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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have finally put my niece in her place after taunting my daughter for what she wears?

586 replies

CharlotteY1 · 21/12/2015 18:00

I have a ten year old Dd and an 8 almost 9 year old niece. For a while now when have vsisted my SiL's house or been on a day out together my niece takes it upon herself to carefully "assess" what my dd is wearing and if she doesn't like it then she doesn't hide it.

My Dd is quite a sensitive child and whilst she can usually brush off any teasing she is now sick of her cousin constantly scrutinising what she wears and making fun of her. I've had words with my SiL about this in the past but she just brushes it off sayid that she will "have words with her" but still it continues.

Well today we have been out for our annual Christmas meal, my Dd was dressed lovely yet as per my niece decided to have digs at her telling her that she looks stupid and that's not how her fiends dress. My SiL was sat right next to my niece and then my Dd next to her so she would have heard what she was saying, yet she chose to ignore it. My niece carried on and by this point my Dd was almost in tears so I decided to say something. I told my niece that at least my Dd dresses for her age, she wears clothes that are comfortable and stylish instead of walking round in belly tops and leggings with her backside hanging out! Now you can guess that after blatantly ignoring her dd calling my dd my SiL happened to hear what I had to say didn't she?.....well she wasn't happy. But you know what.....tough, why should I let my not so darling niece ridicule for my dd yet again who by the way dresses lovely usually wearing smart skinny jeans with jewelled tops, body warmer, and smart hi tops, or gorgeous skirt top sets etc. She doesn't walk round looking like she's a teenager like my 8 year old niece does flashing her arse and belly, so Aibu for finally saying something? My Dh doesn't think I am as he's admitted his niece is a little madam but maybe I could have timed it better.

OP posts:

Pidapie · 23/12/2015 08:04

I don't mean that standing up for herself will stop the bullying, but it might make her strong enough to deal with comments on her clothes when she is older, as girls can be quite likely to give these, without it necessarily escalating to bullying!

Notagainmun · 23/12/2015 08:19

I think having a taste of her own medicine will teach the bullying niece a much needed lesson. You had given your SIL several chances to sort it but she choose to ignore her daughter's behaviour, letting the child think she can get away with her nastiness. Children of that age are very able to understand empathy and maybe now on the receiving end she will indeed be a little empathetic.

Don't beat yourself up OP you also showed your daughter how to deal with a bully in the only language they understand. Those who don't agree probably have never been a victim or had a child be a victim of bullying.

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2015 08:41

"Don't beat yourself up OP you also showed your daughter how to deal with a bully in the only language they understand. Those who don't agree probably have never been a victim or had a child bullied"

Oh, bollocks.

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 08:45

Those who don't agree are exceptionally likely to have had someone try to get at them about their dress sense and highly likely to have had at least one person try to bully them in their lives, Notagainmun. So, unless you are trying to make some kind of fine distinction between victims of bullying and people who have been got at by bullies, I think you are wrong in assuming people who disagree with the OP's approach have never been through it themselves. And I wouldn't want any child taught a lesson in empathy by someone who has said they truly think that some children are completely unloveable...

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 23/12/2015 09:15

I yeach my kids you get put what you put in. If they hit, likely hood is youll get hit back. Say mean things, theyll be mean back. So dont complain to me if you hit first and got smacked.
OP did this.
Yes kids are and can be mean - but bullying is different.

roundaboutthetown · 23/12/2015 09:19

I think most people would agree that if you see an eight year old slap a ten year old, you don't step in as an adult and thump the eight year old yourself... There are appropriate ways of dealing with things as an adult and inappropriate ways!

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2015 09:28

"I think most people would agree that if you see an eight year old slap a ten year old, you don't step in as an adult and thump the eight year old yourself..."

Presumably all the "taste of their own medicine" posters would?

WilburIsSomePig · 23/12/2015 09:41

"Don't beat yourself up OP you also showed your daughter how to deal with a bully in the only language they understand. Those who don't agree probably have never been a victim or had a child bullied"

This is such a load of crap. Unfortunately I had to deal with my DS being bullied and I dealt with it in a way that all concerned would understand, not just the bully. I didn't fanny around insulting the child concerned and showing them that adults behave in exactly the same way that they did.

WilburIsSomePig · 23/12/2015 09:46

"Being reduced to tears by a cousin 2 years younger than her teasing her about her clothes is a bit wet.I guess she is Y6 and starting secondary school soon.She needs to toughen up a bit!!"

And this is a fucking awful thing to say about a 10 year old. No wonder so many of the little darlings who entertain themselves by making other children's lives hell have parents who don't see a problem. The parents who describe these kind of things as 'high spirits' and 'just being kids' no doubt.

LagunaBubbles · 23/12/2015 09:53

Enjol, no, I was referring to my son who was bullied. Lots of "helpful" advice at the time to about "teaching him to stand up for himself" from people with zero experience of their child being bullied.

Bambambini · 23/12/2015 10:12

A taste if their own medicine can be very helpful if someone has been consistently nasty or violent and nicer methods arent working. My husband punched one of the boys at school who were giving him a hard time and they left him alone after that - can't say i feel sorry for the ringleader.

Obviously in the op's case it is different due to the age difference but i can understand her snapping.

PrimeDirective · 23/12/2015 10:14

Teaching a child how to respond to bullying is not victim blaming.
It is teaching a child coping skills and strategies so they don't feel so helpless. It isn't always enough to stop the bully but sometimes it is, so it really does have to be worth a try.
Kidscape have lots of advice for children and parents.
It doesn't negate the need for appropriate adult intervention at times, but it is so much better for the child if they are able to deal with it themselves.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/12/2015 10:19

prime

I have been saying precisely that on this thread for several pages now, and also referenced a book I use very successfully in school to help with building up children's resilience.

Unfortunately many posters took this to mean that helping children to develop life skills so they could cope with difficult situations was "giving in to the bullies", so I gave up.

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2015 10:23

"A taste if their own medicine can be very helpful if someone has been consistently nasty or violent and nicer methods arent working."

So if a child thumps yours you go in and thump back?

Incidentally, I bet that for every "And they never did it again" anecdote there are 3 "And it made everything much worse" ones. But we don't hear about them because they don't fit fit with what people want to hear.

HamaTime · 23/12/2015 10:38

There is a world of difference between 'standing up for yourself' and learning coping strategies and resilience.

9 times out of 10 anything that involves hitting back (they wouldn't have picked on you in the first place if they thought they couldn't beat you in a fight) or teasing them back/giving them a taste of their own medicine (only works if you are much more quick witted/funnier than them - again if you were then they'd probably be pounding on someone else) just results in escalation. Not always, obviously. Sometimes it works but you have to be sure of your ground.

Attempting to reform people through plaintively telling them 'You're being hurtful' rarely works either. They already know that they are being hurtful. That's sort of the point.

Resilience is about seeing the positive aspect of your life that the bully can't get too, and learning not to put the opinion of someone you don't even like above your own. It's about knowing someone is awful but not letting it dominate you and being able to think positively about the good stuff in your life and deal with negative emotions constructively. I think bullies like a reaction, and if all they get is a slightly puzzled or withering look then they are less likely to push for more. Part of our job as parents is to help growing children understand that they can't always change other peoples behaviour but they can change their attitude/reaction to that behaviour and that they will have to deal with difficult people. We can do this by example, or we can scream at people who give zero fucks that you don't like their leggings.

Disclaimer - all bets are off if you are being pushed under a car

And yes, I was bullied and am the parent of a child who was bullied (Bullies, bigmouths and so called friends was a Godsend)

Morecheesegrommet · 23/12/2015 10:40

One comment like this is not going to ruin the DNs childhood.
OP lost it once - just once - and said something that wasn't as well considered as it might be. But the DN is not going to be traumatised for life and if the result is she thinks twice about being nasty in front of OP, then that's a good outcome.
Why do we all have to be perfect all the time? Sometimes an honest response where you show your (justified in this case) anger is not a bad thing.

Morecheesegrommet · 23/12/2015 10:50

HamaTime - I was bullied relentlessly at home and to a lesser extent at school as a child and the way I coped with it was to never give in. If they hit me, I hit back hard. I got hurt - but my philosophy was that it was better to get hurt standing up for myself and make sure the bully shared some of the pain. If they were rude to me I walked straight towards them and took the mick out of them back.
Didn't always work of course. Sometimes I just got hurt - a lot!
I think the coping strategy has to reflect the personality of the child.

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2015 11:01

"Why do we all have to be perfect all the time? Sometimes an honest response where you show your (justified in this case) anger is not a bad thing."

We don't. But people are saying that the OP's response was perfect. Nothing wrong with being angry. As you say, entirely justified in this case. That's not the point of the thread.

And incidentally, anyone over the age of about 7ish who gets angry to the point or losing control is a fucking liability and needs to do something about it.

Morecheesegrommet · 23/12/2015 11:07

But saying a few harsh words is not 'losing control' That's a bit harsh. All she did was tell the truth for once.

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2015 11:13

The loss of control remark was in connection with people talking about anger and nobody being perfect and so on.

And "telling the truth for once"? Telling an 8 year of that her clothes are "inappropriate" (i wonder what word she actually used) and her "backside is hanging out"...........On what planet is that OK?

SuburbanRhonda · 23/12/2015 11:13

The book I referred to "Stick up for Yourself" is not about punching people back, or retaliating in any way,

Have a look at the review on Amazon. It's about building resilience, self-belief and confidence in yourself, which leads to better coping strategies in difficult situations.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/12/2015 11:15

"Don't beat yourself up OP you also showed your daughter how to deal with a bully in the only language they understand. Those who don't agree probably have never been a victim or had a child bullied."

Wrong, notagain - I was bullied from the age of 10 until sixth form, to the point of suicidal thoughts at age 14, and leaving me with life-long depression, and not one but two of my sons were bullied at school - and I still think that the OP did the wrong thing!!

Brioche - calling the victim 'wet' and saying she needs to 'toughen up a bit' may not be blaming her for being the bully's victim, but sure as hell makes me feel you think that any bully's victim who is badly affected by the bullying is weak and feeble, and deserves to feel bad. It makes me feel as if you think all the damage that I have suffered, the depression, anxiety, low self esteem, and all the issues these have caused me, are my own fault because I wasn't tough enough, I was too 'wet'.

ghostyslovesheep · 23/12/2015 11:19

exactly - I totally disagree with the OP

I was physically attacked on a weekly basis through the last 3 years of school

My eldest child was bullied in primary and it effected her hugely

I have a lot of experience of bullying - I think the OP was wrong

EponasWildDaughter · 23/12/2015 12:04

Wow. This thread.

I wonder how many of you who think the OPs behavior was ok in any way would be happy for teachers to deal with your primary age children by ''choosing'' to give them ''a taste of their own medicine''? (OPs own words here - ''i chose to give her a taste of her own medicine'')

No? Not happy?

No. And rightly so. Neither would i be. It's indefensible. And yet so many are defending this on the basis that the OP 'lost her rag'. With her 8 year old ''witch'' of a neice. Fabulous. Well that's ok then. If you loose your rag with a child anything goes yes?

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 12:14

We don't have to be perfect all the time.

We all fuck up. But it's still unreasonable behaviour.

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