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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
WahhHelpMe · 24/12/2015 15:54

Whilst giving to Charity is a good thing to do ( no good deed is selfless), I can't help but see a lot of the biggest advocates are ruder to the posters (and their POV) and judging than others, so like LeaLander and others saying about self reflection, perhaps they could do the same and think about whilst they may feel a better person or whatever for donating why it stops after the donation and they feel because of tw donation they can put on extra judgey pants

2016IsANewYearforMe · 24/12/2015 15:54

That's the point. The OP understands that gift giving says something about your relationship because she is still giving to her own son. And you understand that it does too because you support that. As an early poster upthread said, it is about where you draw the line. The OP has redrawn the line to exclude her extended family.

Charity giving is good. Linking it to not giving children in the family even a token gift seems perverse to me.

UkmmTheSecond · 24/12/2015 15:54

But you have been allowed to choose what is important to you

Because it's her own money, should she not be allowed to choose what she does with it or who it goes to.

She didn't even get to choose a charity of her choice

She can give her own money that no longer needs to spend on OP to a charity of her choice. OP has already said her sister has said not to expect her to give anything so I don't think that's what's pissing her sis off to be honest.

GirlOverboard · 24/12/2015 16:02

This isn't a case of charity vs. presents. You can easily do both. If you can afford to donate £200 to charity then you must have a spare £5 somewhere. I was in the 99p store the other day and they do some really nice toiletries - Radox bath oil, Yardley body lotion, this face mask which is really good: www.amazon.co.uk/Petal-Fresh-Facial-Pomegranate-Masque/dp/B004HPRAKC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1450971188&sr=8-1&keywords=petal+fresh+face+mask

You could have bought one of those for your sister and two boxes of chocolate for the children. Grand total = £2.97. Before anyone says this stuff is 'tat', it isn't. I'm talking about items that are good value for money and that will actually be used/eaten. You could have explained to your sister you were tight on money this year (which is true, as you'd already decided to donate your Xmas fund) and could you please just exchange token gifts instead. Problem solved.

LeaLeander · 24/12/2015 16:06

Shrug. Methinks the problem isn't the "disappointed kids" it's the greedy adults.

When I was very little and my aunts / uncles were unmarried they would give things to my sister and me. As they acquired spouses and kids the interfamily gift-giving was dropped. There was no discussion, negotiation and certainly no pouting or silent treatment! We all socialized on Christmas day in a quite lively manner and the absence of a big stack of presents didn't seem to dampen the festivities. Every so often one of my aunts would give me something privately - a pack of pastel art crayons, I recall, or a book - but it was unusual and certainly unexpected. It didn't make or break our Christmas season, certainly.

Anyone whose kid is grasping enough to notice and tick off who is/is not presenting him with gifts, and take issue with the non-givers, has bigger problems than the holiday season, I'm afraid.

LeaLeander · 24/12/2015 16:07

And you think those greedy people would really be satisfied with a small box of candy or an inexpensive cosmetic item? They really don't sound like the "thought that counts" type, do they?

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 16:09

2016isanew
I dont know if you have children. But...
If someone said they were giving to a hospice this year and your child will not get a present because of this. Would you be really pissed off and think your child who wants for nothing is more deserving?
That is basically the question. Not he said she said etc...just the above.
Who needs it more the child with everything or the hospice for the dying.

OP posts:
AutumnLeavesArePretty · 24/12/2015 16:11

If that's the case OP, why didn't you donate extra and forfeit your sons presents too? Or is it only other people's children you feel are spoilt and not in need of gifts? Pot kettle black springs to mind.

flippinada · 24/12/2015 16:13

Wahh I don't think anyone has been particularly rude, unless you are referring to the comments which accuse the OP of (variously) being selfish, uncaring, smug, sanctimonious, thoughtless etc - which is completely uncalled for - it is possible to disagree without being rude.

WahhHelpMe · 24/12/2015 16:15

There are plenty of other responses going the other way and they are perfect examples of what I would class some posters

flippinada · 24/12/2015 16:24

Sorry Wahh,not sure I understand what you're saying. I think there's been a lot more nastiness aimed at the OP and I think some defensive responses to that. It's not OK to cast insults about of course.

Inertia · 24/12/2015 16:29

I'd be interested to see how many people choose to donate to charity rather than buy any Christmas presents for their own children. And I'm interested to know why I'm spreading a love of consumerist tat and breeding selfishness by buying gifts for my nieces and nephews, yet the gifts I buy for my own children are exempt from accusations of selfishness. ( If it makes any difference we donate regularly to various charities throughout the year, including the local children's hospice, and also make charity donations at Christmas - my children are encouraged to research the charity they would like to donate to).

2016IsANewYearforMe · 24/12/2015 16:31

I think GirlOverboard has it right. It's too late now, but I think that would have been the right approach.

flippinada · 24/12/2015 16:33

I do get what you're saying 2016. And I understand your point that presents have symbolic value to the giftee.

I still don't think it's an unusual practice to (for example) purchase gifts for your own children in preference to children in your extended family.

I also don't believe the OP intended this to be a snub, or to make herself look better than others or any of the other unpleasant things she's been accused of yet people are reacting as if she did and some posts are breathtakingly nasty.

Idefix · 24/12/2015 16:42

You are so sure you are right op that I am not surprised that you and dsis are still not talking Sad.

I think up post you mentioned that you would be seeing dsis and her family over Christmas and I think the bit that is upsetting your dsis although you can't know until you are speaking is that meet up which is usually marked with giving and receiving gift, sharing joy, pleasure with each other. This tradition won't happen now and dsis is sad about this.

You at times sound very judgey about this and possible grabbiness and prioritising of gift giving/receiving over a donation to charity. You gave to a charity and that is great but that was not really anything to do with you and your families Christmas traditions.

5 weeks nc is not that long where passions run deep 2 of my relatives were nc for several years after a game of scrabble but I do hope you are able to have back the good relationship you had previously.

flippinada · 24/12/2015 16:43

Inertia I buy gifts for my DS and my DNs (and other friends and family members). I buy more for my DS than my DNs, because while I love my DNs dearly, they aren't my children. He is. If that's selfish well, ok. I'm selfish.

I also save throughout the year to buy nice gifts for people and donate a proportion of my income to charity every month.

Now that I think of it, I don't remember getting presents from any of my Aunts/Uncles when I was a child. I don't remember feeling remotely put out by it.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 16:45

Autumn
I am a single parent and my DS father is a complete asshole.
Therefore my son comes first.
So no I would never not buy him presents.
If other people chose to give to charity and not buy my son gifts thats fine by us. Myself and DS have discussed it. We would respect that decision without having a strop.

OP posts:
flippinada · 24/12/2015 16:47

Idefix OP said upthread that she has tried to talk to her sister about this, but her sister won't answer her calls. If someone won't talk to you (and you can't force them), there's not much you can do. I hope it gets sorted out as well.

flippinada · 24/12/2015 16:52

Flat I'm a working single parent too, have been since DS was 1. I get where you're coming from.

I've remembered another thing about Christmas. Being at my Dad and Stepmums and getting pound shop crap while my stepsisters opened huge piles of thoughtful gifts. Now that really was hurtful.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 16:55

Idefix
So many comments on here. But i have read them all. I have taken criticism on the chin and have agreed i could/ should have maybe handled it differently. I still stand by my decision to donate but as some others have said maybe donate less and give token gifts which i agree would have been better. Im not a horrible person and would not want to hurt anyone for the world. I think some comments on here have been rather nasty but thats how a debate can sometimes turn out. None of you know me but i thought my intentions were good in helping others. Yet some are looking into this so deeply it makes me wonder how materialistic society has become.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 24/12/2015 16:59

OP I think you've been very gracious on this thread because you've listened to what people have said about being in tune with your sentiments but feeling the execution of the ideas was wrong.

I do hope you and your sister make up somehow.

Damselindestress · 24/12/2015 17:09

I haven't RTFT because it's very long but I think YANBU. You can choose to spend your money however you like, you are giving to a good cause and you have given people plenty of notice so they don't have to buy gifts for you. Lots of other people will be buying your sister's children presents, she doesn't have the right to demand them from you and refuse to speak to you till you cough up! She's missing the point of what Christmas is really about, spending time with loved ones.

I can understand why you are buying for your own child and not your sister's children because the parents traditionally provide multiple presents for their own child, including the stocking and presents from santa, so he would be missing out on more if you didn't buy for him while your sister's children will only be missing out on one present each from you.

I can't understand the attitude of some previous posters that you are "making other people donate" by giving to charity instead of exchanging gifts this year. That implies they are entitled to a gift and you are giving something that is theirs away and I don't think that is the case. I have a few relatives who have asked not to exchange gifts, whether because they don't need anything and don't see the point or for financial reasons. I have simply respected their wishes and not bought them anything. I haven't complained that I am entitled to a gift from them! I can't imagine complaining if they wanted to donate the money to charity instead.

At the end of the day, buying a person a present or not will not make a significant difference to their lives. Just think of the difference £200 will have made to the hospice and the people who use it. Christmas is too commercialised nowadays, helping others is in keeping with the true spirit of the season.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 24/12/2015 17:15

Ah so because she is not single, she and her children can go without Hmm

No wonder she is cross and hurt. She's deemed to have enough so doesn't get gifts yet you have enough too (given charity donations are frequent) but didn't stop gifts in your household. The charity was only important to get money destined for her and others, whereas you lost nothing and took the glory.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 17:21

Autumn
I really hope you have a merry christmas because you sound so miserable. And I really hope you dont need a hospice one day.

OP posts:
AutumnLeavesArePretty · 24/12/2015 17:31

Yes of course, I must be miserable because I see your sisters side not yours Hmm

We donate to charity at various times, we just don't deprive family or change traditions to do so. They wouldn't know who and when we give as its private and we don't feel the need to make a big performance over it.