To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

[CharlotteY1]

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

Tali - a teacher (to be) that understands bullying - you are a rare breed -
My DD was no wallflower but the bullies destroyed her confidence, her self worth, i could see this becoming a mental health issue - with yes suicidal thoughts - she was year 6 -
The last 18 minths have been hard up hill battle to get her better - we arent there yet.
Tit for tat playground stuff is different to full on bullying. Thats what most teachers fail to undersrand.

Sally. Does "a taste of their own medicine" include physical actions?

Should teachers give bullies a "taste of their own medicine"?

Hmm - interesting that my post was deleted. Perhaps in schools we do need to stop with the empathy and trying to understand the reasons behind certain behaviour.

And perhaps we should just adopt the lazy approach proposed on here of labelling children as either "innocent" or "little shits", based on our own personal prejudices.

Yes, that should work.

The only thing you need to understand is that the bullies want to have the power. SIL was happy for her DD to use that - OP was not -
No you dont need to hit, but you do need to come down hard and not dismiss these incidents as kids being kids.
The DN will continue with other kids unless her mother steps up, accepts her behaviour is not right and parents her child. OP should not have been put in that position. Its not jer job, SIL failed the DD, OP and OP DD - simple.

Thank you for telling us what we all need to know about how to manage bullying behaviour in schools, sally.

Perhaps you could start a blog for teachers to follow so that we don't get bogged down in the pesky business of seeing the whole child, rather than just focussing on their bad behaviour and labelling them accordingly. Thank goodness you came along to show us the error of our ways!

You`re welcome.

Sally - as the victim of bullies and the parent of victims of bullies, I understand the anger that you and the OP feel towards the children who are bullying your child and hers - I really do.

However, I have to believe that the children doing this need not only to be disciplined, but also need to be changed - I have to believe in redemption. Do we really want to write off a child who has not yet hit puberty - because that is what Rhonda is trying to bring home to you - that the schools have to look at both children, and help them both.

Of course the child who is being bullied has to be supported, defended, helped, given confidence, healed - I am not denying that.

But we also need to look at the bullies, and find out why they are doing it - and attempt to teach them better ways to interact with their peers. Maybe it won't work for some - maybe some are utterly incorrigible and unsalvageable - but surely most children are not beyond hope, and only a truly heartless person would want a child written off completely.

I do not think that supporting the bully's victim and redeeming the bully are an either/or situation - I think we should do both.

I would love to have the chance to meet my bullies. I have attempted to contact them, via Friends Reunited, but with no response. I do want to confront them with the truth of what they did to me - and yes, I want them to feel bad for what they did - but I would also like to know that they have grown up as people, and that they regret what they did.

I am not sure it is ever going to happen - there is a reunion in 2016, of my year group from school, but I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go, much as I would like to tell everyone there how bad my school days were, how much pain was caused to me, both by the bullies and by everyone else who ignored what was happening - but it is too big a risk for me.

I have, however, acknowledged that, just as I was a child when it happened, so were they - and that I need to forgive them, for my own peace of mind.

Sally, please can you answer my questions.

tbh STDG i suspect that if you were in touch with your then bullies, they wouldn't care less.
Either because they wouldn't have learnt that doing that sort of things isn't nice and wouldn't be ashamed to have behaved like this.
Or because they really couldn't even imagine that it was that bad. I wouldn't be surprised if they saw all that as gentle teasing.

I would say YY to try and support/change bullies. They need help as much as the children being bullied do too.

However, I can't see the OP been in the position to do so. Her parents could though but clearly they don't see that as an issue.
So apart from the actually disciplining the child she can't do any of the much slower long term work that would need to be done. That isn't her responsibility nor in her remit.

You're right, Wood - the points I was making about changing the child weren't aimed at the OP, but were in answer to a 'label and write off' vibe from some other posters - I should have made that clear, I'm sorry.

That may be the case, Wood but I've been in touch recently with someone from my senior school, who I found by accident on social media - she was a bit wary of contact, because, she said, she "wasn't a very nice person back then". So sometimes people do realise.
In SDTG's case though, it's too big a risk. I wouldn't take it.