Was I in the wrong here?

[GlamOn]

DP and I are home today (not because of our virus), and I was just getting some milk out of the microwave when I got a phone call from my Mum, asking me to look after my DSis 7 (who isn't feel well), whilst she and my Dad finish off their Christmas food shop with DSis2 and DB.

Unfortunately, myself and DP really didn't feel up to it and I declined, I said "No, sorry Mum we've both got a throa-"" and she cut off, after saying shouting fine and hanging up.

I rang back a few minutes later because I noticed a missed call from her. Her reply was when I asked why she called "I didn't mean to ring you, I meant to ring nanny". I asked why she hang up on me and her answer was "because I can't find someone to look after Dsis! You have a throat infection but you don't look after her with your throat, do you? All she has to do is sit there for a little while"

AIBU to have declined, even though we're close family? In all honesty, we didn't feel up to it and I'd just rather not. AIBU to say no other explanation than that is required to give my Mum?

She wouldn't treat a friend that way, and I'm her adult daughter who I think deserves a little bit of respect. I wouldn't dream of doing it to anyone, because I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to care for my children.

I think it is quite fair to assume that a daughter would help out her mother who is recovering from an operation and needs to go shopping to buy food to feed to said daughter and partner.

But OP's mother didn't even know she would be at home, so clearly it's not an assumption she could reasonably have made. And what you have left out of this summary is the salient fact that daughter is ill, as is the daughter you want her to look after.

I am going to go over to netmums and see if AF is there causing Christmas Havoc

Other alternatives are important.
The mother was going with the dad. So he can go.
But instead the mother chooses to hang up on the daughter.

And, yes, I mentioned as if it was the first time because most people are just ignoring this option and placing it all on the women. Including saying the daughter should go shopping when there is one healthy and capable adult in the middle.

It's not the man doing the shopping that's the issue, it's the fact the OP's mother wanted to do it and asked her daughter for assistance so that she could.

But, as a parent, you can want all you like, that doesn't mean you have to get what you want and that you shouldn't expect the father of your children to step up.

Oh I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realise that Christmas was a special meal where you had to earn your turkey.

If you can't shop for 7 people, you can't cook a meal for 7 people. OP is under no obligation to look after her sister because she's not OP's child or responsibility. Would it have been nice? Of course. That doesn't mean she had to.

This is going round in circles now and as the OP doesn't look like she'll be back here's not much point.

Personally I'd choke on my Christmas dinner if I knew I hadn't bothered to help my post op mother with an infection to get it sorted when the required 'help' really wasn't a big deal but if some of you would happily tuck and not think twice about that in then that's your look out.

I wasn't well yesterday and was dubious about feeling up to doing the food shop today (much better, thankfully). My dp is at work so maybe the OP's dad is too . He offered yesterday to do it after work today but I really needed to do it myself if possible because I know what I need as I'm the one doing the baking and cooking (out of choice not because I live with a neanderthal). Maybe the OP's mum prefers to do her own Christmas food shopping?

I think you were unreasonable to not help out on this occasion especially as it was for a stressful shopping event to which you would have benefitted. However, your Mum should not have hung up like that though.

Perhaps make a peace offering to assist her in food preparation for the Christmas meal?

Dip The OP's mother knew that there was nothing for the OP to drop, and she hadn't made any assumptions that they would be in. Because the OP had already told her mother they were both home

How does being at home equate to being able to drop everything and help? OP could have been on her way to work, going to an urgent appoinment or, y'know, ill. The point is her mother chose to get the hump without waiting for an explanation or trying to negotiate something; and that she did so in circumstances when she wasn't apparently prepared to ask her husband first. They're only finishing off the shopping, FFS, it's not like she wants him to do the shopping for the next fortnight.

Sounds like YABU. Your DM has her hands full and she asked for a favour and then just snapped. We all snap. Is she cooking for you on Christmas day?

YANBU for being upset about her rudeness but YABU for not realising why she snapped. You just need to get over it and perhaps be a bit more helpful especially after her stomach surgery and infection.

the mother wanted to go with her husband and 3 children to do the shopping- it's not unreasonable to ask if an older sibling could look after a younger one who feels unwell before resorting to completely changing their plans

Sure, it's not unreasonable to ask, but it is unreasonable to get the hump before bothering to find out older sibling's reasons.

Is everyone still missing the point that younger child is ill? What on earth is the sense in dragging an ill child out of the house to be looked after by an ill sibling so that they can both sit there merrily infecting each other with their respective bugs, when you have a perfectly sensible alternative?

I know that the best solution would have been for the op's dad to do the shopping but assuming that the op's mum was cooking I'm guessing she wanted to do the shopping so she could get the best alternatives if the original items weren't available.

I do all the cooking because I like to cook. I wouldn't trust anyone else, regardless of their sex, to do the shopping for me. If I'm cooking then I want to shop. It has nothing to do with me thinking my husband is incapable or that it has to be done by a female, and everything to do with me being picky.

Yanbu, just because some people don't feel as bad with a throat infection doesn't mean you aren't.
I've been very ill these last few days with a virus.
I would not be up to looking after anyone.
I also wouldn't be impressed if someone had a go at me for it.

Who is cooking Christmas dinner? I bet it's the OPs mum with her stomach infection after an operation.

I think Yanbu to have said no, it's your choice and your mum was BU to hang up on you but in all honesty I think you should just have said "I'm not well so she can come and sit on sofa for an hour or so and watch a film with me" considering the much bigger picture here.

YANBU. What kid wants a sore throat over Xmas?

Pipbin, they're only finishing the Christmas shop, not doing the main shop, so it's not that likely that a lot of alternatives have to be found. And if they do, do we have to assume that OP's dad is so helpless that he can't work it out, ask someone, or phone his wife?

Mostly, however, I come back to the fact that, irrespective of what she wants to do, it's unwise to expect her ill daughter to be looked after by another ill person to accommodate her hypothetical wish to be picky.

I'm willing to bet the OP hasn't been back because she's helping out in some way

Pipbin " It has nothing to do with me thinking my husband is incapable or that it has to be done by a female, and everything to do with me being picky."

if that's the case, then I would say the OP mum is BU for asking for help and not letting her partner do it IYSWIM.

I have to mop all the floors today ahead of my Christmas guests coming. I am here with DS and DP. My back really hurts so I really will struggle to do it.

I know! I will call DD and ask her to do it for me. Obviously I cannot ask DP as he is a man and might not do it the way I want it done.

If DD won't do this small thing for me she can fuck right off thinking she can come and tread on my floor on Christmas Day!

The very idea!!!

Flounces off thread as cannot cope with all the surrendered wives

If the OP's dad does not usually do the shopping, now is not the time to start doing it on his own. There will probably be lots of items out-of-stock in the shop, needing alternatives or quick changes of plans. Their Christmas dinner may be ruined.

If I were the OP I wouldn't have the nerve to turn up on Christmas Day to eat the meal, well, not without an apology. She could have said, 'I'll do it mum, but I don't like the way you spoke to me.'

Dip you keep saying "But OP's mother didn't even know she would be at home, so clearly it's not an assumption she could reasonably have made."

have you not read this from the OP? "if I hadn't told her we were in, she wouldn't have even known we were available". She'd told her she was in

My DH does not usually do the shopping, but in recent times when I've been very ill or recovering from surgery he has gone with my list. And do you know what he did when he discovered what I wanted wasn't available? He phoned me. Can you believe there's a man out there who may actually have some brains and initiative to think 'I'm sure there's a decent alternative, why don't I ask my DW'? And on other occasions he asked a member of staff if there was any more stock hidden elsewhere/other alternatives.

Clearly DH has spent his entire life being ruined by his DM and me.

FWIW I have an bladder infection at the moment. I am off my tits on painkillers and antibiotics. MIL - who thought I was just a little poorly because its only a UTI - took one look at me and has kindly removed the children from me for a while so I can rest not allow my kids to kill themselves

Have you started on the sherry mintoil?

What a very strange analogy.

I think you've been a little U not to help your mum out OP.

However have I read it right? There are 4 adults doing the food shop, your mum, dad, sis and her boyfriend? Why does it take 4 and surely one of them could have minded 7 yo

Ah yes I have misread, apologies. It was your dsis and dbro. So your mum has 2 kids to mind aswell as do the food shop?
Ok I'm leaning towards you are massively unreasonable not to help out.
Maybe a call explaining you're sorry and you'll do all you can to help her asap?