To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

[CharlotteY1]

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

Enjol, no, I was referring to my son who was bullied. Lots of "helpful" advice at the time to about "teaching him to stand up for himself" from people with zero experience of their child being bullied.

I do have experience of my chins being bullied as I have said before. Ending in the boy being charged by the police.

Still at no point did I give the child a taste of his own medicine.

Do you really think a school that calls a child names will think you are being reasonable?

No, I dealt with it in a matter of fact manner. Yes I wanted to tell the child and mother exactly what I thought. But I didn't because that not what I wanted to dd to see.

I understand why the OP snapped, I have sympathy for her dd.

She lost her temper, we all do. But it's still unreasonable behaviour

""A taste if their own medicine can be very helpful if someone has been consistently nasty or violent and nicer methods arent working."

So if a child thumps yours you go in and thump back? hmm"

No, I would prefer if my child felt confident enough to thump back harder as my husband eventually did, as I wish I had done as a child the odd time someone threatened or hit me (luckily very rarely) And if my child was being hit or attacked by other children, especially older - you can bet I'll physically protect them if it comes to it - what ever that would take. Sometimes stern words are not enough.

And that's not an admission that I would just thump a child for being nasty to or hotting mine.

Enjolras - you say your child was severely bullied, even hospitalised - I'm curious if in hindsight - you wish you had taken a different, more direct approach when it first kicked off rather than go down the polite official route.

OP im in the minority here but I agree with you. Clearly this kids mother has done nothing to stop her child being nasty. Therefore in my opinion you had no choice. People make me sick and you were right.

Brioche201 Post was certainly one victim blaming post!
Not all kids ( or adults) who are being bullied are able to stand up for themselves.
It doesn't mean that they are wet, and certain posts certainly do insinuate that the dd should have just stood up for herself!
In all this thread ( and in my first post i even said the op didn't go about things the right way) there is everybody having all this sympathy for the poor 8 year old bully but only a few posts offering sympathy for op's poor dd, who has been repeatedly put down.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius
I'm really sorry you went through that

The OP just told the child off with a few home truths thrown in. She didn't hit the niece or scream in her face.

Is the reason bullying seems to be a lot more common is that too many people are concerned for the bully and not the victim so it never gets resolved?

Teachers are too afraid to discipline effectively these days and as we see with the OP, parents let their little darlings get away with hurting other children's feelings. Bullies are not afraid of authority.

As a child I had suicidal thoughts due to bullying. My bully never got any form of effective punishment, from teachers or parents despite them knowing so she had no deterrent to stop.

My friend's nephew hung himself in a bid to escape bullying. None of the professional approaches saved him.

Is it OK for an adult to verbally abuse a child, Notagain? Because, whilst I absolutely agree that the child needed telling off, and have made suggestions of how to do this effectively, what the OP actually did was exactly the same as this child is doing to her dd, with the added weight of adult authority on top - and that is abusive, imo.

If it is wrong for the niece to say nasty things about the OP's dd's clothes, it cannot be right for the OP to do the same.

"
"The OP just told the child off with a few home truths thrown in"

The same sort of home truths her niece told her daughter?

Not the same home truths because OPs DD is in the right.

So you agree OP was in the wrong then?

I don't think OP was wrong no.

OPs daughter dresses nicely, is a kind polite child. The other child is a bully.

Utterly deserved.

The OP's daughter dresses nicely and her niece doesn't- in the OP's opinion

The OP's niece dresses nicely and her cousin doesn't- in the niece's opinion

The difference is- until yesterday only the niece expressed her opinion in a horrible, offensive way. Sadly now both of them have.

The point is not how either of the girls dress- the point is that the niece has behaved very unpleasantly. It is that that she should have been bollocked for, not her clothes.

yes but the pleasant ways of dealing with it weren't getting through.

Retaliation is different to instigating

You don't actually know how the dd dresses but that's beside the point.

Tell me, will you, how the 8 year old commenting on the dd's clothing is bullying, but the adult commenting on the dn's clothing is not?

Because in my opinion, retaliation isn't the same and the bully deserved it

Bullying is day in day out not one comment. The other child was deliberately upsetting the OPs

But it wasn't retaliation.

If the dd had commented, that would be retaliation.

But OP insulted her; OP who hadn't been insulted by dn.

So that's not retaliation, is it?

It is. It's retaliation for the child upsetting her child.

But the niece chose not to retaliate. Her mother chose to attack, just to show her dd how normal it is to be offensive about other people's taste in clothes.

No she was showing her DD that bullies get what they deserve

No, she was showing her dd what a bully she is.

No she wasn't. One comment isn't bullying, and in my oopinion it's not bullying to "bully" a bully

She was also giving the niece ammunition against her dd.

How can people feel sorry for the utter shit that is the neice?

In your opinion, it isn't bullying if you don't like somebody. Somebody who, in your case you have never even met.