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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about stingy new bf and gifts?

213 replies

merrychristmaseveryone · 22/12/2015 12:20

Newish relationship, seeing someone for 4 months.

Met his friends for the first time on the weekend (friend from work and his wife) has known them about 5 years.

Spoke to the wife as bf and get DH share a hobby and asked what I could get bf for xmas, a small token gift. She said she's bought my bf some gifts that she's not wrapped if I wanted to buy something off her as I may have left it too late to order now. One of the gifts alone was in the region of £50 I bought 2 things off her for £10 as I only wanted to get something small.

My bf is going to them xmas day and has been for the last 2 years. I asked him what he has bought them and the answer was nothing. I said you do realise they have got you something and his reply was yes they always get him gifts for xmas and birthdays. I asked im if he was embarrassed and he said he doesn't do gifts. If they give him something he just acts shocked and it gets him out of retiring the favour.

I am stunned to be honest, he is lovely but I've seen a different side to him. I think it's unbelievably selfish.

The reason I may still be thinking about this is I was totally embarrassed this weekend in meeting his friends. I only drink prosecco and I don't drink often, he stopped off at a garage on the way and asked him to get a bottle to take with us. He said don't get it I will go in. He came out with a bag and said don't worry he's sorted it. When we got there the host was sorting drinks and I asked my bf where the bag was with my drink and he said he didn't get any as they have got loads (in front of the hosts) the host retrieved a bottle out of a gift bag from under the tree. I protested but she said it was fine.
I spoke to her privately later in the evening and explained and she said it was fine not to worry they had bought loads of bottles they have had for ages but they were bought as gifts. She laughed it off but said my BT had form for this.

AIBU to get a gift for the hosts and wrap it without a gift tag and force him to take it along? It's been playing on my mind since this happened at the weekend and I've asked him to get something anything and he said no.

I've not got much money but was thinking to spend about £10 on some nice chocs and wine? Do I sign it from me, my bf both? I don't want to come across as rude.

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 22/12/2015 14:18

Dump him and stick the gifts on EBay. Mean men are to be avoided at all costs IMO!

evelynj · 22/12/2015 14:20

Eww, he is mean & needs to learn some manners. Ltb

Thaila · 22/12/2015 14:21

My ex was really tight. He'd also keep food in the fridge way after its use by date and would refuse to throw it away. I once threw some vegetables in the bin that had gone off, only for him to dig them out the bin and serve them to me for dinner that night. For me now, tightness is an absolute no no in any future relationships. Your bf sounds selfish to be honest and doesn't deserve any presents!.

FrustratedFrugal · 22/12/2015 14:27

Some men are totally blind in things like this. I know lots of highly intelligent borderline autistic men who would have problems with social cues. Explain to him (if you haven't already) why you find this type of behavior unacceptable and what you'd like him to do now. Give clear, logical instructions, don't drop hints, don't insinuate. He'll have a chance to fix this, and if he doesn't take the cue, you will meet someone else who is much nicer. My experience is, the good ones just several of those in my life need these types of things spelled out so that they make sense to them, and then they'll make every effort to amend their ways. If he doesn't, he's just mean, and you won't want to share your life with a mean person.

lorelei9 · 22/12/2015 14:39

you know what strikes me as interesting about this - people who know he doesn't give gifts are still giving him gifts.

so he must actually have told them he doesn't do gifts and they keep wanting to, or they just really like him, otherwise why would they a) keep him in their life b) buy him gifts?

I'm wondering if he is the kind of guy who you can call at 4am when your home is flooding and he will come and help. In which case, not doing gifts would be less important IYSWIM.

I only do gifts with the closest people people who wouldn't agree to no gifts and I've got 2 already from people for whom I have nothing. I am not going to get them a token gift because they know I don't do xmas gifts - if they choose to ignore it, I'm not going to get sucked in.

I do think you take something to someone's house but perhaps he feels on safe ground there too - they said they are used to him not bringing anything, yet they still invite him?

Damselindestress · 22/12/2015 14:41

IMHO, his behaviour doesn't come across as clueless but deliberately manipulative. OP already explained that she wanted to bring a bottle and he lied and said he would do it then didn't. She has also already explained that giving presents to his friends because they have bought for him would be appropriate and he replied that he can get out of it by acting suprised that they bought him gifts even though he already knows they did.

Original poster
merrychristmaseveryone · 22/12/2015 14:43

I'm back, I've been thinking about the responses and you are all spot on.

I'm still feeling awful about the weekend as the things he bought in the garage was actually good for himself go the next day so very tight fisted and mean!

He's not really well off but not poor either as has treated himself to some expensive sports equipment last month.

No idea if I will get anything from him, I doubt it. Since this happened I have been reevaluating the relationship and I have come to notice he is tight but it's only just come to light. Not for himself but to others.

I have dashed to Asda and found a stunning real small snow Xmas tree that was reduced and have bought some chocs. I think the host will live the tree as I had admired her mini real tree and she said she lost her collection of trees in the summer and was wanting to rebuild her collection. I plan on stopping in on my way past this evening and giving the gifts to her as I feel so embarrassed and I'm not fight fisted like someone I know.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 22/12/2015 14:49

He's not autistic as far as I can see.

He just doesn't care. He is a freeloader.

Both my kids are on the spectrum. My dad was, very probably, on the spectrum. None of them are, or were, tight.

ButWaitTheresMyrrh · 22/12/2015 15:05

He sounds selfish and bad mannered.
You sound caring and well mannered.
He won't change.

If you're already feeling this way after 4 months then you might be better off getting rid.

Birdsgottafly · 22/12/2015 15:12

OP, as I said earlier, I won't be forced into buying presents.

However why don't you just speak to him about his reasons for not taking a gift for a host?

If you can't talk about what bothers you, then this is a reason alone to end the relationship.

ToffeeForEveryone · 22/12/2015 15:14

I think it depends how open he is to changing his behaviour. My DH was - is actually - a bit like this, he doesn't really get why you give presents and thinks it's largely unnecessary. He's happy to receive them! I just ignored him and bought gifts for his friends and family at Christmas, over time he's come round a bit and is happy to leave it to me to choose things.

Up to you, but if you really like him and he has other redeeming qualities, then think carefully about whether this is actually a character flaw or just a bad habit.

you might have to resign yourself to never getting a Xmas or birthday present from him though!

ArmchairTraveller · 22/12/2015 15:17

I agree, YouTheCat. My two are on the spectrum and the rituals of Christmas are very important to them. Including gift-giving and the social conventions of parties. And they don't lie if asked to do something they don't 'get' but have been asked to do.
I hate the knee-jerk response to accounts of selfishness and anti-social behaviour being 'Is he HFA?'
No OP. he's more likely to be a selfish git. It's not like they are in short supply.

ArmchairTraveller · 22/12/2015 15:18

I think looking at hos behaviour over the last 4 months is a good idea, did this come as a shock to you, has nhe beed stingy before or has he been willing to at least pay his way?

LeaLeander · 22/12/2015 15:22

I think stingy and selfish are two basic character traits that aren't likely to evolve much once a person is in adulthood. The fact that he would pick up beverage for himself and leave you to fend with whatever the host had on hand is pretty low.

And that's in the dating stage when presumably he's putting his best foot forward?! Think about it.

It's not about "stuff" it's about being a moocher who's happy to take but is oblivious to anyone else's needs. I could not go through life with a man like that.

BadLad · 22/12/2015 15:53

Keep a spanner to hand, OP. Then you might occasionally be able to 20-pences out of his hand once a while.

What a tight-arse.

MrsClusterfuck · 22/12/2015 16:05

As far as I can see you're already making excuses for him - as lovely as it is to buy the tree and chocs for the host, why are you doing this? Because you feel embarrassed by his behaviour. You're been with him for 4 months and you're already having to run around mopping up after his stingy behaviour, to his own friends no less. Hmm

His friends sound lovely but I don't think their indulgence of him is doing them any favours either.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2015 16:11

I have come to notice he is tight but it's only just come to light. Not for himself but to others. Because he doesn't care about other people. And that's a deal breaker. Give the lovely hosts the tree and dump the BF.

KatharinaRosalie · 22/12/2015 17:25

oh wow. He's stingy, selfish and rude. And lied to you about the bottle - I don't think the excuse that he asked the hosts and they said not to bring anything, flies - they were unpacking one from under the tree after all.

Who on earth lets friends buy presents every year, never giving anything back and not asking them to stop? A user, that's who.

Please do NOT in any circumstances start buying presents and cards from him or both of you.

Oh and as was said before - this is the dating stage where he should be trying to impress you. What on earth is he like in a long term relationship?

thebestfurchinchilla · 22/12/2015 17:38

Run for the hills! Do you really want to be with someone like that? Every social situation you're at together he'll be hanging back, not buying a round. It's very unattractive.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2015 17:48

As the mother of an autistic child, it fucks me off to no end where people immediately ascribe twat behaviour to autism. WTAF? What next, a 'maybe he's depressed', because of course, people with mental health issues behave just like a cheapskate, mean-spirited arse.

Don't get this man anything for Xmas but a 'Later, arsehole. I'm ditching you because you're a selfish, lying, tight-fisted, rude, miserable cunt.'

Don't waste your time 're-evaluating' this relationship. When people show you who they are, listen to them.

Sansoora · 22/12/2015 17:56

As the mother of an autistic child, it fucks me off to no end where people immediately ascribe twat behaviour to autism.

It seem to be the fashion on MN.

I just ignore it now.

That and when someone tells me my son is a person with autism.

UninventiveUsername · 22/12/2015 18:01

If I were you I'd get a gift, make it clear it is from you and end the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone that tight and selfish and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of our relationship buying gifts on his behalf.

MamaLazarou · 22/12/2015 18:11

LTB! You can't trust him, he doesn't value his friends and he shows you up. After only a few months! Run.

JassyRadlett · 22/12/2015 18:13

No idea if I will get anything from him, I doubt it. Since this happened I have been reevaluating the relationship and I have come to notice he is tight but it's only just come to light. Not for himself but to others.

I think this makes it so much worse. He's not just tight, he's incredibly selfish.

I have a brother who is tight. But he spends even less on himself than on other people, and he does respect social niceties even though it annoys him. And so his family can accept the fact that he just really, really hates spending money.

I think we'd bloody disown him if he was splashing about cash on himself but being tight past the point of rudeness with others. I think that's a really disgusting trait.

Zucker · 22/12/2015 18:17

Please for the love of us all don't hitch yourself to this man or have any children with him. You will find yourself running ragged to please him, explaining and covering for his meanness to others and find your self on any and all important occasions twiddling your thumbs as he doesn't "believe in presents"

I'm sure there's more than a couple of threads on here with that theme if you're looking for some sobering reading.

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