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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely this is just basic etiquette when visiting a newborn for first time?

255 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 20/12/2015 19:47

Genuinely intrigued and posting here for honest answers.
Two family members met my newborn ds over this weekend.
I know babies aren't as interesting to others as the parents but surely

  • a passing glance in baby's direction
  • 'he's so cute' 'good name' type comment
  • if offered a cuddle you don't just say 'no I'm alright'
  • I always take a card and gift too but this isn't the case either Basic manners no?
OP posts:
wizzywig · 21/12/2015 13:01

Do they actually like you?

toffeeboffin · 21/12/2015 13:03

I have a two year old and if offered a cuddle with a newborn I would say no, I'd just be too nervous with someone else's bambino!

Showing interest, cooing, gift etc is necessary though, obviously.

seagreengirl · 21/12/2015 13:11

It is absolutely nothing to do with peoples feelings towards babies, or wanting to pick them up. The fact is that the baby was ignored and that is extremely rude, and I am very surprised that people can't see that.

I had to go round to my MILs and she had a new leather sofa, I hate leather sofas, I made appreciative noises, and sat on it. Because I have manners and she would have been hurt if I hadn't.

Thingschangingagain · 21/12/2015 13:13

Well OP they were a bit rude, but maybe saw the visit more to see how you were doing?
My brother never sent a card or present on ds 's birth, has never got him a present or card at birthday, Christmas. Ds is almost three now. Has only once asked after ds. Made vomiting noises when me and dh were talking about ds in front of him. Has never held ds. And has in every way made perfectly clear his utter lack of interest in ds. Can't even be arsed to tell him I am pg again. Will just send a quick text when baby is born.
You might be best just accepting they aren't interested and stop caring.

Iggi999 · 21/12/2015 13:24

Thingschanging - please tell me he is still a spotty teenager, not a grown man with that attitude Sad

MarvinKMooney · 21/12/2015 13:24

Gosh, OP, I hope you're not my SIL! Smile

We went to visit our newborn nephew this weekend, and I didn't cuddle him either. Beautifully cute - absolutely gorgeous, in fact - but he was asleep the whole time we were there, and I just didn't want to wake him. Could it be as simple as that?

And, I have to confess, we didn't take a specific 'welcome to the world' present either BUT did take Christmas presents for everyone, including the baby nephew. Perhaps I should have wrapped one of them up in baby paper, rather than Santa paper?!

NotQuitePerfect · 21/12/2015 13:33

Rude, hurtful behaviour from these guests. What on earth is wrong with them? So sorry for you.

ItchyArmpits · 21/12/2015 13:37

Aagh.... it never occurred to me to give newborn babies presents. I mean, why? Will the baby notice? (I took a bunch of flowers for the mum though)

I think it's very, very easy to do the "wrong thing" when visiting new mums and their kids. Some get offended if you don't pay the baby enough attention, some get offended if you don't pay the mum enough attention, some can't understand why you don't want to cuddle the baby, others insist that you bleach yourself from head to foot and then wear a hazmat suit to cuddle the baby, if indeed you are allowed...

OnlyLovers · 21/12/2015 13:40

Itchy, no the baby won't notice, but it's more for the parents, isn't it? I usually take flowers or cake or something for the adults, and give them a sleepsuit or something else for the baby that they'll be able to use.

Jw35 · 21/12/2015 14:06

My dsis would behave like that. She'll visit me but a newborn just disgusts her.

Disgusts? Hmm

zeezeek · 21/12/2015 14:07

To be honest apart from my own, I've ever held babies and only my own because it was expected of me.

Babies aren't interesting and I will actively avoid having any interaction with them. I also find people who only want to talk about their babies dull and over the years I've drifted away from lots of friends because they, and their babies bore me. People used to feel sorry for me because at the time we didn't think I would be able to have children. The truth is, while I wanted my own children, I wasn't interested in other peoples. Even my own nieces and nephews - have only got to know them after the age of about 10.

There are a lot of people out there like me - like the friends I have managed to keep all these years Grin

zeezeek · 21/12/2015 14:10

If it was your new puppy, however, I would be straight round with presents and be demanding cuddles!!

KittyOShea · 21/12/2015 14:12

Many people may be more interested to see you than the baby. However they should still acknowledge him.

I have plenty of friends who are nervous around tiny newborns and wouldn't want a cuddle.
Others have no major interest in children or babies.
I would find it too hard to cuddle my friends baby at the minute as I have just found out I am infertile.

There are plenty of reasons why people may not want to cuddle the baby but the fact they have visited anyway shows they care about you and the big change in your life therefore YABU

OfaFrenchmind2 · 21/12/2015 14:30

When my niece was born, I went to see my sister, my BIL, and then saw the baby. I loved her of course because she was the product of two people that I adore, but that's it. No holding or touching, and I said "NO!" to my (laughing) sister when proposed a cuddle. Nobody was offended.
I did not cuddle, or hold her until she was actually cognisant and could understand what was going on around her (and I knew there was no risk of projectile vomit...), so around 12 months old.
Now she is months older, I love her because of who she is, and she is awesome.
Everybody react differently to babies and newborns.

Jw35 · 21/12/2015 14:34

That's odd ZeeZeek

I'm quite shocked at some people's attitude to babies! They're people ffs!

CalleighDoodle · 21/12/2015 14:39

I dont always hold the newborn. If theyre asleep i dont think they should be passed around like a toy so dont. or if ive to deal with my own child at the time. Im there to visit the parents.

GinIsTheBestChristmasSpirit · 21/12/2015 14:40

My brothers looked at the kids for a second nodded then sat as far away as possible with all our kids. If I offered a hold I think they would have climbed the walls in fear...

Some people just don't do babies and have no idea how to manage that. Don't take it personally and congratulations.

iMogster · 21/12/2015 14:41

When I had my first baby, everyone was desperate for cuddles even if they had a cold or the baby was wanting to sleep! One friend stood out as didn't want a cuddle and didn't get a gift (not that is was expected). A couple of years later when she had her first baby, I found out she had been trying for years and found it difficult to be near a baby or even in the baby department to choose a gift.

Dumbledoresgirl · 21/12/2015 14:45

Most of us are talking as parents. We know the squidgy gorgeousness that is/was our newborn babies.

If I went to see a newborn now, I would coo and make googly noises, because I have had children of my own and feel comfortable doing that.

I wouldn't want to hold the child particularly. I probably would, so as not to offend, but again, that is mainly because I know what it is as a mother to feel your child is the loveliest thing on earth. The last baby I held clearly needed a nappy change and it astonished me that the parents could not smell this. I devotedly hung on to the baby as long as I could, so as not to offend them.

But, before I had children, no, I would not have held a baby for anything. I had only held one in 31 years before I had my own. I even pointblank refused to hold the baby that a new mother had brought to my NCT classes.

So I don't think they were rude not to hold your child and I don't think their response was rude either. I guess not even looking at your baby was a bit odd. They are clearly not baby people

knobblyknee · 21/12/2015 14:48

Yes thats odd even for the socially awkward. Its polite to at least look at the baby and make a comment, even if its just reeling back, throwing your hands in the air and screaming 'Aaiiee!'

Dont let them get to you.

IamFatherChristmasNOTsanta · 21/12/2015 15:33

Of course its basic ettitique to look at the baby.

But what can you do, I have had guests who have ignored - blatantly other guests. let alone babies.

IamFatherChristmasNOTsanta · 21/12/2015 15:34

its not like the baby knows or is going to react to you.

HooseRice · 21/12/2015 15:43

My friend really, really didn't want to hold my DD as a newborn. In fact I can think of 2 friends who were the same and one of DH's friends. DH's friend when offered said "No thanks, mums really don't appreciate it when I drop their cherubs" which made me laugh.

My first friend who didn't hold my DD as a newborn, did want to hold her when she was a more sturdy 6 month old and has ended up with a really special bond with my DD, who is now 11.

The worst was a visitor a week after my PFB was born who turned up full of the cold and remarked that she preferred cats anyway Xmas Grin . She was the now ex DW of a friend of DH's. I really, really don't know why she bothered coming over.

CalleighDoodle · 21/12/2015 15:50

Years ago i went to visit my friend and her newborn. I took a gift and chatted about everything you are supposed to chat about. I asked about the birth (it was traumatic) and afterwards etc.. Then she got up to leave the room and thrust the baby on me. I didnt want to hold him and hadnt asked to do so. I just held him, lookomg at him, thinking about how i should have had a newborn too. We were actuay pregnant at the same time, but i miscarried. It was all i could do to keep my emotions under control so nobody knew i was struggling with this as that would be awful. It wasnt about me. I was under consultant care etc and about to start clomid. My friend knew all this but id not mentioned it since the birth of her baby as it wouldnt have been appropriate. This was her time.

You dont always know why someone doesnt want to coo over a baby.

Floisme · 21/12/2015 16:12

Exactly. Let's use our imaginations a little. I'm very sorry, Calleigh Flowers

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