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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
ginnybag · 23/12/2015 15:04

Oh, dear lord.... no-one is ever entitled to a present!

I think you've been perfectly reasonable. You gave plenty of notice that you were doing this instead of taking part in the tat-exchange, you made it clear you weren't expecting any presents back, and it sounds like a lovely gesture.

Depending on the ages of the neices, I might get them a token something, if they're too young to understand, but other than that, she's daft. Either way, it's not worth a five-week-strop.

Queenbean · 23/12/2015 15:07

Why are so many people not understanding this? It's pretty bloody simple to understand.

Op is essentially saying "do not buy me any Christmas presents this year" and in return, isn't buying any for anyone else. Instead, she's donating the money to charity.

She's not on some big swizz, trying to con her sister out of presents while all the while greedily collecting her presents with a big smug "aren't I generous" smile on her face. She gave them plenty of notice and has requested NO PRESENTS back.

SundayGirl86 · 23/12/2015 15:08

I also don't get this 'you are making them donate the presents they'd usually get from you' either. That smacks of entitlement and greed.

I don't know anyone who demands presents of others anyway and you have given them plenty of notice of what you're doing. If I were your family I would be also donating the equivalent of what I would have spent on you to the same hospice.

OP this is a wonderful choice to make this Christmas and the gift you will be giving to those who need it is immense. Good for you. Ignore your sister.

whois · 23/12/2015 15:13

it's your money - spend it how you like - but I think it is forcing them to donate - really you have donate nothing - just spent money you would have spent anyway

Exactly.

90sforever · 23/12/2015 15:14

But queenbean her family want presents. And they're not getting them because the hospice is getting the money instead. I would be really pissed off if you were my sister, I don't care whether you told me not to get you presents or told me about it in September.

Instead of the present exchanging (which I want to do) you're donating to a charity of your choice. It's one sided and you're backing her into a corner whereby complaining about it makes her look like an uncharitable grabby Scrooge and you look like a generous Christmas angel

Chewbecca · 23/12/2015 15:15

I think it might have been better to ask people to donate the hospice in place of gifts to you this year. & then you could also have said you'd be happy to do same in place of their presents.

It feels like a bit of a unilateral decision made by you. It's a good decision, don't get me wrong, but perhaps could have been approached differently.

PoppyBlossom · 23/12/2015 15:18

Why not make it about ending gift buying between you and your family because you don't believe it to be of any significant Importance, and keep your charitable donation to yourself.

mintoil · 23/12/2015 15:20

YANBU - DSIS sound pretty entitled.

Queenbean · 23/12/2015 15:22

But queenbean her family want presents. And they're not getting them because the hospice is getting the money instead.

Why don't they use the money that they are saving on not buying op presents to buy themselves things then?

OldFarticus · 23/12/2015 15:22

I think YANBU and I wish more people would do the same. OP's family are of course able to donate the money they would have spent on OP to the hospice as well - which would be the decent thing to do imo. Or another charity of their choice.

I sound like my mother but Christmas is turning into a comedy grabbyfest when it comes to gifts. We have done charity donations instead of presents for all adults for at least the last 7 years. Nobody should feel entitled to a present (particularly from someone like the OP who has made it clear she does not expect one).

howabout · 23/12/2015 15:25

YANBU but in your position I would have tried to negotiate a no gift giving policy with your sister based on the fact both families have everything they need and get plenty parcels already. Giving to charity funds you would have otherwise spent is then a separate private issue.

I think this is a small family problem. If you have siblings all over the country with various family configurations the urge to get hung up on equivalent gift exchange is much lower.

ealingwestmum · 23/12/2015 15:28

Lots of suggestions on how to complicate a simple, honest gesture.

You did it just right OP. It's your sister's problem, not yours. Good to hear the rest of your family don't think it's weird. And you have shown your kids it's not all about me me me, a kind gesture in today's world.

Don't feel shit - you did a really nice thing.

Poppy's suggestion is not bad - did that with my BIL and only went 5 years of him not talking to us though so again no guarantees on how it's perceived...he's talking to us again now!

AndNowItsSeven · 23/12/2015 15:29

Yabu not buying presents for your nieces/nephews. The better thing to do would have been to spend £10 each on them. Say no presents for adults and give the £170 to charity without the fanfare.

Youarentkiddingme · 23/12/2015 15:31

Why are people saying OP is making people donate their gifts? A gift is a gift - something given to you from someone. A gift is given without the expectation of reciprocation.

In this instance he OP has said "I'm not giving gifts this Christmas - please don't gift me anything".

The problem isn't the OPs lovely gesture to those in need of palliative care it's the commercialisation that Christmas has become.

specialsubject · 23/12/2015 15:33

she hasn't spoken to you for FIVE WEEKS over this?

that's a diva-strop and then some. What a spoilt brat.

'I want presents! I want presents!' Is she 12?

the madness of tat-mas.

ExConstance · 23/12/2015 15:34

You can do what you want with your own money. I try to give a bit to charity and treat my relations. If, say, my brother did what you had done I'd simply keep the money I would have spent on him and treated myself
to something nice. No one has "everything" with thought there is always a book, something hobby related etc. that you can find for them. It sounds like the Oxfam Goat situation really. I'd be more impressed if you said you were not going on holiday and had given the money to charity i.e. deprived yourself than deprived your relations.

KakiFruit · 23/12/2015 15:35

Why are so many people not understanding this? It's pretty bloody simple to understand.

I'm also struggling to understand the entitlement and greed of these posters who think presents are theirs before they are even bought. Reminds me of the people who wait for their parents to die so they can get "their" inheritance.

DinosaursRoar · 23/12/2015 15:40

I think that actually, you would have been better to tell them you didn't want any gifts from them, but for them to donate what they would have spent on you to the hospice, and to let you know if they would rather you gave money to the hospice in leiu of a gift from you. Given them the chance to decide if they wanted to just stop the gift exchange tradition.

What you've done instead, is just decide by yourself that you are going to stop the family tradition, deciding for them that they have enough 'stuff', that seems a lot to just inform someone of, rather than sound them out first and decide if they think it would be a good idea or not.

Bit late now. It might be nice to say sorry for not asking your DSis first if she was happy to end family traditional gift exchanges.

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 15:41

YANBU and what a nice thing to do.

I wouldn't bother trying to contact your sister any more. You've tried hard enough and she'd rather sulk. So be it.

Hmm at all those saying the family have been 'deprived' of 'their' presents and she's only doing it to look good. Have a word with yourselves, eh.

ealingwestmum · 23/12/2015 15:41

Agree 100% KakiFruit

KakiFruit · 23/12/2015 15:41

You do not have to ask someone if it's okay for you to not buy them a gift. Hmm

Natkingcole9 · 23/12/2015 15:42

it's your money - spend it how you like - but I think it is forcing them to donate - really you have donate nothing - just spent money you would have spent anyway

This hits the nail on the head.
What you did OP is brilliant, whatever way the hospice gets the money doesn't really matter.. However you posted in AIBU and a few posters have pointed out why your sister thinks you're being unreasonable and you aren't welcome to this. But again, I'm all for giving money to charity, but you're not poor (as you have mentioned) so perhaps you could've bought your family a token gifts. Christmas is about cherishing family and showing them we care aswell as giving to charity. Smile

ptumbi · 23/12/2015 15:42

Why are you buying for adults that 'have everything' anyway? I stopped buying for sister/brother/aunts etc as soon as we all had kids to buy for.

And I've asked for Oxfam goats before from MIL who buys shop-fuls of 'stuff' we don't want or need.

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 15:43

The notion that somehow the OP is donating money that her family members are rightfully entitled to is just beyond crazy. She is NOT "donating their presents." No one is entitled to a gift or "deprived" because they do not receive one. How nuts!

Now, in hindsight, the OP should probably just have said "We are simplifying the way we celebrate and won't be exchanging gifts this year so please don't get us anything" and then privately made her donation to hospice. Not that she should have to justify what she does, but the less information you give to entitled brats like the sister, the less they can portray themselves as victims.

I would make your new method an annual tradition, OP, because clearly your sister and her family are too greedy to waste your effort and funds on.

90sforever · 23/12/2015 15:44

"*But queenbean her family want presents. And they're not getting them because the hospice is getting the money instead.

Why don't they use the money that they are saving on not buying op presents to buy themselves things then?*"

Because they want the kind of Christmas they're used to- a standard present exchanging affair

OP why didn't you tell them to donate the money they would've spent on your presents to the hospice so you were going without something for the donation? The effect is the same it just means you wouldn't have upset anyone.

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