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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
usernamesandgingerbreads · 26/12/2015 18:08

Well if it was me i would have give them all the same, especially as you have been together at least six years. Giving the none birth child less when they are opening them together will make a child feel like crap.

Kacie123 · 26/12/2015 18:09

If this is for real then yes of course she and you WBU. Why purposefully create a divisive atmosphere like that?

IonaNE · 26/12/2015 18:11

I think it's the situation of opening the presents that should have been avoided. The OP's mum could have let the OP know beforehand, then the OP's partner could have got a bigger present for the OP's SDD and she would have had the equal amount while the OP's mum would not have had to buy for her.

This said, actually, I agree with the poster who asked how can the OP's mum not know her well enough if they have been together for at least 6 years; and frankly, if I was the OP's mum, I would not have been able to not buy something else for the oldest child, too...

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 18:12

My mum doesn't know her very well because we don't see her very often. And it just so happens that when we have seen her that dp's dd isn't with us. So consequently no relationship has formed between them.
I have also been to stay with my mum a few times with my children whilst dp and his dd stayed at home.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/12/2015 18:13

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together.

Well you don't think of her as part of your family given you say you have 3 children.

Does she usually live with her mother?

BooOzMoo · 26/12/2015 18:14

I remember being little and my second cousins were the same age as me. My auntie was their GM. I used to spend lots of time with my aunt as she was alone.
When Her GC came ( every 3 months) she would take us all out. Then buy them things but leave me out ... Made me feel like absolute shit!!! I remember it so well!!! I feel for your SD!!!!

peppielillyan · 26/12/2015 18:16

It doesnt hurt if the mother had asked in advance about the girl's likes and dislikes, or get her a nice book, fancy top, etc to make her feel valued as a person

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 18:17

Lass I do have three children. Dp has four. How is that me not seeing her as part of the family. All I was doing was explaining our family.

She usually lives with her mum yes. She is here EOW and once during the week.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2015 18:18

Doesn't sound like she's included in things much. if I was her mum id be annoyed that even when she was staying with her dad that I still had to finance and compensate for everything.

it wouldn't have hurt to find out what she likes si at least the token gift cab he something shed really appreciate

Sunbeam1112 · 26/12/2015 18:21

Me and DH have a DD who's 2 year old and i have a DS from previous relationship. We spend equal at home but my MIL and SIL gets him quite abit for Christmas they do spent extra on DD she has two sets of grandparents and uncles and aunties. Whilst my DS goes to his dads (who's parents are split up and remarried) get aload of his dad DW his SD DM , DF DFW then of course his aunties GG not to mention ex DW family. I worked out DS has 14 different people who buy his presents in comparison to DD who has 7 people. Who gets the double the amount quite literally. So the older child won't be without. I've heard SGP not get SC gifts at all on mn atleast it was a token gift. Its awkward one as really they aren't obliged to get gifts but its nice when they do. Take it as it is.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 18:21

Giles I'm confused. Why does her mum still have to finance and compensate for everything when with us? Confused
We have bought her a lot and she is very happy with what she got from us. She got just as much as what her siblings got.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 26/12/2015 18:24

I thought you had seven between you Confused - your own three, his own one & the three you have together Hmm

as for colouring being too young for a 10yo, I bought my DM & DMIL colouring stuff "from Santa" this year Xmas Grin

Children like things to be seen to be fair, which your DSD clearly didn't Sad

TheCuttingRdge · 26/12/2015 18:25

So you've been with your partner 7 years and your own Mother hardly knows the poor child.

That's just weird. Colouring for a 10 year old is ridiculous. Why don't suggest Duplo next time. It's such an obvious 'don't give a shit' type present.

SIL is with a man for about 6 months who has 2 children, we've met them twice and still get them better presents than that!

squicketysquack · 26/12/2015 18:25

I'm a SM, but no kids of my own. In 6 years my mum has met DSC exactly three times. We live 150 miles away from my mum, OH is NRP, DSC lives even further away in the other direction. So not that unusual, not sure why anyone thinks it is!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/12/2015 18:26

giles were did you get that one from?

I read the op's post and thought bloody hell how considerate so she regularly removes her self and her children from her own house so dad and his Dd can have quality time together without other kids about.

VaticanAssassin · 26/12/2015 18:26

YANBU Op.

If everything has to be equal between children and stepchildren where family is concerned, how do people actually do that?
If you consciously do that, it's never actually 'equal'.

I have DsS, and 3 DCs. At Christmas, my 3DCs have presents from us, DGPs, and elderly DGPs.

DsS has his DM, Stepdad, 2 aunts, 1 uncle, GPs, Step GP's, and adult cousins. Plus me and DH obviously, and my family too (DH doesn't have family sadly).

It is never, ever equal in that respect- so yes- we spend slightly more on DCs here, as do their GPs.

If we went down the line to insist everything was totally Equal between all the 4 DCs, should we just take our 3DCs on holiday next year, because DsS always has has one with his Mum and Sdad?
Why should he have 2 holidays, if our DCs here 'only' get one? That would be equal after all Hmm

Your DM WNBU at all, OP

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 18:27

Well we got her some colouring things and she likes them. Felt tips/gel pens/paper/pencil case. You can't speak for all 10 year olds.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2015 18:27

apologies if that's the case then just the way it was written it sounded as if you didn't see her very often and she wasn't seen as much as part of the family the way you talk about her.

I still think that perhaps more of an effort could have been made to find out what she likes so she could still have gotten her a "token present" but something more tailored to her.

it does seem sad she doesn't see her much. half if my family weren't related to eachother at one point but we all still concerned eachother family and Rhyd be no staying home with someone even of we didn't want to go

bimandbam · 26/12/2015 18:28

Yanbu.

My dd is 11 and my ds is 2. Dd is from a previous relationship. Dds granny sends presents/cards down for dd. Not for ds which is absolutely as it should be.

Dps father is very good though and treats both dcs exactly the same by ignoring bdays and Christmas. Unless he is skint in which case he will call in with a poundshop gift and want to borrow £20. And have a lift home.

Your dsd is.old.enough the understand the complexity of a step family and how she benefits from the extra mum/dad presents.

catkind · 26/12/2015 18:28

It doesn't seem right that children of separated parents should expect twice as many presents as children of second marriages, which would be the logical consequence if they all have to get the same. On the other hand, where it has happened in my family that has been what's happened.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 18:29

Exactly Vatican. It's never going to be equal.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/12/2015 18:29

The kid likes colouring things

chanie44 · 26/12/2015 18:30

I don't think that the DGM has done anything wrong, but if DSD is sensitive it may be best not to give the presents in front of her.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 18:33

Giles I suppose it is sad, but it's just how it is. If my mum lived closer and/or dad was a resident child then she would probably know her better.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 26/12/2015 18:33

shitty thing to do.

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