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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely this is just basic etiquette when visiting a newborn for first time?

255 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 19:47

Genuinely intrigued and posting here for honest answers.
Two family members met my newborn ds over this weekend.
I know babies aren't as interesting to others as the parents but surely

  • a passing glance in baby's direction
  • 'he's so cute' 'good name' type comment
  • if offered a cuddle you don't just say 'no I'm alright'
  • I always take a card and gift too but this isn't the case either Basic manners no?
OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 21/12/2015 21:05

I remembered another time i disnt want to hold a newborn. While at uni there was a bit of a scabies outbreak. My friend brought her baby into my work one day and i was all cooey etc but when she asked of i wanted to hold her i said 'no because she looks so
Comfy there' rather than i cant because ive got scabies. Smile Grin ah the disgusting scankiness that uni can be...

53rdAndBird · 21/12/2015 21:11

But would you cuddle the snake if offered?

I'd say "Ooh, thanks, but I'll pass - I'd be too scared of dropping him!" and then say something vague about how pretty his scales were.

AbbeyBartlet · 21/12/2015 21:14

KERALA Yes the OP having a baby is massive for her - not necessarily everyone else.

I wouldn't go and visit someone to 'meet' the baby unless I really couldn't get out of it (I have had to feign illness on a couple of occasions) and haven't stayed in touch with any of my friends who were pregnant, and luckily the only person in the family who is likely to have a baby in the foreseeable future wouldn't dream of being offended by someone not being interested in her baby - she gets that some people don't like them.

I would be mortified if I thought someone was having to feign interest in something that was interesting to me. I'm mature enough to realise that the things that float my boat might bore the crap out of other people.

AbbeyBartlet · 21/12/2015 21:14

I would cuddle the snake though!

KERALA1 · 21/12/2015 21:26

I'm glad I don't live in your world! So you end up friends only with those in the same boat as you and with absolutely the same interests and opinions? Anyone that steps out of your narrow sphere of approval gets dumped?

two dear local friends of mine have both just got dogs. I pretend to be interested and ask questions about the dogs because I love my friends and they are fab. Then we move on to discuss stuff we are both interested in. Am sure they aren't that intrigued by my new job but listen to me talking about it anyway. By your rules I would never see them again. I can't quite believe that you mean what you are posting.

StubbleTurnips · 21/12/2015 21:26

I'm always slightly confused with the attitude in some DHs families that there is a need for some kind of 'meet the baby' event. Just take a card/gift, some food, make a pleasant comment on the name / weight / features distinguished to one of the parents and clear off. No need to hold.

My own child was the most fascinating thing in the world, babies since have been a bit 'meh' so I'm not at all fussed in holding.

AbbeyBartlet · 21/12/2015 21:35

Believe what you want - I have friends with all kinds of interests and it is possible to share or appreciate their interests - but that doesn't extend to wanting to 'meet' their babies!

ilovesooty · 21/12/2015 22:07

I don't see why it's self important to visit the parent, ask a few polite questions about the baby but not want to hold it.

CallaLilli · 21/12/2015 23:13

I haven't stayed in touch with any of my friends who were pregnant

Well you sound charming...

Indole · 21/12/2015 23:13

I quite like babies but I don't want to cuddle anyone else's baby, tbh. I would ask a few polite questions but assuming the baby's parents were people I liked, I'd be far more interested in how they were doing. I usually take presents to new mothers that are for the mother (plenty of time to get the baby a present when s/he will actually appreciate it)!

mathanxiety · 22/12/2015 02:47

OP, I bet you didn't start this thread in hopes of luring people with such hostile attitudes towards newborns and so little care for your feelings as a new mum of a precious baby out of the woodwork.

I am not surprised there is a range of feelings. People have all kinds of issues and baggage when it comes to babies. What I am surprised abut is that people feel so free to use the sort of terms and the dismissive attitude that have been posted here about babies, to a new mother.

(Not referring to those who have suffered miscarriages Flowers)

nooka · 22/12/2015 05:06

This thread also shows how unacceptable it seems to be for people, especially women, and most especially mothers to not really like babies that much. To the extent that jw35 was convinced that I must have had a serious mental health issue just because I said I wasn't keen on my own babies. I'm just not very maternal, it's not really that big a deal is it? I'm sure men don't react this way to other men not being into babies.

If the situation was as the OP described, then yes I'd agree the relative that specifically came 'to meet the baby' behaved a bit weirdly if they really didn't look at/say anything about the baby. That would seem to be a bit of an aversion, and one might wonder why she visited. The one that was dropping off presents less so, but then I'd think it was a bit strange to be visiting someone that you don't really know very well when your actual relative isn't there. I don't think I've ever visited any of my ILs without dh.

Floisme · 22/12/2015 06:21

When I was a new mother, I really didn't give a flying fuck what anyone else thought. My baby was the most perfect baby ever known to woman and that was all that mattered.

Iggi999 · 22/12/2015 06:32

I think it is an issue for a mother not to be maternal, yes. But perhaps maternal means very different things to different people?
Before I had dcs I'd no interest in babies but for the true friends who I loved not just liked, I cared about their dcs as an extension of them, and because it was such an important thing to them. If you drop friends for having different life experiences to you, you must go through them pretty fast.

KERALA1 · 22/12/2015 06:41

Although mumsnet threads about new babies seems a peculiar place to be if as you state you detest the whole business of having babies and drop friends who get pregnant! Would be like me going to a dog training forum

Floisme · 22/12/2015 06:48

If Mumsnet ever becomes the kind of place where only other parents or people who like babies are welcome, then I'm off. One of the reasons I like it is the range of discussion and views.

nooka · 22/12/2015 07:11

Not much point in the thread if everyone just says 'babies are wonderful and those other people were totally rude' is there? The relatives that visited the OP were clearly not keen on babies. The OP said she wanted honest answers and particularly highlighted that she was annoyed that her visitors didn't want to hold her baby. So it seemed useful to talk about why that might be.

iggi I suppose I was thinking maternal = earth mother type, which isn't really the dictionary meaning I know. I love my children dearly and very much enjoy their company. They are a fantastic pair of teenagers who don't seem to have suffered particularly from dh and my not being keen on the baby stage (I'd more likely describe it as hellish than heavenly, and I know I'm not alone in that although it's not the done thing to say so). I know plenty of people who are great with babies and less so with older children, I guess we all have our preferences, total dependency isn't mine!

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 22/12/2015 07:28

Agree with what math just said. Some people are bloody odd about babies. I hope you know OP those people are very much in the minority. It's unusual to dislike babies but not weird. I get it. Some of the stronger opinions on here are fucked up. Sorry.

My former friend (I keep talking about her sorry but it seems relevant) keeps asking to come and see us on the proviso that she won't touch / talk to / look at my DD. I know her and I think she'd pull an ugh face if she looked at her. I'm not so stupid that I think my DD is of interest or beautiful to everyone but that is fucked up. I wouldn't look at any human being in disgust unless they had done something really dreadful - like insulting a new mother and baby for example (ugh face from me to some posters).

KERALA1 · 22/12/2015 07:35

Yes Nootka but I bet whatever your view on babies on visiting a newborn and hormonal new mum you would show an interest and ask kind questions.

Fine not to hold the baby, fine not to like babies yourself or be an earth mother but that's not what the thread is about. Its about people without the manners or empathy to at least show a kindly passing interest in this massive thing that has happened in ops life. Really don't think that is too much to ask of a supposed friend or family member.

Floisme · 22/12/2015 07:49

Kindness could go both ways though. Several people have posted very personal stories about times when they've found it painful to see a new baby and that the mother knew nothing about it.

Yes it may be pure lack of interest. Equally it may not. The point is, you never know.

Anyway I'm off.

muddymary · 22/12/2015 07:57

I have a relative who really isn't into babies (or toddlers, young children or teenagers to be honest). So when she came to visit me after having ds she acted in a similar way, not wanting to hold him etc.

I really appreciated the fact that she came to see me & see how I was doing despite not giving a shiny shit about babies. She was also the only person in a sea of visitors who made a massive fuss over the dog which I thought was lovely.

Not everyone likes babies and that's fine!

KERALA1 · 22/12/2015 10:23

My view is, for that first visit and if the baby is very new, it IS all about the new mother and new baby. Visitors should put their own concerns and issues to one side. Same as if you were visiting anyone in a vulnerable situation or who has gone through a massive life changing event. I wouldn't visit someone who had just had an operation newly out of hospital, not ask them how they were and bang on about myself. Or someone who was back from honeymoon and not ask them how it went because I was single. Anyway also bowing out!

seagreengirl · 22/12/2015 17:42

But you don't NEED to like babies, you just need some social skills, and manners.

PrincessMouse · 22/12/2015 19:18

Op. If you are still reading. I realise we kind of took over your thread. I just wanted to say I hope you are doing well. Flowers

Munn83 · 22/12/2015 19:23

Very rude, they shouldn't have bothered coming. A few people who came to visit me weren't comfortable with holding the babies but did ask about them, look at them etc

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