and breach the terms of the order in order to further manipulate, control and abuse the mother. Which he has has a significant track record on, hence an extremely limited contact order to protect the child.

Dipankrispaneven · 31/12/2015 11:29

I find it slightly odd that it is a term of the contact order that the child responds to his father's emails. He's not a party to the proceedings, so how can he be ordered to respond? And how can you be liable if he doesn't?

Dipankrispaneven · 31/12/2015 11:30

No, sadly Monday isn't a Bank Holiday.

Hissy · 31/12/2015 13:27

Not odd at all sadly Dipan kids are ordered to have contact with abusive parents.

I suppose it's to hold a door open to some kind of hope that everyone can redeem themselves if they want to.

Sadly abusers don't

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2015 14:10

No I realised earlier that Monday isn't a Bank Holiday. Don't know why I thought it was Confused

Dipankrispaneven · 31/12/2015 15:51

Hissy, how can the order be enforced? I take it no-one's going to punish a child for not responding, but equally it's hardly the resident parent's fault if he won't do it. Not doubting what you say at all, by the way, it just puzzles me that the courts seriously make potentially unenforceable orders like that.

Original poster
Leafitout · 31/12/2015 15:53

Your DS can speak to him IF HE WANTS to. The court would not stop him having further indirect contact if that's what your DS wants. Your child is 12 and what he wants with regards to his father is important.
Ds has not been munipulated or had words put into his mouth. Previous to the last hearing ds spoke with a cafcass officer and made his feelings clear that he did not want to see his father. It is court ordered that only indirect contact by email is to take place. In the court order it says that as the mother I am to make sure that ds responds with a reply within 14 days. The judge also took into consideration that at the time of the order ds father was on a suspended sentence and on probation for using violence with a weapon on his ex partner. This resulted with her being housed in a refuge for her protection from him.
This is not a person who is of sound mind or should have unsupervised access to ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leafitout · 31/12/2015 15:55

But yet he has filled papers saying I am abusing ds and should not have unsupervised access or contact with ds.

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