AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

[LookingForwardto2016]

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

PS I thought colouring is in these days? Know several friends' teenagers enjoying it.

My gran loves colouring. She finds it therapeutic!

I agree with Vatican its never going to be in equal when family's are split as stated my DS gets far more than the average child due the situation. I couldn't fiancally match that for DD so it was equal all round in terms of presents DS receives its never going to be excately the same. You need to explain this to your DSD.

Lass I do have three children. Dp has four. How is that me not seeing her as part of the family. All I was doing was explaining our family

Because often on these types of threads the step-child is not singled out as "my" or "his" (reference e.g a long thread supporting David Tennant for bollocking a journalist who referred to Tennant's "children and his step-child" as opposed to "children")

Like another poster I inititially thought you meant 7 when what you mean, I think, is "we have 4 children, 3 of our own and 1 from my husband's former relationship"

Having said that I don't actually think your mother was being unreasonable, although it does depend on whether in the overall reckoning that your step daughter is getting presents from her biological paternal and maternal grandparents.

I don't think there is anything wrong with what she did.
It was nice of your mum to get her a gift.

So,e of the children are her grandchildren one is not. The step child will have other relatives that are not related in any way to the other children,it is a fact of life.

And I also don't think having a step child in the household is a reason for the other children to not be able to see their grandparent and exchange gifts.

If everything has to be equal between children and stepchildren where family is concerned, how do people actually do that? If you consciously do that, it's never actually 'equal'.

As a step-child, step-mother, and now step-grandmother, I have a lot of experience in these issues. We don't carry out elaborate calculations of who gets what. In giving gifts, I treat my step-grandchildren the same as my grandchildren. That's the way my family has always done it. I don't worry about the total accumulation of what each child gets from all the different permutations of family. I am concerned about my relationship with each child and I don't want my step-grands to feel left out or to feel lesser.

lass he adopted his wife's child. Therefore the child is his child not his step child

What does your dp's mother get for your kids?

I don't think she sounds ungrateful.

She was sat there watching her siblings opening up toys which she didn't get because she is 'different' and probably felt very awkward.

She's only 10 and doesn't really know how to express how she was feeling about the whole thing.

Your mum wasn't technically in the wrong here, but I do feel for the child.

It's not something I would have done.

lass he adopted his wife's child. Therefore the child is his child not his step child

Sorry not following this. I thought the child in question was the biological daughter of the OP's partner and the OP's step daughter.

What the OP meant is what the OP said presumably. Not all blended families have to operate in exactly the same way. My step DCs are an important part of our family, and my kids adore them. I've known them since they were 7 and 9, would have wanted to treat them as my own, but it was made very clear to me by their Mum and by them that they weren't comfortable with this. I have a role more like an aunt. They're not mine. That's fine. I never say I have 4 kids. That was their choice which I respect.

Maybe next time then suggest the big monetary gifts are given privately.

Kids don't always see the logic and wheat she didn't mean anything by it to a child it could be seen differently.

re the staying at your mums without her is she happy with that or does she feel left out? do you get to spend much time all together?

Sorry not following this. I thought the child in question was the biological daughter of the OP's partner and the OP's step daughter

David T, whom you mentioned

WhitePhantom My dp's mum gets them an equal amount of presents, but it is not comparable because all of the children are dp's. They aren't mine from a previous relationship so it isn't the same.

One way to solve that issue is to give very different presents to all the children. Then the comparaison isn't that easy or obvious to do.

YY about the issue of doing everything equal. If the DH had given the 'same' to the OP's dsd, then surely overall, the dsd would have had 'more' as she would have had presents from her mother, other set of grand parents etc??
What would have been wrong is if the DM hadn't brought anything at all for the dsd.

You do need to have a chat with your dsd (or rather, your DH needs to have a word with her) and talk about what is fair, what isn't. I'm getting the feeling that in some ways, she equates not getting the same to not be treated the same/not being loved as much?? Is the issue one of being 'entitled' or one of feeling insecure on how much she is loved? Depending on the answer, you will need to treat it differently.
One of the big issue is of course that it can well be that, in the eyes of an adult, it is fair that she gets less (as per a lot of the posts) but that she just sees less presents = treated differently/not being loved as much etc... (There is a thread atm going on about grandparents who bought a present to one of their (non step) grand children but not the other. The child who received nothing said 'I know they don't love me as much'). It's a very hard one to explain tbh.

And of course, you also have the question of 'Is the most important thing to be fair/equal or to make feel included and a full member of the family?' along side 'does that include also grandparents, aunts and uncles etc....? How far do you go?'

Ah got you now.

I think if I were the grandmother here I'd have scaled down all 4 presents. I can see the reasoning why OP thinks it fair but to be honest with 4 at a wide age range I'd probably just have given money.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

Here's what's wrong with all of this:
Her intention in giving a ten year old child a very small token gift on the same day that the other children in the same house are getting quite substantial gifts is completely separate from how the ten year old sees things. You are complaining that she whined about what she got. This is because she is ten and very rightly perceived that there is a difference in how the children are seen. No child should have to spend part of Christmas day listening to an explanation of a very large disparity between what she got and what the other children got. She was not upset about the stuff but about the feeling behind it.

Giving some of the children more because they are blood relatives is not on. By implication some of the children will get less. Your mum needs to ask herself 'Why?' Why does she need to underline the fact that only some of the children are her grandchildren or that she 'doesn't know' some of the children well? She had a choice to be kind or technically right here, and she chose to be technical. Why?

She didn't have to spend more a more thoughtful gift, something more appropriate for a ten year old than the very generic colouring things and choc would have been a better idea and more explainable. What she did reflects no effort, no thought an afterthought.

This is what my exMIL used to do to my exSIL's two children by her previous marriage, purely on the basis that her 'real' grandchildren should have more. It was mean spirited and done for no reason except punctiliousness about who was and who wasn't a grandchild, explained away by reference to the notion that the two children in question got presents from their dad's side of their family, and with no regard for the feelings of the children who were not with their dad's family at Christmas. For the sake of a little more money and/or thought, so much hurt could have been avoided, and surely Christmas is an ideal time for making a child feel welcome, part of a family, cherished if even for the reason that her father is now part of her family. That is what a present in blended families such as yours should be aiming to do, not to underline the separate lineage of the children.

You are not being unreasonable, however, I would have felt a bit uncomfortable and think maybe it would be better for your three children to receive their more lavish gifts when the step granddaughter was not there.

It is especially hurtful if all the children are DP's. This little girl's half siblings got treated as if they are more valued than she is. Ouch.

what was rubbish about this was that she got the same as her brothers and sisters, just not the main presents. How awful for her. How does that make her feel?

My DD1 is a stepchild and she often wouldn't get as much as her cousins, but this was more to do with us living further afield and she would never have had to open presents in front of the others. I was grateful for the presents she did get, there was no father on the scene so no extended family i considered it lovely that MIL bought her a present and welcomed her. I would however have been hurt on her behalf if it was a case of everyone opening presents and her getting a colouring book.

So its not about the presents, just the way it was done.

LookingForward - since your stepdaughter is with you every other weekend, why couldn't you have waited until she'd gone back to her mum's house for your dc to open some of their gifts from your mum? So she wouldn't have seen the other three children getting so much more than her.

I think that, in your mum's position, I would have given equally to all four children - I would not have been able to contemplate one child sitting there, opening a 'token' gift, whilst the other three opened four presents and got money too.

If this child thinks that her dad's new family are more important to him than she is, this could have reinforced that.

She is only 10 - when she's older, she will understand that she gets other presents from her mum's side of the family, so it all balances out - at the moment, she is young, and it just looks really unfair. My heart hurts for her.

I have a lot of time for Seneca's opinion so am reconsidering my initial view the gifts were fair.

That was shitty of your mother. The child is 10. You've been together at least since she was 4 given the age of your joint DC. She watched all her siblings open presents that all had parts A, B, C, D and E and hers only had A and B.

Its not about the presents, just the way it was done

Very well said Lem.

There are people on this thread who are expecting a bit too much from a ten year old.

I'm on the fence.

It's not your DM's fault if she hasn't gotten to know your DSD, that's yours/your DH's. I would certainly be questioning why that is the case though after all this time and the amount of weekend contact you have with DSD.

That said, YABVU and actually quite cruel to allow all the DCs to open the presents in front of one another if one of them is getting significantly less than the others. And if your DM was aware this would happen she is as bad as you.