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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about stingy new bf and gifts?

213 replies

merrychristmaseveryone · 22/12/2015 12:20

Newish relationship, seeing someone for 4 months.

Met his friends for the first time on the weekend (friend from work and his wife) has known them about 5 years.

Spoke to the wife as bf and get DH share a hobby and asked what I could get bf for xmas, a small token gift. She said she's bought my bf some gifts that she's not wrapped if I wanted to buy something off her as I may have left it too late to order now. One of the gifts alone was in the region of £50 I bought 2 things off her for £10 as I only wanted to get something small.

My bf is going to them xmas day and has been for the last 2 years. I asked him what he has bought them and the answer was nothing. I said you do realise they have got you something and his reply was yes they always get him gifts for xmas and birthdays. I asked im if he was embarrassed and he said he doesn't do gifts. If they give him something he just acts shocked and it gets him out of retiring the favour.

I am stunned to be honest, he is lovely but I've seen a different side to him. I think it's unbelievably selfish.

The reason I may still be thinking about this is I was totally embarrassed this weekend in meeting his friends. I only drink prosecco and I don't drink often, he stopped off at a garage on the way and asked him to get a bottle to take with us. He said don't get it I will go in. He came out with a bag and said don't worry he's sorted it. When we got there the host was sorting drinks and I asked my bf where the bag was with my drink and he said he didn't get any as they have got loads (in front of the hosts) the host retrieved a bottle out of a gift bag from under the tree. I protested but she said it was fine.
I spoke to her privately later in the evening and explained and she said it was fine not to worry they had bought loads of bottles they have had for ages but they were bought as gifts. She laughed it off but said my BT had form for this.

AIBU to get a gift for the hosts and wrap it without a gift tag and force him to take it along? It's been playing on my mind since this happened at the weekend and I've asked him to get something anything and he said no.

I've not got much money but was thinking to spend about £10 on some nice chocs and wine? Do I sign it from me, my bf both? I don't want to come across as rude.

OP posts:
whois · 22/12/2015 13:41

That kind of mean/stingy behaviour isn't very attractive. If you are going to be with this guy, you're constantly going to be embarrassed for his rubbish behaviour. It will be a nears at every meal out (splitting the bill) every pub trip (his round?) every dinner party (like wth the wine) etc

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/12/2015 13:42

Can't stand mean people. I agree with a pp, send some lovely flowers to the people who hosted you at the weekend, from you. Not from both of you, from you.

Then run for the hills.

Do you want DCs? Imagine what your life will be like when you're on mat leave and you're not bringing in much money...

Seeyounearertime · 22/12/2015 13:46

OP? do you own a compass? Find north and run till you get wet feet.
Selfish men rarely change.

MagicMojito · 22/12/2015 13:49

I realize that I'm alone in this but I can't really see what your bf has done wrong here Confused

He has made it clear to people he doesn't do gifts (for whatever reason) and yet they still insist of giving him gifts and portraying him as rude for not reciprocating by saying he has "form" for this.

Its fair enough that you feel differentlydifferently about him now that you realize you are maybe not as well matched as you thought but I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, you both just have different expectations.

knobblyknee · 22/12/2015 13:51

If he doenst do gifts then he should just say so and not do the whole acting surprised BS. People who dont do gifts or tips just dont do them. They dont have a strategy for dealing with the social awkwardness.

MagicMojito · 22/12/2015 13:54

Yes but to me the gift giver should just respect his wishes and not give a gift then there would be no issue.

Frostycake · 22/12/2015 13:55

If he doenst do gifts then he should just say so and not do the whole acting surprised BS. People who dont do gifts or tips just dont do them. They dont have a strategy for dealing with the social awkwardness

This

It's contrived, not 'just who he is.'

Hatethis22 · 22/12/2015 13:55

If you're going to someone's home for a meal, you take a bottle. He knows this but actually volunteered to go into the shop and lied to you to stop you from buying a bottle to take. Dump.

Fitzers · 22/12/2015 13:55

Doesn't sound to me like he minds getting the gifts, he just couldn't be bothered returning the gesture.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/12/2015 13:55

THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY

Damselindestress · 22/12/2015 13:56

For me, the issue is the effort he goes to to avoid giving gifts. OP wanted to bring a bottle to their hosts and he lied and said he would get it then didn't, embarrassing her. And he acts entitled, he said he didn't bring a bottle because the hosts have loads, showing he expects to be given things. And he knows his friends give gifts but pretends to be shocked every year so he doesn't have to give them anything, even after everything they've done for him. The thought he puts into lying and manipulating to avoid ever having to give anything could easily be used to budget and plan appropriate presents but he seems to enjoy taking without giving anything in return, which doesn't bode well for the relationship.

MagicMojito · 22/12/2015 13:58

To me, its a bit like saying "let's just buy for the kids" and then the other party turning up with presents for everyone creating an awkward situation.

Leelu6 · 22/12/2015 14:02

AIBU to get a gift for the hosts and wrap it without a gift tag and force him to take it along?.

YABU. Do NOT do this. He will expect you to do it forevermore. (And also he doesn't sound like a guy you should be with forevermore).

CarShare · 22/12/2015 14:02

I'm just completely amazed that he has friends who still want to socialise with him, and they sound very nice from what you've said. I would seriously be putting him firmly in the bin and thanking your lucky stars this dishonest and mean spirited behaviour came to light so early on.

MagicMojito · 22/12/2015 14:05

OK, I do see where posters are coming from from the bottle of prossecco incident HOWEVER, I can very well imagine a conversation of
"We are on our way, new gf wants to stop and bring a bottle"
"Oh no, honestly we have shedloads of the stuff, just bring your lovely selves"
"OK, sorted"

Of course I don't know the guy so I could be way off. Just giving an alternative view. It would be a shame to right off an otherwise good relationship on a potential misunderstanding. Tis Christmas Grin

HolgerDanske · 22/12/2015 14:09

He still lied to her and said he would sort it. Then embarrassed her in front of his friends. And was incredibly rude in basically saying he was entitled to his hosts' beverages!

I couldn't live with it, it's mean-spirited. I've never, ever known a stingy person who was simultaneously generous in other more important ways.

SpecialistSnowflake · 22/12/2015 14:11

I don't see how a misunderstanding could be created from the OP's posts...

You need to ask yourself whether you'll really be happy setting up home with a miser? If you feel like updating, I'd love to know what he buys you for Christmas...

WeAllHaveWings · 22/12/2015 14:12

He told you a lot about his character, hope you are listening. Time to decide if you can live with this thoughtlessness (which will probably be a common trait in lots of parts of his personality) or if you should cut and run before you waste any time on him.

Hatethis22 · 22/12/2015 14:12

As the hosts took a bottle from out of a present bag under the tree I very much doubt that they said that.

SpecialistSnowflake · 22/12/2015 14:13

It would be a shame to right off an otherwise good relationship on a potential misunderstanding. Tis Christmas

Honestly, I think she should write it off, but she herself merely wondered if she'd be rude to buy a present for her bf's friends and sign it from both of them...

You could OP, but they'll know it's just from you.

Crabbitface · 22/12/2015 14:14

What's he like in general when it comes to spending money? Is it just gifts he's stingy with? It may seem like it is excusable at the moment ...BUT eventually this will be a deal breaker. I have had a couple of relationships where the guys were MEAN and it is utterly miserable. There is nothing more likely to make you die a little inside than having to get your purse out to give a grown man £3 to "half-in" for a bottle of wine when he's popping to the shops.

pinklaydee · 22/12/2015 14:14

Any response from the OP?

Hatethis22 · 22/12/2015 14:15

The meanness is bad enough but the dishonesty to you, after 4 months when he's still on his best behaviour, is worse.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/12/2015 14:17

Do not take responsibility for his stinginess. Get rid of him. you are clearly very worried about how he is coming across to other people (and by extension, you) - you are not the sort of person who can put up with this. think about the impact this will have on you long term. too stressful. Leave him.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 22/12/2015 14:17

I'd have bought wine or chocolates before hand when receiving the invitation rather than expect the driver to purchase at the overpriced services.

Mismatched finances and attitudes rarely work.

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