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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is sneaky

185 replies

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 16:19

Long background but will give the facts. Ds father is only allowed through the courts to have indirect contact only with him. Once a month email contact. I have just seen that ds father has added ds into an Internet group without my knowledge or permission. I'm a bit miffed that ds hasn't mentioned it to me! As sometimes he comes and shows me emails. I found out by chance when using his iPad to look at something. I'm not amused that ds father has done this. As what other sneaky things is he doing to get round the indirect monthly contact! I teach ds about Internet safety and to only have his family and school friends as contacts to keep himself safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leafitout · 28/12/2015 20:14

There is no benefit to your DS in having a relationship with this man - he has proved himself to be a harmful influence with no redeeming features, so don't give him an inch.
This ^
I don't want to sound like I am giving him an inch. I have to get over my fear of him and any consequences in reporting him. It's hard because he is hell bent and relentless in his anger towards me. It's been many many years since we split but he still behaves in this unhinged way.

OP posts:
QueryQuery · 28/12/2015 20:25

Flatonthehill, you're right, they just need to report. I was thinking that if the Ds is struggling with this (and he might if the father keeps pushing) then it might help to be able to talk it through with a third party. It's hard enough being a teen without having an abusive dick for a father as well. Counselling wouldn't be to help them to report, it would be in addition.

Original poster
Leafitout · 28/12/2015 20:27

Now that I have calmed down a bit. If the police do speak to him and ask why he set up this online group chat with his ds. Then surely his answer will be obvious that he did it for more contact than is allowed? Trying to get around what has been set out by the courts? Then by his answer it's out of my hands and not my fault that he got himself into trouble. As everything is always my fault/doing according to him. Then ds will be safe of him from him chancing it again?

OP posts:
IonaNE · 28/12/2015 20:32

OP, report him to the police now and also tell them that you are fearing for your safety. The police take DV seriously and they will pick him up for this. Also tell them that he has been going over his monthly email allowance.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 20:49

That is right, op

This is not your doing

he has breached the order. If you do not report, you could possibly be seen to be complicit.

Never mind what he thinks. His opinion of you is of no value. Your only resonsibility is to your son.

MissMoo22 · 28/12/2015 20:56

Leaf, that is exactly the thing with the people she has the restraining orders against, they only wanted access to the kid because they were seething that she dared tell them they couldn't. Then once the courts said ok they can see him once a fortnight they decided they couldn't be bothered after all. Tried the threats again after a few months once they decided they wanted control again but she went back to the same judge and they were told no visits at all now.

It's all about control with bullies. Don't give it to him, please.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 28/12/2015 21:22

Leaf, he'll probably have more excuses than Carter has pills, but the police are pretty canny and will see through it.

Just report and let them handle it.

Jux · 28/12/2015 22:27

Leaf, lovely, please report it.

kickassangel · 29/12/2015 04:29

The police won't give a shiny shit about why/how he's breaking the order. All that matters is that he's breaking the law and they will deal with that appropriately.

If he's also writing more than one email you really do need to go to the police. He is basically testing to see how much he can get away with until you try to stop him. He'll keep increasing contact until one day there'll be a phone call or he'll turn up at your door, all smiles. And by then it will seem stupid to call the police as he will have been emailing and online chatting for so long that it will seem rude/silly to get the police involved by that stage.

The first time he sent one email, one day early, was when you should have contacted the police. Not contacting them is, in his mind, encouraging him to take the next step and the next one.

If you're worried about his reaction then think 1. It will be a whole load worse in a couple of months when he takes the next step towards you. 2. You have a flag on your house for immediate response. 3. He isn't a superhuman who can get in no matter what. Shut the door and ignore him. 4. Do you have someone to go and stay with for a few days? Report then bugger off.

Even thinking about this is playing his game. He has ONE means of communication. Anything other than that and he can be put in prison for it. Tell the police every single time he steps out of line.

Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 11:54

I have called the solicitor that dealt with the court orders, but they are closed until the new year. I have looked into this group and it says that you can share jokes and secrets within the group and that the pages are visibly public to others!
I'm not sure that the police will see it as him breaching the indirect order as it may be a civil matter for the courts. I'm unable to remove ds from the group as his father is the person who has already added him to this circle.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/12/2015 12:15

Then I am afraid you have to remove ds's internet access until this is sorted

he is 12

you are in charge

Scarydinosaurs · 29/12/2015 12:35

It absolutely a breech of the order.

Make sure you screen shot everything and report straight to the police. You are 100% right that it is to circumvent the court order.

knobblyknee · 29/12/2015 12:37

The police won't see it as an breach of order probably.

Yes they will.

Report it straight away, he is trying to make you look like the unreasonable one. Its grooming.

AyeAmarok · 29/12/2015 13:14

Why can't you block access to the site using parental controls?

Hissy · 29/12/2015 13:27

Block the site using parent controls. Or remove wifi/internet access from your son until he's removed.

Can your son remove himself?

Hissy · 29/12/2015 13:28

Dickhead ex won't say anything... If he does he'll be advertising his breaking the order.

Call solicitor first thing Monday.

QueryQuery · 29/12/2015 14:31

And speak to the school when he goes back as I presume he'll have Internet access there? Obviously you can't lock down his friends' phones, but they may be able to block the site from school computers?

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 29/12/2015 14:38

Most forums have moderators and if you contact them and tell them that you are the custodial parent and that DS is only 12, I'll bet they'll remove him.

I know that there are ways to 'block' IPs on devices. Considering his only contact with DS is through the internet, it may be worth your while to either take a class or get information from your internet provider on internet security and how to block IPs and otherwise internally monitor his usage.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 29/12/2015 15:04

He's breaching the contact order. This doesn't have a power of arrest attached to it. There is nothing the Police can do.
What is the content of the monthly emails like OP? You need to have documentary evidence. Can you screen shot the forum pages and get them printed?

Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 15:10

Yes I'm thinking the same that he hasn't committed a criminal offence in regards to breach of the contact order. If he had on the non mol order then I would have to involve the police. I was thinking to email ds father from ds email saying that this is unacceptable and to please remove him from the site. If not I will not hesitate to inform the correct authority's. This will go down like a lead ballon but I'm not interested in his bullshit. Only for the safety of ds

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 29/12/2015 15:59

Please don't warn him or let him know you know. That will not only give him plenty of time to erase all the evidence and cover his tracks, you will also brighten his whole day that this is annoying and upsetting you and that you don't plan to do anything much about it. This is his first big try at pushing. Reward him like that and he'll know he can push a whole lot further.

You need to ring the police. It is up to them whether or not it's a civil matter, they will advise you on the right thing to do instead if they don't think it's something for them to deal with. You need to let the experts guide you on this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2015 16:04

Seems that this group lets users upload vidioes for people to comment on

I'll bet it does - and with a father like this it's not hard to imagine the sort of thing he might post for his son's "benefit" Hmm

It's surely not wise to contact him yourself about anything as he'd almost certainly see any request on your son's behalf as a power trip, but as he's already broken the order and is clearly so dangerous, would this be an opportunity to get the permitted contact with your son reduced to nothing?

I get what you say about creating issues between you and your son, but can't help feeling that ongoing contact with his father could be even worse

Original poster
Leafitout · 29/12/2015 16:07

Yes your right I didn't think of it like that. It's unfortunate that my solicitors office is closed until new year. I have forwarded the email sent to ds to my email account as evidence he has added him to the group. I want to block that site access. I think that Internet at school only allows certain sites. I don't know if ds can remove himself from it.

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 29/12/2015 16:11

No, don't contact him. Just message the moderators of the forum to have your son removed. Truthfully, there is probably some way you could go in under your son's log in and delete or lock it yourself.

Then speak to your solicitor about possibly putting some type of social media restrictions in place against him as far as listing or putting DS on websites/forums.

Hissy · 29/12/2015 16:13

Get on the computer, log in and have a look about. There must be a FAQ section? Or go in and change the password or delete the profile?

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