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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is sneaky

185 replies

Leafitout · 28/12/2015 16:19

Long background but will give the facts. Ds father is only allowed through the courts to have indirect contact only with him. Once a month email contact. I have just seen that ds father has added ds into an Internet group without my knowledge or permission. I'm a bit miffed that ds hasn't mentioned it to me! As sometimes he comes and shows me emails. I found out by chance when using his iPad to look at something. I'm not amused that ds father has done this. As what other sneaky things is he doing to get round the indirect monthly contact! I teach ds about Internet safety and to only have his family and school friends as contacts to keep himself safe.

OP posts:
bittapitta · 28/12/2015 17:12

Minimum age for Facebook is 13 isn't it? So you or your DS lied to set up an account?

You really need to monitor his FB acct ruthlessly if you are letting him have it at this age regardless. You can go into privacy settings and make sure no one can add him to groups BTW.

FattySantaRobin · 28/12/2015 17:13

It absolutely is a breach. And the police will see if as such. You need to report him. And you need to explain to DS that if he can't be trusted to come to you and tell you about stuff like this then you need to see what he is doing at all times.

bittapitta · 28/12/2015 17:14

Oh sorry, I misread - not Facebook. But the advice still stands - monitor his usage and check all settings of apps, websites to make sure he can't be added to any groups.

Original poster
Leafitout · 28/12/2015 17:20

Bittapitta Ds father has already added ds to a group off his own back. Think that means that ds real name is out there for anyone to see and surely as a minor, this is wrong?

OP posts:
bittapitta · 28/12/2015 17:21

Yes I agree with you. Can you get your DS off the group? You should report this to whoever appropriate re the contact.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2015 17:24

Yes ex behaviour must have been very bad and abusive, possibly violent for a court to order in direct contact, I would be worried for ds safety around such a man. I would start putting up perental controls on the internet so that he cannot access forums, and he is to use the internet where you can see it, in a communal area in the home.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2015 17:25

Yes you do need to report it to the Police, because your ex is a dangerous man.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 17:27

Why don't you think the authorities will consider this a breach of his order ?

By coercing yes, coercing, the boy is a minor your boy into chat rooms he quite obviously wants to increase his influence and his control

I assume that is why his current contact order is so minimal

I urge you to speak to CafCass or whatever professionals are in charge of your case. Do it 1st thing tomorrow.

And actually, it is clear you do have to monitor your son's internet usage. You sound like a frightened rabbit in the headlights but you have to take action here

Your exP is no longer in charge. You call the shots. Yes, you (with the help of the professionals).

Original poster
Leafitout · 28/12/2015 17:32

Yes he is abusive, violent and dangerous and has used knives in the past. I am worried about both of us hence why the indirect contact and the non molestation 2 year order against him. To not come near me either. The sig flag from the police at our home affords us instant protection. But this latest stunt makes me feel uneasy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 17:34

Uneasy ?

That is a massive under reaction.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 28/12/2015 17:35

Okay - so it's using devices off the wifi at home? Does your router have the fapability to block addresses or IP address?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2015 17:39

Just tell someone. Someone official. Make this breach someone's problem.

On how to protect your son without 'punishing' him. I like the idea of children being aware of how parents make decisions. Instead of telling him he can't have something as a consequence, have a chat about parenting. Say that you are concerned that you may have made a premature decision about internet use. That parents sometimes have to work out this stuff and that, for now, you've decided that internet is only to be accessed with you in the room. It's not about him, it's about you being a responsible parent. If he's sad, empathise. Reiterate that some things have to be for older kids; you wouldn't let him drive after all. Maybe give him a way to 'earn' access back (internet safety course or something).

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/12/2015 17:42

And you are focusing on completely the wrong thing. You seem to be more worried about your DS name being "out there" and his general internet safety (which is of course important too) - but the part you should really be most worried about is his father stealthily and illegally increasing contact and as AF says coercing DS. You must address this.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/12/2015 17:44

MrsTerry very good advice.

Original poster
Leafitout · 28/12/2015 17:50

But then it makes mine and ds relationship difficult. We are close as its only me and him at home. I fucking hate that his idiot father does these things without thinking it through properly. All the shit and fall out is left on my plate while he's probably sitting there grinning like the fucking loser that he is. The police minimise his behaviour and just say call 999 if he comes because you have a flag on your address. It wil take ages to sort a solicitor out and that will mean having to face him in court again where he is abusive to me in court. I can't stand to go through that again.
He's sneaky and unpredictable.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/12/2015 17:50

If his father is a sexual predator then I can absolutely understand why you don't want your son's name out there or for him to be in contact with any of his father's friends. In any case, you should absolutely report this. If he is only allowed once-monthly email contact he is clearly deemed to be a massive risk to your family. If your son is going into a chatroom, encouraged and abetted by his father, then the terms of the contact have been broken.

I think you should report it today.

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 17:58

Imperial
OP has never mentioned him being a sexual predator.

AmberFool · 28/12/2015 17:58

I remember your previous posts about your DS's dad trying to push boundaries re: contact, OP. Absolutely report him. At the very least get advice. Don't deal this by yourself. Flowers

suchafuss · 28/12/2015 18:02

Those people saying that monthly contact means the DF must have been a monster are naïve. There are plenty of women who lie to the courts in order to punish their ExH (OP not saying this is the case for you!)

AmberFool · 28/12/2015 18:06

suchafuss if it is not pertinent to the OP's case, why mention it? Hmm

NanaNina · 28/12/2015 18:12

I know people are urging you to report him - but who to. Presumably the contact was by Order of the Family Court and didn't specify no internet contact? In an event if you want to go back before the court you won't get legal aid and would have to represent yourself, but there are books available now to help people to do this (known as litigants in person)

The police aren't going to be interested unless he commits a crime.

Sorry I can see this is a potentially dangerous situation and think all you can do is try to get a hearing in the family court.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 18:13

suchafuss why don't you fuck right off ?

Original poster
Leafitout · 28/12/2015 18:18

He isn't a sexual predator. But who knows if others in these chat rooms aren't? Monthly contact was put into place to protect ds from his fathers appalling abusive behaviour. I disagree with women who lie in court against their ex partners but believe when I say that this man is a bully who has had me scared of my own shadow at times. My ds needs protecting from him. It's clear to me he is not thinking of ds safety but just wants to still be an irresponsible idiot. Trying to coerce his son into a chat room online when he knows he is only allowed court ordered monthly contact is not on. He is simply trying to get around it and therefore this makes him a valid threat. The police should listen and take this seriously I hope.

OP posts:
greenfolder · 28/12/2015 18:21

Start by reporting it to the police. In person at a police station if possible. My dfreiend has an indefinite non contact order against her ex dp that applies to all the children. Have similar flag against her address. She was told to report any breach at all directly to the police as a cp issue. Her support group strongly suggested that doing that in person was the most effective way of doing it. Screen shot evidence.

kickassangel · 28/12/2015 18:23

What does the court order say? IF the ONLY contact that he is allowed is the once a month email, then he has broken that contact order, which is an illegal act.

I don't think this was him not thinking. I think DS's Dad knew exactly what he was doing, and very carefully thought about what he could get away with and then try to claim innocence/you being too strict/any other shitty excuse he could come up with to avoid being prosecuted.

this isn't just a contact order that allows him contact is it? This is a restraining order. Breaking one of those counts as aggravated harassment, and is quite a serious crime. Don't minimize it.