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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:
TaliZorah · 23/12/2015 18:48

I don't like her because she went out of her way to bully someone.

Don't give it if you can't take it

TaliZorah · 23/12/2015 18:49

And no. There are people I dislike, if for no reason I started insulting them that would be wrong.

If someone insulted me or my family and so I ripped them a new one, that would be their own fault

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 18:50

And if she can take it, in what way has anybody benefited from the OP's ludicrous outburst?

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 18:51

I seriously doubt it's made her think she must be nicer to her cousin.

TaliZorah · 23/12/2015 18:52

Even if it hasn't changed her behaviour hopefully it made her feel bad like she made OPs DD feel

Bambambini · 23/12/2015 18:53

"How can people feel sorry for the utter shit that is the neice?"

You don't know this little girl. That is such a strong way to talk of a little girl you have never met and only know about from a strangers words on the Internet. Are you really training to be a teacher?

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2015 18:57

"How can people feel sorry for the utter shit that is the niece?"

I would never call an 8 year old an utter shit.

But I don't feel sorry for her. And I don't think anyone else does. She sounds like a badly brought up brat.

EponasWildDaughter · 23/12/2015 18:59

''utter shit''?

To describe an 8 year old child who is most likely the product of bad parenting? Lovely.

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 19:00

If someone's mother told me they hated my clothes and that my arse hung out of them, I think the absolute last thing I would ever resolve to do would be to be nicer to her family from now on. I suspect I would actually think it confirmed what I'd seen written all over their [smug] faces every time I'd ever met them. You can't hide the amount of hatred the OP has expressed for her niece in her posts.

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 19:06

You just don't make a bully see the error of their ways by having your mother pick on them.

Sofiria · 23/12/2015 19:06

The niece was behaving like a bully and a brat by commenting negatively on OP's DD's clothes. OP would not have been unreasonable to tell her off for this in no uncertain terms, especially if her own mother didn't seem about to.

Commenting negatively on niece's clothes, though, and making remarks about her belly and bottom? Not on. She's 8 and OP really lost the moral high ground with that. I'm shocked by it, really. I know it's been said many times already on this thread, but that anyone thinks this is the right way to talk to a child is appalling. The message - which should have been that different people have different clothing preferences and styles and it's very immature (and in this case, bullying) behaviour to put down other people's to make yourself feel better - has been completely lost.

OP and the niece were as bad as each other, really.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/12/2015 19:11

tali you still haven't answered whether you're the same poster who's training to be a teacher.

If so, you need to pay more attention in your lectures otherwise you're going to find yourself out on your arse if you take those attitudes into a school.

TaliZorah · 23/12/2015 19:13

Oh DFO. Just because I don't believe bullies are little angels who just need to be dealt with politely doesn't mean I'm wrong.

And I don't think you understand the difference between thinking something and obeying the rules. Obviously I wouldn't talk to a child like that whilst at work. I might think they're a shit though

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 19:16

People know when you think they are a shit, Tali. You can't hide that level of contempt.

HamaTime · 23/12/2015 19:18

I don't think the OP was wrong because of some misplaced sympathy for what sounds like a 'challenging' 8yo. I just think she did the wrong thing by her own child, who was upset and needed either some coping strategies before the predictable onslaught or someone to tell the cousin to wind her neck in, not point out that her (OPs dd's) clothes are sensible and age appropriate and then give a demonstration on how to take the piss out off someones arse/clothes for being different. She could probably also do without her mother making her spend time with someone who constantly digs at her too.
I don't think there are many fashion/image conscious girls who would have listened to an adult woman with whom they have a bad relationship and think 'Yes, I do dress a little old, and my arse is big. I'll dress more sensibly, comfortably and age-appropriatly from now on'. More likely she thinks her aunt is some sort of hysterical pearl clutching per una wearing dinosaur and her cousin is a cry-baby mummy's girl in a sequinned top. That's not necessarily what I think but I'm not the one who's been publicly pulled up for wearing clothes that are too old for me so I don't have to invent a narrative that means I'm right and they are idiots.

abbieanders · 23/12/2015 19:21

How can people feel sorry for the utter shit that is the niece?

Well, I feel sorry for a child who us being attacked like this on the Internet, for a start, I also feel sorry for a child who isn't being taught how to relate to others by her parents and I feel sorry for a child who gets spoken to in this manner by an adult who does not have her interests at heart.

srslylikeomg · 23/12/2015 19:22

For the love of God: I before E people. Niece. Niece. NIECE.

EponasWildDaughter · 23/12/2015 19:23

the difference between thinking something and obeying the rules

... IS quite important in a job like teaching actually. And any job where understanding, empathy and a natural tendency towards inclusiveness should be a given.

Your attitude towards the children in your care each day should boil down to more than just 'obeying rules'. Happily expecting to feel like some of the children in your class are ''a shit'' before you even start doesn't bode well IMO.

TaliZorah · 23/12/2015 19:26

I'm a very empathetic person actually. More so than most, however my empathy is for the innocent. For those whose lives are ruined by bullying, for the people left with deep psychological problems, for those who commit suicide, for the children who fear going to school every day, for the children afraid to answer in class, for those with anxiety, for those who are left out and excluded and made to feel horrible.

Not the bullies.

Bambambini · 23/12/2015 19:30

Tali - you are making quite an impression. You keep popping up threads and suddenly the whole thread is all about you. For somone who seems to be quite new to this site - you are quite prolific and memorable.

TaliZorah · 23/12/2015 19:31

People ask me questions about me and I answer. I don't intentionally make it about me. If people didn't get so shocked when someone disagrees it wouldn't happen.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 23/12/2015 19:34

Like everyone, we all have a breaking point. OP knows she didnt handle it in the greatest way, but I can understand why she lost it.

Hopefully it'll make DN think again about making her cousin feel so shitty.

EponasWildDaughter · 23/12/2015 19:36

I don't sit around making spread sheets about posters or anything, but, just as when you work in a school (!) there are some names among the hundreds which stick in your head and become familiar quite quickly.

Yours is one of the stickers tali, and not in the ''sounds like an empathetic person'' category i'm afraid Grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/12/2015 19:36

Would the 'she was only giving the child a taste of her own medicine' justification still hold true if the niece had been hitting the OP's dd? If the OP had snapped after watching the niece hit her dd, and had walloped her, would people still be saying this was OK?

As another poster has said - if it is OK for a parent to dish out this sort of 'lesson', would it be OK if a teacher did it? Or a policeman?

Caprinihahahaha · 23/12/2015 19:42

It's turned into a bit of an issue around whether or not it's right for an adult to talk to a child as the op did.

I think it's more of a shame that the op had so few resources that she couldn't deal with an eight year old without resorting to making a tit of herself because, let's be honest, trash talking an eight year old is pretty high in the league of tit headed behaviour.