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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
derxa · 24/12/2015 21:49

And both my mother and father died of cancer. I don't care about your gift to a hospice. It's all about virtue signalling.

FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 21:50

Derxa
Merry christmas to you.

OP posts:
derxa · 24/12/2015 21:54

and you FlatOnThe Hill I'm really not trying to be unkind. I'm probably a lot older than you and world weary.My dad died this year of cancer. he ended up in a lovely local cottage hospital not a hospice.
Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow x

FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 22:01

Im sorry for all your losses Derxa
This time of year must make it all the more painful. I should have done things differently looking back and hopefully the new year will reunite me and my sister.
Im 48 by the way so probably quite old in some peoples eyes
Wishing you a lovely day too xx

OP posts:
derxa · 24/12/2015 22:04

Have a lovely day my darlingx

Queenbean · 25/12/2015 00:09

Merry Christmas flat Wine xx

ChishandFips33 · 25/12/2015 06:59

Merry Christmas everyone
FWIW OP I think (in your sisters eyes) you were going to be damned if you didn't gift and damned if you gifted more frugally in order to still donate something
Hoping you do reunite and put it behind you
All the best!

Damselindestress · 25/12/2015 11:28

Merry Christmas everyone. FlatOnTheHill the Christmas season can be stressful and emotions run high, I hope this all blows over and you and your sister are able to reunite in the new year.

Elllicam · 25/12/2015 18:07

Merry Christmas. This thread has actually inspired me to give to charity :) so water aid thanks you

redstrawberry10 · 25/12/2015 21:42

I grew up in a christian country (tradition wise, america) but my family is not from a christian country so I never grew up with the christmas tradition. DP did though. I like certain parts of it a lot (the singing, the music, the togetherness, the visiting, the cheer etc etc) but can't stand the presents. Despise that part of the tradition, and this thread is part of the reason why. Amongst many problems of buying tat (yes, secret santa is the worst of it). people think they are owed presents, and usually terrible presents at that. The OP's sister (and her defenders here) make me glad I barely participate in this part of the holiday.

LittleBeautyBelle · 26/12/2015 19:17

This thread is still going, with the OP's sister cast as a sullen greedy materialistic tat-lover who has sulked for five weeks because OP refused to give her three tiny token presents to rest victoriously upon her grasping entitled children's "they have everything" already massive pile of useless mountains of throw away gifts.

I don't believe this is about presents at all. In reading the many posts of the OP, I don't get any sense of loving fondness on OP's part toward her nephews, whom are still pretty young children. There is a sense instead of resentment and contempt from the OP toward her sister and her sister's children. OP has alluded to her sister's apparently happy home life which wants for nothing, all material needs and desires fully endowed with her children pampered and entitled little brats who don't need presents for Christmas in comparison to her own 15 year old ds who is mature, nonmaterialistic (but still worthy and deserving of materialistic presents though), and is not like those awful cousins of his, he sees the beauty of OP's generous sacrifice of nephews' gift fund to a charity. OP's struggle as a single mother is also humbly offered as a noble contrast to her sister's paved way of ease.

Envy is kind of an ugly vice so the person who envies often covers resentful jabs with a veneer of virtue. This withholding of presents, which is really not about presents but about the withholding of genuine love and regard for the sister and her children, is OP's way of taking a little jab at her sister and looking noble while she's doing it.

If, as OP suggests, her sister could easily buy whatever she wanted for her children herself, then that puts the lie to the accusation that the sister is greedy for "more" presents. In truth, I would bet the sister wants the sentiment, not the gift. She wants to know that OP has a sincere regard for her children. That missing regard, replaced with OP's cold logic that OP's nephews need absolutely nothing from their aunt at Christmas, not even a homely bag of homemade cookies, not even an experience of some kind that doesn't cost money that the aunt could share with her nephews with love, no, the OP refuses to "give" anything at all, under the guise of a noble charity announcement, with OP pretending to not understand why her sister was upset, is what has escalated this to the sister not even willing to speak to OP, what good would it do? OP is noble, sister is materialistic twat lover, and that is that, according to OP. Sister has no choice but to leave OP to the warmth and heat of her noble gesture. Out of all the myriad ways OP could have budgeted this donation, which is a very worthy donation and no one disputes that, she chose to budget it from her nephews' present money, to make a statement, to take a little jab at her sister, accusing her sister that she only wants presents because she is materialistic and grabby, while OP is giving from her small income to help people in true need; that cold, calculated "noble" gesture with the underlying dismissiveness toward her young children who "need nothing" whatsoever according to their aunt, is what the sister is upset about. The sister senses the OP's resentment toward her children, you can take that to the bank.

eastwest · 26/12/2015 19:29
Confused
XiCi · 26/12/2015 20:11

Great post Belle
Absolutely sums up the OPs situation to a tee

redstrawberry10 · 26/12/2015 20:29

That missing regard, replaced with OP's cold logic that OP's nephews need absolutely nothing from their aunt at Christmas, not even a homely bag of homemade cookies, not even an experience of some kind that doesn't cost money that the aunt could share with her nephews with love, no, the OP refuses to "give" anything at all,

has the OP refused to bake cookies?

flippinada · 26/12/2015 20:51

It's not a great post at all XiCi. It's thoroughly spiteful and mean-spirited and (with my cynical hat on) looks like a pretty blatant attempt to shit-stir.

Btw, did you not say upthread that you thought OP's heart was in the right place, but she'd gone about things the wrong way? Apologies if I've got the wrong poster.

candykane25 · 26/12/2015 22:05

I can see Belles point.
My DNs also want for nothing.
However I love them, love seeing them smile and making them laugh.
I am invested in their future, I want them to be happy.
I bought them silly inexpensive gifts and enjoyed their company on Christmas Day, playing with them.
Not that's it's anybody business but I also support charities, with my time as well as money and through sponsorship by performing challenges in return for freely given donations.
The message I want my own child to grow up with is that a gift should be giving freely, with no strings attached.
OP is free to do whatever they likes but they have made some very arch comments, one that particular made me wince was hoping that another poster would never need a hospice themselves. It wasn't pleasant.

flippinada · 26/12/2015 22:15

That's how I feel about my DNs too :).

I think OP has acknowledged that maybe she could have handled things better and no, the hospice comment was not a nice thing to say but she was being accused of all sorts so I'm not surprised she got a bit snappy.

FlatOnTheHill · 27/12/2015 18:44

LittleBeauty
Read your comment in disbelief. You sound like a very poor would be therapist.
So wrong its unreal. You have read so much into my post to the point of making stuff up yourself!!

OP posts:
FlatOnTheHill · 27/12/2015 18:52

LittleBeauty
Have re-read your comment and can honestly say you are dangerous in your assumptions of my thinking. Never ever assume what others are thinking. Because that is what you have done.
I honestly hope you are not in a profession whereby you have to make decisions on other peoples lives because god help them!

OP posts:
leopardgecko · 27/12/2015 20:53

Just before Christmas I went out with enough money to buy presents for my two nephews and a DVD that I wanted myself. I saw a charity collector for a subject I am most concerned with. I donated the money I would have used for the DVD I wanted. I never thought to tell anyone or made a big deal of it, I just did it. I could have donated the money for my two nephews presents too, but realised that would have been MY choice of charity and not theirs. They might have totally objected to my choice of charity and preferred another one. So not only would I have made the decision not to give them gifts, but also I would have made the decision which charity would have benefited from their lack of presents.

On a slightly different subject my husband work involves investigating charities. There are sadly several well known charities that he knows some very unpleasant facts about and would not donate to them if his life depended on it. And the thought of other's donating to them would be their decision but if someone did it in his name he would be furious as he knows of their underhand tactics.

So I guess I am saying gifts to charity has to be a very personal thing. I also think if giving the money that would have been set aside for 'someone else', then the wishes of the 'someone else' should be taken into account too.

candykane25 · 27/12/2015 21:32

Flat, you have made assumptions yourself in this thread.
You have also assumed your nephews have enough stuff.
You have a very dictatorial and controlling tone in quite a few of your posts.
I'm not a professional. It's an observation.
You asked to be observed when you posted in AIBU.

FlatOnTheHill · 27/12/2015 22:02

Candy
You say 'i asked to be observed' when i started this thread. What a strange thing to say!
My last comment was directed at another poster and not yourself.
And please do not think i assume my nephews have enough.
My nephews, like my son never go without. With regards to another posters comments. To think I am jealous of my sister is a ridiculous assumption. We normally enjoy a close bond as mentioned before. And as for the idea i am financially struggling is ridiculous. The reason i have not had a holiday is because i have moved home and bought a new car. So to say i am jealous and financially struggling is a made up assumption. Why is it when someone posts a thread and asks for an opinion whether it be in their favour or not they get a few idiots that think they are psychologists and give you a character assassination when in fact we know nothing on here of each others lives.

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 27/12/2015 22:21

if your sister isn't picking up the phone why not write or email; don't let it fester and make the first move even if you think she should,
I think YABU in one way by being tactless and unilateral and she is also BU by not speaking.

if you have been close for 48ish years you can sort itout. nothing you have said indicates that she is generally PITA so you have probably unintentionally hurt her and now she is being childish just send a card saying sorry for the " you might need a f++ hospice one day" comment, you are not saying sorry for giving to hospice just for the way you handled it

FlatOnTheHill · 27/12/2015 22:28

Teacup
I called her today, she picked up the phone and we have had a lovely in-depth but not too deep chat. All is ok. I am going to see her tomorrow.

OP posts:
Damselindestress · 27/12/2015 22:58

So glad to hear you and your sister are speaking. I hope all goes well tomorrow.

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