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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think £30 each is stingy?

262 replies

Lightbulbon · 25/12/2015 19:32

DF came for Xmas dinner.

Brought a card for all of us (no separate cards for dcs) with £150 in it. There are 5 of us so that's £30 each.

He ate our 'naice' food and drank our wine/prosecco and has now left to meet his friends in the pub.

He has an income of at least £2k pcm and has had a massive amount of financial help from us recently.

Aibu to think that £30 each plus a few cheap chocs (think celebrations) is a bit shit?

(Plus he spelt dp's easy to spell name wrong on the card)

Other people's DFs/GPs aren't like this are they?

It just makes me sad tbh.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/12/2015 10:21

Surely, better or less off, our parents have raised us, paid for our things while growing up. As grown ups they are certainly not obligated to keep giving to us.
Helping a parent is very little to repay that. (Unless they completely buggered off and did nothing for us growing up)
And don't say we didn't choose to be born. But for the most part, parents have done a lot more than the bare minimum required.
I think it's just as uncary and thoughtless to invite anyone, including a parent, for lunch and expect immense gratitude.

greatbigwho · 26/12/2015 10:23

We didn't have him to dinner but my FiL is like this.

And we say thank you, accept his gift thankfully and enjoy the fact that he's given us some money that we can use to do something nice with.

Maybe send him an invoice for Christmas dinner and stop comparing everything like this.

myotherusernameisbetter · 26/12/2015 10:30

I think I must live in a parallel universe. Apart from the occasional bottle of wine or calendar, I haven't had a gift at Christmas or birthday from my Mum for about 20 years.......and she mostly gives me money to either buy the kids something or latterly as they've gotten older, to give to them.

I know she loves us as we do her. None of us could give a toss about a gift.

Clearly this isn't really about the gift. But the way the OP is worded is horrible and grabby.

LemonRedwood · 26/12/2015 10:30

I earn over £2k a month (and DH more than that) and £150 is still more than we spent on presents for all our friends and family together. Checks mn for threads about our stinginess

Your OP sounds grabby and entitled. If, as you claim, you just want him to care, well, he cared enough to spend time with you and his grandchildren on Christmas day.

You may have access to his bank account, but you don't know exactly what he needs to spend on or indeed may be saving for because it's none of your business, even if you do choose to help him out financially. Stop doing that if it bothers you so much.

I can smell burning rubber from all your back-pedalling.

Lweji · 26/12/2015 10:42

I'd be happy for my parents to have lots in the bank. It means they will be more secure if they get ill or incapacitated. It also means that funeral costs will be covered.

BigChocFrenzy · 26/12/2015 11:23

Reading the OP it is clear their complaint is that £150 is "stingy", so not the fact that it was cash, but that the fact it was "too little" cash.

And he ate their naice food and drank wine. How very dare he.
The DF is on below average income, so £150 is a huge amount, imo.

Sandthefloor · 26/12/2015 11:25

My children get separate "Grandson" cards and give " to special Grandparent" type cards at Christmas. Surely they can't be the only ones or the card shops wouldn't stock them.

I must live in a parallel universe, because I don't know anyone who would be happy with a box of chocolates for the whole family from rich parents. Everyone I know must be greedy and grabby...

Fratelli · 26/12/2015 11:29

Biscuit Genuinely can't believe there are such ungrateful people!

Ballgoof · 26/12/2015 11:30

Grabby and selfish springs to mind [santa]

BigChocFrenzy · 26/12/2015 11:31

There is a massive difference between a box of chocs, which was the extra and the £150 which was the main family present.

I'm totally baffled how £150 is "stingy" unless we get a dripfeed that he's just won Euromillions
Reading the OP, it sounds like £150 of presents would be "stingy" too; it really is that they wanted more money.

Sandthefloor · 26/12/2015 11:36

ballgoof was that grabby and selfish aimed at me?

Damselindestress · 26/12/2015 12:02

It's the impersonal nature of handing something over that you have in abundance, that has got to the OP.

But he doesn't have money in abundance. £2000 a month is below the average UK salary, we don't know his living expenses and existing financial obligations and we do know he has needed a massive amount of financial help recently.

And if it was the impersonal nature of giving money that bothered the OP then they would have said that originally, not divided the money to see exactly how much their family got each and compared it to what they spent feeding their father. They didn't seem concerned about receiving money, just the amount.

Flashbangandgone · 26/12/2015 12:40

I must live in a parallel universe, because I don't know anyone who would be happy with a box of chocolates for the whole family from rich parents. Everyone I know must be greedy and grabby...

I agree... It seems there are lots of parallel universes this time of year! Never met anyone who gets a box of chocs from parents for family and children! And I thought we were understated at Christmas with not spending many hundreds on presents like some proudly say they do.

Also, I don't think men should get a free pass when it comes to gifts and thoughtfulness at Christmas. Unless ill or infirm, there's no excuse not to buy your young (primary age and pre-school) grandchildren presents at Christmas, even something from the £1 shop if you're totally and utterly broke. Not to do so is incredibly mean-spirited!

Flashbangandgone · 26/12/2015 12:42

And if it was the impersonal nature of giving money that bothered the OP then they would have said that originally, not divided the money to see exactly how much their family got each and compared it to what they spent feeding their father. They didn't seem concerned about receiving money, just the amount.

I think you're reading too much into this. Thoughtful presents totalling £150 and I don't think the Op would be cross... Perhaps she could enlighten us?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/12/2015 12:55

£150 is not stingy , not remotely stingy.

Also loving the way the OP assumes it has to be divided by 5. I don't really see why her father should be expected to give her husband a present. It was one gift to the OP's family. Did her father get 5 gifts from them?

Masterpiece1 · 26/12/2015 12:58

OP, Life is too short to worry about things that don't matter.

I'm sorry that you had a tough time with your Dad recently. However, Christmas is all about good will and forgiveness. So you should say thank you and let him know it's appreciated.

If you don't want the money then you can give it to a local charity.

cleaty · 26/12/2015 13:00

My FIL gave the whole family £40. He is well off. But its fine.

mrsmugoo · 26/12/2015 13:08

No I don't think £30 is stingy. Christmas gifts aren't means tested and aren't meant as payment for hospitality.

Damselindestress · 26/12/2015 13:10

Oops, missed the bit about £2000 a month being his disposable income not his total income as that wasn't mentioned in the OP, bit of a drip-feed. Doesn't really add up that he is unemployed and needs financial help from family but has £2000 disposable a month, sounds very complicated. But the point is he isn't obligated to give you a certain amount of money and £30 each is reasonable.

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2015 13:15

Oh I don't know.

I "only" spend £30 on adults in our close family for Christmas. Some of those adults spend more on us, I know that. I can't afford to up that amount, though, even if it makes me feel a bit embarrassed. Christmas is a big cost, and I hope I reciprocate generously in other ways, all through the year. I do imagine them thinking "Well, that's not much." It's worse if you are asked to buy vouchers too, as the monetary value is so clear. But I can't change it. So this thread title stings a bit.

But I think the OP doesnt' mean £30 is stingy, per se, just that the lack of thought and manner of it stings from someone she wants to believe more of.

Floggingmolly · 26/12/2015 13:22

Why is his monthly income thanks to you?? Do you pay him a salary or something? Just deduct the amount you imagine is a suitable gift from next month's allowance...
Maybe all your naice food he managed to put away wasn't half as naice as you think.

Mrspopper · 26/12/2015 13:26

Grabby grabby grabby.
I didn't get any presents this year but I've still had a brilliant time seeing family together and my daughter enjoying Christmas.

Homeriliad · 26/12/2015 13:30

It can be hard for grandparents to know what to buy teenagers; it's a completely different generation. £150 seems like a good way to ensure they get something they actually want.

Mominatrix · 26/12/2015 13:32

*"I must live in a parallel universe, because I don't know anyone who would be happy with a box of chocolates for the whole family from rich parents. Everyone I know must be greedy and grabby...

I agree... It seems there are lots of parallel universes this time of year! Never met anyone who gets a box of chocs from parents for family and children! And I thought we were understated at Christmas with not spending many hundreds on presents like some proudly say they do.*

I am the poster whose parents give the box(es) of chocolates despite being very wealthy. I am very happy with the boxes of chocolates (they send 6, actually) and am touched that they would bother sending things when they live in another country. The thought they take to send anything by international post (buying, wrapping, posting) is fine by us. It just means that they are thinking of us and wanting to give us a small treat at this time of year, which we appreciate.

They are extremely generous all year long with their affection and support, and they have never given huge presents. I have never expected it of them, and have never felt hard done by the lack of lavish presents. They spend their money on other things, which is fine with us. They believe in giving the gifts of education and property, both which have been put aside for my children and me (in the past). My children and I know that we are loved despite the paucity of expensive Christmas presents and are happy that they are there and think of us.

Damselindestress · 26/12/2015 13:42

Flashbangandgone
The title wasn't 'AIBU to prefer presents to money because they are more thoughtful' it was 'AIBU To think £30 each is stingy?' so I don't think I am reading to much into it to say it was more about the amount, since that was specifically referenced.