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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

904 replies

LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 17:33

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 26/12/2015 19:07

I was the step daughter it wasnt a nice feeling getting less i know my sister was related by blood and all that and i never made a fuss its not about the stuff its about being left out and as a kid that can hurt she is 10 so was 3/4 when her sibling was born how can your mum not know her that well?

bodenbiscuit · 26/12/2015 19:07

I think YABU, sorry. You are a blended family and the children should all be treated the same by everyone.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 26/12/2015 19:08

Mine too SDT, it's just highlight the fact even more that's she's not seen as part of the family and second rate.

Her dad shouldnt allow her to be treated differently, he shouldn't have sided with the OP and stuck up for his daughter.

Unreasonablebetty · 26/12/2015 19:11

Of course it's unfair. You do not give out 3 equal presents then less to another.

I've only got one child, and she is not my husbands, however I would be fucking livid if I had another child and my I laws treated them unequally.
Livid.
Your poor Stepchild. She must feel awful

Furiosa · 26/12/2015 19:16

I can forgive your mum for doing this OP (even though I think it's wrong) but what I think the real issue is the fact that you think it's fine and have called this kid "ungrateful".

Is this really about your mum and your DSD or your relationship with her?

MrsJayy · 26/12/2015 19:19

Next Christmas sure your stepdaughter isnt around when granny gives out presents i get they are her grandchildren but it isnt fair on the girl

Sallystyle · 26/12/2015 19:22

I think it should be equal.

Yes your stepdaughter will get presents from her mother's side of the family which your children won't get, but your children are not their family and probably doesn't even know them. Your step daughter is a part of your mother's family (or should be) and therefore should be treated the same as her bio grandchildren IMO.

Obviously others don't agree but I can tell you that it really hurts to see your siblings have more than you just because they are related by blood. Now your step daughter has been told loudly and clearly that she just isn't as important as her siblings because she has a different mum. Look at it from a child's perspective. If your mum is going to get them more the least she can do is not do it in the child's face. Your mum was mean to do it out in the open in front of the poor girl. Does she have no tact? She is 10, of course she will be hurt and not one of you had the sensitivity to think about her feelings.

Take away the step side of things, I would never give one sibling much more than another if they were opening presents at the same time.

This is a sensitive subject for me and I will no longer allow my children from my first marriage to be treated differently to their siblings from my current husband. Not in my fucking house, ever again. We are all family, blood related or not and if you can't treat them all fairly you aren't welcome to be part of their lives.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 26/12/2015 19:23

Poor kid.

Your mum could have held back from giving the little kids £30 (cash meaningless to children the age of your shared DC but not so much to a 10 year old). And got her an age appropriate gift, with your guidance.

coffeeisnectar · 26/12/2015 19:25

My youngest is 10. She lives with me, her big sister and dp who is her step dad. Dp has two girls, one is 19 and lives with her boyfriend and was thrown out of the house by dps ex who is mum to his 12 year old. So my dsd 19 got presents from us, her partner and sister. My kids got presents from us, the 19 year old and one present from my parents and one from my sister.

The 12 year old gets from her mum and partner (iPhone this year), several aunts, godparents, grandparents and then comes to us and gets an equal amount as my two got and the older one. In essence she gets about three times as much as the other girls. My 10 year old can understand perfectly why this happens, understands that they have separate families which are only linked by dp and that's the way life is.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 19:26

Furiosa I can say hand on heart it is all to do with the lack of relationship with my mum.
I know this because of the close relationship dp's dd has with my other side of the family- my dad's. They see her a lot more throughout the year and as such they are close to her, and therefore got her a lot more presents because they see her as an equal grandchild.

Honestly, she is well loved and she really does get a lot from the people who love her and are close to her. It's not like she gets minimal or gets nothing. The presents my mum brought were like a drop in the ocean to all of the ocean. They are all spoiled.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 19:27

Fucks sake.

A drop in the ocean to all of the children not ocean. Blush

OP posts:
eleven59 · 26/12/2015 19:30

I'm surprised you need to ask. How awful. Of course she's looking around. Unfair of you all. YABU

Kingfisherfree · 26/12/2015 19:32

YABU. Your DM should have given them the same presents. I had this when I was young it really is a bit unpleasant. Maybe your DH should have topped up the presents for his DD. It is not about your DSD being spoiled it is about self- esteem.

Bogeyface · 26/12/2015 19:33

I have a DD with H and my other DCs with ex.

Ex buys nothing for my DD, why would he? My MIL buys a large tin of sweets for my DC to share (she doesnt know them but thats down to her not me, she has only met one of them once).

She gets DD a large present and ex and ex FIL get the kids large presents. So they each get about the same, just from different people, which I think is fine.

That said, we do it so that DD gets her gift from MIL on Boxing day, the same day as the kids get their stuff from ex and exFIL when they go to his, so all they get on /xmas day is stuff from us and my parents. So I would perhaps have arranged it that your mum sent the main gifts over before so they could have them on Xmas day and just bring the colouring books and chocolate on Boxing day so that it isnt obvious.

Bogeyface · 26/12/2015 19:35

Maybe your DH should have topped up the presents for his DD.

And should the OP have "topped up" her kids gifts to make up for the fact that DSD got a load of gifts from her maternal family that they didnt get?

OF course not! They all got roughly the same, just from different places. The DSD needs reminding of this, unless she is happy to share her gifts from her maternal grandparents with her half siblings.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 19:35

All the children should have been treated as equally as possible. Being a stepchild in the midst of one's step-mum's family can be a bit lonely.

I still remember the Christmas party where BFF's mother said loudly that she wanted her photo taken with "all my grandchildren". All the grandchildren gathered together to pose and then she pointedly said "No no, just my grandchildren" and told BFF's stepchildren to move out of the picture and motioned my two children (no relation, but she always called herself Grandma to them) to get in the picture. BFF was livid and I was terribly embarrassed.

Needless to say, she did NOT get her photo!

KurriKurri · 26/12/2015 19:40

I think your last post shows that it is not about gifts or total number of gifts, it is all about a ten year old's perception of her place and importance in this blended family. She has been singled out as different in this instance, and she is aware of that - that is hurtful. That is not ingratitude it is sensitivity to family dynamic. She is not the same - same father but not an equal child.

It is not necessarily your Mum's job to deal with that - but it is yours and your DH's. It could easily have been avoided by
Making sure presents were opened when the children were not all together.
or
Forewarning your mum that she should treat the children all the same - I'm sure there are plenty of opportunities for her to give extra to her 'blood' grandchildren when their half sister is not around. Or she could have held some gifts back for when your DSD was with her DM's family.

It is very hard for children to hide hurt of this kind - it is not ingratitude - if you think it is you are effectively saying 'you are lucky to get anything, you aren't a full family member'.

What she gets from anyone else is irrelevant - we can only attend to our own behaviour not that of others. If I am giving gifts to children who are receiving them at the same time, I treat them equally whether those children are family, step family, or friends of family.

Crazybaglady · 26/12/2015 19:42

I think its mean, i would be really upset if that happened to my son. Luckily both his step dad and step mums family treat him as one of their own

mathanxiety · 26/12/2015 19:42

You are still looking at this from the pov that this child is ungrateful and that this is about how high her overall pile of stuff is. You are wrong in this.

The lack of relationship with your mum is not an excuse, it is part of the problem. The other part is choosing to express that in material terms.

How can your mother not understand that this child's half siblings are getting expressions of affection from her and that not showing a similar affection is divisive and unnecessarily so? Your mum doesn't need to underline the fact that she 'doesn't know' this girl well labouring this point is to say 'you are separate from your half siblings' why would she want to do this? Why not choose to send another message -- that this girl is cherished and a welcome part of the family?

Ditsy4 · 26/12/2015 19:43

It was thoughtless. Next year suggest a family present....panto, day out at local attraction then it avoids this situation. At ten she would have noticed more than the younger ones. Agree with eastwest but if it was me I would have just split the amount I could afford four ways. Let it settle and bring it up at another time and suggest the family gift or wait until something exciting advertised next year and say to mum could she get tickets for children for Xmas. Some people don't realise how crushing it can be for step kids.

Original poster
LookingForwardto2016 · 26/12/2015 19:46

As long as we treat her the same and as long as the people she sees often treat her the same then I think this is ok. My mum isn't really important to her in the grand scheme of things is she?

OP posts:
Kingfisherfree · 26/12/2015 19:52

As Kuri Kuri said Bogeyface it doesn't matter a jot if DSD gets more presents in total than the OPs DC it's her perception of a gesture at that time. DSD will come away feeling separate from your family and that will have an effect on her confidence.

WoodHeaven · 26/12/2015 19:53

in your eyes, it's just a drop but her reactions shows that to your dsd it IS important.

So again, it depends on what you want to do and what you see as important. Is it more important to be fair or is it more imporatnt to feel your dsd be welcomed by all your family members?

Or is the issue that actually raising that as an issue to your DM would be a problem in itself and your guess is that she wouldn't quite inderstand what the problem is?

Sallystyle · 26/12/2015 19:54

You don't get it do you OP?

WoodHeaven · 26/12/2015 19:55

Tbh, the fact your DM doesn't see her very often is not your dsd issue. I'm sure that your DM is giving similar ish present to the grandchildren she sees evry often and the ones she doesn't see very often.

Btw, why is it that your dsd sees your dad side of the family often but not your mum? Why not having tried to be sure she gets to spend time with your DM too, like she does with your DF for example?
ie is there any history there?