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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 21/12/2015 18:46

HarryHausen I suspect some people aren't being honest either.

things my dad used to say "ask them to stop once, ask them to stop twice; if they carry on then it's their own fault" and I stand by that.

If you're old enough to bully someone you're old enough to take it.

Enjolrass · 21/12/2015 18:47

If my mum had stuck up for he like that I'd have remembered it all my life.

My dd remembers we stuck up for her and sorted her out, while remaining the adult and not sinking to their level.

HicDraconis · 21/12/2015 18:48

I must be reading a different thread. OP said she has spoken to the sister in law (several times) who "will have words later" (and obviously never has) and has told her niece off for her critical comments with minimal effect. Today she'd had enough and snapped when her DD was close to tears. However from OP's follow up posts it seems this didn't have much effect on her niece either. OP didn't use the word "hussy", someone else on the thread did - but it's been attributed to OP.

I don't think OP was unreasonable in the slightest and I would hate a child of mine to go to school with op's DN, she sounds like a bully who makes herself feel big by making others feel small. Sadly a taste of her own treatment seems to have gone over her head.

BlueJug · 21/12/2015 18:48

Appalling behaviour on your part and appalling attitude. If a child is unpleasant you ask her not to be, you show how to be nice. If your daughter is unhappy you stop seeing those people for a bit. You are not nice to judge your niece - she and SiL will know how little you think of them - it will come through in all sorts of ways that you don't realise.

And to be as nasty about - and directly to - an 8 year old child - is quite simply awful. You are the bully - not a child who is just learning how to engage with people. Maybe your DD isn't that easy to be friends with. Maybe your DD sits there like a perfect little madam and makes no effort - and this is the "horror" 's way of getting her attention. We don't know. But what you did certainly is not the way to deal with it. What have you taught them both??

You think that your D is perfect - there's some that might not agree with you - SiL for one. I'd ease off for a bit. No-one seems to be getting much out of this relationship.

Enjolrass · 21/12/2015 18:48

Yes of course... People who disagree aren't being honest and are goodie goodies. Confused

RudeElf · 21/12/2015 18:49

If a child is a little shit, nothing wrong with telling them.

Nothing much right about it though is there?

If the child isnt justified in insulting the DD then OP isnt justified in insulting the child. Otherwise you are saying we can all just make up our own justifications and say whatever the hell we like.

SummerNights1986 · 21/12/2015 18:49

Yes YWBVU.

Had your response come from your 10 year old DD, i'd be saying 'Well Done! Good for her standing up for herself and putting the little brat in her place!'

But it didn't come from a 10 year old. A 10 year olds response came from an adult and it probably made you sound ridiculous.

Did you pull her pigtails as you said it? Hmm

Oysterbabe · 21/12/2015 18:51

Just to add another yabu voice to the masses.
The adult thing to do would be to tell her off for criticising your DD's clothes not try to upset and humiliate her by criticising her clothes. She's 8 fgs.

TaliZorah · 21/12/2015 18:53

RudeElf the child didn't respond to it being dealt with nicely. The child carried on being horrible.

I'm not going to argue with everyone, but I would have done the same. As would some other posters. Sorry but I have no sympathy for bullies (and "bullying" the bully isn't the same.)

Moonriver1 · 21/12/2015 18:54

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FunkyPeacock · 21/12/2015 18:54

YABU

"If you've got nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all" would have been my response

I can understand you were really annoyed but making a personal attack on the clothes she wears basically makes you no better than your niece (at least your niece has the excuse of being a child)

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 18:54

Sugar if I had been nieces Mum I would be more ashamed of how my DD is a nasty wee bully that I wasn't disciplining properly that made OP snap and say that in the first place!

OP ok you snapped, not ideal but understandable. I can only assume those that seem to be sticking up for this bully have had no experience of relentless of their child. As in life sometimes the bully seems to get more sympathy than the victim - all the people expressing concern for her and tripping over to slate OP I don't see any concern for the effects of the bullying on her DD.

RudeElf · 21/12/2015 18:55

I'm normally against bringing up other threads but in this instance i think it's relevant.

tali you have a thread running right now about your EXp and his abusive messages to you. I find it a bit odd that you cant see how modelling abusive language to a child can lead to adults exhibiting exactly the behaviour you are geting from your exp. You are justifying being verbally abusive to a child so then you must accept that your ex is justified in being verbally abusive to you, simply because he can justify it?

pretend · 21/12/2015 18:55

Not your finest hour OP.

However, I could well imagine snapping too in the circumstances. Might be worth an apology to the SIL as well as pointing out that you expect that to be the end of the taunting from your niece now.

Pepperpot99 · 21/12/2015 18:57

OP I don't think you handled it well. I would have said firmly to SIL 'we will not be visiting again until your dd is able to hold off with the spiteful and cruel comments' and then left.

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 18:58

Blue jug, not nice to judge the niece? They will know how little OP thinks of them? Good god. It just gets worse. Yes OP was wrong and shouldnt have snapped but if it was me too right I would judge a child bullying my own and a useless parent not willing to deal with it.

Supermanspants · 21/12/2015 18:59

Laguna Nobody is sticking up for the bully. The OP is being called out on HOW she dealt with it.

TaliZorah · 21/12/2015 18:59

RudeElf insulting a bully is entirely different from an abusive relationship.

Original poster
CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:59

So what if I behaved that way one time, she's not my bloody child is she? My own Dd understands that it's not nice to criticise other people but also that people aren't perfect and sometimes they snap and say things maybe they shouldn't, that's just life i'm afraid. So if my niece has learnt bullying behaviour and turned into a nasty little witch then she has learnt it from her mother not her auntie!

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 21/12/2015 18:59

You've tried the nice, responsible, grown-up way and it hasn't worked in the slightest.

So she went for the nasty, irresponsible, childish way instead.

Way to go, OP Hmm

Notrevealingmyidentity · 21/12/2015 18:59

I'm sorry but you could have told her off without sneering at the way she dresses. You have essentially behaved no better than her.

SquinkiesRule · 21/12/2015 19:00

You lost it, thats understandable to me, seeing SIL has done nothing and continued to let Niece bully her cousin.
I wouldn't have gone as far as you did I hope
Now maybe your Niece will think twice before commenting on other peoples looks. What a nasty child.

ghostyslovesheep · 21/12/2015 19:00

'nasty little witch' Hmm

you sound delightful OP

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 21/12/2015 19:01

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Supermanspants · 21/12/2015 19:01

Completely missed the point there Tali