Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

[FlatOnTheHill]

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

ObviouslyAnameChangeForThisOne - you say "its obviously not a nice thing to do". Her kids get piles of gifts as do the adults. Is giving money to a worthy cause at xmas so bad. I can honestly say by reading a lot of these comments that I have done The wrong thing.. Ive fucked right up for what i thought was being kind.

I absolutely hate it when I get given a sponsorship of a guide dog or the Oxfam type presents.

Why? I got given sponsorship of a polar bear once. I was really pleased.

call her and explain. Again, the OP has TRIED. The sister has ignored her calls for five weeks.

But queenbean her family want presents. They can want away!

It's actually not a very nice thing to do. Is it not, 'actually', Obviously? Your whole post comes across as pretty patronising.

Christ this whole thread is making me despair of people. OP, please don't make greedy shits, in RL or on this thread, make you feel bad.

What a lovely gesture!

I don't see why your sister thinks you MUST buy presents for her and her children in the first place? That is completely unreasonable to start.

It's hardly called a gift if it's something you have to do, what a weird attitude.

In any case, you have given plenty of notice, your sister needs to grow up. I hope everything goes back to normal soon, it's unfair she is spoiling Christmas because you tried to do a lovely think.

I wish you a very merry Christmas

Flat - you tried to do the right thing and it is a very nice thing but I can understand why your sister was a bit upset. Although the 5 week silence thing is crazy.

I like spoiling my sister at Christmas and my nieces and nephews. I would therefore feel sad if I was asked not to do that.

As others have suggested perhaps next Christmas just say you don't want presents but rather donations.

Christmas can be very stressful and any deviation from the 'family norm' needs to be agreed by all well in advance I think.

I think you have made a nice gesture but the better way to do it would be you still give presents and then tell people you don't want gifts but want the money that people would have spent to be sent to the hospice . In essence you are deciding which charity someone else ie your sister is donating to and that's where I would have an issue because I'm very fussy about what charities I donate to .

Don't feel like a cunt OP!

I agree with Lea:

*[you are] ALSO opting out of receiving gifts for herself and her children. (i.e. the "sacrifice" you speak of).

It's not a net loss to the sister's family, it's a wash. They don't receive but they are excused from giving as well. Hence, they are out no money for the exchange and can spend it on whatever they choose, just at the OP is choosing to budget her funds differently this year.*

The sister could spend the saved money on kids' presents and say it was from OP, if the issue was her own kids' disappointment, and it would indirectly be true. It's OP and her son who are giving up their Xmas gifts in favour of the hospice, no-one else.

The 'PRESENTS' belong to the OP because she has not given them yet so no, she isn't giving away their presents. They are only 'theirs' once they have been gifted.

OP, its a lovely thing to do. Your sister really has some odd expectations. where the hell are the manners? you should be gracious present or no present!

I know I have 2 gifts this year and that is it. One I have opened the other for friday. I don't begrudge people not buying me gifts. I was ridiculously poor once and know just how hard it can be to find the money, meet everyone else's expectations and make sure my bills are paid. Every time I would pay my bills before buying anyone gifts. Even my own child had to make do with gifts purchased from a charity shops collected over a number of months for a few years.

I had my own gran call me to tell me she wasn't sending me a card because I hadn't sent her one this year for her birthday completely forgetting the fact I had sent a gift and spend the extra £2 card money on said present with a hand written birthday letter instead.

I think everyone who expects presents is being unreasonable. You don't give just to receive back and I don't see anything wrong with a person taking themselves out of the whole xmas gifting fuckery and donating the fund they have save to charity instead.

I'd say your sister needs to get her head out of her arse. Her behaviour is very very shitty imo and my own sister has done the exact same thing in the past so I know how you feel :(

Charity giving is something we do but not at the expense of others.

Your haven't lost anything, you would have spent that money on others not yourself. Therefore they missed out not you but you will take the glory of giving.

You could have done token gifts for all and bought less food/ nights out therefore sacrificing something yourself.

The problem is you can't tell your sister not to buy you pressies. If she likes the tradition of present giving its highly likely she'll buy them for you anyway.* Then Christmas Day you get said presents and she gets a donation to a hospice in her name. Can you not see why she's peeved? The decision is made for her. You cant make the decision as to whether or not she buys for you and your son.

*she probably won't now that she is pissed off with you though

YANBU you're a lovely person!

^^ Bold fail

Also, if OP buys for sister and says "don't buy for me, but please donate to specific hospice" then how can she make sure this happens?
What if the sister's preferred charity is Save the Whales or something the OP doesn't care about, so she donates to that instead?

The whole point is that the OP wants to forgo something so that the hospice benefits.
The sister should suck it up.

I would have bought token gifts (selection box for everyone) and then donated to charity. That would placate most as they have something to add to their haul.

This is the part of Christmas I struggle with. I'd include in that 'you didn't spend enough' or bought from the approved listed handed over by your wealthy grandparents in October knowing full well it has been a bad year for you, then complain the gift isn't good enough.

A gift is something that doesn't need reciprocating. Hence the word GIFT.

My immediate side of the family don't do Christmas gifts really- a token bottle of whisky or some nice chocolates. Then during the year when you find something they would really love or need, we get it then. What is the point in waiting months for something if you need it then? Perhaps our family have it wrong but it works for us. Seeing piles of presents people aren't so bothered about makes me sad. Probably my Puritan side coming out ;)

FFS a kid wanting presents at christmas isn't grabby

But a kid that expects it before its been given is. A kid that understands that there may be one present redistributed because his aunt's decided to do a lovely thing...may just feel ok, even good about it instead of distraught like the many kids on here will be...

Giving money to a worthy cause is a fantastic thing to do.

Not giving your nieces and nephews anything for Xmas is not good. Even if they are truly spoiled rotten, the gifts are symbolic of your bond with them. You don't have to spend a lot on something frivolous. But the exchange in itself is an important gesture. Give them a book, colourful socks, etc. But do give them something because you are their aunt and they mean something to you. The exchange of gifts draws a circle around an in-group and all the rest are an out-group. Your DN&Ns should not be an "out-group."

Of course their are families who create their own traditions that are a bit different from the norm. You tried doing this, but you weren't able to bring your sister and her family along to your POV on this one.

X-post

But the OP has lost something - she's the only one who has!
The sister has no gift from OP but she does have the money she'd have spent on OP's gifts. Net gain/loss to sister = 0. Or slight gain from having a nice charitable sister in her life actually.

Today 16:35 bettyberry

"The 'PRESENTS' belong to the OP because she has not given them yet so no, she isn't giving away their presents. They are only 'theirs' once they have been gifted. "

I don't understand posts like this. Who cares what the definition of a gift is? How is it relevant? We're not in a court of law. Life isn't black and white like this, people have expectations, traditions and things they are comfortable with.

Omg what the fuck have I done.

It's not a net loss to the sister's family, it's a wash. They don't receive but they are excused from giving as well. Hence, they are out no money for the exchange and can spend it on whatever they choose, just at the OP is choosing to budget her funds differently this year.

This ^

Her sister hasn't lost out on anything. She isn't getting presents off OP but she doesn't need to buy OP presents either. What don't people understand about this?

Christmas is not "all about the kids" though, it's about the birth of Christ and about love and sharing and family. If Dsis can't see that you are acting in the spirit of Christmas, tough really. Surely she would be able to spend the cash she no longer has to on you and your ds to treat her own kids and self to even more commercial tat therefore no one loses out?

Flat, are you flapping because of some of the replies?

You have
a) done something really nice for the hospice
b) done something to teach all the family about the meaning of Xmas
c) done a favour for the planet.

Don't beat yourself up. In fact, you've inspired me. I still have 2 or 3 people left in my life who insist on doing gifts and I'm thinking I will dare to broach the subject again because it's really silly and their gifts end up in the charity shop anyway.

OP, honestly, ignore the we-demand-presents brigade. The way your sister has reacted speaks volumes and, IMO, is the most important point here. Even if she's disappointed, she had the option to behave like a grown-up and she has not taken it.

Flat I think it's fine!!!

We dont do neice nephew presents on one side of the family - mutual agreement, send everyone a box of chocolates or pay for lunch out and be done with it.

They just want stuff, the hospice NEEDS donations.
They are being grabby if they expect stuff. And this "you've donated their presents" stuff is utter nonsense

Lorelei9 yes I am flapping because of some of the replies.

Outaboutnowt- everyone understands that. I doubt there is anyone on the thread who doesn't.

But the OPS sister just gets told not to buy presents for her sister and nephew and she has to comply and be grateful? That's not on. She hasn't been involved in the decision and doesn't like it.

A better thing to do would've been to ask the sister to make the donation on the OPs behalf with the money that would've been spent on OPs presents. What's so hard to understand about that?

OP why not just leave her a message saying you realised you jumped the gun and shouldn't have changed the Christmas tradition without agreeing and you're sorry?

All I can say is wow... I wish I'd thought of this. Will discuss this with DH with a view to doing something similar next year. I think it's a lovely idea OP.