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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
BlueBlueBelles · 26/12/2015 19:58

I can see both sides. My sons get a present from their step mums parents - but one present, compared to their half sisters many. They realise they're lucky to get extra bits from additional adults. They also received a lovely present from my partners mother and father, but they do see a lot of them, and did still get less than their (basically) step brother (rightly imo)

My mum didn't get my partners child anything. And that's ok. He wasn't with us Christmas Day (im sure if he was he would have got a token box of chocolates or similar) and tbh my mum has met him briefly twice. In 2.5 years. We have him every other weekend, and tbh I see most of my mum monday-friday with my children. It's not intentional, just weekends are family time just us if that makes sense?

So I can see it was a nice thing for your mum to do. Maybe colouring was a bit young for a 10 year old, but tbh with extended families etc it's nice she got something to open. I don't think she needs to be treated exactly the same by your parents - as long as you and your DP clearly treat all four children equally?

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 19:59

Kingfisher But like I said my mum isn't important to her in the grand scheme of things. There are plenty of people in the family do make her feel wanted and would maintain her confidence more than just with presents.
Usually my mum is here at Christmas when dp's dd isn't here as we normally see her after Christmas because we are busy with nearby family. This year it didn't work out like that, and when I mentioned to her that she would be here she said she will make sure she gets her something to open.

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 26/12/2015 20:00

Making sure presents were opened when the children were not all together.

I'd do this in future tbh.

Your DSD will be getting lots of presents from other of her family members that other DC won't be.

mathanxiety · 26/12/2015 20:01

Your mum's demonstration of affection to her own half siblings is clearly a matter of great importance to her, OP. She was not treated the same but as an afterthought.

maxxytoe · 26/12/2015 20:03

As a step child, I don't think your DM did anything wrong
She needs to learn that things aren't 100% equal in a blended family

If I'd have gone in a strop like SDD did Id have got a proper hiding !

Specialsnowflake1 · 26/12/2015 20:11

My parents do the same my DD gets lots of presents as she is their grandchild my DP's children get pjs sweets and £20 voucher for a toy shop.my sister buys them a small gift between them and my brother doesn't (his choice). They have their own sets of grandparents plus other family to spoil them. I wouldn't expect my DD's SM family to go over board with her.

MrsDeVere · 26/12/2015 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WoodHeaven · 26/12/2015 20:11

Maybe the issue is that she is trested very equally by the rest oof your family but not by yoour mum.
So she goes and sees your DF and she is treated the same. But she sees your DM and she is treated differently???

Specialsnowflake1 · 26/12/2015 20:14

Oh also my dd doesn't open the gifts from my family in front of my partners children as I think that would beyond cruel. My DD doesn't get the same as his dc from his parents.

Sweetsweetjane · 26/12/2015 20:15

What a meanie. Kids the age of your three don't need that much stuff with £30 cash each. She could have definitely handed the cash over discreetly and you should ask her to that for next year.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 20:15

WoodHeaven Basically yes.

My mum's SIL is even worse. She says dsd is nothing to her and that she's an irritating child. I always always make sure she isn't here when she and my uncle come here. At least my mum actually likes her.

OP posts:
SeoulSista · 26/12/2015 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2015 20:29

But you didn't treat her the same, LookingForward - you happily sat and let her watch her half siblings open far more and better presents than your mum gave her, in front of her.

Regardless of whether you think your mum was being fair, kind and reasonable to do what she did, you were not fair to rub your dsd's nose in it by letting it happen in front of her.

You, your dp and your mum have, between you, upset a 10-year-old, and think that the child is at fault.

You could have had them all open a couple of similar gifts each, and then your dc could have opened the rest later, when your dsd was back at her mum's. That would have been the kind, thoughtful thing to do.

merrymouse · 26/12/2015 20:31

I don't think it's at all odd or sad to not see your stepmother's parents very often if your stepmother only sees her parents a few times a year and custody is shared between your parents so that these visits tend to take place when you are spending time with your mother or father.

On the other hand in that situation it would be more tactful to engineer things so that the step grandparents give presents to their grandchildren when their step grandchildren aren't present.

LittleBeautyBelle · 26/12/2015 20:33

She is only ten years old, to not treat her equally with your other three children is very sad. It's not her fault she is living in divided homes and that her parents divorced. The fact she may get gifts in the other household does not justify not treating her equally in yours. She was "ungrateful"? No, I bet she was hurt.

Your mom didn't think this through, I think, and I'm surprised you and dp agree with your mother that this little girl "got enough and shouldn't expect to be treated the same." How do you think a ten year old is supposed to feel when she sees the other three getting a lot more than she? What does that say about the people giving the presents? Your mom surely knows enough about her seeing that you've been with her father long enough to have three children together. She is as much a part of your family as your other three, in my opinion. But you're not treating her that way.

Total acceptance and love means equal footing in the family and nothing less than that. I guarantee this little girl is hurt inside. If I were you I would never allow this mistake to happen again, and I'd go to her at the first opportunity and assure her of your love.

At my mother's house at Christmas, she has a lot of people over, including her grandchildren, one of which is my ds. Two of the children are the grandchildren of my sister's dp, from his first marriage. My mother considers them the same as the other grandchildren and gives them the same in quality and quantity in the gifts and attention. Anything less and the children will rightly perceive an imbalance in love towards them. That is my opinion.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 20:35

Ok maybe we were wrong to let it all happen the way it did.
But I still don't think my mum is at fault because of the amount she bought for her. I still think she bought her enough given the relationship between them. But I admit it could have been handled differently in order to save dsd's feelings.
I still think DP is right about what he said though. Maybe she is just a bit too young to handle it yet though.

OP posts:
TTTatty · 26/12/2015 20:40

All of you that are saying the dsd should be treated exactly the same can you not see that if the gp gave the same to all the children the dsd would end up with MORE than the non sdc?
What do you say to the dc when they realise that the older girl goes off and gets other presents?

TaliZorah · 26/12/2015 20:41

tatty so? It's about being treated equally in the same house not a number of presents

TTTatty · 26/12/2015 20:45

No I don't think it is. It is about being treated fairly overall.

TaliZorah · 26/12/2015 20:47

But it's not like families say "all kids are getting 15 presents each". It's different for each child, different things cost different amounts etc.

But to buy an identical present for 3 kids and leave the eldest one out is a bit unfair. The more I think about it the more id be upset if this happened to my son.

merrymouse · 26/12/2015 20:49

I agree OP that your mum doesn't have an obligation to treat a step grand daughter who she rarely sees in the same way as her own grand children - family relationships are not all equal.

On the other hand I don't think your SD has done anything wrong. most 10 year olds would be upset in that situation. It would even be a bit awkward for an adult.

TTTatty · 26/12/2015 20:53

I feel, at 10, this girl should be able to understand that the dsg present is a lucky 'extra' for her as she already has two sets of grandparents buying for her. Things are not always fair at the precise moment but are when looking at the bigger picture.

TaliZorah · 26/12/2015 20:54

But it's not about the number of presents, do you make sure your kids get exactly the same number? Hmm

SeoulSista · 26/12/2015 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CFSsucks · 26/12/2015 20:54

I have had more than 1 step parent. The last one had a child then had another with my parent, I never got a present from her parents or family and wouldn't have expected it. Why would you, they weren't my family.

I don't see why step children should get the same, they have different family that the OPs children (and others in same situation) doesn't have therefore get more presents from them.

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