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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about stingy new bf and gifts?

213 replies

merrychristmaseveryone · 22/12/2015 12:20

Newish relationship, seeing someone for 4 months.

Met his friends for the first time on the weekend (friend from work and his wife) has known them about 5 years.

Spoke to the wife as bf and get DH share a hobby and asked what I could get bf for xmas, a small token gift. She said she's bought my bf some gifts that she's not wrapped if I wanted to buy something off her as I may have left it too late to order now. One of the gifts alone was in the region of £50 I bought 2 things off her for £10 as I only wanted to get something small.

My bf is going to them xmas day and has been for the last 2 years. I asked him what he has bought them and the answer was nothing. I said you do realise they have got you something and his reply was yes they always get him gifts for xmas and birthdays. I asked im if he was embarrassed and he said he doesn't do gifts. If they give him something he just acts shocked and it gets him out of retiring the favour.

I am stunned to be honest, he is lovely but I've seen a different side to him. I think it's unbelievably selfish.

The reason I may still be thinking about this is I was totally embarrassed this weekend in meeting his friends. I only drink prosecco and I don't drink often, he stopped off at a garage on the way and asked him to get a bottle to take with us. He said don't get it I will go in. He came out with a bag and said don't worry he's sorted it. When we got there the host was sorting drinks and I asked my bf where the bag was with my drink and he said he didn't get any as they have got loads (in front of the hosts) the host retrieved a bottle out of a gift bag from under the tree. I protested but she said it was fine.
I spoke to her privately later in the evening and explained and she said it was fine not to worry they had bought loads of bottles they have had for ages but they were bought as gifts. She laughed it off but said my BT had form for this.

AIBU to get a gift for the hosts and wrap it without a gift tag and force him to take it along? It's been playing on my mind since this happened at the weekend and I've asked him to get something anything and he said no.

I've not got much money but was thinking to spend about £10 on some nice chocs and wine? Do I sign it from me, my bf both? I don't want to come across as rude.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/12/2015 12:58

Dump now.

Pipistrella · 22/12/2015 13:00

What I mean is if you kick him and his behaviour to the kerb, it sends a very strong message that this is not acceptable.

You surely want people to envy you your partner - for them to be someone you are proud to show off, proud to introduce to your friends and family.

This one will make you ashamed instead. No one will like him.

He's not your responsibility.

knobblyknee · 22/12/2015 13:01

Wake Up Call; Is he acting lovely with you the same way he acts shocked when someone gives him a gift?

If you stay with him, you will have this impossible, embarrassing situation every birthday, every Xmas, every party.
If you are going on Xmas day just take a small gift from both of you. You take it, you hand it over. Everyone will understand. If its just him going, leave it.
New year, new BF IMHO.

YellowTulips · 22/12/2015 13:02

People like your BF are a menace.

It's not about money - it's the fact that they are so self centred and egocentric.

They think being polite doesn't matter to those around them and brush of the embarrassment other people feel on their behalf.

It's a huge red flag and highly unattractive trait because fundamentally they are telling people by their actions that they are not important enough to consider any degree of reciprocation. They are saying they are superior because normal expressions of social etiquette don't apply to them and rely on people like you OP to mop up after them.

I wouldn't even consider taking this relationship forward.

MerryMarigold · 22/12/2015 13:06

OP, think about next Christmas. How will you feel at his fake surprise that you got him a gift and he gives you....nothing. If you are the kind who eventually wants to get married...you'll be choosing and paying for your own ring. This guy is being enabled to be mean as it seems like there's no consequences for him. His friends are way too kind. Get out now and teach him a lesson. And tell him why too.

Frostycake · 22/12/2015 13:07

Oh no. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you've got yourself a Scrooge there.

I had one of these and he is still the same (he is 50 next year!)

In the past, he;

Always forgot his wallet when out. Went to the loo when it was his round. Forgot to buy presents for friends and family. Promised to 'treat' me and buy things 'for me' in company but then when we were alone asked me to pay. Used to ask me for money before we went out so that he could look like the big man paying for everything.

Tight people never turn into generous people.

magoria · 22/12/2015 13:09

You are really setting yourself up here.

It is not your job to make a lazy selfish tight man look less tight.

Especially not a man you have only been dating 4 months.

He is telling you what all your birthdays, Christmases and anniversaries will be if you stay with him.

You buy thoughtful gifts. You get nothing.

If you can live with this go for it. The constant embarrassment of going to his friends or covering for him.

After 4 months? Nah don't waste more.

MaisieDotes · 22/12/2015 13:09

He's a tight fisted sponging liar.

^ This pretty much sums it up.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 22/12/2015 13:12

No I wouldnt and I'd also be splitting up with him. Hes tight, a free loader. Not very caring and a liar. Off you fuck tight arse 👋

specialsubject · 22/12/2015 13:13

I'm all for stopping the exchange of tat, but when you are invited somewhere for a meal, that is a gift of time, effort and cash. So you reciprocate by bringing something. Not to do that is rude.

is it worth it, OP?

Marcipex · 22/12/2015 13:14

What a little rat of a guy. Why would you want to be with a selfish lying arrogant tightwad with no social skills or consideration for others? Just asking.

RoosterCogburn · 22/12/2015 13:14

I'd seriously consider walking away.

One of the qualities I love most about my DH is is generosity - he isn't especially financially well off, but he is as generous as he can be.

I'm also guessing as he 'doesn't do gifts' you are nt going to be getting anything either

MerryMarigold · 22/12/2015 13:15

I have to say, there is tight and there is freeloading. Dh is a bit tight, but equally, he would never take from someone else and always wants to give exactly what he has received! The prosecco incident was dreadful.

PlaysWellWithOthers · 22/12/2015 13:23

Your BF is a cocklodger in the making.

He takes and gives nothing back, he does it with malice aforethought.

You have little money, but you've spent £20 on him for Christmas, what do you think he's spent on you, someone he's known for 4 months, when he's never taken a gift to friends who have shared their Christmas with him for years?

I know we don't give to receive, but this man has shown himself to be tight, a liar and incredibly disprepectful to people he purports to care about.

Don't walk away. Run.

Sansoora · 22/12/2015 13:29

I would run a mile.

He sounds awful.

TwoInTheMourning · 22/12/2015 13:31

Yuk, I could never find a man like that attractive. LTB

UkmmTheSecond · 22/12/2015 13:33

If you buy a gift on his behalf now you'll be setting yourself up to do it for everyone he pulls this shit on, his mum, his family etc, plus birthday cards (that you will write for him) anniversary cards etc.

Having to do this stuff for a grown man would make me lose respect for him. Being genuinely skint is one thing, but taking the piss the way he is will show in other areas.

Like splitting the bill when out and ordering lobster, knicking off when it's his turn to buy a round etc.

Imagine if you have dc together at some point, it'll be you sorting everything out, because he doesn't do ...( whatever it is decent grown adults do) He sounds like he's happy to reap benefits and accept stuff from others hard work, but not put in any effort himself. If he's like this with an easy task like buying a gift, do you think he'll be any good with getting up in night with crying baby, doing his share of housework, paying half the bills etc.

The examples you've given show him to be selfish and entitled, they are not even one offs, that'll show in other areas at some point. Be it sex, money,emotions etc.

Being skint is one thing, or even frugal is understandable, but he sounds like he's perfectly happy to keep his own money while accepting generous gifts from his mates. (And probably family too)

If you will be seeing his mates over Xmas, by all means buy something small, from you, but don't put his name on it (unless he actually helps choose something and contributes financially) and certainly don't give it to him to give to them from him. (I wouldn't trust him not to open it himself in the way anyway)

It would be a deal breaker for me tbh. Is he at least buying you a gift?

Dipankrispaneven · 22/12/2015 13:33

I assume you're not expecting any presents off him for Christmas? How is that going to feel?

Whatdoidohelp · 22/12/2015 13:34

Run for the hills!

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2015 13:34

You do realise that if there is the slightest chance he's bought you a Christmas present it's from the Poundshop, don't you?

Badders123 · 22/12/2015 13:35

When someone tells you who they are....listen.
Run for the hills!

BogusCatAndThePunk · 22/12/2015 13:36

Dump the boyfriend and keep the friends, they sound lovely.........

Birdsgottafly · 22/12/2015 13:38

The party incident would piss me off, can't stand that sort of behaviour.

I would have made an issue out of it, the next day and him not replacing the Prosecco would be a deal breaker.

However, I've had people give me presents at Christmas, even though I've said I don't do gifts for adults. I never reciprocated year after year, I don't buy gifts for adults, outside of my immediate family. I'm not going to be bullied into doing so.

If I was invited somewhere, I'd take a food/drink item, though.

I wouldn't let it split you, yet, but you do need to decide how important getting gifts, is.

You need to have your eyes open to Red Flags.

Goingtobeawesome · 22/12/2015 13:38

If you wish to give the hosts a gift, do, but sign it from you. He isn't interested in being a polite human being so don't credit him with being so. I'm not sure I could be with someone so grabby. A box of chocolates is a fiver if he's that broke. I suspect he's not through, just poor in manners.

I'd be dumping him today tbh.

Fitzers · 22/12/2015 13:40

I agree, run away. A mean spirited person is usually not just mean with money in my experience

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