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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about stingy new bf and gifts?

213 replies

merrychristmaseveryone · 22/12/2015 12:20

Newish relationship, seeing someone for 4 months.

Met his friends for the first time on the weekend (friend from work and his wife) has known them about 5 years.

Spoke to the wife as bf and get DH share a hobby and asked what I could get bf for xmas, a small token gift. She said she's bought my bf some gifts that she's not wrapped if I wanted to buy something off her as I may have left it too late to order now. One of the gifts alone was in the region of £50 I bought 2 things off her for £10 as I only wanted to get something small.

My bf is going to them xmas day and has been for the last 2 years. I asked him what he has bought them and the answer was nothing. I said you do realise they have got you something and his reply was yes they always get him gifts for xmas and birthdays. I asked im if he was embarrassed and he said he doesn't do gifts. If they give him something he just acts shocked and it gets him out of retiring the favour.

I am stunned to be honest, he is lovely but I've seen a different side to him. I think it's unbelievably selfish.

The reason I may still be thinking about this is I was totally embarrassed this weekend in meeting his friends. I only drink prosecco and I don't drink often, he stopped off at a garage on the way and asked him to get a bottle to take with us. He said don't get it I will go in. He came out with a bag and said don't worry he's sorted it. When we got there the host was sorting drinks and I asked my bf where the bag was with my drink and he said he didn't get any as they have got loads (in front of the hosts) the host retrieved a bottle out of a gift bag from under the tree. I protested but she said it was fine.
I spoke to her privately later in the evening and explained and she said it was fine not to worry they had bought loads of bottles they have had for ages but they were bought as gifts. She laughed it off but said my BT had form for this.

AIBU to get a gift for the hosts and wrap it without a gift tag and force him to take it along? It's been playing on my mind since this happened at the weekend and I've asked him to get something anything and he said no.

I've not got much money but was thinking to spend about £10 on some nice chocs and wine? Do I sign it from me, my bf both? I don't want to come across as rude.

OP posts:
nancy75 · 22/12/2015 18:27

He sounds as tight as arseholes, there is nothing less attractive than a tightfisted person (they always seem more than happy to spend other people's money just not their own) I would dump and move on, in my experience mean people get worse as they get older, not better.

AyeAmarok · 22/12/2015 18:40

OP you sound like a really lovely person. You honestly do.

Please don't think this twat is all you're worth Sad

Enjolrass · 22/12/2015 18:40

Do not make him take a gift from him.

If you know where they live, take something from you.

Don't enable his behaviour. This would put me right off someone.

mintoil · 22/12/2015 18:49

Dump him - what's wrong with you???!!!

Pidapie · 22/12/2015 18:50

Wah, this sounds like a terribly bad mannered person :/ Not worth it!

Theworldmakesnosense · 22/12/2015 18:52

Dump the bell end Hmm

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 22/12/2015 18:54

He deliberately embarrassed you in front of his friends. Get rid.

SquinkiesRule · 22/12/2015 18:57

Deal breaker for me, hes tightfisted and a liar.
He has a high probability of turning into a cocklodger. Then you would be on the end of his tightfistedness.

notapizzaeater · 22/12/2015 18:59

Omg, he's really tight and how rude to con you into thinking he'd bought a bottle

notquitehuman · 22/12/2015 18:59

So many red flags. And this is still early days when he's on best behaviour. I wouldn't fancy a future with someone like this to be honest.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 22/12/2015 19:03

You'll live a miserable life with a mean person. It impacts on so many things.
I also find that mean people aren't kind very often either.
It's the little kind acts in life that often make all the difference.
I love my dhs kindness and generosity. It's such a good basis for a more relaxed life.

guinnessgirl · 22/12/2015 19:11

Ugh, run a mile. He won't change and you'll be making up for his shortcomings your whole life. Value yourself more than this and get rid!

foxessoxes · 22/12/2015 19:11

I find it really sad that these people are still inviting your partner for Xmas. He must be able to crack a damn good joke Confused

clippityclop · 22/12/2015 19:11

Take the wise advice here and run for the hills right now! You deserve so much better.

Twinklestein · 22/12/2015 19:15

Don't force him just leave him.

DinosaursRoar · 22/12/2015 19:24

OP - does your boyfriend have any family? interesting he's gone to a relatively recent friend's house for the last couple of years for Christmas day rather than family, does he have any other friends or anyone else in his life?

He doesn't seem to be treating them very well, he doesn't seem to care about their feelings. This does seem rather like they are friends of his as an act of charity.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2015 20:01

Oh dear he sounds mean and rude, no it does not bode well for the future. That would be a dealbreaker. Can't stand people like that. Not only that, he tricked you into thinking he was taking the hosts something, when he kept it for himself, sneaky.

Original poster
merrychristmaseveryone · 22/12/2015 23:42

I've popped in and the gift was very well received, we ended up drinking the prosecco. The peace has been made and I feel so much better for it. We ended up having a lovely chat and it took a while but I ended up finding out quite a bit about my not so lovely bf. He is a tight ass of the highest order!

She told me the tightest moment was when they invited him on a last minute holiday and he went. They were to pay the hotel bill on check out and gave him the receipt to pay separate. He ran out of money on the first day and ended up subbing him. On check out he hadn't converted the receipt into euros so he was short so they made up the difference but couldn't afford the coach fare back. He said don't worry I will go to the cash machine with you as she needed to get some money. She said she used it first saw her withdraw cash and then didn't bother getting any money out. She wanted to get some duty free. She said he finally paid her back a few weeks later.

I did ask what she thought and she said whats a few beers and the odd meals between friends and he is nice at heart.

So I've come away thinking really nice friends of his but that he is a tight ass.

I will be having a word with him about it to see if I can change his ways, if he is a lost cause then I will get shot of him. I am seeing him tomorrow as I'm busy until Boxing Day so I will see if he turns up with anything or comes empty handed.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 22/12/2015 23:54

You know what OP, it sounds as though you have made some new friends in the bargain. She sounds amusing and cool and very generous. You should stay in touch with them and ditch him.

Keep him as a friend if you wish but NOT as a lover, BF, potential husband, etc. - unless you essentially want to assume the role as mommy picking up the pieces and apologizing for him everywhere you turn. Hold out for a man who is of generous spirit and competent in managing money. Trust me, I have friends whose life is a misery due to men like him.

I mean, why did he run out of $$ the first day on holiday? What kind of child-man does that?

FortyFacedFuckers · 23/12/2015 00:14

To be honest OP it actually sounds like she is trying to warn you off him. I really think you should run for the hills, I could never go out with some one stingy like this.

AyeAmarok · 23/12/2015 00:30

Agree with Lea, his friend sounds nice and you should keep in touch with her, after you dump him Smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2015 00:53

I think people do this with friends. I've had a few who have questionable things about them (ladies man, Tory etc.) but their faults are outweighed by their positives (funny, kind). With a BF, the questionable things become more problematic.

There are a couple of dear, male friends who I wouldn't touch with someone else's barge-pole and have tried to warn nice women off them to no avail.

tallwivglasses · 23/12/2015 01:05

I'm sorry, I don't know how you could even contemplate having sex with him after witnessing that. But while you're working on 'changing his ways' just think of other more generous, respectful guys out there you might be missing out on. That makes me sad because you sound caring and dead nice.

bumbleymummy · 23/12/2015 01:14

I agree with everyone else! That was a really nice thing for you to do and it's great that you got to hear more about him. It's a shame it wasn't good!

HowBadIsThisPlease · 23/12/2015 01:14

Only now, reading this do I realise how many mistakes I have made. I have never expected a man I was with to go into a shop and get stuff on both our behalfs - I have always turned up with a bottle, flowers, chocolates, etc - and now [shame] I realise that by taking it for granted that I would do that I have allowed men to float through life thinking that someone else was always taking care of things. Then later in the relationship they have been horrified and annoyed to find that it isn't effortless, that they are expected to contribute too.

OP - you were right to say "please go into the garage and get prosecco", you are right to be appalled that he didn't, and I am an idiot to have spent so much of my life preparing for going out with men so they don't have to lift a finger