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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is sneaky

185 replies

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 16:19

Long background but will give the facts. Ds father is only allowed through the courts to have indirect contact only with him. Once a month email contact. I have just seen that ds father has added ds into an Internet group without my knowledge or permission. I'm a bit miffed that ds hasn't mentioned it to me! As sometimes he comes and shows me emails. I found out by chance when using his iPad to look at something. I'm not amused that ds father has done this. As what other sneaky things is he doing to get round the indirect monthly contact! I teach ds about Internet safety and to only have his family and school friends as contacts to keep himself safe.

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Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 16:19

I do not let ds post video of himself on any website. His father seems to want to go deliberately out of his way to enable ds to do this. Like he's getting some sort of kick out of it. It is also a social media site for professionals so very much doubt that it is geared towards children. He's so stupid and can't see further than his power trip. But it has the potential to harm ds!
This is a perfect example of getting his limited contact reduced as the judge was very clear on what he can and can't do.

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2015 16:25

This is a perfect example of getting his limited contact reduced as the judge was very clear on what he can and can't do

Exactly, Leafitout

I appreciate the school may restrict internet access, but what I'd worry about is your son asking friends to click onto whatever-it-is for him on their phones ... yet another reason, perhaps, to have this sorted out before he gets older and even more tech-savvy?

Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 16:42

I will have to look and see if the profile can be deleted. I have explained to ds that he is not to go onto this site. And that his father should not have added him to the group. Ds said that he isn't going to join the group and I said that's fine but I will now have to monitor any further emails from his father as he has broken the terms set out by the judge. And that I need to keep him safe on the Internet.

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Hissy · 29/12/2015 16:59

Is it LinkedIn?

Hissy · 29/12/2015 17:01

If I were you, I'd set your ds up with a new email his father won't have, and reroute the old email through your phone so that you see all comms and make sure they are appropriate. Only pass on those which are. Any email your ds wants to send he can do so from a pc logged into the webmail

AyeAmarok · 29/12/2015 17:07

OP, if it is LinkedIn then it may be that your ex didn't actually specifically request your DS join, LinkedIn just goes through your email contacts and randomly emails folk.

This may not be as big a deal as first thought.

Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 17:19

No it isn't LinkedIn at all. Added ds to any website is a big deal as he is not allowed to do so. It's just another form of his control and bullying he wants things his own way and that why should he not. Basically it's because he is dangerous and a judge says so and has court ordered indirect contact. Nothing else nothing more.

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Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 17:24

I apologise if I sound a bit off. I don't want to minimise his actions because behind it lays a very calculated, violent and munipulating person. If I was dealing with a normal person then it would be a different thing. He is not in any way shape or form of normal mind.

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AnyFucker · 29/12/2015 17:29

We understand, leaf

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2015 17:36

You don't sound remotely "off" Leafitout - you sound concerned, and rightly so

Personally I like Hissy's idea about the new email address which his father won't have; obviously it's not the whole solution, but anything which helps surely has to be good

Can I ask if your DS was okay about not accessing the site and you monitoring his net access? I know you said he agreed to it, but was he happy to go with your decision?

Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 17:36

Going to prevent access to that site as pp have said through my parental controls. I'm really fucking tempted to block any further emails from this dickhead. But I may be held in contempt of court as in the order I am always to provide an email address for ds to be contacted by his father. I'm so fucking angry right now that this prick is testing my patience! And putting ds in this situation of being in the middle. I don't want to entertain playing his stupid fucking immature games.

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AyeAmarok · 29/12/2015 17:43

You're not off, Leaf

I was just worried it may have been automated if LinkedIn, that's all. Smile

You're completely right.

AyeAmarok · 29/12/2015 17:46

Could you set up a rule on the email account that any email from the ex gets diverted into a folder (or deleted) and forwarded to you so you can see it first? Then you can see what it says and then decide what's safe /appropriate for DS to see?

CharleyDavidson · 29/12/2015 17:47

Block access for your son to this site - it's in his own best interests.

Defriend or delete the contact/group that your ex has set up. DS should know how he's allowed to be contacted and why and again, that it's in his own interests. He can be told that when he's older he will be allowed to arrange a different form of contact.

And yes, report your ex for pushing the boundaries of what he's allowed to do. Call the non emergency number now, or at least today, and get it logged. They will give you advice in the first instance or even go round and talk to him, especially if your address has a flag on it and they are aware of how dangerous he could be. If you don't, then he's getting the message that he can push things and absolutely nothing will happen. My friend had her ex trying to contact her against what the courts had put and the police went around and gave him a talking to. It didn't stop his attempts dead, but things did cool off.

Your DS needs time to grow and mature away from the influence of his dad and you are the only one that can take steps whenever you notice that he is trying to increase his influence.

Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 17:51

Ds was fine and accepted what I said. Surprisingly he didn't kick off so I must have caught him at a good time!! I really reiterated that I am the parent and that is how it goes.
That sounds like a good thing to do diverting and forwarding the emails. Will ask a computer savy friend to help me do so. He is such a pita!

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2015 18:02

Glad to hear about your son's acceptance, though I'm sure you'll keep an especially careful watch if something that wasn't "a good time" might have brought a different reaction. Also glad you've got a techie friend on board - that may well be very handy in future

When you've organised for the emails to go via your account, I'd avoid letting him find out what you've done if at all possible ... you absolutely don't want him to regard this as some kind of game and ramp up his efforts Hmm

Jux · 29/12/2015 19:06

I would do what Hissy says for now, at any rate.

Jux · 29/12/2015 19:13

X posted, sorry.

WaitingForSnow · 29/12/2015 19:17

I have my ds email account set up as a second account on my iPad, phone and passwords for the computer. Can you set up his as a second account on your phone so you see immediately?

Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 19:39

I wouldn't know how to go about this. I think that ds iPad was synced to my iPhone somehow he had all my contact phone numbers on his iPad. I really like the idea of rerouting his fathers emails to me. I'm wouldn't be doing it to be nosy or distrust my ds which I don't.
I get a gut feeling that the next thing will be his father saying for ds to meet up with him secretly behind my back. I would hate for ds to be Putin that position. I think ds father is jealous of our close relationship and will try these sly things to undermine it. But if ds didn't have me but just his father then ds would be well and truly up shit creek with this loser!

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WaitingForSnow · 29/12/2015 21:05

Ok on your iPhone, go into settings, accounts, add account and type in his details. It will come up as a second account in your emails. .(as a separate line, not mixed in with yours). Much much easier than re routing.

Also, if you do it without him knowing you can keep an eye on things without him going into his own settings and cancelling the reroute (which he would have to know about as you would have to forward emails.) plus if he hits reply and the reroute is still visible to your ex, your ex may set up another account to get around it.

Original poster
Leafitout · 30/12/2015 13:48

He is taking me to court for emotional abuse of ds!! He does not agree that ds should be left unsupervised with as he had concerns that I am harming him. I am really about to lose my fucking shit with this cunt!

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AyeAmarok · 30/12/2015 13:59

Have you just received a solicitor's letter? Or has he emailed you/DS?

Deep breaths. This WILL NOT HAPPEN. He's trying to frighten you.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 14:01

Who has told you this ? Him ?

Ignore the twat

Original poster
Leafitout · 30/12/2015 14:05

Just received the court papers in the post. Wtf is wrong in his head. I am shaking with rage

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