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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 16:49

OP, are you reading the ones that agree with you, too?

ObviouslyaNameChangeforthisOne · 23/12/2015 16:50

It's hardly called a gift if it's something you have to do, what a weird attitude.

Alice, Xmas is loaded with obligations. It's filled with norms and weird customs and people pretending not to care/expect, when they do. I think it is pretty clear. We sometimes marvel at people in "other" cultures needing to "save face" or who go into debt for dowries they cannot afford, etc. but we cannot see ourselves clearly. Look around at all the people who get into debt every Xmas and take months to dig out, if they can at all. They are driven to it by the weight of expectation.

I would be the first person to agree that we should all unilaterally disarm from the Xmas arms race. But, to pretend that their are no obligations, expectations, or pressures, seems faux naive to me.

GirlOverboard · 23/12/2015 16:50

The sister might not have lost anything financially. But exchanging presents isn't just some financial transaction. She and her kids have lost the fun and the warm feeling of exchanging gifts with her family member.

Whereas the OP might have lost out financially. But she didn't seem to care about receiving presents anyway. And she gets a warm feeling from giving to charity. So they're pretty much even I would say.

perfumedlife · 23/12/2015 16:52

I truly would stand your ground here FlatOnTheHill. We were just saying how difficult it is to find presents for everyone because no one needs anything! . We're buying for the sake of it, kids get things as and when they need these days, unlike ourselves when we were younger. I remember waiting all year for a record player and being beyond excited. The gifts from aunts and uncles never registered, it was nice to get but I don't remember a single thing they gave. I do remember the distant relative who donated to a dog sanctuary all these years later and still admire her gesture. She ended her days very well cared for in a hospice. I would love to do as you just have and may just broach this with my family in time for next Christmas.

lorelei9 · 23/12/2015 16:52

Flat - I'm fairly sure I haven't misunderstood anything here
you all have enough in your family and you gave your family plenty of notice, yes?

You have done nothing wrong. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion but so are you. You could post anything here and get several different responses.

If people really feel the need to buy you and your son gifts, they can actually do that any time they like. If people feel traditions have been upset, tell them that you are creating a tradition of charity at Christmas. I really fail to see how anyone can not understand that.

there may have been other ways of handling it - you could have said "donate to this charity instead of gifts please" - but your overall sentiment and intention is so thoroughly decent, it's cheered me up a bit on a day when everything seems totally ridiculous. So thanks! And my local hospice does excellent work too btw. hospices are so much more important than yet more plastic tat.

Outaboutnowt · 23/12/2015 16:55

A better thing to do would've been to ask the sister to make the donation on the OPs behalf with the money that would've been spent on OPs presents. What's so hard to understand about that?

But how is that any better? If it's buying presents that her sister enjoys then donating to charity instead wouldn't be what she wanted to do and would also break the 'tradition'

So it boils down to: her sister wants material presents and has thrown a childish strop because she isn't getting any from OP. Despite the fact she will have saved money by not buying OP presents she's still sulking, 5 weeks later?
I actually think the way she has behaved is embarrassing.

gleam · 23/12/2015 16:57

I think the sister not talking to you for 5 weeks, shows the depth of her feeling about this, op. Especially in the context of your hitherto very close relationship. She is hurt.

Perhaps send a card, apologising for the 'you might need a fucking hospice' remark?

ealingwestmum · 23/12/2015 16:57

Actually OP, if you've had a lightbulb moment of seeing this from your sis's POV on the sentiments of tradition, and you feel you have devalued this bit, then you need to talk to her. And say this.

This does not change that she has also behaved badly - but you were both once close and it can't be easy to hear a bunch of strangers say she's a bitch for not getting it. Ignore us, but try and stay true to why you decided upon such a change, listen to each other on why it went down badly, and you both might get the balance right for next year (or this if you work quick?!). The 'its about the kids' isn't enough for you clearly, as you felt compelled to do something that was dear to your heart (ignore the criticism on timing/impact on family etc from MN) and try and go from there.

Your intentions were sound. Your execution has been challenged, but that's because you underestimated your sister not getting it and different values on the gift giving/receiving bit.

good luck.

90sforever · 23/12/2015 16:59

"A better thing to do would've been to ask the sister to make the donation on the OPs behalf with the money that would've been spent on OPs presents. What's so hard to understand about that?

But how is that any better? If it's buying presents that her sister enjoys then donating to charity instead wouldn't be what she wanted to do and would also break the 'tradition'

So it boils down to: her sister wants material presents and has thrown a childish strop because she isn't getting any from OP. Despite the fact she will have saved money by not buying OP presents she's still sulking, 5 weeks later?
I actually think the way she has behaved is embarrassing."

Because then the sister has the opportunity to say no, I don't want to make a donation I want to buy presents if that's what she wants. Why should she have the choice taken away from her? It's her Xmas too

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 16:59

OP, ignore the greedsters.

I think among other things, taking a year out of the gift exchange madness is certainly a way to separate the wheat from the chaff. Now you know whose good wishes have strings attached and whose do not.

To those who say it's the symbolism that counts, I call BS. Why can't the family bond over a meal, or reading "A Christmas Carol" aloud, or walking out to see the holiday lights? Why is it only possible to feel cared for it you're given a parcel to rip into?

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 17:00

90sforever. When i initially phoned and told sister what I was doing she said "do you expect me to donate to charity then"
I said absolutely NOT. What you do is up to you.
But we do NOT expect any gifts (ie myself and DS)
DS is 15 by the way and was happy to receive no gift. I discussed it with him.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 17:00

I think the sister not talking to you for 5 weeks, shows the depth of her feeling about this

Pah hah hah hah. It shows the depth of her greediness and childishness, more like.

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 17:01

Now you know whose good wishes have strings attached and whose do not.

Very good point.

TheBestChocolateIsFree · 23/12/2015 17:06

I can see why the sister is upset. I think present giving between brother/sister/uncle/aunt/niece/nephew is a fun part of our Christmas tradition, and I'd be somewhat disappointed to recieve a unilateral declaration that this has been forbidden because we should all be doing something better with our money. What next? MaccyD's for Christmas dinner? After all I'm sure Save the Children could make better use of the money I spent on food and wine, and we definitely don't need all those excess calories.

However, the key phrase is "I'd be somewhat disappointed". You will notice that I did not say "I'd throw a massive strop and go NC with my much loved sibling". It's a matter of taste in which I happen to disagree with the OP. It's not the start of WWIII.

minipie · 23/12/2015 17:06

On the fence here

My family do charity donations instead of presents but only for the adults. Kids on both sides

I think it's fine for OP to do a charity donation instead of adult gifts but I'm not so sure about not getting the nieces and nephews gifts. Especially since OP is getting her own son gifts, so clearly she does recognise that gifts mean a lot to children...

OP could you compromise and take a bit out of the donation to get something small for your sister's children, and therefore meet your sister part way?

minipie · 23/12/2015 17:07

Kids on both sides get presents

LittleBeautyBelle · 23/12/2015 17:08

Dear Sister,

I'm sorry I hurt you. My intention was to give to a charity that is close to my heart. That, coupled with Christmas seeming to me in general to have become more about presents that end up in the bin than useful gifts, led me to donate the money to a charity that could be helpful to people like the friends I know who have had to deal with a hospice situation this year.

The decision I made didn't take into account that my family would feel hurt. I see now that perhaps I should have budgeted the donation differently. I would like to give my nieces and nephews gifts that show them I love them and are also meaningful and useful to them. Would you mind giving me some suggestions?

I love you. Please forgive me and I hope to spend Christmas with all of you whom I love more than anything.

OP

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 17:10

Onlylovers yes I am reading them all. Perhaps i should have handled it differently. Im not one for treading on eggshells so just told her and other family members what I was doing. All the others were ok except for her. I just have reached 48 years old and sometimes look upon xmas and how greedy and me me me it has become. Just wanted to give in a different way this year.

OP posts:
whattheseithakasmean · 23/12/2015 17:10

I think the important thing is to find a way to reconnect with your sister. £200 to a hospice is a drop in the ocean and certainly not worth losing a long standing loving family relationship over.

Yes, your sister 'may need a fucking hospice one day' (charming), but perhaps your son may also really need his aunt one day, if anything happened to you. I would always put my family before any institutionalised charity (where much of your donation has probably gone on the CEO's salary...).

Time to eat humble pie and admit you made a misjudgement, with the best of intentions. Buy you sister and her children some token gifts from charity shops (Oxfam have a lovely range of gifts) and give them with love and a kind heart. Christmas is about family and family is too precious to throw away lightly.

ilovesooty · 23/12/2015 17:10

I don't think you have done anything wrong and I wouldn't be contacting a sister who'd stropped off for five weeks either.

ealingwestmum · 23/12/2015 17:13

15yr old DC muttering under breath: FFS, why doesn't she ever ask what I want, or just give me cash, or if she has to, decent vouchers? But smiles sweetly, saying thanks so much Aunty Flat, love it!

Sulks off as he/she chucks the present under the obscene pile of discarded wrapping paper.

There's that tradition that we hold in such high esteem...

ObviouslyaNameChangeforthisOne · 23/12/2015 17:13

OP, I've tried in the most neutral, objective way I know to explain why your sister might be upset, and why your idea might have backfired.

You can have your spine stiffened, by all the "Puritans" on here. You can decide you were right and your sister is wrong and greedy and horrible.

Personally, I think I would try to see your sister's POV. I don't think she is greedy and horrible. I think she is a very normal, average sort of person when it comes to Xmas. You were looking for a radical shift in your family's Xmas traditions, and she wasn't quite there yet. My relationship with my sister would mean much more to me than having to be right and make her wrong in the process. It seems clear that you tried to do something new and different with good intentions and it hurt your sister's feelings. Putting that right is far more important than being morally "bigged-up" by a bunch of us strangers on the internet.

You love her. She matters more than the moral high ground.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 17:14

Minipie i have already given the donation.
Littlebeauty, that is sweet. But do i really have to be forgiven for giving to a hospice?

OP posts:
flippinada · 23/12/2015 17:16

Flat please, please don't feel bad - you've done something very kind and generous Flowers. There's no call for some of the unpleasant responses you've had on here.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/12/2015 17:16

Flat, did you read my posts? You have given someone the joy I had when I had nothing and 37 years later I still remember it.

You have done nothing wrong. Your sister is annoyed because she wanted presents. Is she two? She does not have to buy you anything. There is no need for her strop and no need for posters to make you feel bad.