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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:

ghostspirit · 21/12/2015 19:01

not read the thread to lazy.

if it was me and sil was doing nothing. i would have said to the 8 year old in a firm projected type voice to make sure sil can hear. You need to stop saying them unkind words to xxx. how would you like it if someone said them to you. and left it at that.

for an adult to say the things you did to a child is a step to far.

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 19:01

And Bluejug you win the award for attempting to victim blame - maybe it's the OPs DD fault that she's being bullied - that is a disgusting and completely unnecessary thing to say.

Supermanspants · 21/12/2015 19:02

OP why did you post this in AIBU as clearly you don't think YABU.

Original poster

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 19:03

And no, KIDS should not necessarily be allowed to wear "what the hell they like" not at such a young age especially if it's inappropriate which most of what my niece wears is just that. Obviously she has the right to wear whatever the hell her mum allows her to BUT she has no right to criticise my Dd.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 19:03

Superman pants still don't see any sympathy for OPs DD the victim though eh?! In fact now someone has came along and said it might all be her own fault for being bullied. Disgusting.

lighteningirl · 21/12/2015 19:04

Well done your Dd will always remember this and hopefully both your dn and your twat of a sil will check their own behaviours

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 21/12/2015 19:04

She is a child.

Children learn how to behave from the adults in their lives.

You have just reinforced her behaviour.

RudeElf · 21/12/2015 19:04

RudeElf insulting a bully is entirely different from an abusive relationship.

Well youve missed my point. I meant can you not see how modelling abusive language to a child could lead to that child becoming the abusive adult that you are now experiencing. And also, insulting a bully does precisely zero other than to piss them off and make them want to hurt you again for their (justified in their head because you hurt them) revenge. It might make you feel better at the time but really, an adult calling a child a shit to their face rather than actually dealing with bullying is a real cop out.

Supermanspants · 21/12/2015 19:04

BUT she has no right to criticise my Dd
But you do....yes?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 21/12/2015 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 21/12/2015 19:07

Telling your niece off- absolutely fine. It sounds as if someone needs to and it takes a village and all that.

The particular way you did it, not fine. And counter productive. You can't expect to stop somebody behaving in a particular way by behaving in the same way!

yorkshapudding · 21/12/2015 19:07

OP: AIBU
Everyone: Yes
OP: No, I'm not!

Look, your DN is obviously a nightmare and your SIL was completely irresponsible not to have nipped this nastiness in the bud as soon as it started. If you had "snapped" and told her off for being unkind and a bully then no one could blame you. The problem is, you didn't tell her off for her behaviour, you just embarrassed her by making unpleasant, personal comments about her clothing. Which is the exact same thing she has been doing to your DD and that you've wanted your SIL to tell her is not acceptable. Can't you see the hypocrisy at all? What you're DN has been doing to your poor DD is horrible but it doesn't justify you, as a grown woman, bullying and publicly humiliating an 8 year old child.
If you want to make things better for your DD then you would have been better off telling SIL that you would be keeping DD away from DN until she addresses the bullying issue.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 21/12/2015 19:07

Well this is pustulating along nicely

IguanaTail · 21/12/2015 19:08

tali maybe another comment to avoid saying at your first teaching interview.

OP - you should have said to your sister in law "your daughter is being appalling to my dd. Either you take her outside now to tell her off about this and put a stop to this right now, or I will. What's your pleasure?" You could have done this privately if necessary. While her mum was present, you needed to give her first refusal to discipline her own child.

If her mum hadn't been there you could have taken the niece outside yourself and said "xx, I do NOT like seeing my daughter looking upset and that is due to you making nasty comments. We are a family and we are kind to each other and we don't make personal comments about people's appearances. The right thing to do is to make things right by saying sorry. What do you plan to do?"

You might feel that she is a hard nosed cow who wasn't even slightly affected, but you're wrong. The toughest of madams has an inner lack of security and at that age she was no match for you and therefore you taught her that the biggest bully wins. You don't sort out a bully at that age by bullying them. You explain why it is wrong, you re-state the expectation within the family (or group) and you give them a way out and a way forward.

JamesBlonde1 · 21/12/2015 19:09

I'm on your side OP. Niece is a jealous bully. You dress your daughter nicely. Not your daughters fault your SIL fails to parent her daughter properly. How many more times were you expected to put up with this crap?

Clearly the child will not have listened to more moderate warnings. That's not how she operates. Particularly if she was so brazen to have said these nasty comments in front of YOU and her MOTHER. Sadly she requires different management.

You did the right thing for your daughter and she'll be happy you stood up for her. You can easily explain that you wouldn't normally say that but in the circumstances it's ok.

Cabrinha · 21/12/2015 19:10

We'll you fucked that up, didn't you?

The niece doesn't buy those clothes on her own.

How about teaching both girls that they can wear what they want, the issue is judging other people?

So you've just taught your niece that bullying is OK, and taught your own daughter that it's OK to judge people by their clothes.

You should have told your niece that she is rude. And you should stop socialising with them if necessary.

But telling an 8yo that her arse is hanging out of her leggings? Just makes you a rude bitch.

ouryve · 21/12/2015 19:10

You needed to stick up for your DD, but you could have done that without doing exactly what you're sick of your niece doing. You should simply have told her that your DD wears what she enjoys wearing and that you will not tolerate unkind comments about it. If she (DN) chooses to dress a certain way, that's up to her (and her mum) but we are all individuals and she needs to respect that.

Enjolrass · 21/12/2015 19:11

tali

If you want to be a teacher, you will grateful of the parents who remain mature and don't resort to insults about children.

It will make life easier for you.

IguanaTail · 21/12/2015 19:12

I'm more concerned that this might be how she chooses to resolve bullying issues in her own class.

MNHQ

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 21/12/2015 19:13

Hi all,
We are getting quite a few reports about this thread, and will look at it now, but can we ask in the meantime for a bit more peace and love, as befits the season?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 21/12/2015 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabbitSaysWoof · 21/12/2015 19:14

Your niece sounds horrible. You did both girls a favour if she winds her neck in, not to mention the other children she goes to school with.
I'm surprised people are so shocked.

Original poster

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 19:14

Thanks JamesBlonde. I'm being made out to be some kind of childish monster when in reality nothing could be further from the truth and usually I'm a "grown up" and have never spoke to a child like that before. Some people have just jumped on the band wagon without reading my post properly which clearly stated that I've already spoken with both my SiL and niece many times but still this behaviour has continued, is it any wonder I lost my rag?

I didn't turn round and call her a hussy like suggested, I simply mentioned my nieces clothes as she thought it ok to criticise my dd's clothes so I wanted her to realise that it's not so nice to have her clothes or her dress sense scrutinised by others.

OP posts:

lastqueenofscotland · 21/12/2015 19:15

Oh my Christ op she's wearing crop tops not nipple tassels and corsets.

You were totally unreasonable and actually a vile bully to a girl of EIGHT YEARS OLD.
Surely you can see the hypocracy in hating someone being mean about your dds clothes and then being mean about someone else's clothes. I mean come on it's blindingly obvious.

You had every right to be like "shut up stop being horrid" none at all to say things like that.
Impossibly unpleasant

Enjolrass · 21/12/2015 19:16

So why did you post?

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