Christmas fund given to charity AIBU

[FlatOnTheHill]

Me and my sister get on really well. Very close family. Never argue about anything. More like best mates so very lucky. Ok this is where its all gone wrong. Re xmas. None of us want for anything and the kids have everything. I made a decision this year that all off my £200 xmas fund for family (not my son). Is being donated to a local wonderful hospice. Im a working single mum by the way. I have given plenty of notice to everyone and told people myself and my son dont want anything as we dont need it. To save their money and not to worry. She has gone mad and said she would never give to charity at xmas and its about the kids. I said you might need a fucking hospice one day. She said its a weird thing to do. All the rest of the faimy think its a good gesture to donate. I have only bought presents for my son. Am i wrong? Feel like shit now for doing a good deed.

Whatthese
Yes i understand. And Sauv was helpful. Thank you.
The recipient of my gift was the hospice. Their need greater than mine or anyone elses. Thats how I feel. If my sister thought a bottle of perfume for example was more important than giving to the sick then i Think that is selfish to be honest. I personally would rather go without a materialistc gift for someone less fortunate than myself or my family. They know i love them dearly and we are always there for each other in times of crises or need.

Lasswethe
I said to sister dont get me or DS anything. She said...well i certainly wont be donating to charity. I said thats fine. Its your choice.
I have mentioned this before.

OK, noted. I think your sister is behaving very badly. I don't know how the conversation went.

If it were me I would have persisted and told her , no really, that is what I want and what my choice of charity was-could she please make a donation in my name?

She is unreasonable but I can see how she would see it that you are making a donation to a charity of your choice - it has nothing really to do with her.

If my sister thought a bottle of perfume for example was more important than giving to the sick then i Think that is selfish to be honest

You see, it would piss me off immensely if someone told me how I should feel about anything.

I personally would rather go without a materialistc gift for someone less fortunate than myself or my family

I doubt anyone would have anything but admiration for your personal choice, it could be seen (obviously by your DSis) that you have imposed this value judgment on others, one of whom is only 8.

You clearly believe your decision to be the correct choice so why post in Am I Being Unreasonable?

LeNoued
Im new on here and this is my first post. So was unsure where to post.
In saying that. I do feel this is an AIBU post.
Ie. Am i being unreasonable for giving to charity or is my sister for ignoring me.
Where do you suggest i should have posted this?

She is being unreasonable in the way she reacted. For the reasons I've already said I think you may have unreasonable in the way you approached it.

Perhaps our comunities would be much nicer places if we left off negative judgement for the things we tend to judge but upped it for selfish behaviour

LassWi. I think you are right.

How old are your sister's children, Flat? Also, will you be in their company at all on Christmas day?

Finally (if I may plague you with questions) I noticed that you told your sister several weeks ago not to buy you or your son any gifts for Christmas. Is it possible that she had already done so?

Am i being unreasonable for giving to charity or is my sister for ignoring me.

I don't think in this situation it's an either / or. I would say you have both been unreasonable. There doesn't always have to be one who is solely right.
I hope you are both able to get over this and have a Happy Christmas.

I've been flamed in AIBU in the past, it's an arena of MN that invites posters to give an opinion on a situation, it's best to be avoided if you are sure that you have not been unreasonable and will be upset if people tell you that you have been.

There is a topic list at the bottom of the page, Chat or Relationships could have been suitable if you didn't want the reaction you received. AIBU should not be a bear pit but sadly can attract keyboard warriors.

Thanks LeNoud

But you have been allowed to choose what is important to you
Presumably you didn't feel like this last year or the year before or 5 years ago?
Then you gave, and recieved, presents
You have made the choice for your sister and she must be feeling hurt
She didn't even get to choose a charity of her choice
And make no mistake, many charities are just big business with CEOs getting considerable pay packages and large amounts spent on advertising

Neither of you were unreasonable to start with. Just different points of view. You are both now unreasonable in your reactions. Her to cut of contact; you for digging in and not considering why she might be upset.

Iamthewhore
I told her i would be giving to charity
She said well i certainly wont be giving to charity at xmas!
Therefore she was not interested in any charity.
The reason i felt like donating is because i have lost few close friends very recently who were looked after by hospices. The hospice i chose to donate to is in our family home town.

OP, I hope you and your sister can resolve this and both have a happy Christmas. Best wishes.

I think children often understand and have a better attitude to these things than adults.

I agree with chillycurtains. You haven't decided to sacrifice your Christmas gifts to donate to the hospice. You've decided to sacrifice other people's gifts.

In effect, you've made them donate to a charity of your choosing.

YANBU. I think you have done a very lovely thing OP and do not deserve the harsh comments you have received on this thread. But, as others have said, I think you could have handled it slightly more sympathetically if you had [for example] said to your sister that you would be buying only token gifts this year as you want to make a large donation to charity, or that you would buy gifts for the children but that your son would like a donation to the hospice charity in lieu of a gift.

I hope that you and your sister can make up. I agree that you shouldn't apologise for the kindness you have shown in making such a donation, just acknowledge to her that you could have dealt with it more sensitively.

To be honest it sounds as though both of you are plain speaking and open people and clearing the air and taking a couple of steps towards her would help your reconciliation.

People for whom receiving presents is a "rare signal that they are loved" might want to look in the mirror and ask why expressions of love are so rare. What choices have they made in life to make that so? You reap what you sow, wear the chain you forge in life, etc. It certainly is not others' responsibility to make up for shortfalls in one's personal situation.

The notion that somehow the nephews are deprived or that the OP is favoring her own son is just ridiculous. Each mother is purchasing gifts for her own child, period. As happens in millions of families.

And those saying the OP 'didn't take money that would affect HER and give it to hospice" also are missing the point. Unless the OP is wealthy, the gifts she have given her sister's THREE kids all these years have come from a finite pool of earned money the OP could have spent on herself and her own family. Now it's the hospice's turn to get funds from that limited pool of money. Why is it OK with her sister's family for her to sacrifice her own wants, and perhaps needs, to give to THEM year after year, but not to give to a worthy charity, eh?

You can highlight the OPS posts so that it's possible to skip through large threads and spot the OPS posts easily. Saves asking questions on big threads that's already been answered.

Irc OPS DNS are 8 and 13?

More than old enough to understand it's rude to expect gifts, and also old enough to understand why their aunt isn't doing gifts. She's not giving to charity on their behalf, she's donating instead of gifts.

Children do get excited at presents, esp from their own parents, but I do feel children should know it's a privilege and not a right. DD knows she's very lucky to get the things she does as there are so many children around the world who don't have family, food, home for the whole year, let alone a pile of presents at Christmas.

OP handing a card on the day saying "here's your Xmas gift, it's a £50 donation to the local hospice/oxfam goat/ sponsor a donkey etc"

And saying five weeks before "I'm not doing gifts this year because,,,,, and please don't buy us anything in"

Are two totally different things. (Although I wouldn't be angry at the first either to be honest, dh says he'd feels let down but would absolutely not say anything or fall out with anyone) if people buy ops son gifts that is their choice, OP should not feel awkward at all, and one person not doing gifts is hardly going to leave anyone deprived, or change Christmas, everyone else is still doing gifts.

I've just come home from a funeral and watched 6 young heartbroken children bury their young father, on Xmas eve. It's put a lot of things in perspective for me, these children really are losing out, their Christmas has really changed, forever, as has the rest of their lives, not speaking over a few gifts seems even more ridiculous now. I hope you both can make up and enjoy Christmas OP.

Well OP, you can take Lea's POV. Which is basically: look after your own (son) and forget the rest of the family. Children expecting presents at Christmas! Greedy sods!

Somehow, I don't think that approach is going to reap you much good will or family harmony though.

What a generous thing to do! Of course YANBU!!!

Except that OP is NOT just looking after her own son, she is looking after the good of her wider community by making a very generous donation to a worthy cause that many people will need one day.

To me, that is more important than worrying about whether several well-taken-care-of kids get an extra present or two, or have to "suffer" the mild disappointment of learning that gift-giving was going to be curtailed.

It is so common in families for gift exchanges to be curbed or limited or even done away with altogether, the indignation here on this thread is really rather appalling.

Are that many people out there teaching their kids that they are entitled to gifts from all and sundry, and entitled to take major umbrage if the gift exchange is toned down? How said that so many are training their offspring to expect presents as their due, rather than accept them as a pleasant surprise IF and when they are offered.

Except that isn't what Lea said.

And yes, shock horror, the OP is prioritising her own son. So what? This isn't something unusual or shocking, it's what most people do.