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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 15:46

for those who seem to be confused about the definition of gift

Oxford

noun
1A thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present: a Christmas gift [as modifier]: a gift shop

It's absurd to think the OP has to ask her sister's permission to stop a voluntary exchange of presents.

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 15:47

90s, they're upset because they're being entitled and greedy, IMO.

mowglik · 23/12/2015 15:47

OP maybe your sister has already bought presents and is a bit put out that there won't be the usual present exchange and also her kids may miss out. It is a shame and I think giving family presents is a lovely thing in itself. You could always spend a bit less and give them small presents anyway.

I can kind of see it from your sisters perspective - not about the value of the presents, more the act of giving to each other

I do think though its a bit cheeky of you to donate money you had initially put aside to spend on your family. You get to feel good about donating and doing your bit at no real expense to yourself as its money you would have spent anyway.

mowglik · 23/12/2015 15:48

90s I agree asking them to donate your present money on your behalf would have been a nicer way to do it without depriving family of presents.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/12/2015 15:49

YANBU

One of my happiest memories, as a child in care, was the red and blue teaset I was given at a Christmas party back in the 70's no doubt donated by someone with kindness in their heart like you and not selfishness and thoughtlessness like your sister.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 15:49

To those that think ive done this to appear to be the xmas angel you are wrong. I have given to the hospice because those poor souls and their families need it more than my family. I have seen first hand the wonderful work they do. My sister and family had plenty of notice and I ask nothing in return. They will be a few presents short this year. Big deal. She has not spoken to me for 5 weeks because of this. That is my point here. Im not trying to appear the goody twoshoes but wanted to know if my sister was wrong for being so nasty.

OP posts:
Queenbean · 23/12/2015 15:50

90s

You're really begrudging the money spent towards terminally ill people in a hospice, possible children, because it means that the op's sister has to go out and buy things that she actually wants, not tat that is foisted on her? Really?! What a childish, selfish approach. No one is entitled to presents, ever.

ealingwestmum · 23/12/2015 15:51

Op's sister still would still have probably taken umbrage at her precious ones not receiving a gift even if donation to hospice was being done privately...lose lose situation unfortunately for OP me thinks.

If you're close to a sibling...then they're going to challenge why the change, surely?

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 15:51

Mowglik my family are not deprived. If they were then it would be a different story.

OP posts:
90sforever · 23/12/2015 15:52

So accept all the responses - I think your sister is right. I would be pissed off too. It's not entitled and grabby- the vast vast majority of people on their thread will buy for family and receive from them because that's what you do. Only on MN could someone be labelled entitled for expecting the normal Christmas set up to continue.

LittleBeautyBelle · 23/12/2015 15:52

OP, your gesture is very noble. I think using the money that was always set aside to buy presents for your sister's children is the issue. Why not give up the money that you use for extras or activities for yourself? You are elevating yourself as a noble person because you are donating the money for your sister's children's presents to charity? If you were donating money that you would normally spend on yourself, then that would be noble. Then further, not announcing to everyone that you're doing it would be even more so.

I think you've missed the mark here. You have the right to do as you please with your money and giving to charity is a noble cause. That said, announcing to your family that you're unselfishly donating the money for your sister's children's presents to charity is not likely to gain you any respect or good will. In fact, your actions are a little cringeworthy and smack of self righteousness. After all, where is your sacrifice in this? Nothing. You announced that you are taking the money that you use to buy presents for your sister's children and nobly giving it to charity. That "sacrifice" doesn't touch you, it affects others. A true sacrifice would be to save up the money you use to buy extras for yourself, or a new piece of clothing, or movie tickets, or whatever it is that you can deny yourself, and give that.

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 15:52

To say the OP is "cheeky" for not spending money she could have, had she wanted to, spend on family is just beyond ridiculous. I could spend $5,000 on my sister if I really wanted to - but guess what, I am donating about that much to charity before year-end. Does she have the right to get upset about it? And does the fact that I "could have" spent the money on her mean that I am not really "out" the money I give to charity? That I give it "at no real expense to myself" ?? Makes no sense whatsoever!

Anyone greedy and grasping enough to lay claim to my funds or how I spend them is NOT someone I would care to exchange gifts with. The OP gave her sister more than a month's notice that she was not interested in receiving or giving claptrap no one really needs. That is plenty.

ealingwestmum · 23/12/2015 15:52

Yes. She's wrong. SO wrong!

Goingtobeawesome · 23/12/2015 15:55

She says Christmas is about the children. Well it should be about all children. A neighbour passed away recently. Her two small children are facing their first Christmas without their mother. The hospice she passed away in would be very grateful as they are there to support the whole family, including the children about to lose their parent.

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 15:57

LittleBeautyBelle, you overlook the fact that she is ALSO opting out of receiving gifts for herself and her children. (i.e. the "sacrifice" you speak of).

It's not a net loss to the sister's family, it's a wash. They don't receive but they are excused from giving as well. Hence, they are out no money for the exchange and can spend it on whatever they choose, just at the OP is choosing to budget her funds differently this year.

Honestly, I had no idea there were so many entitled and selfish people out there. My family members URGE one another to make charity donations in lieu of transferring more stuff forth and back.

ButImNotTheOnlyOne · 23/12/2015 16:00

I don't understand why people donate to charity instead of buying presents or cards for other people.

Why not donate at any other time of year instead of buying clothes or luxuries for yourself (like the rest of us do)

Or would that mean not enough people would know about it?

Hexadecimal1 · 23/12/2015 16:01

After all, where is your sacrifice in this? Nothing. You announced that you are taking the money that you use to buy presents for your sister's children and nobly giving it to charity. That "sacrifice" doesn't touch you, it affects others.

She has requested that no one buys her gifts. So her sister can take the money that she was going to spend on the op and spend it on herself instead.

Her sister isn't losing out on anything - she's not receiving anything but she isn't spending anything either

DamsenBerry · 23/12/2015 16:01

I think that's a really lovely idea, well done you. YANBU.

Natkingcole9 · 23/12/2015 16:02

It makes me cringe when people say 'I'm donating X amount to charity' Hmm it still counts if you don't tell the whole world people.

Natkingcole9 · 23/12/2015 16:03

Yes onlyone I agree! It's like Christmas is showtime for casual charity giving.

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 16:03

We do both. I've given $2,000 this year to elephant rescue alone, at the cost of a vacation I would have liked to take, for example. And about 10 other carefully selected charities also receive annual gifts from my household.

In my extended family we don't need to "consume, consume, consume" in order to demonstrate our affection for one another. We can do so with words and gestures and shared good times that do not involve manufactured goods.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 16:04

Its not just my sisters kids its adullts too that will not be getting any. Feel like shit now.

OP posts:
KakiFruit · 23/12/2015 16:05

90sforever Most of the responses are with the OP, so why should she "accept" yours?

Most people on this thread would not go mad and refuse to speak to someone for 5 weeks because they thought they were entitled to a Christmas present.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 16:06

Natkingcole ive not told the whole world. Im asking the mumsnet opinion i haven't advertised it in the local bloody paper.

OP posts:
Crazypetlady · 23/12/2015 16:07

YANBU in giving the money to charity. However I think you should have brought for the kids as imo you are wrong to tell people not to buy for your son.