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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think £30 each is stingy?

262 replies

Lightbulbon · 25/12/2015 19:32

DF came for Xmas dinner.

Brought a card for all of us (no separate cards for dcs) with £150 in it. There are 5 of us so that's £30 each.

He ate our 'naice' food and drank our wine/prosecco and has now left to meet his friends in the pub.

He has an income of at least £2k pcm and has had a massive amount of financial help from us recently.

Aibu to think that £30 each plus a few cheap chocs (think celebrations) is a bit shit?

(Plus he spelt dp's easy to spell name wrong on the card)

Other people's DFs/GPs aren't like this are they?

It just makes me sad tbh.

OP posts:
SeptemberFlowers · 25/12/2015 23:37

YABVU ! £30 is a decent amount.

OhBeloved · 25/12/2015 23:53

If you have really helped him out and put up with outrageous behaviour to 'deserve' nc (and unless there's abuse I don't know what that ever achieves?) - then been persuaded to invite him for Christmas - them well done.

You have been more generous and forgiving than perhaps he deserves. But isn't that the essence of generosity and forgiveness? That it isn't deserved?

So don't allow yourself to sink into resentment now OP. Be the bigger person and try to continue with your forgiveness. You'll like yourself more for it ultimately.

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 26/12/2015 00:25

Ah well don't have him round for Xmas next year problem solved

Headmelt · 26/12/2015 00:34
Hmm Wow, Christmas really brings out the best in some. Shame op isn't one of them Xmas Grin That is so Grabby op, unreasonable doesn't even hit the surface
FLAMBOLA · 26/12/2015 00:38

are you taking the piss?

Julius02 · 26/12/2015 00:38

I got nothing from my DH....and only one present. And I would love to still have my parents around.
You really don't sound very nice.

Wilma123 · 26/12/2015 01:03

My mum got me a £1 diary from card factory she has annual income of 500k - Confused

BurningBridges · 26/12/2015 01:06

Bloody hell Wilma if there was any sort of prize to be had here I think it would be yours! That's legendarily mean of her!

mumeeee · 26/12/2015 01:13

YABU £30 is a reasonable amount and definitely not stingy

kali110 · 26/12/2015 02:17

Get a grip.
To you £150 is him not caring, but maybe to him it isn't? It's just him
Being generous ( like normal people)
My dh has given me an envelope ofcash one year as he knew there was something i really wanted, was that him 'not caring' ?
I like receiving cash, i don't think it means the person doesn't care!
I'd rather have that than a gift i wouldn't use.
He could have come over and not given you anything!!
So what if he earns two grand a month, maybe it's ear marked?
It may Possibly even be for your future. Sad
I Rarely give out cards, doesn't mean i don't care i just don't like the things.
None of your posts have helped you.
Maybe you should go nc it doesn't sound like you benefit much from seeing him and he is just wasting his money.
Sorry your post does just sound entitled.
I'd give up everything for one more second with my dad.

Damselindestress · 26/12/2015 02:52

If you have had to help him out financially then surely you want him to get back on his feet so he won't have to depend on you in the future, not spend too much on big gestures at Christmas and end up struggling and needing help again in the New Year. YABU to say £30 each is stingy, especially when you know he's had financial issues. If you have other issues with him try to address them specifically and separate them from the gift.

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2015 03:03

My children & I got exactly ZERO from my father this year. Biscuit

Sandthefloor · 26/12/2015 03:50

I think the OP ,if serious, is naive to post this on MN where expecting gifts is the cardinal sin. Xmas Wink Giving money to younger children means nothing on the day where it's the thrill of opening a present no matter how much it cost. However, if it was my df there's no way he'd be able to think of gifts so I'd probably need to get them (and wrap them) for him and he'd give me the money. £150 is a lot of money to most people, but if he throws his money about like water and is more generous to other people then I can see why the OP might be disappointed. It's more of a can't be arsed to decide who gets what so here's money for the lot of you.

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2015 04:00

I think the OP ,if serious, is naive to post this on MN where expecting gifts is the cardinal sin Hardly!! It's the expectation of an expencive gift that annoys me.

Giving money to younger children means nothing on the day where it's the thrill of opening a present no matter how much it cost My youngest (7) was thrilled to get money from people this year, as she knows exactly what she wants, so the thrill was absolutely there for her.

Sansoora · 26/12/2015 04:33

That was a nice gift and if you've had to help him out financially recently you should be well aware that he doesn-t have much to give - not that 150 pounds wasn't a lot.

As for your naice food etc - do you only invite people for a meal if they're going to pay you back in someway so your not out of pocket?

But like another poster further up - I suspect this is a wind up.

Sandthefloor · 26/12/2015 04:45

Not all 7 year olds would feel the same and the OP's children may be even younger.
I don't think it is a wind up. Think it's just a spur of the moment post that they probably wish they hadn't posted now.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 26/12/2015 04:49

You are being VILE.

Firstly, I would have viewed the cash as equivalent to £50 per child.

Secondly, £50 or £30 is generous, especially from someone who has recently had financial difficulties.

I hope you are going to show gratitude for the gift?

Sazbird · 26/12/2015 05:23

Tiredmummy2015 I feel you pain and send hugs.

OP I would have loved for my fil to be alive to see his first great grandson today as we lost him just after new year.

It will have been 10 yrs in March since my mum went to heaven, Christmas Eve was her birthday.
Please be greatful for what you do have. My dad saves all year to get shopping vouchers, £25 for everyone as I have 4 kids . He knows DH and I spend ours on Xmas food so gives it early. He knows the older kids like cash and that I buy them off them to treat myself in the sales.
I spent £10 on my dad this year but I spent 3 weeks searching for the perfect thing. He loved it which is what matters.

You sound like my dads partner. She refuses to accept a present from us due to past disagreements but she insists on getting gifts fot DH and me and all the kids!?!? Yeah this upset me the first year but now I think, 'cheers for saying me the hassle'.

By the way my gift this year was mulled fruit 'drink' from IKEA.

Birdsgottafly · 26/12/2015 08:05

I think that the OP means that she helped him with the paperwork/tax side of thinks, not with money, so she knows he has £2k spare/disposable income each month.

OP, I agree that it's a stingy amount. I've got a lot less disposable income but spend (like for like) more, as does everyone I know, on their children and Grandchildren.

What's more important is the lack of interest. I don't know one Grandparent that comes for Christmas Day, but hasn't asked what the children want/what they're doing and joining in, if possible.

Yeah, he's a shit Dad and Grandad, the pub atmosphere is the most important aspect of his Christmas. You've long ago established that, there isn't going to be a Christmas miracle and him transforming into a loving DF/GF.

I had abusive/uncaring parents, you can't change that. They will never be the parents that you wanted or deserved.

You've either got to go NC, or limit contact and accept this is how it is.

Don't let this put a damper on things. Deal with the emotional side of having a emotional distant parent another time. Christmas brings this sort of stuff to the surface.

I would look on the relationship board, look at the links given on subjects and see if they ring true and reading them helps.

As for those quoting they've lost their DF/GF, you've got to have them, emotionally, to lose them.

It's my first Christmas without my Mum, she died this year. I miss her being around, sort of and shopping for her, but I haven't lost someone who would enjoy the day properly and who would ever offer emotional support, someone I could talk to etc so you don't 'lose' them in the same way as someone else.

The money is the symbolism of the OPs missing out on a caring father, not the amount, she's just posted too soon after the event to explain that.

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 26/12/2015 08:13

My inlaws gave my children £20 each and the children were thrilled. I think £20 is a significant amount for a child.
The OP is being VU.

Shutthatdoor · 26/12/2015 08:17

The money is the symbolism of the OPs missing out on a caring father, not the amount, she's just posted too soon after the event to explain that.

Are you the OP? If not then there is no way you could know that....

Bubblesinthesummer · 26/12/2015 08:23

OP, I agree that it's a stingy amount

So what is an acceptable about!? £100, £500 each!

YABVU OP.

Ememem84 · 26/12/2015 08:35

My parents gave us money yesterday. How dare they.

We spent £20 a head on presents for everyone. How dare we.

We went to parents for Christmas. And ate their food and drank their wine. How rude are we.

Must tell dh that were cheapskates.

Lweji · 26/12/2015 08:48

I'd find it very odd that a single man had 2k disposable income monthly and was relying on benefits or tax credits.

OP, I think you need to explain the financials on this case.

CreepingDogFart · 26/12/2015 08:54

OP if you'd rather "burn the money than spend it" perhaps you could donate it to the Cumbria Flood Appeal since those families haven't even had a Christmas this year, or even a house.

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