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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely this is just basic etiquette when visiting a newborn for first time?

255 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 19:47

Genuinely intrigued and posting here for honest answers.
Two family members met my newborn ds over this weekend.
I know babies aren't as interesting to others as the parents but surely

  • a passing glance in baby's direction
  • 'he's so cute' 'good name' type comment
  • if offered a cuddle you don't just say 'no I'm alright'
  • I always take a card and gift too but this isn't the case either Basic manners no?
OP posts:
EastMidsMummy · 20/12/2015 20:04

Holding baby? Maybe not. Some people are scared or uninterested.

Not looking at baby? Odd. And rude.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/12/2015 20:05

Btw, i don't relish holding other peoples new babies, but there's really no nice way to refuse. Grit your teeth - just a quick cuddle and a few nice complements is all a new parent wants.

Of the baby of course.

AbbeyBartlet · 20/12/2015 20:07

I can't actually sound convincing if I comment though - also I'm afraid they might try to get me to hold the baby if I express an interest.

Some people like babies, some don't.

I am always incredibly uncomfortable when people bring their babies into work as well but I usually do my best to hide elsewhere!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 20/12/2015 20:07

The only reason I might refuse a cuddle is if I was sick or worried about dropping baby. Combined with everything else you mentioned they just seem rude.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 20:08

I have a former friend who is a non baby person to the point where she won't look at a baby if she's in the same room. She did this when DH met up with her with DD. Quite strange, she's almost phobic. It must be quite debilitating - feel a bit sorry for her tbh. But then she would never have come 'to meet the baby'. That's the strangest thing about your visitor IMHO.

Some people don't like holding babies but not looking at them, saying they're cute at least once, bringing a card or gift seems pretty standard (unless you're like my former friend).

Anyway, in summary yanbu.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 20/12/2015 20:13

Sorry there's a rogue not in there. Meant to say:

"Some people don't like holding babies, but looking at them, saying they're cute at least once etc seems pretty standard"

abbsismyhero · 20/12/2015 20:14

i only ever touched three babies before i had children i was beyond awkward with them even i said how cute sweet they looked even if i did refuse to hold them (i only held the one because he was thrust at me when something went wrong elsewhere in the house and i got stuck holding the baby i had to ask am i holding um him? ok? Grin) fortunately im beyond that now to the point of carrying around my friends velcro baby when she really needed a drink and a rest

your right not to even look at a new baby seems odd

Cherrysherbet · 20/12/2015 20:22

Very odd behaviour. Nothing better than newborn cuddles. Some people are just strange.

ilovesooty · 20/12/2015 20:23

Abbey I think you might be me. Grin

AbbeyBartlet · 20/12/2015 20:24

Not necessarily strange - just different.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2015 20:24

ilovesooty 😆😆😆😆

SlaggyIsland · 20/12/2015 20:25

I don't have any interest in small babies, and I'm also scared of holding them. I do pretend to be interested though as I know the parents seem to set great store by that.

Pixa · 20/12/2015 20:26

I'd struggle to hold a baby at the minute, because I'm battling infertility. I'd hate to think I was coming across as rude. I would want to visit a family member to see how they are doing though.

Maybe there is a reason for their strange behaviour? Even if it's just that they are uncomfortable holding babies.

Oysterbabe · 20/12/2015 20:29

Abbey can I ask what brings you to Mumsnet? Just genuinely interested why there are a fair number of people on what is essentially a parenting website who don't like children.

RiverTam · 20/12/2015 20:31

So you think that someone who really doesn't want to cuddle your baby should out of politeness? YABU on that point alone. They politely declined. Do you think that if you offer someone a cup of tea they should say yes even if they don't want one?

eastwest · 20/12/2015 20:31

I would definitely take a gift, card, etc. and be full of warm congratulations for the mum and I'd say something polite about the name and smile in the baby's direction but I wouldn't want a cuddle. I'm not sure I'd outright say no, for fear of offending, but it is so awkward. I don't like holding babies and have no real interest in them, don't think they're gorgeous or smell lovely and feel extremely uncomfortable about having to fake enthusiasm. It's either 'turn down cuddle, look horrible,' or 'accept cuddle, stand there knowing everyone's expecting you to go goo-goo, and feeling incredibly awkward because you're really wondering how soon you can put him/ her down again.'
that said, why did they bother coming if they weren't going to make any effort at all?

RiverTam · 20/12/2015 20:32

Oyster there's a lot of non-parenting stuff discussed here.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 20/12/2015 20:34

I must be strange then - 'cause the thought of "meeting a new born" fills me with horror. I guess as they're family members they kind of feel obliged though.

Do I want a cuddle? No thanks, I'd rather cuddle a cat.

Cute? I don't think new borns are cute.

Name? It might be called "Chummy"!

I probably wouldn't remember to get a card either!

Rosebuddy7 · 20/12/2015 20:34

Definitely a bit odd, but let's face it, some people ARE a bit odd. Can't imagine not being interested in a newborn I was visiting myself, for whatever reason, but think a stand-offish visitor is still preferable to the over enthusiastic type; like the woman who picked up my own v newborn dd many years ago - without being offered - and planted a huge kiss on her face! Please. That's just plain wrong, no?

Oysterbabe · 20/12/2015 20:35

Yeah I appreciate that but I only found that out when ending up here while TTC. Before that it wouldn't have occurred to me to look on here for anything because I thought it was for mums.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 20:36

They politely declined 'no I'm alright' isn't politely declining as someone put upthread- if it were followed by 'I'm full of a cold' then it would be or even 'I'm not good at handling babies' fine but 'I'm alright' is basically I can't be arsed to come up with a polite get out.

OP posts:
mmmuffins · 20/12/2015 20:36

I am a bit like this. SIL had a baby last year. Of course we sent a card at the time. DH and I met the baby when it was two months old. I haven't known a baby before, and don't really know what to do with them, and I don't find them cute. I did hold the baby but only to be polite, I didn't actually want to.

Moomintroll85 · 20/12/2015 20:36

A bit off in my view, they could have tried a bit harder but I don't think everyone is obliged to have a cuddle. It could be worse, BIL came to visit us a day out of hospital, he snorted at our name choice, said my DS 'looked a bit funny', kept asking me why I could barely walk (I'd had an EMCS), droned on about how tired he was and asked if he could smoke in the house Hmm

Congrats on your little one.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 20/12/2015 20:38

I don't like holding babies so would have turned down the offer of a cuddle. I would have taken a card and present and would have tried to look interested! I am the one who answers the phone if someone brings a baby into the office though!

AnotherTimeMaybe · 20/12/2015 20:38

To not say he's cute or even get him a card is just awful and odd!!!
I understand they didn't want a cuddle, newborns are delicate maybe they were afraid they would harm him, but they should have said so rather than "I'm alright "...bitter, bitter, bitter!!

Congratulations, enjoy those precious moments!!