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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he is sneaky

185 replies

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 16:19

Long background but will give the facts. Ds father is only allowed through the courts to have indirect contact only with him. Once a month email contact. I have just seen that ds father has added ds into an Internet group without my knowledge or permission. I'm a bit miffed that ds hasn't mentioned it to me! As sometimes he comes and shows me emails. I found out by chance when using his iPad to look at something. I'm not amused that ds father has done this. As what other sneaky things is he doing to get round the indirect monthly contact! I teach ds about Internet safety and to only have his family and school friends as contacts to keep himself safe.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 18:26

Of course he knows exactly what he is doing

BagelSuffragette · 28/12/2015 18:28

I have absolutely no experience with this, but it occurred to me that maybe www.ceop.police.uk would help. They deal in child exploitation and online abuse specifically , but could prob give you advice about Internet safety etc in this kind of situation.

QueryQuery · 28/12/2015 18:31

As well as reporting it can you speak to the school? Perhaps they could assist with obtaining counselling if needed, as well as pushing the Internet safety message?

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 18:41

QueryQuery
Why would counselling be of use.
The OP and her ds have everything all sorted at home. The problem is the shitbag father has broken rules.
They dont need counselling they need someone to tell that bastard to back off.

Original poster

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 18:48

The court order for ds states indirect monthly contact only.The court order for the non molestation states he is to make no contact with me by any means or incite others to do so or to enter where we live or any means of harassment causing distress. This order has a power of arrest attached to it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 18:50

Then report him to the police. I am not sure how much clearer you need it to be.

Original poster

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 18:52

That's just it Anyfucker of course he knows what he is doing as he is very calculated. This is the frightening part. He has no regard for anyone. Seems that this group lets users upload vidioes for people to comment on and for people in these online communities to share interests with each other. I do not want this for ds, how dare he!

OP posts:

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 18:54

OP. I think you know what you have to do. Report him to the police.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 18:54

OP, are you frightened of his reaction if you report him ?

Howlongtillbedtime · 28/12/2015 19:01

Report him to the police and get hold of whatever your son uses to log in to this and log him out and block .

I get that this isn't fun but if his dad is such a prick that he has the access he has then it shouldnt be too much of a shock that he behaves so poorly .

Jux · 28/12/2015 19:04

Sadly, most children get onto facebook long before they're 13. In dd's class, most of them were facebooking in Y4. All you can do about that is remind them on the internet people can lie and not to believe anything unless they know the person in real life.

Report the ex. The appropriate authority will decide if it's a breach and what to do about it.mdo you have parental controls on ds' computer?

You do need to have a talk with ds about his dad and why it is important to keep them apart.

Hissy · 28/12/2015 19:11

Consult a solicitor or ss.

Get him removed from the forum - can you contact the forum via email yourself and explain the situation?

bittapitta · 28/12/2015 19:11

I don't understand your later replies OP - are you reporting this incident to the police/relevant authority? If not why not?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 28/12/2015 19:12

You need to talk to DS. I dont know the backstory but does DS know/understand what his father did, and why he is only allowed indirect monthly contact?

It is possible at that age that he is starting to make his own mind up, and draw his own conclusions about his father. Maybe your son wants more contact with his father? You need to tread carefully so you don't baxome the unreasonable one, preventing your son from contact, thus pushing your son towards greater contact.

Original poster

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 19:14

Yes I am frightened of his reaction if I report him. He just doesn't care about the law or that it applies to him in this instance. I know what I should do but have to also bear in mind his reaction and that it could put us in more danger. It's so fucking hard having to deal with this unhinged lunatic. I just want my ds to be safe of him. As for consoling he is part of the reason I'm in therapy for ptsd.

OP posts:

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 19:15

Itsallgoingtobefine
Thats what i was trying to say up post.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 19:18

That court order is pretty clear.

How about speaking to the police and seeing what can be done ?

I am sorry you are finding this so difficult to deal with. This man needs his power taking away from him.

Original poster

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 19:24

Ds is aware that his father can only have indirect contact because of his poor behaviour. I understand that ds possibly misses his dad. But that is not his fault or mine. The court has put these orders in place for a reason. Ds at one point refused to see his father because he was frightened of him on previous allowed contact visits. This was ordered against cafcass recommendation to a previous judge. It all came to a head when ds father locked him in a car and told him he was off to hang himself!! This man is not the full ticket

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 19:24

Jeez

WicksEnd · 28/12/2015 19:38

Until you report it to the police, you need to put parental controls in place via your hub.
Block the site he's been added to and ensure you have age appropriate Internet access.

Original poster

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 19:41

bittapitta I want to report this to the police/relevant authority. If not why?because at the moment I'm shitting myself that he has no regard for the court order so where does that leave us safety rise

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 28/12/2015 19:44

Look, this wretched man has broken the law and can be punished for it. He is not a supervillain, he is not all-powerful, he is just a shitty little bully. Report him to the police first thing tomorrow - and also report to anyone else who was involved in the original restraining orders such as SS and your lawyer.

And chat to your DS about the reasons why his father is kept at such a distance. Remind DS that his father is an inadequate, broken person who needs to stay away, because he is untrustworthy and dangerous. There is no benefit to your DS in having a relationship with this man - he has proved himself to be a harmful influence with no redeeming features, so don't give him an inch.

MissMoo22 · 28/12/2015 19:54

Leafitout, I think your ex KNOWS you are too scared to do anything about him so he has done this. Maybe next time he'll meet up with your son somewhere without you knowing, because.... why not? He knows you're too scared to do anything about it and this will only be the start of it if you let this slide.

My MIL has some very strict legal things in place against some people (sorry, need to be vague here) and has had threats of them burning her house down when she is in it if she tried to go any further legally to keep them away but after years of physical abuse by her ex, she knew these threats lead to them getting their own way and abusing even further so she reported every threat, every nice message trying to get her on side again and every attempt at contacting her child (in the street or through other relatives etc) and they were so shocked that she actually had the balls to defy them and go to the police every time that she has heard nothing from them in 4 years now except offers to reconcile as they are now afraid of going to jail if they break the court orders. MIL has a new sense of power that she never had before and she feels strong again.

Please report this. Tell whoever you report it to how scared you are of his reaction but please, don't let him manipulate you again.

rumbleinthrjungle · 28/12/2015 19:59

Things have to be extreme before a court will set an order for indirect contact only. The fact your ex has demonstrated he will not behave responsibly even within that very limited contact he is allowed with his child is something that needs reporting immediately.

Social Services would ask you what are you doing immediately to protect your son? And yes, you may have to be the bad guy in the short term, but at twelve he's old enough for you to explain the court order and the reasons and process with him any feelings he has about it. YOU have not limited contact. A judge has.

Take a deep breath You are not over reacting. You will have support from the authorities there to help and it's for them to tell you what happens next. He has decided to breach the order, and you may have questions to answer if you do not report this promptly. Which you don't deserve any more than you deserve to be in this bloody awful situation in the first place courtesy of this man.

Original poster

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 20:07

Your MIL is a brave and strong lady. The sad thing is that ds father isn't really interested in ds just that he has a vendetta against me for daring to break up with him. He is munipulating ds by doing this as he is teaching ds that never mind it's ok to go behind your mums back and do this. He is using ds to get at me which makes him a very sad individual. He can't get it into his head that he only has indirect contact. He goes over his email allowance as well because he just ignores the order.

OP posts:

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