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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 23/12/2015 16:07

YANBU
and what a great thing to do, I think it's lovely you did this.

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 16:08

OP, you have done the right thing. Don't let greedy graspers make you feel like shit. If your extended family were in need of coats or shoes or food I am sure you would prioritise them but they aren't. They just want "stuff" and if they are petty and selfish enough to give you the silent treatment because they aren't going to reap what they consider their due, screw them.

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 16:09

Why is she wrong to tell people not to buy for her son?!!!

People are allowed to have their own family ethics and values - no one is obliged to go along with mindless Christmas commercialism, to the point of being ostracized by family if they don't.

candykane25 · 23/12/2015 16:09

There's two points.

Firstly, you are not obliged to buy anybody any presents. You have said don't buy me any. They can spend the money they would have spent in you on their kids instead if they want to. You have given notice of this. That's without the charity donation coming into at all.
Secondly, though, people may think you have made a decision on their behalf without consulting them. So if you had set aside £10 for them and said would you like a gift or would you like to donate to a charity, they would be part of the decision that you have since made about their gift

So I personally wouldn't kick up a fuss about it, I would discuss what you had decided with my DC and ask if they wanted me to spend my allocated gift budget on them or also follow their aunts example and donate to charity? But I do understand being a bit miffed and surprised, even if she could have handled it better.

Natkingcole9 · 23/12/2015 16:10

Still OP you didn't need to throw in how much you were donating etc. Also I agree with the previous poster who said it's unfair of you to tell people not to buy for your son, never thought of that.

lorelei9 · 23/12/2015 16:12

it's actually really nice to hear someone saying "don't give us stuff"

The "stuff" element of this time of year has gone insane.

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 16:12

OP, please don't feel like shit! There are lots of greedy and entitled posts on here. Ignore them. Fuck's sake, people.

90sforever · 23/12/2015 16:12

I'm not saying she should only accept mine I'm saying her sister isn't unusual and plenty of people would feel the same

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 16:13

Do you think plenty of people would flounce off and not speak for five weeks, 90s?

Personally I think that's highly unusual. I'd look very much askance at anyone who behaved like that.

venividivicky · 23/12/2015 16:13

YABU. You are lucky to have a close family and a good relationship with your sister. As others have said, why don't you donate to the hospice as well - nobody's stopping you and of course it's a good cause - but it's sanctimonious and unreasonable to do so at the expense of family tradition.

I can't bear people who boast about their good deeds - it makes me seriously question their motives.

I am sure it's not that your sister is grabby or entitled, just that she probably enjoys giving as much as receiving to her loved ones. I would be upset too in her shoes and it's very sad that this argument has gone on for so long. Please make it up with her before Christmas for all of your sakes.

Life is too short, as you are aware from your experiences. Certainly too short to waste a day longer on this silly squabble. Even if you think you are right it's really not worth losing your sister and your DC's cousins over it.

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 16:15

Please make it up with her before Christmas for all of your sakes.

The OP has been trying to call the sister for five weeks with no response! Doesn't the sister have to at least meet her halfway?

Osolea · 23/12/2015 16:15

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but it don't think your sister is wrong to be upset that you are checking out of one of the most traditional things about Christmas either.

There's something nice about exchanging gifts, although in the midst of my own present choosing/buying/wrapping stress I realise there's something that's a pain in the arse about it too. But I think that knowing someone has thought about you while sorting out your gift is quite special, and by opting out of that it can come across as if you can't be bothered, you want to take the easy option of just making a donation and then being able to feel all superior because you gave to charity.

Personally, I think if you'd asked for your gifts to be charity ones then your sister would have nothing to complain about. But you're telling her not only that her gift will be a charity one, but that she doesn't even get to choose a charity she cares about. That makes a big difference, charity gifts should be linked to the recipient, not the giver, otherwise there is no spirit if giving with the recipient in mind, and that's probably what your sister is hurt about. No, of course no one is entitled to a gift, but to use that as an excuse is a bit of a cop out tbh. Exchanging gifts is a pretty standard thing at Christmas and I don't think it shows a sense of entitlement to think that you and your children are going to get Christmas gifts from your own sister at all.

GirlOverboard · 23/12/2015 16:15

I'd feel a bit sad if my family no longer wanted to exchange Christmas presents with me Sad

I don't care about the monetary value, it's just a nice tradition that I've shared with my family for years and I think it's an important part of Christmas.

You could have compromised with your sister by saying 'I want to cut down on my Christmas spending this year. Can we set a maximum gift budget of £2 per family member?' And then donated the rest to charity. Or you could have spent Christmas day volunteering in a homeless shelter. Or you could have bought your sister presents from a charity shop (therefore donating at the same time) - and donated any gifts you receive to charity.

But hey it's your choice, I just can't help sympathising with your sister a little bit. She is overreacting though. Maybe she thinks you're lying about the charity thing, and you just can't be bothered to buy her any presents this year?

ExConstance · 23/12/2015 16:16

It's not just the money. I remember when I was in my early 20's, I had a good income but when I left to go back home my father would always fill my car up with petrol and give me a tenner to get something to eat on the say back ( not needed!) I felt so sad when I got a bit older and he stopped. It wasn't that I wanted the money but I lost that feeling of really being cared about this little gesture used to bring. I think your sister enjoyed the presents, felt it cemented the relationship between you and this is why she is upset. There is an argument this is a good gesture but you have struck at the heart of Christmas in your family. I absolutely hate it when I get given a sponsorship of a guide dog or the Oxfam type presents.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 16:17

Natkingcole. I thought imwas being fair in not expecting my sister to buy for my son as i was not buying her and the rest of family gifts. I made it all clear so there would be no awkwardness. So what if i threw in how much I donated. Its hardly the earth!

OP posts:
ealingwestmum · 23/12/2015 16:18

Has OP said her son is unhappy with the arrangement? Maybe, he's actually really proud of not receiving gifts from family because his mum has given the option back to family to do something more useful with the money saved like spend more on themselves. But his mum has him covered..and that's enough for him?

Thank fuck the world is not completely full of grabby kids!

DixieNormas · 23/12/2015 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Queenbean · 23/12/2015 16:19

I would have loved to have seen this from the sisters perspective on here:

"Aibu - my sister has been bereaved of some friends over recent years and requested that no one gives her Christmas presents, but in exchange, she won't be giving them either. Instead, she will be making a donation to the local hospice. I think that this is very selfish because Christmas is a tradition to me and I would like her to buy me a present. She did tell us months ago but I'm really annoyed about not receiving a present so I haven't spoken to her in 5 weeks. Aibu?"

She would, rightly, have her arse handed to her on a plate

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 16:20

Exconstance i think you maybe right. You have actually conveyed it so much better than some others.

OP posts:
ObviouslyaNameChangeforthisOne · 23/12/2015 16:20

YABU

I'll explain why I think so.

Gift exchange at Xmas time is a deep seated cultural norm in the British Isles, and for that matter all the nominally Christian world. Gift giving from adults to children is a particularly upheld custom. Looking around, I would say gifts from adults to children is probably more the heart of the matter than the birth of Jesus Christ! I say this based from looking around at people's behaviors, not what they say. In fact, in North West Europe (our "neck of the woods") gift exchange as part of a midwinter festival may well pre-date Christianity.

You then subverted this custom, this norm, by unilaterally deciding to blank your nephews and nieces. Taboo! And you did it elegantly, by donating the money to a worthier cause then them. It's actually not a very nice thing to do.

If you wanted to do something selfless, you would have honored your nieces and nephews with thoughtful, token gifts, and asked for a donation to your chosen charity in lieu of gifts for you and your son.

Outaboutnowt · 23/12/2015 16:20

But queenbean her family want presents. And they're not getting them because the hospice is getting the money instead. I would be really pissed off if you were my sister, I don't care whether you told me not to get you presents or told me about it in September

Is that all Christmas is about now then, presents? Cannot understand people who are only interested in what they will be receiving rather than appreciating a gesture of a donation to charity.

OP, having sat with my nana whilst she died in a hospice and watching the phenomenal care she received, I think what you have done is lovely.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 16:21

Feel such a cunt now. Excuse the vile language

OP posts:
Crazypetlady · 23/12/2015 16:22

FFS a kid wanting presents at christmas isn't grabby.

I don't think the o.p is wrong to have given the money to charity.I just think for children receiving and exchanging presents from family is a good part of christmas. I used to love getting suprises.

Natkingcole9 · 23/12/2015 16:25

You can still make amends with your sister, call her and explain. I'm glad you can see why she was upset. But like I said before, money going to charity is always a good thing Grin

DixieNormas · 23/12/2015 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.