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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

615 replies

FlatOnTheHill · 23/12/2015 14:43

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 17:32

Autumn
You say I have lost nothing and taken the glory.
If you read back you will see i have made substancial donations to charities this past year. So in effect you could say i have lost a good few hundred quid. So yes I have lost, if you want to call it that. But its been for good causes. My sister and her family always have lovely christmas and birthday presents from me.
Yet this one time, at christmas they so called (go without) its hardly the end of the world for a good cause. If anyone thinks that is so bad then their character comes into question.

OP posts:
SisterConcepta · 24/12/2015 17:34

I think what you are doing is lovely. We live in such a consumer driven society we think that children are hard done by because they open 18 presents instead of 19 on Christmas morning.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 17:37

Autumn
No performance at all. They were given the reason for no gifts. End of.
Surely better to tell them why there will be no xmas gifts this year.

Would you be pissed off if your child was not given 1 gift this year over a charity? Because thats what it is. One gift? Would like your opinion on that if you would be so kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 17:41

Just to reitterate there will be 5 gifts short for my sisters family. 3 kids and 2 adults.

OP posts:
flippinada · 24/12/2015 17:43

Autumn it is possible to give a differing opinion without being unpleasant about it. Nowhere has OP said she made a big fuss over the donation or expected to be showered with praise for doing it. That's your interpretation.

Damselindestress · 24/12/2015 18:01

I find it interesting that there is almost a stigma attached to giving to charity with some people, that they seem to think it should be done very secretively and if you mention it you are just looking for attention. But why not share if it raises awareness of a good cause and maybe inspires others to donate? And frankly, why not feel proud of yourself for doing a nice thing? Charities know it makes people feel good to give and encourage it, they like people to tell others they have donated as it is good publicity for the cause. And even if some people do donate for the "glory" (which I don't think the OP is at all by the way) it doesn't matter to the charity, they still get the money no matter what the motivation, it still makes a difference, they don't mind if it makes someone look or feel good. Giving to charity isn't something to be ashamed of.

Lopsidale · 24/12/2015 18:06

People need to stop being so materialistic. Who cares about the presents?!Seriously that's not what this holiday is about (it's what it's become). I think what you've done is lovely, having known so many people lost their life to cancer. It will mean the world to those in hospice and those that work there X

wannaBe · 24/12/2015 18:07

Depriving family? Wtaf? (confused) there are some seriously unpleasant grabby people on this thread.

SuburbanRhonda · 24/12/2015 18:11

But can I politely ask that you stop with the "you may need a hospice one day" comments as they are unnecessary.

DoJo · 24/12/2015 18:12

If my sister thought a bottle of perfume for example was more important than giving to the sick then i Think that is selfish to be honest. I personally would rather go without a materialistc gift for someone less fortunate than myself or my family.

This year. But you have been happy to be a part of gift exchanges in the past, so I think it's a bit rich to accuse your sister of selfishness on the basis of a change of heart which you had five weeks ago. You say that you usually have a good relationship and until 5 weeks ago you were very close - isn't it more likely that she is upset about the way you have gone about this than that she actually wants a physical present from you?

flippinada · 24/12/2015 18:12

Damsel exactly what I was trying to say, but you've explained it much better!

Out2pasture · 24/12/2015 18:18

Wow, the spirit of Christmas is to give NOT receive. You give with your heart not expecting anything in return. OP fabulous gesture. Your sis needs to mature.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 24/12/2015 18:22

Asking not to exchange gifts wouldn't bother me, I'd simply still buy for the children as an aunt as I like to buy for them.

You deciding after many years that I don't need anything as I have a partner and my children are in less need than charity whilst continuing to do christmas in your home as normal would be hurtful. It's not about the gift but the message it sends. You were quite happy to take gifts for years and never declined them or asked for charity donations instead.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 18:25

Dojo
When i told her what I was doing she said she thought it was wrong giving to charity at xmas as xmas is about the kids. I did say this way up post.

So basically she was saying its about kids having presents.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 18:28

Suburban
Well im sorry, but we all might need a hospice one day. Its a sad fact. And its donations that keep them open.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 18:31

Autumn
Hurtful not receiving a gift! Are you for real.
Again. Would you be pissed off if someone donated instead of giving your child a gift. You swerved that question in my last comment.

OP posts:
WahhHelpMe · 24/12/2015 18:37

We all may need a hospice, get cancer, a degenerative brain disease, I'm not saying it's wrong to donate but saying you may need a hospice one day in a pissec off tone ( I would imagine In context ) is very unsavoury

flippinada · 24/12/2015 19:02

Flat, it's completely understandable why you want to defend yourself *who wouldn't) but bear in mind some people are out for an argument or want you to feel bad (who knows why) and will just find fault whatever you say.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 19:13

Wahhhelp
I tell you what is more unsavoury. Up posts being called virtuious, sanctimonious, an ass, glory seeking..the list goes on.
Just because i dare to donate and sis her DH and kids get no pressies.
I think thats more unsavoury than saying we all might need a hospice one day. This post has taught me one thing. And i agree that some do not agree with me but they have been polite in saying so. Yet there are those that are clearly out for what they can get this xmas. What they must be teaching their children is beyond awful...Me me me !

OP posts:
90sforever · 24/12/2015 19:34

I think the hospice stuff is irrelevant. You weren't thinking this 3 years ago, you've thought it this year because you've very sadly been affected by it. It's the same as people who lose someone to cancer and do race for life. In a few years you'll probably have forgotten about it and caused family strife for no reason.

Original poster
FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 19:43

90sforever
You are probably right

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 24/12/2015 19:45

I'm not saying " you might need a hospice one day" is inaccurate, because it may be true for some people. It's just that saying it while telling someone you're not giving them Christmas presents might seem like you're shutting down any objections.

WahhHelpMe · 24/12/2015 19:49

Flat

Whilst I am in the middle and in my two/three current posts (this being my third/ fourth) agree with others it should/could have been done differently I have maintained that giving money to charity in itself is not a bad thing and like your post to me others that have said that you did the right thing 100% have sounded quite sanctimonious that those that don't agree with you are bad/ worse people. I don't condone real nastiness by name calling essentially and not on a large scale, but I do feel your last response to me was sanctimonious (ooh I'm virtuous because I chose to give to charity, which makes me a better person than others that want presents, they must be shit parents)

But I am going on a tangent, I disagree that others saying in their opinion what you have some is wrong is worse than warning you may need a hospice in the sense that one is over what essentially a gift, and one is being emotive and meant to make people think and worry about a life threatening illness, as somebody that has had two relatives die in a hospice whilst they are for a good cause I wouldn't want anyone to think about needing one as, they are essentially end of life care.

So yea I think that's worse than saying a long the lines of "YABU but it's a nice idea and I would have done it this way" again generally against name calling and rudeness. One point of contention I have is "want for nothing " is subjective to different people.

But anyway this is a time for family and hopefully joy for most and family time , so with that in mind have a Merry Christmas! I don't remember if you are seeing your. DSIs but hopefully you will both be able to put this aside ( in the course of a life it really is a tiny issue) and be close again if that will make you both happy.

That goes to everyone who reads it, MERRY CHRISTMAS

happyinherts · 24/12/2015 19:50

I'm not getting this at all. Even if the OP does forget about charity giving in 3 years time, how has she caused family strife? Surely the sister is causing family strife by not talking for five weeks and taking offence...

Really don't understand why you're getting so much flak, OP. As I see it, five weeks notice is ample to state that you are donating to charity this year, and therefore not giving or receiving presents. You haven't deprived anyone of anything - present giving is not a right, but a choice of free will. You are free to do whatever you wish with your money, and quite frankly anyone who objects to a hospice benefitting at Christmas really needs to examine their own morals.

I'm sorry you've taken so much criticism. It's totally unwarranted and if you were my sister I'd be totally in awe of you and proud.

SuburbanRhonda · 24/12/2015 19:55

anyone who objects to a hospice benefitting at Christmas really needs to examine their own morals

It's this sort of attitude that winds people up. Donate to whatever charity you want, but don't guilt-trip anyone who doesn't jump in with you. It demeans your giving and makes you seem smug and superior.