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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:

MrsEmmaPeel · 26/12/2015 20:55

LookingForward You were ALL at fault. You are all living together as a family. A young child cannot rationalize the situation the same way as adults can.

That child will just think that they have a less important place within the family unit, however unintentional it may have been. And your mother should show some tact.

littlegreen66 · 26/12/2015 20:56

When my DS was little we used to spend Christmas with my ex's brother's family, so my DS had his grandma there, but his cousins had both their grandma and their Nana there. The cousins got big presents from both grandmothers, but my DS received a big present from his grandma and a token from the cousins' nana. This was fine because the cousins' nana was not his nana. She was Auntie Annie.

This situation isn't significantly different to the OP's. Surely the DSD knows that the OP's mum is not her grandma, and therefore different rules apply?

My own DSS (8) is significantly younger than my DS, so the comparison is't the same, but he certainly isn't put out by my own mum giving my DS more presents than she gives him.

Apathyisthenewblah · 26/12/2015 20:57

Oh dfo peppie! Do OPs kids get compensated for sharing their father with a step sibling?? No families come in all shapes and sizes not one which is "whole".
I have one DD and 2 DSCs who I love very much. I do not however have 3 DCs.
My DSCs get presents from their Mum and Dad, the GPs on both sides, aunties and uncles, me and their little sister. They also get gifts from my DM but not to the same monetary value as my DD. I defy anyone to suggest they are hard done by but imagine than some of the histrionic posters on here could manage it

merrymouse · 26/12/2015 20:59

It's more about tact, politeness and sensitivity than ensuring that everybody is treated equally.

Perhaps if the SD had been pre-briefed (as the more mature sibling) she would have reacted differently.

Original poster

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 21:00

Emma I disagree. I don't think my mum is at fault at all. We were for how we handled it.
I don't think I would give a child I barely knew £30 and a few presents either. If I was close to their siblings though then yes. That's for the parents of those children to handle though and me and DP could have handled it better.

OP posts:

TaliZorah · 26/12/2015 21:01

Seoul the difference is I wouldn't be part of his dad's new family. If I had a partner who already had a child, I'd expect my parents to buy similar amounts for both my son and my partners son or daughter.

In that situation I would explain to him there might be different presents but I'd hope they were treated equally

Fairylea · 26/12/2015 21:02

I have a dd aged 12 from a previous relationship and a son aged 3.5 with my dh. We've actually been at my dhs family today and his mum and dad spent exactly the same more or less on my dd as they did on my ds which is how I think it should be.

I think your mum was massively unreasonable, sorry. Your eldest child is 6 which means your step dd has been in your mums (and your) life for a very long time now as has surely become just as much a grandchild as your joint children with your dh.

I think she would feel very hurt being given obviously less - it doesn't matter that she had more from others. Children don't rationalise like that.

UkmmTheSecond · 26/12/2015 21:02

Your mum maybe could have discreetly given the cash to you to,pass on without when dd is back at her mums, in the bath or something.

I've been on both sides.

I've had two step mums and two stepdads and loads if step grandparents. It really isn't about getting less in the material sense, it's what the bigger pile represents, it's hard to word, but it's like a reminder that your different to the other children, it's not the fault of your step daughter she doesn't have a relationship with your mum, it's a result of her not being with you when your mum visits, which is a reminder she isn't permanent in her dad's life the same way his other children are, and watching two of your siblings open larger presents while you have a token gift can be hurtful. A 10 year old is old enough to spot the difference but not mature enough to understand the dynamics. It can feel like a token gift for a token child.

Was even shitter when I was 10 as we also got token gifts from Dad and his wife whenever dad married, while her child (not my dad's) would have stacks to open, step mums logic was we got stuff off my mum, who my dad avoided paying maintenance to so would be unfair if I got more than her ds. (didn't apply to her child though who got stuff off his own father too, apparently that was different) and I'm sure I looked around too, kind of hard not to when you've opened your two gifts and your step brother has ripped through loads with loads to go from your dad, along with step grandparents,step aunts who were all there. I know I'll sound greedy but really I just felt sad, felt like less gifts for the lesser child. I was too young to get the dynamics.( although my dad was shit) We only ever saw dad an hour on the afternoon and their gifts could have been done before we arrived.

Saying that my mum buys dd more than my DSS, I've been with dh 15 years and my mum sees DSS maybe once a year due to distance. They get him a little more than a token thing, but I know dd has more spent on her, my mum would never dream of giving them diff amounts if they were opening in front if each other, I wouldn't allow if it she tried either. We either visit mum on a day DSS isn't here, or she sends gift ahead so dd opens hers before stepson comes.

Your mum meant well, it's just things like this that are meant to be making stepchild feel included and equal etc have the opposite effect and it can be hard for a child to articulate that.

Hope you all enjoy theorist of xmas

MrsDeVere · 26/12/2015 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KurriKurri · 26/12/2015 21:04

The argument is not about children getting the same, it is about handing out gifts to children all at the same time and giving one child less so that that child is singled out as different from the others.

As has been said the 'blood' grandchildren could get more but no reason why they couldn't get it at a time when the DSD wasn't there to observe the difference in treatment. She may well be getting presents form her family, but the OP's children will not have to sit and watch her open them while they twiddle their thumbs.

Everyone going on about amount of gifts DSD getting equal eventually is totally missing the point. If you single a child out as different (especially in front of others when their reactions are being observed and commented on) then you are being hurtful, insensitive and putting that child in an embarrassing and awkward position. Completely unnecessarily so and avoidable with a little forethought and kindness.

HermioneWeasley · 26/12/2015 21:05

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think it was nice if your mum to get her a gift. I bet your husband's ex wife's parents don't buy anything for your kids.

Your mum is not her grandmother - she has her own grandparents. And age 10 is plenty old enough to understand that.

MistressMerryWeather · 26/12/2015 21:06

I think people getting hung up on the other presents DSD received are spectacularly missing the point.

She isn't opening all of those presents in front of her siblings while they sit there wondering where their toys are.

She was singled out in a situation where they are all supposed to be a family.

Can none of you get how crap that must have made her feel? It's completely unnecessary.

TaliZorah · 26/12/2015 21:07

That's what I'm trying to get at, it's so that the step child doesn't feel left out or different.

SenecaFalls · 26/12/2015 21:11

Why would you, they weren't my family.

I suppose it depends on how you define family. My step-grandparents became part of my family because they chose to treat me as a grandchild. I welcomed that. As did my step-children when my parents did the same with them. As my step-grandchildren have with me.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/12/2015 21:14

LookingForward You were ALL at fault. You are all living together as a family. A young child cannot rationalize the situation the same way as adults can

At 10 most children are more than capable of identifing who there grandparent is and who is not their grandparent. They are usually also compleatly capable of understanding that people who are actually related to you may tend to get you higher value gifts than those who are not.

UkmmTheSecond · 26/12/2015 21:14

The exes parents are not part of ops children's family, step or otherwise them not buying ops children gifts isn't the same as OPs mum who is the child's step grandma.

SeoulSista · 26/12/2015 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueBlueBelles · 26/12/2015 21:17

At 10 has she not been spoken to about all the step families, gift situations etc?

My ExH and I split up 6 years ago. My DS are 9 and 7. My 9 year old is SEN. They get it.

We are seeing my partners brother/sil tomorrow. there are going to be presents - do I, or my children, expect them to get the same as their step brother? No. They will see anything they get as a gracious present, even if he is showered in gifts and the get a box of chocolates. They know they got stuff today at their dads family etc. they know they are loved, loved by all of us, and there are situations with step families where everything is not "fair".

MistressMerryWeather · 26/12/2015 21:18

I'm starting to think every 10 year old I know must be terribly immature both logically and emotionally not really.

I'm not buying it.

Most children that age, in that situation would feel a bit shit.

Micah · 26/12/2015 21:22

My mum doesnt know sdc very well-she lives 6 hours away and only visits once or twice a year, if it doesnt co-incide with their weekends she wont see them every visit. She gets them token presents.

Can i ask how people expect christmas presents to work generally? Should sdc be bought the same amount as resident children? With us step dc arrive boxing day, so resident children get santa bits and pieces, step children get main presents only. If we treat all equally we'd have to cut out the santa and stockings as we couldnt afford 4 lots, but the step dc will get that stuff anyway at their mums.

MrsDeVere · 26/12/2015 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HormonalHeap · 26/12/2015 21:43

Well said MrsDeVere, and I say that as a step parent. It's just not worth the upset, is it?

merrymouse · 26/12/2015 21:46

Your eldest child is 6 which means your step dd has been in your mums (and your) life for a very long time now as has surely become just as much a grandchild as your joint children with your dh.

Why? All families are different, but in this case it seems that the SD has a full compliment of relatives on her own side. It would be equally unreasonable for the step daughter to be expected to have the same relationship with a step grandmother she hardly sees as her own grandparents.

I think the situation could have been handled more sensitively but I also think it devalues relationships to expect children to have equivalent relationships with all their relatives, regardless of connection and the reality of how much contact they have.

LittleBeautyBelle · 26/12/2015 21:51

Well said, MrsDeVere!

RabbitSaysWoof · 26/12/2015 21:51

All the kids of separated parents I know (including my own) would have main stash of presents from one parent Christmas Day and the other parent Boxing Day, is that the case in your family op? If it is I would imagine your 3 having no more big surprises left today while dsd is getting parent presents all over again from you and her father, so she would already have more left to open than your dc today if that's the case. Your mum did a kind thing either way.

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