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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2015 22:52

Saying she should be encouraged to stand up for herself a bit rather than dissolving into tears, is not blaming?

Yes it is. You have no idea of OPs DDs confidence level and over all psychological health after sustained bullying - because thats what it sounds like has happened. A child can "stick up" for themselves as much as they can - wont make the slightest bit of difference if the bully doesn't stop bullying.

kali110 · 22/12/2015 22:53

Some kids don't feel able to stand up to bullying, that isn't their fault, even harder when it is their own family bullying them!
Yes, people have been insinuating that the dd has been at fault for not standing up for herself.

sdt so what if dd needed her mom to stand up for her?
'They both behaved badly'
No, the dd did not behave badly, it doesn't matter if she can't or won't stand up for herself it doesn't make it her fault.
What happened to never blaming the victim?

kali110 · 22/12/2015 22:54

If this was a different thread and not about kids and someone dared to blame the victim, people would be jumping on them for daring to blame them.

kali110 · 22/12/2015 22:56

LagunaBubbles
Agree, apparently though some of mumsnet think not blaming the victim only applies to some things.
Op's daughter should just suck it up, it's clearly her fault

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/12/2015 23:16

I am on the fence about whether the OP's dd should be encouraged to stick up for herself more.

Having been the bullied child, I cannot help wondering what would have happened if I had stood up for myself, or if I had had the self confidence to genuinely not care about what they were saying. I think I might have been less damaged by the bullying than I actually was.

But regardless of my confidence or ability to verbally thump,the bullies and make them back off, what happened to me was not my fault. It was 100% the bullies' fault.

I suppose I see it as giving armour the child who is being bullied. Not giving the child armour doesn't justify bullying, but giving them the armour might lessen the damage caused by it.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2015 23:21

Am I missing something? I haven't seen anyone on this thread blame the OP's dd for anything. I've seen lots of eight year old blaming, OP blaming and general vitriol directed at the eight year old's parents, but no blaming of the OP's dd. I also haven't seen any posts suggesting the OP's dd should have just sucked it up. Where are these posts?

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 23:32

They don't exist, round.

Apparently if you think equipping children with the skills to manage difficulties they may encounter in life, you're pandering to the bullies

SuburbanRhonda · 22/12/2015 23:33

*is a good idea

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2015 00:06

I think this post is blaming the OP's DD, as does Laguna, as quoted here.

LagunaBubbles Tue 22-Dec-15 22:46:32
"Being reduced to tears by a cousin 2 years younger than her teasing her about her clothes is a bit wet.I guess she is Y6 and starting secondary school soon.She needs to toughen up a bit!!"

And there we go, its bingo! All the victim of a bully has to do is toughen up a bit, why didnt I think of that as a 10 year old bully systematically destroyed our lives!! That attitude absolutely disgusts me and is the ultimate in victim blaming. On a site that prides itself on "we believe you" etc when it comes to adults, all of a sudden children that are bullied should "toughen up". Appalling attitude.

Brioche201 · 23/12/2015 03:28

That is my post and it is not in any way blaming the victim .the blame lies squarely with the bully
The point about developung resilience and confidence is a different issue.I am wondering if op's dd is an only child? Most children with siblings start learning to stand up for themselves from toddlerhood

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2015 04:04

How can you say that, Brioche?? YOu've said the DD "is a bit wet" and "needs to toughen up a bit" - both of which put the onus on the DD! She's too wet, not tough enough - how is that NOT blaming her?

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 06:31

It is an unkind post - I think being called wet is pejorative. However, it isn't blaming her for being bullied or saying she deserves to be picked on, it is asking why she reacted to the unprovoked bullying in the way that she did. It is asking why an eight year old child mocking an older child for her dress sense should be sufficiently upsetting to reduce the older child to tears. Surely they were more tears of frustration at not knowing an acceptable way to shut the child up without being told off herself, rather than tears of misery at having her sense of self torn apart? Teasing someone about their dress sense is precisely the sort of bullying that 100% of people will have experienced in their lifetime. It is not a moving house to get away from appalling abuse level of bullying if that is all that is going on. It is pathetic, typical, everyday bullying by the sound of it; the sort of bullying the parents of the child concerned should have dealt with a long time ago and which the OP could have dealt with more effectively had she not lost her temper and turned into a nasty bitch herself. It is not from the description of it the sort of bullying that merits the condemnation of an eight year old child to a lifetime of being viewed as a nasty piece of unloveable evil who deserves to be told how much she is disliked.

Nobody deserves to be mocked for their appearance. Wouldn't you agree???... It worries me that the people most outraged by the behaviour of an eight year old girl appear to be those most happy to dish insults out to people they think "deserve it." It's redolent of a bully's mindset, this idea that one individual can decide who deserves to be told they are worthless and then dish it out to them.

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 06:57

The dd isn't to blame at all.

I do agree though that the OP needs to help dd stand up for herself.

My dd is very similar. She was bullied badly and just froze when it happened. She couldn't bring herself to tell them to shut up or saying anything to defend herself.

Unfortunately that makes her a target for bullies. It's not right and not fair. But it's how it is. Bullies find someone who won't answer back.

It's a long road to get a child who isn't a natural at standing up for themselves, to do it. But it's worth it.

My ds is completely different. When he started school he complained that a boy took a toy off him. I asked him what he did and his reply was 'I took it back and said he was being unkind'. That was the end of it.

Dd would have just got upset. Ds has had a far easier time in school than dd.

Nobody bullies dd now because she has learnt it's ok to speak up.

That said I hate kids being called 'wet' or 'over sensitive' because they get upset when being bullied. It's a shit thing to say. Yes it's better if the dd can stand up for herself. But being derogatory about her because she doesn't feel able to isn't on.

Bambambini · 23/12/2015 06:59

It was unkind and blaming the daughter. But I guess wet people should just toughen up and quit crying.

Chopz · 23/12/2015 07:23

The best thing OP could have done is lead by example so that her DD learns effective ways of sorting things out. OP should have just told the bully she was being unkind and then stopped seeing her. No need for being nasty herself

tobysmum77 · 23/12/2015 07:27

Ffs brioche she is 10. The op says she is a sensitive child. She isn't going to toughen up, over time yes she needs to learn resilience but to expect all children to be there before they start secondary school is ridiculous. Being sensitive isn't just something you switch off you either are or you aren't.

After all the opposite of sensitive is insensitive, I know which I'd rather be

LagunaBubbles · 23/12/2015 07:38

Yes the post about being a "bit wet" and "toughen up" is one of the victim blaming statements, the posts are there if you read them SR. Attitudes like that put the onus firmly on the bullies victim and not the bully. My DS was more than capable of "standing up for himself" - this didn't stop the bullying at all.

LagunaBubbles · 23/12/2015 07:43

And it depends on the situation to - would love to know the posters who suggest all you need to do is teach your child to "stand up for themselves" would do this when the bully appears from nowhere and pushes your child in front of a car.

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 07:46

laguna the cousin pushed her in front of a car?

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 07:47

And I dealt with incidents which put my daughter in physical danger by involving the police

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 07:49

Enjolrass

Chopz · 23/12/2015 07:50

Can't bare victim blaming. I've seen it when parents of bullies don't know how to end the bulling, so blame the victim. It's much easier to point the finger elsewhere then actually deal with the issue (ie the bully)

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 07:53

The opposite of victim blaming is not joining in with being nasty, spiteful and inappropriate.

Pidapie · 23/12/2015 08:01

yabu, you should definitely have talked to her directly, but I think yabu to say the things you did. You need to also teach your child to stand up for herself.

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2015 08:03

"Op's daughter should just suck it up, it's clearly her fault"

Oh what utter bollocks. Nobody has said anything of the sort!

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