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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
RidersOnTheStorm · 12/01/2016 06:28

She wasn't making a point. It wasn't something she sat down and thought about then decided to deliberately make some kind of point.

She bought presents for her DGCs. Then she realised that her DD's husband's DD, who she hardly knows, would also be there so bought her a present as well. A nice gesture.

You are attributing some kind of malice where none exists. SDD's family did not buy presents for the unrelated DCs. Why on earth do you feel that this should be any different for the poor DGM who you are slagging off for absolutely no reason?

mathanxiety · 12/01/2016 07:03

She did think about it. She decided it would be a good idea to get DSD 'something to open', given that she had no intention of getting her anything comparable to what her half siblings were getting (because they are her grandchildren) and she based her decision on:
-- The DSD is not her grandchild
-- She does not 'know' this child (with whom she nevertheless apparently gets along well whenever they meet and whom she likes..)

So she got her one step up from nothing at all, a gesture that acknowledged her presence that day but nothing more. Malice is not what I am suggesting here. Just unbelievable coldness, and rudeness.

There is no earthly reason for the DSD's mother or maternal family to buy anyone in the OP's home anything -- they were not there on Christmas Day and they are no relation whatsoever to the half siblings, who are the children of the OP and the mother's ex.
(It might not be too odd for them to have sent a gift to the DSD's father, but that might not be expected or welcomed.)

The DSD is not an 'unrelated' child.
Her father is a son in law (or he would be if OP and he were married.) Her half siblings are also the children of the same father, and they were all there that day.
When the DSD is in that house with her father it is her home. She is not a guest there. She is there for her father to conduct his relationship with her of parent/ father, and for her to conduct her relationship of child and also half sibling. This is really important and something the MIL completely overlooked. She treated the DSD as if she did not really belong there.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/01/2016 07:11

What a very sad warped view, I would struggle to go about my days having such negative considerations about a small kindness.

RidersOnTheStorm · 12/01/2016 07:32

So true, Needs

bodenbiscuit · 12/01/2016 08:27

I agree with math - guess I must be 'warped' Hmm

I don't think the OP was ever going to change her view from the outset though and has probably left the thread...

Headofthehive55 · 12/01/2016 08:28

By your logic math the Siblings are related to the DSD mother. They are the half siblings of her daughter. (They share a genetic link with her daughter) whereas the DSD is the half sibling of the ops mums grandchildren. The ops mum grandchildren share a genetic link.

bodenbiscuit · 12/01/2016 08:36

'She bought presents for her DGCs. Then she realised that her DD's husband's DD, who she hardly knows, would also be there so bought her a present as well. A nice gesture.'

Yes, it would be a nice gesture if it were a friend of the family. This DSD has been part of the family for years and is the half sister of the other children who were treated differently.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 12/01/2016 08:37

No boden I'm still here :)

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/01/2016 08:37

Are people really still arguing about this?
Bloody hell

Stickerrocks · 12/01/2016 08:56

Hello soap. I can't believe that two weeks later math is still bleating on about a perceived injustice to a child she has never met based on a simple question on MN. Meanwhile the rest of the world has moved on and gone back to work or school. Have you booked the counselling for DSD yet soap? I'm thinking of starting a crowd funding page for contributions.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 12/01/2016 09:08

Hi Sticker. Even dsd has moved on, gone back to school, etc etc...
As I said up thread, I think people are projecting a bit because they probably want their children's stepmum's family and friends to bend over backwards for them and their child.

As for the therapy, haha. Because someone was nice to her?!

Headofthehive55 · 12/01/2016 09:13

Interesting math I gave just read your post regarding living far away.

We don't feel the same here, it's the seeing people, spending time with them that makes them part of our lives here.

i wouldn't buy a present for someone I didn't know.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 12/01/2016 11:02

Neither would I. Token present at most.

And I agree, that in order to really be part of someone's life and for you to have any real meaningful relationship with that person, you actually need to see that person. When that person is a relative's stepchild and not the relative's own child, I think that further adds to the distance between the two people and the lack of relationship. If my cousins who I don't had stepchildren do you really think I would go out of my way to try and create a relationship between me and them? Answer is no!
That's not nastiness imo. You can't expect people to fake it either.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 12/01/2016 11:03

*If my cousins who I don't really see

wiltingfast · 13/01/2016 17:40

Can you not see that you are creating a dynamic of "separateness" and "difference" rather than one of being a "family" together?

I suppose it depends on what you are trying to achieve overall within your blended family unit and what kind of relationship you want the various siblings etc to have.

Depends on your relationship with your mother too. I would certainly feel free with my mother to talk to her and say I would prefer the children received similar presents.

It seems to me every justification being put forward for what was really an avoidable and unnecessary situation.

And why did your mother feel it was important to give yours more (and quite a lot more tbh)? She is able to show kindness to the other stepchildren in the extended family, why not this one? And yes I did see that their extended family is not involved with them AND she apparently knows them better. These are rather thin grounds when you are dealing with a child, and a dsd of your own dd, rather than another adult.

We're talking about quite close direct relationships here, not cousins or god parents. A granny figure is v senior nb figure walking into any house.

This girl is your dsd. However you rationalize it now, you must have found the situation uncomfortable or you wouldn't have posted here?

mathanxiety · 14/01/2016 05:05

NeedaSock -- Highly visible 'small kindness' is the problem here.

OP, this is the child of your own DP you are talking about here, and she is your DSD. Your mother should have upped her game even based on respect for the pair of you and the fact that you have a role in bringing up this girl. It is not like the step child of cousins and your mother's relationship to them.

The child is expected to fake it but you can't ask an adult to do that?
Hmm

Stickerrocks:
In the first place, the OP asked for opinions here, and I for one am happy to oblige.
Secondly, it appears that you haven't moved on much yourself. Got no work or school to go to?

mathanxiety · 14/01/2016 05:08

By your extraordinary reasoning where seeing people regularly makes them part of your life, your mum would be dead to you if you were all to move to Oz.

Headofthehive55 · 14/01/2016 06:25

Yes math we have someone in our family who has moved to Oz. We are no longer close or have much to do with her. Her sister -regular contact with us and close.
Happy for her, she's made her life, but I wouldn't say she's part of our family anymore. We are not planning on going to her forthcoming wedding.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 14/01/2016 06:43

And why did your mother feel it was important to give yours more (and quite a lot more tbh)? She is able to show kindness to the other stepchildren in the extended family, why not this one?
As you have noted, I've said the reasons why and I think they are perfectly acceptable reasons. DBrother's stepchildren are resident with him and SIL which makes all the difference in the relationship between the children and my mum.

This girl is your dsd. However you rationalize it now, you must have found the situation uncomfortable or you wouldn't have posted here?
Initially yes it did feel a bit awkward. But now I have discussed it on here I don't think any of us did anything wrong.

The child is expected to fake it but you can't ask an adult to do that?
Math, the only thing dsd is expected to do is to be grateful for someone being nice to her. When someone is nice to her it doesn't always mean that person gives her exactly the same as her siblings. If she ever receives presents in the future from anyone and doesn't really like them, of course she's expected to fake it. She's nearly 11, not 2. It's basic manners.

charlestonchaplin · 14/01/2016 07:18

mathanxiety I never liked exMIL but I got her a decent Christmas gift every year and one for her birthday too.

A great example of how a person can outwardly seem to be doing the 'right' things but neglect the less visible things that really matter.

SoapandGloryisDivine · 14/01/2016 08:08

charleston I wouldn't have- I would saved my money! Smile

SoapandGloryisDivine · 14/01/2016 08:09

I would have saved my money.

Stickerrocks · 14/01/2016 17:34

Always good to see if debates are stuck in a rut or have moved on with new insights.

Headofthehive55 · 14/01/2016 17:41

wilted I certainly don't think it's polite to take your mother aside to have a quiet word....
You are demanding a present to be given to your standards. A present should be gratefully received - I don't think it is helpful to teach children they should all have the same!

The giver can give what they like, spend what they want, and should not be criticised for apparent failings in gift wrappings, amounts, or bizzare ideas.

mathanxiety · 14/01/2016 22:48

Better than neglecting both though, wouldn't you say, Charlestonchaplain? I see no reason to project animosity towards another person, or even to hint that, even if you don't particularly like her. What would that achieve?

Headofthehive, that is truly extraordinary and imo really quite cold.

the only thing dsd is expected to do is to be grateful for someone being nice to her.
But a gift designed to be 'something to open' is not 'being nice'. It is one step up from 'nothing to open'.

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