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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about stingy new bf and gifts?

213 replies

merrychristmaseveryone · 22/12/2015 12:20

Newish relationship, seeing someone for 4 months.

Met his friends for the first time on the weekend (friend from work and his wife) has known them about 5 years.

Spoke to the wife as bf and get DH share a hobby and asked what I could get bf for xmas, a small token gift. She said she's bought my bf some gifts that she's not wrapped if I wanted to buy something off her as I may have left it too late to order now. One of the gifts alone was in the region of £50 I bought 2 things off her for £10 as I only wanted to get something small.

My bf is going to them xmas day and has been for the last 2 years. I asked him what he has bought them and the answer was nothing. I said you do realise they have got you something and his reply was yes they always get him gifts for xmas and birthdays. I asked im if he was embarrassed and he said he doesn't do gifts. If they give him something he just acts shocked and it gets him out of retiring the favour.

I am stunned to be honest, he is lovely but I've seen a different side to him. I think it's unbelievably selfish.

The reason I may still be thinking about this is I was totally embarrassed this weekend in meeting his friends. I only drink prosecco and I don't drink often, he stopped off at a garage on the way and asked him to get a bottle to take with us. He said don't get it I will go in. He came out with a bag and said don't worry he's sorted it. When we got there the host was sorting drinks and I asked my bf where the bag was with my drink and he said he didn't get any as they have got loads (in front of the hosts) the host retrieved a bottle out of a gift bag from under the tree. I protested but she said it was fine.
I spoke to her privately later in the evening and explained and she said it was fine not to worry they had bought loads of bottles they have had for ages but they were bought as gifts. She laughed it off but said my BT had form for this.

AIBU to get a gift for the hosts and wrap it without a gift tag and force him to take it along? It's been playing on my mind since this happened at the weekend and I've asked him to get something anything and he said no.

I've not got much money but was thinking to spend about £10 on some nice chocs and wine? Do I sign it from me, my bf both? I don't want to come across as rude.

OP posts:
MsMims · 23/12/2015 01:18

OP, you sound lovely. Kind, considerate and generous.

He sounds mean and tight fisted in the extreme, and a liar to boot. I agree with PP; run.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2015 01:29

" I asked him if he was embarrassed and he said he doesn't do gifts. If they give him something he just acts shocked and it gets him out of returning the favour."
That's pretty despicable. If he genuinely didn't 'do' gifts, he would tell his friends that he'd rather they didn't give him gifts. So it's not that he doesn't do gifts; he doesn't do giving whilst still doing taking. Yuk.

"I will be having a word with him about it to see if I can change his ways, if he is a lost cause then I will get shot of him. I am seeing him tomorrow as I'm busy until Boxing Day so I will see if he turns up with anything or comes empty handed."
You cannot change him. He is a lost cause. The freeloading on holiday was horrendous. What an arse.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 23/12/2015 02:18

Dump him, but keep his friends. They sound lovely. Maybe they know some nice single men they can fix you up with!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/12/2015 02:51

He sounds a classic arse!

If he doesn't 'do' gifts then he should have no business accepting them!

He obviously thinks they're too stupid - he seems to assum that they haven't noticed when he continually actually 'surprised' when faced with their generosity! He sounds massively manipulative!

His friends sound lovely... Although they are exacerbating his behaviour by continuing to be lovely to him, while he is treating them with contempt.. It's how people continually get away with bad behaviour - others enable it!

I've come across too many of these free loaders - luckily no boyfriends/OH have been like this but a couple of ex friends were like this.... One friend who earnt similarly to us, would always ask, and then receive, expensive perfume for birthdays /Christmases.. She would then blatantly reciprocate with a poundshop candles and the like - she didn't even make any attempt to hide it either... And seemed genuinely perplexed when a mutual pal called her on it.
.
Who accepts gifts worth 50£ +, with no reciprocity?? ... Apart from a rude tight arse!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/12/2015 03:51

You're going to try to get him to change his ways? Uh..have you not worked out that you can't change a person yet? This is who he is. Accept it or walk away, they are the only 2 options.

goddessofsmallthings · 23/12/2015 04:31

Good grief. This tight arsed git man is a social liability and there's nothing remotely attractive about meanness.

Dump him, eBay the gifts you got him or donate them to a charity shop with thanks for the lesson you've learned, and buy the lovely hosts a bottle of Prosecco - if you giftwrap it and present it to them yourself in person after Christmas they might invite you to join them for their New Year's Eve revelries Xmas Grin

Wheretheresawill1 · 23/12/2015 05:34

Remember people ALWAYS show you who they are. It is up to us if we see it

bittapitta · 23/12/2015 05:54

This is him on his "best behaviour" OP, only 4 months into the relationship! Even if he relents to "change" for you he will revert back to old says before long. Leave now before you are too emotionally invested. Also the bigger picture is not about the stinginess, but the lies. He deceived you when pretending to buy a bottle at the garage. So disrespectful.

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 06:25

will be having a word with him about it to see if I can change his way

Really? Four months on you have found out he is a selfish shot and you are going to try and change him.

He has shown you who he is, believe him.

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 06:30

I think the fact that he knows what he is doing and plans ways to get out of paying is disgusting.

He is going to their house at Christmas, he knows they will buy gifts and paid for his food.....and instead of buying a gift he will feign surprise?

He went on holiday and fucked around with money, borrowed it, didn't draw money out.

He isn't just a bit selfish, he is a shit.

iamanintrovert · 23/12/2015 06:31

Bin him

clippityclop · 23/12/2015 07:16

You can't change people, please get rid! I think his friends may be glad you're around to take him off their hands. Walk away from the whole situation.

CreepingDogFart · 23/12/2015 07:28

I dumped a man who did things like this. He was excruciatingly embarrassing.

ArmchairTraveller · 23/12/2015 07:34

My mum would say that trying to change him is like teaching a pig to dance. He might do it for a while, to please you, for the novelty or to stop the nagging but it isn't in his nature and he'll revert as soon as he can.
But of course, you might be The One. Hmm

DinosaursRoar · 23/12/2015 07:36

OP - does he have no family or other friends?

I would avoid him, he's not going to change. What will change is your behaviour. After a while, you'll get used to it and stop expecting anything from him, so won't find it disappointing, but at the same time will put all the effort in and do all the running around to smooth out his life.

popcornpaws · 23/12/2015 07:36

Good God!
Can you really imagine what a fun filled happy equal future you would have with this arse?
As far as I'm concerned that is one of the worst traits a person can have, so selfish and greedy.
Do yourself a favour and run for the hills, now!

CreepingDogFart · 23/12/2015 07:39

^ If she is 'The One':

"I'm not going to propose with a ring as you've got enough already".

"Guests at the wedding should contribute X amount per head, after all, they're eating the food."

"I didn't get you a birthday present- you don't need anything."

"The children don't need new school shoes, their feet will only grow."

Do you honestly want to be with this man?
Yuck.

ArmchairTraveller · 23/12/2015 07:43

It's astounding how self-deluded some women can be though, how convinced they are that they are uniquely gifted at transforming base material into gold.
Then they are in relationships and whinge and wail to everyone IRL and on the net about all the things they 'don't understand why' are happening.
But go ahead OP, change him. Be honest about the active choice you are making at this point.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/12/2015 07:47

Look op guys like that don't change, it does not sound he would want to. Do yourself a favour, dump him and keep his lovely friends. That woukd be a dealbreaker. Run whilst you can. Imagine you had a place together, you would end up paying all the bills and food. Being good company does not pay the bills and it woukd really grate. Imagine you had kids and took mat leave, so was short of money, he woukd not provide for his kids. What he did to his friends was disgusting, and unacceptable, they are stupid subbing him and allowing him to get away with such disgusting behaviour, instead of pulling him up on it.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/12/2015 07:49

Exactly where, his friends sound absolutely lovely, but they are doormats who allow him to get away with shit behaviour like this.

Roomba · 23/12/2015 07:51

You won't change him, OP. Stinginess (and sheer brazenness!) like this is usually very ingrained behaviour.

I wouldn't buy a gift for him to take either. This is a great example of the 'wifework' women end up saddled with to avoid embarrassment, because their partners refuse to even think about stuff like this. If you stay with him, you can expect to do all the planning and preparation for family birthdays, Christmas and so on.

To be fair though, he has form for doing this but his friends have invited him again this year, so they obviously aren't that bothered about getting gifts from him?

ChristmasTurkey2015 · 23/12/2015 07:53

OP: I my read your first post but imprissions are....

  1. no don't force him to take any present
  2. handwritten thank you card to his friends appreciating dinner and how lovely it was to meet them would be very nice gesture (sent only from you, obviously)
  3. know this bf is an exploitative freeloader
  4. know that a LT relationship with him will see you either tarred with the same brush or covering/compensating for his bad manners forever
  5. know this man does not respect the kindness of his long term platonic relationships
  6. he also lied to you about having dealt with the wine issue, don't forget that

I say ditch him.

LuluJakey1 · 23/12/2015 07:54

The thing is, it is his default position and he will always, always disappoint you.

Paddingtonthebear · 23/12/2015 07:59

Deal breaker for me, sorry. If he can't even acknowledge the generosity of his own close friends, imagine what he wil be like with others - you, your family, your friends. Mean and selfish, not attractive qualities. What a shame for you. He won't change though.

areyoubeingserviced · 23/12/2015 08:01

Cannot stand mean men.
Definitely a deal breaker for me.
Run for the hills sweetheart